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THE UNLUCKY WEEK OF DEATH: WEEK 4

Well folks, the infamous “Week of Death” has come to pass, and it proved to be just that for a few teams down at ol’ Feeeeeei-Yannnnggggtastic Ice Skating Rink over the weekend. At one point, in a seemingly ironic (expected?) incident, emergency crews were called in to put out a blaze originating in the Lowered Expectations’ locker room due to a “carelessly discarded cigarette.” And wouldn’t you know it, folks – not 10 minutes after they left – the rescue crews were called back to help find frightened and disoriented rookie, Neville Hemming, who somehow wound up naked and afraid in the dark, ill-omened labyrinth that our cavernous storage room has become. Here’s hoping Hemming’s claims of being pulled into an “upside-down world” somewhere near the Night Splash equipment racks turns out to be more fiction than fact. But bad things happen in threes…right?

The monster Neville claimed he saw…

The Hamburglin’ bro he probably Did see…

FRIDAY NIGHT

Binqiu Beardogs 5 vs. Dirty Blues 4 (OT)

What a gosh darn barn burner, ladies and gents. If there was one game you should’ve made your girlfriend come out to watch this season, this was it. Actually, come to think of it, it’s probably better that you didn’t. This game had everything: sweet goals, nifty passes, deadly dangles, angry Swedes – you name it. Right from the drop of the puck this game was intense. It was a tight battle for a while, with both teams exchanging goals tit-for-tat. Janzy, Jofa, Browner, and Thorse Cock all connected on some beauty passes and odd-man rushes in what looked to be a dominating performance. At one point midway through the second half, it even looked like the Dirty Blues were going to cruise to a comfortable victory, but then some Swedish-speaking man model on the Blues’ bench decided to chirp Patrick ‘I’m gonna bring ya to your shanna na na na na na knees’ Ruiz in a delightfully mocking, yet musical, accent. And from that point onward, ‘Easy Breezy Ruizy’ flipped the switch, making a mockery of some of the best d-men in the league… on both teams… Figure that one out. He capitalized on some special teams opportunities, potting a shorty and a PP dinger to tie the game up before Ryan Harrison Ford let a clapper go from the hashmarks to drive the dagger home. The Patrick “here’s a hat-trick” show delivered lion heart Ryan Harrison a solid three goals on the night. Ruiz himself skated off into the sunset with 4 points of his own.

Luckily for us ‘normals’, the stupidly handsome and impossibly nice ‘Rowdy Roddy’ Ruiz left the rink without all of our wives on his arm.

Hamburglars 5 vs. Fog Devils 1

It goes without saying that one of the best things about the ‘burglars bench is that they’ve got 3 full lines of grinders (and ‘Grindrs’ – download the app and swipe right to find out more!). Fresh off their team-building get together at Parrot bar last weekend, the Hardworkin’ Hambies got to work fast, jamming the play in the neutral zone and picking off some ripe stretch passes – as the tenacious ‘burglars forecheck tends to do. It wasn’t long before ‘You done messed up, A-Aron’ Liu started sharing the turned-over loot with his fellow band of thieves, picking up three assists on some delicious dishes across the slot. All round good guy, Kemp Kristoffer Kollings (a decent, outstanding citizen who happens to wear a bright white helmet), was the recipient of a couple of those beauty saucers, burying the biscuit with symbolic pride. Joey ‘I still can’t drink in several countries around the world’ Barnaby continued his hot streak by potting one of his own. Not to be shown up, Foggy D’s forward, ‘Super Nintendo’ Nakata, snuck behind the Hambies’ dozy defense and struck twine on a nifty redirection when everybody least expected it. Hamburglars’ vets, Adam ‘#2’ Liu and ‘Jack Johnson’ Jackson also rocked a gino.

SATURDAY NIGHT 

Binqiu Beardogs 5 vs. Hamburglars 2

Well, the Binqiu Bearbastards were at it again Saturday night, looking to end the weekend on a two-and-O tear, which they clearly did – look at the header, you friggen’ beaut. The game started off quick, with Patrick ‘top cheese’ Ruiz ripping a fricken’ laser beam through the ‘burgs defense directly into the top corner on the very first shift. Apparently Shin hadn’t even realized the puck had dropped yet. It wasn’t a good sign for the ‘burgs, who spent the rest of the game trying to figure out the dominant defensive pair-ups of: ‘if I’m lyin’ I’m Ryan’ Harrison and Jean Poutine Grim-yar-dreams, AND Jeff ‘how much of a generic hockey name is this?’ MacDonald and Neville ‘appeasement is my middle name’ Chamberlain.

Ruiz picked up a pair, while Stu ‘with or without chu’ Chan, Dan ‘I just learned how to play hockey and I’m better than you’ Wouskchziyeiek, and Will ‘no, I’m not related to Adam and Aaron’ Liu picked up one a piece. On the ‘burgs side of the fence, Action Jackson scored an identical goal to Friday’s and Franck Le Skank got a nice one, too.

Luckily for the ‘burgs, none of their trophy wives were there to watch Ruizy make it look easy.

Lowered Expectations 7 vs. Gingerbeards 1

With the biggest line up so far this year (9 players), Lowered Expectations showed no mercy to their elderly Gingers in their 7-1 victory. It was clear from the beginning which team would be pounding some geriatric ass on Sanlin’s crystal smooth ice. LE constantly got the puck in deep to the Grandfathers’ end, leaving the aged but ruggedly handsome Ginger bingers in trouble.

Scoring was started by LE’s own Yuzo ‘The Wasabi Rocket’ Tanabe in the game’s early minutes. However, Martin ‘The Miracle Pinky’ Magnan showed that hockey doesn’t need all 10 fingers by ripping the equalizer a few minutes later. After that, Captain ‘Sneaky Pete’ Helenius stepped up with two heavy boomers that changed the score to 3-1 in favour of the Black squad. The few thousand Lowered Expectations fans could hear the spines of the Gender-weirds snap. The rest of the game got rather chippy as LE continued to dominate. The ginger veneer started to crack when Jim ‘BullMoose’ Scotti started throwing bodies to the floor and pointing at his next victims indiscriminately.

The final tallies resulted in a hat-trick for Yuzo Yamada, 2 goals for Helenius, and a solid defensive effort by Rekrutiak and Longstreet (who was curiously well behaved and scoring goals like a goddam pro).

I said earlier that terrible things happen in threes… Well… it would seem that somebody crept up on Kevin Martini in his sleep and cut off his legendary ginger mullet we all came to know and love. It was shorn at some point last week, possibly on November 11th, leaving all the Gingerbeards in a deep fit of depression and sombre remembrance. 

“What the hell were they pointing at?”

“I don’t know, man. Wait, where the Hell is my wife!?”

“Hold on, let me Wechat Ruiz – it happens all the time.”

Dirty Blues 8 vs. Fog Devils 3

The DBs came into the Saturday game with some sour feelings from the Friday OT loss. After a slow start, when they were down 2:1, they eventually snapped out of the blues and dominated the rest of the game. Although missing key players such as Thor, Siggy, Dunn and Slaney, the night’s stellar performance was largely due to two nationalities: Japan and Sweden. For Japan, The B league call up Yuzo, who played on the first line with J&J (Jan/Jofa), scored a hat trick during his first performance in the A league. Moreover, the absolute beauty, Dr. Hide, scored his first goal of the season to mark a total of 4 snipes for the Japanese boys.

For the Swedish contingent, Frederick ‘The Nightmare on Elm Street’ Nyquist was flying around – like always – proving his place as one of the toughest defenders in the league (he was probably trying to work off his 3 penalties and ejection from the Friday game). Jofa proved, yet again, to be a true sniper and playmaker, and his strong leadership gave the DBs much needed support and confidence. Finally, the defensive pair known as ‘The Canadian Border’: Browner and Coley, had a strong weekend, making every forward who even thought about stepping over the line reconsider the trip. Overall, the DBs’ 3 points from the past weekend pushed them into the lead of the SHC A league. Just another strong signal to their opponents that they are getting stronger.

Ice Cocks 8 vs. The Chiefs 3

The Ice Cocks ran up the score on the listless, Leiskeless Chiefs in the midnight game on the weekend. Dyer, Aspell and Rice played solid D, giving up no real scoring opportunities and also joining in on the offence. Moving to forward, Manfred ‘Man Hands’ Ortmaier and Cam ‘Bon Jovi’ Bonspiel had great games. Orts set up ol’ slobby Cobbett with a beautiful pass from behind the net for an early goal and Bonspiel hurried hard to get one in on a greasy rebound in the second frame. Cobbet got the hat-trick plus 2 assists to pull away in the standings, while Dyer, Duke and Thompson (who had a pair) rounded out the scoring. Leon Li scored a beauty from the goal line (where it meets the boards) in the first, followed by Berg and Bergie, but it wasnt enough as the previously undeated Chiefs Fitzzled out in their first tough matchup of the season.

In the words of the late, great Lynard Skynard, “Tuesday’s Gone with the wind,” and wouldn’t you know it, folks – so is Week 3. It was a weekend of pain; it was a weekend of grain (whiskey); it was a weekend of faux-celebrity fame.

The madness kicked off on Friday night down at Ferocious ol’ Feiyang Figure Skating Arena, where the atmosphere was anything but girly. In a wacky turn of events, games were delayed due to a literal gang of preteen figure skaters refusing to leave the ice surface in time for the SHC’s first matchup of the evening. Luckily, after convincing them that Fever player Hugo Thalen was – in fact – Justin Bieber, a few autographs and dead-eyed selfies later, the awestruck gaggle of giggly teens left without further incident. (Good work, Thalen – we always knew your uncanny resemblance to the Biebz would be good for something).

The Hamburglars 4 vs. Fever 3 [s/o]

After hearing that the Hamburglars were without all-round stud, Adam “check out these dimples” Liu, Captain Custard Pie and his ever-yellow Fever squad hit the ice in high spirits, brimming to the ears with rabid confidence. ‘Mad’ Max Wendellin was out of the lineup due to some issues he encountered looking for gas out on Fury Road, but Brad “Da Beauty” Newly and Chippy Chop Chipman Chappers were ready to take a bite out of the ‘burgs.

Pictured above: “Slightly Annoyed Max”

Little did they know that Franck ‘the Tanck’ Saulnier and Aaron ‘Vicious and De‘Liu’icious’ weren’t ready to let the Hamburglars go down without a fight. And boy oh boy, did it ever get scrappy out there. It goes without saying, folks, that the players on these teams probably would’ve made a lot more sense on a roster in a full-contact league (…10-15 years ago, of course).

Brian ‘it was just a lil’ hitskis’ Pipskis, was first to speak to the game’s intensity: “well, you know,” he said, between fat rips on his super cool vaping device, “I was actually in a good place all game – mentally, ya know? I got this new flavor last weekend, and I installed a DIY mod in my coils so that my pulls whip up a thick build every toime, bro. Here, have a rip and just taste it – it’s Tiger Semen. You can’t blame me for gettin’ amped, bro.” (No word yet on whether the franchise sponsorship with the “Jurassic Vape” has been inked with the SHC. Rest assured we’re keeping our robotic appendages crossed).

After all the penalties and high emotions were killed off, the game itself ended in a tie, 3-3. Sweet snipes by Aaron ‘you merely adopted your hockey hair; I was born into it, molded by it’ Liu, Franck ‘Le Petanque’, and Shane ‘somebody call the WAHmbulance’ Anderson ensured the game would go to Overtoime. A solid performance by 13-year-old child prodigy, Joey ‘barely legal’ Barnaby, helped stop the Fever from capitalizing on some good chances late in the game. Nobody really knows for sure who scored for the Fever, as some irresponsible clutz, probably suffering the after-effects of a concussion (Isaac ‘life’s a fickle bitch’ McKitrick *cough cough*), spilled his beer all over the game sheets. However, rumor has it that Captain Custer keeps very detailed Corgi, Fenwick, and PDO stats from all the games.

The shootout was nothing short of ugly, as Barry ‘Bubs’ Roe was quick to point out, “That was just greasy boys, greasy. Greee-heeee-HEASY!” Fellow netminder, Brett ‘Super-Saiyan’ Syer, agreed: “Watching you idiots run each other out there was far more elegant than any… single… one… of those shoot-out attempts.” Aaron ‘Fu-Man-Liu’ was too busy combing his sparse facial hair to listen.

Pictured above: Brett Syer

Binqiu Beardogs 8 vs. Fog Devils 1

The second game of the evening got off to a quick start when ‘Boston’ Dan’s Beardogs hit the ice with a full squad of hungry hungry hipp-beauties. Unfortunately for the Fog Devils, a lack of attendance and general sense of apathy emanating from their locker room before the game was a sign of the dog’s breakfast (pun fully intended) of a match that was soon to follow. It was peculiar that even returning SHC veteran, ‘Joaquin’ Jared Kubas, couldn’t seem to concentrate on anything other than the Siri function on his phone, which he unabashedly held conversations with instead of focusing on the upcoming game.

It was as though the Bear-bastards could smell the apprehension on the Devil’s bench before the puck drop. It wasn’t long before the (up until this point win-less) Binqiu Beauts started lighting up a grossly unprepared, and generally gross, Karl the Kraut. To be fair, he wasn’t getting much help from Devil’s top defensive pair of ‘Ruby Ruby Ruby’ Truby and a feathery-moustachioed Kubas. The Bad News Beardicks sent a strong message, lighting the lamp 3 times in the first 6 minutes of the game.

An intoxicated Soggy D’s forward, Albert ‘what an odd first name for a Russian’ Almukhametov, had this to say at the half: “Vat, jus becauwz you Sink I do nat know vat is going on right now, you sink zat I cannot drink more? Unh — UNH??!!” There was no official measurement of how much Russian Standard vodka was consumed during the break, but folks, if you could’ve seen his breakaway attempt in the second half, you’d understand that it must’ve been a lot.

All credit to the Bearrrrrjewwwwwws, whose 1st round pick, Handsome McHandsome Face, sniped a hat-trick and added two helpers; 2nd round pick, Cutie McBlue Eyes, got one of his own with three helpers; and 3rd round pick, Chiseled McAbsfordays, picked up a Tim Horton’s double-double.

Saturday Night Action:

Gingerbeards 3 vs. Ice Cocks 2

In what would ultimately prove to be a test of Stamina, and preteen innuendo, the Gingerbeards stayed firm and outlasted the somewhat flaccid Ice Cocks in their first rendezvous of the season. The return of the G’beards #1 pick, Martin “The Trojan” Magnum, provided the staying power needed to keep the beards in the lead throughout the contest, pounding his way in and out of the crease repeatedly early in the first half and depositing the 1st of his two goals.

Pictured above: Midori, with the clapper from the point!

The Beards defense kept stiff, and with some solid backchecking by the rest of the team, blocked everything they could, only allowing one cock tally to split the pipes in the first half of the game. That was enough to get the beards back on the offensive thrust prompting Dennis aka “large-one” Larcombe to pound one home from the point to put the beards back on top early in the second.

Through the fog

A brief spurt by the cocks in the second half to tie it up proved unsatisfying to the crowd and was followed up shortly with Magnum jamming yet another “Biscuit in the Basket” for the go ahead goal, consummating the beards’ first win of the season. Several cocks were later seen after the game in the pharmacy trying to load up on some “little blues” using fake scripts. When asked for a comment on the game they flipped up their collars and pretended they didn’t know us.

Above: The ‘Manimal’ Manfred, breakin’ it out

Chiefs 2 vs. Night Splash 0
Ice Cocks 4 vs. Night Splash 3 [OT]

The Night Splash dropped a pair on the night to the Cocks and Chiefs, in what was supposedly a hilarious affair. Apparently, it took J. McKelvey all night to capitalize on an absurd number of perfect feeds from fellow splasher Angel ‘I can’t believe he missed… again’ Wang.

No word yet on whether any members of the Chiefs club are literate – I think they were too busy trying to vote for Trump. Maybe next week, folks!

TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!*

Stay safe out there and keep your stick on the ice!

*The SHC WHOLEHEARTEDLY condones giving a damn about politics. But REGARDLESS of how this thing turned out, we’re excited for the new influx of American players that should be moving to Shanghai any moment now…

Good Golly Miss Molly, Folks! You won’t believe the excitement that transpired down at dirty ol’ Fanny-Feiyang Arena this past weekend. We had fans throwing tear gas onto the ice, drunken Czechs pouring beer onto the scoreboard console, and we even had an incident involving a visibly unnerved, bleary-eyed Kunlun cheerleader squad, a pants-less Peter Helenius, and an armed swat team. No word yet on when Helenius will be out of jail, by the way.

Friday night was a doozy. And I do mean a ‘doozy’ – Two games! get it? Ahhhhhhh, Deux… no? That’s okay, our Frenchy contingent fully understands. They’re just too busy eating baguettes and checking their delicate jawlines in the mirror to take notice.

First up it was the “Get Lo wit ur Ex” crew (Lowered Expectations), who managed to shave the G Beards despite losing many players to injuries like, “Beaver Knee”, “Fondued Nerves” and “Bang Cock Itch” (which has ‘spread’ through the SHC like wildfire this week). It’s worth noting that the Gingah Beards were missing their top pick, Martin Magnan, who is reportedly suffering from “an undisclosed lower body injury” after he apparently fainted while looking at his handsome French face in the mirror for too long. The Magnan-less found the net in both periods but it wasn’t enough against Harvey “He Man’s” goal and Simon Pinard’s well-supported hat trick.

Next up was the Ice Cocks, who moved to 2-0 with a decisive win over the now 0-2 Night Splash with a 6-1 well-lubricated pounding. The Splashers got on the board early with a shot from outside the blue line that seemed to change direction on the way to the net… as pucks rolling on their side tend to do. Continued pressure from the Splashers created some panic on the IC bench, but it was short lived as the tying goal was tucked in before the first period ended. The floodgates opened in the 2nd frame with 5 unanswered goals. Cobbett and Thompson each had 2, while Dyer got his 2nd of the season. Strong play on the wings helped move the puck up ice with great games from Matt Zhang, Midori and Cason Li, while work in process, d-man Manfred Man Ortmaier, made solid plays. No word yet on when that new mountain of salt building up underneath Darry Buke’s equipment rack will be cleaned up. It’s just too bitter to deal with, according to the usually amenable arena staff.

Then there was Saturday… a night of surprise, a night of demise, a night to remember… for the Dirty Blues, anyway.

In the first game of the evening, a severely short-benched Dirty Blues squad (6 skaters!) rallied to defeat the Fever in a shootout thriller that will haunt Fever Captain Custer’s dreams for at least another 3 seasons. The final score was 4 -3 on the board for 2 points in the standings, but it was 100 – 0 on the ego and 10 Hail Mary’s for the Fever’s team spirit. In their second game of the evening, the boys in Dirty Blue continued to shock and awe by coming back from yet another deficit and defeating the Hamburglars in a shootout, 5-4. With only 6 greasy grinders pumping on all cylinders, Andy “I’ve got sick abs” SigmundFreudz showed up big toime with 4 ginos and an apple on the night. Perpetual beauty, Janzy D-Lick Velich, sniped a fawkin’ beaut in the shootout – on Barry doe-eyed Roe, no less!!! Props, gentlemen. Props.

Luckily for balance in the universe, both the Fever and Hamburglars got their collective shit together after their mind-numbing initial losses to the devious Dirt-bag Blues. They both went on to smash a mystified Fog Devils squad who dropped two games to two VERY ANGRY teams who had a lot to prove.

The fever dominated the first half and got on the board first when Hugo ‘the biebs’ Thalen made his way to the front of the net and outmuscled two hapless Fog Devil defenders for the puck and scored off a rebound. It wasn’t long before the FDs called upon their satanic magic to temporarily bedevil the Fever netminder and score a goal shortly before the intermission.

The fever took the lead early in the second half when Thalstin Sweiber scored on a slick backhand snipe. The goal had the near capacity crowd beliebing another Fever victory was inevitable. However, the FDs fought back admirably as Nakata crashed the net and picked up the trash, like any respectable Japanese citizen would.

The game remained tied at 2 until, with 30 seconds left, Brad ‘fitness is an addiction’ Newly scored the game-winning goal the same way he responds to his students – with a well-placed backhand.

The Burglars also took out their frustration on the Devs, who by this point in a night of double-headers probably just wanted to be doing something else. A relentless storm of brotherly Liu love lit the lamp for a combined 14 points on the evening. Fog D’s captain, Hans-suck ass, could be heard lamenting from the bench, “If only I’d drafted more hybriiiiids! IF OONLLLYYYYYY!!!!! PPPPIIIIIIIIIII——-ZZZAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

A special shout-out to the gloriously handsome Swedes on their win in the Bangkok tourney! It should be noted that many of these male-models play for the Dirty Blues regularly, so the rest of the SHC needs to stop assuming Justin ‘Brown-Town’ and Daryl ‘Dime-bag’ Slaney are too intoxicated to flip the fawwwkin’ switch.