SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 1

The Skinny:

Great News, Everybody!

After 4 weeks of attempting to decipher the coy responses from the management at the rink, and valiantly wrestling drunken KHL fans trying to steal our beer from the dusty basement we now call a storage room, the SHC finally kicked off its season.

Admittedly, many of us in the community have welcomed our new KHL overlords, but for the rest of the cagey vets out there, it’s been one Hell of a wait.

League games commenced Friday night in front of a sold out arena – though not for reasons you might think. Duped by a duplicitous Peter Helenius, confused hockey fans paid the premium price of “two smokes and a pouch of Snus” for tickets, fully expecting to see a game featuring Pavel Datsuk and Ilya Kovalchuk. Most were surprised/outraged to see that it was instead a magical night of Shanghai Hockey Club Beer Leaguers, in all their crass, yet majestic glory.


Ice Cocks started the season how they left off the last one, with a solid win. Mark Cobbett lead the way will two goals and an assist in a 4-0 win over Lowered Expectations. Steve Dyer and Taggart Thompson also scored for the Cocks while the solid D didn’t allow many shots on the two goalies, Casey and Finnigan. The LE squad was missing a few of their star players, which hurt them badly. First pick Markus Spahr missed the game due to a Toblerone overdose while star dman Chris Retrutiak was off hugging trees somewhere. No update on Retrutiak’s return, but reportedly he’s been having trouble finding an effective industrial-strength Japanese maple sap remover for his man parts.


In other matchups, the Fever – whose colour is yellow – started the SHC 2016-2017 season at a feverish pace!

On Friday, they trounced the Dirty Blues, who, given the amount of poorly grown facial hair on that team, ought to be called the Brutal Beards. The final score was a commanding 4-0. Highlights from this game included 14-year-old Justin Bieber look-a-like Hugo Thalen beating two defenders for one of his two goals, and Brian “Pipski” Pippard showing he has the moves to fake out himself, the other team, and the utterly disappointed capacity crowd with his sick – if not entirely intentional – dangles from the point.

It goes without saying that Dirty Beards captain Jan “Pansie Jansie” Velich was given a rude wake-up call and was forced to remember who the Fever were! “Mad” Max Wendelin and “Nice Guy” Newly had the other two goals for the Fever.

On Saturday, Fever went on to tame the Bingqiu Beardogs into Breastmilk Cubpuppies, who were whimpering for the Fever to stop putting the puck in the net during a 7-3 lashing! The charge was lead by Matthew “Hi-chew and Qingdao” Chapman (1g, 3a), newcomer Mike “Cous Cous” Cousineau’s delicious first ever SHC snipe, and Mike “McHustleNuts” McKevitt, who shut down SHC #1 overall pick Patrick “I wish I looked a bit more Swedish” Ruiz to only one goal. The game was iced by the Fever’s aforementioned Max Wendelin, who plunged three goals into the back of the net like a Roman warrior’s sword into the heart of his enemy, thus earning him the nickname “Maximus Goalius”,even though he is visibly Scandinavian.

Extreme caution is recommended to other teams of the SHC, as no known cure for the yellow-ish Fever has been found.


5 DB – 4 FD: It seemed the ‘sleepy blues’ were going to fall to an early demise after the Fog Devils went up 3:0 after only the first 10 minutes of play. However, the dirty boys-in-blue pulled their filthy socks up and dominated for the rest of the game. League legend, Jan Delicio Velicio, sniped 2 nasty tallies, while Jimothy Dunn and Thorse cock Thorston tagged on a couple more to make the game 4:4. The beauty GWG, a double-kill dangle followed by a snipe-a-saurus rex by Just-in-Nuff Browner, resulted in the first W on the season for the DBs. Although DBs (without renowned baby machine Slanedawg millionaire) still have some huge improvements to make, after some minor calibrations to their lineup, one could clearly feel the grease in the air as their confidence oozed out of their decrepit Snus-holes.