SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 2

Good Golly Miss Molly, Folks! You won’t believe the excitement that transpired down at dirty ol’ Fanny-Feiyang Arena this past weekend. We had fans throwing tear gas onto the ice, drunken Czechs pouring beer onto the scoreboard console, and we even had an incident involving a visibly unnerved, bleary-eyed Kunlun cheerleader squad, a pants-less Peter Helenius, and an armed swat team. No word yet on when Helenius will be out of jail, by the way.

Friday night was a doozy. And I do mean a ‘doozy’ – Two games! get it? Ahhhhhhh, Deux… no? That’s okay, our Frenchy contingent fully understands. They’re just too busy eating baguettes and checking their delicate jawlines in the mirror to take notice.

First up it was the “Get Lo wit ur Ex” crew (Lowered Expectations), who managed to shave the G Beards despite losing many players to injuries like, “Beaver Knee”, “Fondued Nerves” and “Bang Cock Itch” (which has ‘spread’ through the SHC like wildfire this week). It’s worth noting that the Gingah Beards were missing their top pick, Martin Magnan, who is reportedly suffering from “an undisclosed lower body injury” after he apparently fainted while looking at his handsome French face in the mirror for too long. The Magnan-less found the net in both periods but it wasn’t enough against Harvey “He Man’s” goal and Simon Pinard’s well-supported hat trick.

Next up was the Ice Cocks, who moved to 2-0 with a decisive win over the now 0-2 Night Splash with a 6-1 well-lubricated pounding. The Splashers got on the board early with a shot from outside the blue line that seemed to change direction on the way to the net… as pucks rolling on their side tend to do. Continued pressure from the Splashers created some panic on the IC bench, but it was short lived as the tying goal was tucked in before the first period ended. The floodgates opened in the 2nd frame with 5 unanswered goals. Cobbett and Thompson each had 2, while Dyer got his 2nd of the season. Strong play on the wings helped move the puck up ice with great games from Matt Zhang, Midori and Cason Li, while work in process, d-man Manfred Man Ortmaier, made solid plays. No word yet on when that new mountain of salt building up underneath Darry Buke’s equipment rack will be cleaned up. It’s just too bitter to deal with, according to the usually amenable arena staff.

Then there was Saturday… a night of surprise, a night of demise, a night to remember… for the Dirty Blues, anyway.

In the first game of the evening, a severely short-benched Dirty Blues squad (6 skaters!) rallied to defeat the Fever in a shootout thriller that will haunt Fever Captain Custer’s dreams for at least another 3 seasons. The final score was 4 -3 on the board for 2 points in the standings, but it was 100 – 0 on the ego and 10 Hail Mary’s for the Fever’s team spirit. In their second game of the evening, the boys in Dirty Blue continued to shock and awe by coming back from yet another deficit and defeating the Hamburglars in a shootout, 5-4. With only 6 greasy grinders pumping on all cylinders, Andy “I’ve got sick abs” SigmundFreudz showed up big toime with 4 ginos and an apple on the night. Perpetual beauty, Janzy D-Lick Velich, sniped a fawkin’ beaut in the shootout – on Barry doe-eyed Roe, no less!!! Props, gentlemen. Props.

Luckily for balance in the universe, both the Fever and Hamburglars got their collective shit together after their mind-numbing initial losses to the devious Dirt-bag Blues. They both went on to smash a mystified Fog Devils squad who dropped two games to two VERY ANGRY teams who had a lot to prove.

The fever dominated the first half and got on the board first when Hugo ‘the biebs’ Thalen made his way to the front of the net and outmuscled two hapless Fog Devil defenders for the puck and scored off a rebound. It wasn’t long before the FDs called upon their satanic magic to temporarily bedevil the Fever netminder and score a goal shortly before the intermission.

The fever took the lead early in the second half when Thalstin Sweiber scored on a slick backhand snipe. The goal had the near capacity crowd beliebing another Fever victory was inevitable. However, the FDs fought back admirably as Nakata crashed the net and picked up the trash, like any respectable Japanese citizen would.

The game remained tied at 2 until, with 30 seconds left, Brad ‘fitness is an addiction’ Newly scored the game-winning goal the same way he responds to his students – with a well-placed backhand.

The Burglars also took out their frustration on the Devs, who by this point in a night of double-headers probably just wanted to be doing something else. A relentless storm of brotherly Liu love lit the lamp for a combined 14 points on the evening. Fog D’s captain, Hans-suck ass, could be heard lamenting from the bench, “If only I’d drafted more hybriiiiids! IF OONLLLYYYYYY!!!!! PPPPIIIIIIIIIII——-ZZZAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

A special shout-out to the gloriously handsome Swedes on their win in the Bangkok tourney! It should be noted that many of these male-models play for the Dirty Blues regularly, so the rest of the SHC needs to stop assuming Justin ‘Brown-Town’ and Daryl ‘Dime-bag’ Slaney are too intoxicated to flip the fawwwkin’ switch.