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SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 6

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 6

December already? WTF, folks!

With the holiday season right around the corner, and with it the sad realization that our 2020 New Year’s Resolution fitness goals are officially shot to shit, one would think that having an HQ in a shopping mall would greatly benefit the SHC news team in its search for some cathartic retail therapy. Unfortunately, we spent the entire day walking around and didn’t pick up anything apart from some serious schizoprhenic Liam Vibes

(Pictured Above: Sneak Preview Footage from the SHC’s very own Episode of “Making a Murderer: Stalkin’ Austin, the Minhang Menace”)

Luckily for us there was a constant flow of reports to keep us distracted with all the extraordinary extracurricular action happening around town. The most intriguing of which involved our newest King and SHC member of the year, Yuzo Yamada:

If you didn’t already hear about it, this absolüt beaüt found a way to gift the SHC 50 Cases of Pilsner Urquell, a premium Czech beer. Behold:

(Editor’s Note: Just don’t look too closely at the expiration date, buoys n’ gulls, and we’ll be drinking from now till January 17th like a Euro-trash Kings! Kings I tells ya!!!)

(This 3rd-tier shopping mall store’s for you, Yuzo)

But enough about all that. Let’s see what the cat dragged in.


Saturday November 28th 

Ice 4 vs. Fog Devils 2

An oustanding performance from the Shanghai Ice’s youngling, Skywalker Hou resulted in a hattie that left the Foggy D’s wondering what happened to their force on Saturday night. It’s worth mentioning that Skywalker’s linemates, Jedi” Jim Burgess (1 g and 2A) and Viceroy” Victor Mui (2A) did their part, pitching some cosmic apples into the beskar bushel en route to the convincing victory.  

(Pictured Above: A Cosmic Apple, clearly)


Giants 3 vs. Capitalists 2 (OT)

For the second weekend in a row The Capitalists and The Giants took to the ice for a romantic weekend dalliance. After last week’s heated embrace in the dying seconds of the game between Ivan “The Tinder Terror” and Matt “Hell hath no fury like that of a Whately scorned”, nobody really knew what to expect in this week’s serialized soap opera. 

Not to worry if you missed it. As a special treat to our fans, we had our IT department edit together the lover’s quarrel for your viewing pleasure (editor’s note: if high velocity impacts make you squeamish…. or horribly inconsistent volume levels…. viewer beware):

“MAh. NAME. IhS. SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID. SKID ROCK!”

Opening the scoring for the Caps with a muffin of catastrophic proportions was Paul “Dicks out” Karam-be. After somehow losing the draw, he still found a way to squeeze it past Syer’s inflated pads. Surprised but not deflated, the Giants woke up when Ivan “But I deleted Tinder after ‘the incident’” Tchekaskin rushed up the ice from his own zone and dished the sauce tape to tape to Sander “I’m only here for the beer” Vermeulen for the equaliser and his first of the season.

The game was slow as shit usual for the SHC until Ivan and goaltender, Eric “I can skate better than you, just let me break it out” Rupert came up with the genius idea of gift-wrapping a wrap-around for the Caps’ Seb Flaaschma just in time for the holidays. 2-1 for the money makers.

Eventually, Hiro “お つ か れ” Otake got tired of sharing the ice with his Euro-trash captain and sent Sander “get-the-fuck-off-the-ice” Vermeulen wide down the left wing. The resulting clap-bomb surprised everybody, including Brett “Welcome to the Gap…between my fucking pads” Syer to equalise once again.

 

(Pictured Above: Sander speaking to Brett after tying the game)

The final minutes were ticking away and everybody was preparing for OT until Fumiaki “knock-kneed n’ greasy” Nakanishi took a penalty with 1:20 remaining in regulation. 

The Caps clearly ignored this golden opportunity, allowing a missed short-handed breakaway by Susumu “I crack brews for breakfast” Nakata, and were lucky to stretch it into overtime. To quote Jan “Yeah but you should see me play Floorball” Jelinek, “This was the shittiest OT I have ever seen: 2 penalties, 32 seconds of play and the ugliest OT goal of all time by Ivan, but we won so I can’t complain!”


 

Sunday November 29th 

Fog Devils (L) vs. Manhunters (W) (forfeit)

It has been said that there are only 2 things we know with absolute certainty:

1) That a broken watch is right twice a day

2) That The Manhunters were overdue

4) That Math isn’t our strong suit

“Any fool can see this is true. ANY FOOL” -Sheldon Hunt

The forfeit loss capped off a bummer weekend for the Fog Devils, who were trying to rebound from their first loss of the year in week 5 and a thumping on Saturday.

In related news, Manhunters’ Team Captain, Sheldon “I believe in Miracles” Hunt shared an image he believed was “a sign” that proved he was in for a week of, “delicious Christmas-season auspiciousness”:

(Weird word choice, we know)


Shamrocks 8 – Eagles 2

The final game of the weekend got underway after a bunch of toolbags finished running some Pee-Wee level breakout drills for an hour because another BIGGER bunch of toolbags forfeited the early game.  And honestly folks, we saw a better display of team chemistry in the group of dancing Aiyis outside the rink.  

(Editor’s Note: They also knit us some pretty sweet homemade face masks for the winter – sweethearts, every one of them)

The only saving grace for the crowd was the chance to see Hritzik’s magnificent salad flowing out of the back of his bucket. But the roars of fury when the spectators saw he’d cut it clean off almost caused a riot. At that point the surly crowd was ready to go home and watch The Queen’s Gambit with their wives and pretend to be interested in the refreshingly original cinematography and breathtaking quality of production… But alas, the Shammies hit the ice looking to make it 6 in a row.  

The Eagles opened the scoring when Nick “The Gorilla Korilla-son” went bar-down on a pretty little number from just inside the blue line.  Taka-san also scored for the Shit Birds on a garbage-time goal that no one gave a shit about, really.  

Sandwiched between these two irrelevant goals were eight Shamrock tallies. Speaking of being sandwiched…:

TK “The Taint Kisser” Takahara notched two goals in tight for the Shamrocks.  Brian (or Bryan?? With an I? a Y? Ugh, this guy) Sternburger also had two for the Shammies after going with the half-visor for the first time this year.  Dude can finally see the friggin’ net!  

A few other knobs also scored for the Clovers, including Karl I ain’t no Kullerback girl (see picture above) on one of the prettiest one-timers of the year.  And of course Walshy blah blah and Chris Im yadda yadda whatever whatever….the two biggest taint kissers of all:

  

The Eagles were stifled most of the game by the Great Green Wall of Defense, anchored by I wanna rock! (Rock!) Sun and I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and Miles Liu.


Well that’s all she wrote for Week 6, folks! But if you’re still perturbed that Liam still hasn’t been brought in by the police, come down to the Veiny Tiger and buy your loved ones a winter coat with a clear message the dark voices in his head can’t possibly misinterpret:

Hahha, oh Liam. Your path out of the Friendzone is a very dark one indeed, old friend. 

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SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 4

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 4

Cheese and crackers, folks!

With the ungodly amount of 11/11 online shopping clogging up our bandwidth this week, it’s a miracle we managed to post anything at all! You see, the SHC’s very own “Newly Cushion” hit the digital marketplace just in time for the annual online shopping frenzy. And I’m here to tell you, buds – these bad boys sold like hotcakes:

(Editor’s Note: When you join the SHC we own the trademark to your likeness and nicknames till the end of time. It’s in the T&C’s when you sign up for shinny. Don’t believe me? Go look it up – we own you!)

After delivering all 230,000 newly units across the greater Jiangsu province, it was back to the phones for the SHC team, as reports rolled in to give us the skinny on week 4 action. And we’ll get to that in good time, but first let’s take this opportunity to plug another one of our hottest selling Newly line of products. We call it, “The Family Newells” apron:

Pictured Above: Anatomical Correctness

Without any further ado, let’s pop the lid off this can of shriveled little worms, shall we?


Saturday November 14th 


Fog Devils 5 vs. Manhunters 4 (OT)

Saturday night opened up with a fierce battle as the undefeated Fog Devils quickly fell behind due to a sneaky play that saw Jeff “The Nightman” Hritzuk karate chop a high-and-wide point shot out of midair right down to his stick. He then buried the biscuit with a blur of cat-quick reflexes so quick you’d have sworn he was a black belt.

HSssssssssssss” – Jeff Hritzuk

Lo and behold, the game’s antagonist scored another one by slithering up centre ice like a nimble burglar in the middle of the night, sliding his second right through a helpless Barry Roe’s no-no zone. 

Not one to be disheartened, Newly fired back up center ice like a bitch in heat and ripped a wrister on the short side, making it 2 – 1 Manhunters at the end of the first period.

Pictured Above: A dramatic reenactment of Newly’s (L) heroics

The SHC’s resident camera woman and 2020’s award winner for “most tickled profile picture in the SHC group chats,Amy Bruce, inched closer to the edge of her seat for some second-half action. Unfortunately, it was just in time to see her husband, Loosey Brucey, get lit up as the ever-venomous Hritizuk struck out at an errant pass like a snake and turned into the FD’s zone to complete a natural hattrick. 

Pictured Above: Gluteus Correctness

(Editor’s Note: this post’s late and I’ve decided to let the rest of this summary play out as originally intended – enjoy!)

Nimble Newly quickly returns with a headfirst into the net goal (no one is sure what part of his iron man body put it in). Witch now puts the Devils back into the battle. The Devils team Caption “Soft Hands Hans” gallops all the way down the ice with elegance around all defenders and sticks one in the upper deck making it a tie game. (What a beauty). 

Pictured Above: Newly evening the score

“That Darn Guy” on the Hunters once again shows his talent with a, nobody knows where the puck is but him scramble in front of the net goal. Again “who is this guy” That’s 4 G’s. Once again, the Hunters are up 4-3. Not to be out done Nimble Newly with a beautiful pass from Yodelin’ Yofa five holes a goal making it 4-4 and entering O.T.

You can cut the tension with a knife as the final battle of the Titians begins. The unstoppable forward line up of Yosef, Newly and Hans pass the puck around like all-stars and win the game 5-4 Fog Devils. Maintaining an undefeated record.  – Adrian Bruce Jr., age 9


Shamrocks 4 vs. Capitalists 1

The Capitalists weren’t the only ones smelling what the ‘ROCKS were cooking Saturday night as onlookers were dazzled by amazing feats of puck possession and refereeing provided by the Chinese Institute for the Blind. 

 

In a surprise feat, Ben “Will it in” Williston managed to register his first SOG (and tally) of the year. Fantasy leaguers are expecting big production now that Ben has begun to experience the hormonal advantages of puberty. Though it’s been widely reported that he’s in a weird phase as a result:

Pictured Above: Williston’s Version of the Newly Pillow

Coming up clutch with the GWG was none other than the wandering ronin, Tetsu Kitahara. This masterless Shammaurai banged home his second of the year, giving the boys in green a crucial 2-goal lead. 

 

Game-time decision, Michael “there’s worse diseases to have than COVID” Walsh may have been under the weather, but the only thing he was transmitting out there was some disgusting sauce. At one point he hocked a beauty across 2 international airspaces to… his own D partner?!? Now, it’s not often that you can say that a D-to-D pass ends up in a breakaway goal, but we can only guess that Rock “The Dwayne” Sun was on the receiving end of some delicious lung butter while he was doing his best to socially distance himself from Walshy.

We were going to mention how Brian “Fur-burger” Sternberger tallied his first of the year, but we are expecting more opportunities to acknowledge him later as he has reminded us in many a drunken stupor that “I’m putting up 15 this year boys”. Only 14 more to go Sterny. Jiayou, ya duster.


Sunday November 15th


Manhunters 5 vs. Giants 6

Ho jesus, folks. It didn’t take very long for the Manhunters’ secret weapon, Jazzy Jeff Hritzuk to unleash the grease on the Giants’ D-core (scoring his second natural hattie of the weekend, I might add). The Giants found themselves in a hole before rising star Giants defender, “Tiger King Gao decided to singlehandedly even the score by hunting down a couple of “Carole Baskins” for his mantle. (editor’s note: …That Bitch) 

With the score pretty much even at half, the Giants’ secondary scoring unit were forced to sit back and listen to a terrifying tirade from 5’4″ Yoko Ono Mitani to get their asses in gear:

“…now… if any of you son’s of bitches got anything else to say, nnNNOWs’s the fuckin’ tiiiime!” – Yoko Hitani

Sparked by fears of imminent castration, Shane “Anatomically Correct” Anderson fed Yoko for a beauty in the slot that helped put the Giants up for a spell. Another PP tally late in the game from the Sandertchekaskerson line helped keep the Giants ahead for good, despite a limp-dicked comback attempt.


Eagles 2 vs. Ice 6

In the final game action of the weekend, the Shanghai Ice matched up against the Sr. Eagles. 

“Was it a close game….who knows, 

Was it a fun game….seemed so; 

Can any of you pylons nodding your heads on the subway pretending you understand this actually read?

Of course not.” 

-Alexis Gale

 

As for the actual game, the Ice converted a ridiculous number of chances into 6 goals and the victory. They were led by a 4-point night from Victor “ask me about my watch” Mui, who scored his first hat-trick of the season and added a helper on a goal by the man who is without a doubt the most attractive Swede in the history of the SHC, Martin “Ladies Love RC Racing, Just Ask My Wife” Skäriin

Pictured Above: Waistband Correctness

Sky “High” Hou and Alex “Why the fuck don’t your gloves match?” Galeeach had 3-point nights with a goal and 2 assists to their names. 

It is with great pleasure that we take this moment to mention that David “Why is Victor still yelling at me?” Lin picked up his first point of the season on a beauty of an apple behind the net. 

The Eagles managed 2 goals to keep it respectable, both on local brewer, Casey “Lanehouse” Westergaard, whose beer bottles better have fewer holes in them than HE did in that crease, or else the man’s business is going belly up. Andrea “Pipe and a Crepe-az” and Patrick “My personality makes up for my lack of a wrist shot” Yardley were the lonely goal scorers.


Well that’s all she wrote for Week 4, folks! Stay tuned for some top-tier game action this weekend. Also, let us know if you’re interested in a Sanya hockey tournament taking place on December 28-31. Beach, Beers, and New Year’s. Click yes or no, please and thx!

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SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 2 + 3

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 2 + 3

Hoooolly Ravioooooli, folks!

With all the last-minute schedule changes, random weeknight games, and reporters gone AWOL due to a few ecstacy-fueled halloween weekend benders, we’ve had to bust our humps down here at HQ to pump out the gnarly game action for our legions of rabid fans.

“Ho boy… yep… oh ya. Ohhhh ya. Now I’m feelin’ it”
“Really? I still got nothin’ over here …wait… when did we leave my office?”

Lucky for you we’re cranking it out in time for the morning commute, so get a good grip on that metro pole (pole grip runs in your blood, just ask yer ma!) and get ready for a double serving of game action goodness! (yer genetically predispositioned fer that one too – so no need to warm up, lol)


“hmmm… that’s not very nice”

Admittedly, it didn’t help our productivity that everyone was glued to the tv screen, waiting on pins and needles to see how the results of a widely publicized and controversial election would turn out…


The Ivory Coast elections, of course. Crazy stuff, boys! Image 3 cheers for Democracy!!!

No time for shenanigans, though, let’s get into it:

Week 2 Action Oct 31st – Nov 5th

Shamrocks 8 vs. Eagles 2

The trick or treaters of the world weren’t the only ones in for a scare on Halloween night, as the Shamrocks took on the Eagles down at the Sanlin Sports Center

The Shamrocks came out with a vengeance after dropping their week 1 game and gave their loyal fans one hell of a treat. The Shammies tallied 8 goals from 8 different degens, achieving the rare feat known as “the octo-degenerate.”


Pictured Above: A man so inbred he can count to 8 on his left foot

The short-handed Seagulls – likely due to most of their team being off somewhere chasing candy instead of W’s – looked like they were auditioning for roles as a bunch of brainless Zombies in a cheap thriller with no happy ending, as they skated listlessly around the ice looking for brains… which sadly didn’t exist anywhere in the arena.


(Pictured Above: The SHC Exec)

A notable tally came from league legend and Shamrock of the game, ‘Diamond’ Dennis Larcombe. The weight and pressure of missing open nets for the past 40+years was lifted off his shoulders as ‘The Diamond’ came through with what would turn out to be a pivotal goal in a game that no one gave a shit about.


Coal + Pressure + Time = Dennis

As a bonus, the crowd got to witness the SHC’s very own last of the Mo-Sweden’s. This near extinct breed is rarely seen in Shanghai since the recent plague has ravaged their numbers within the SHC. To show they are still here, hidden in the shadows of Midsömmer, Rikard “Man Bun” Ivner tickled the twine in the late ticks of the game to put the final nail in the Eagles coffin.

Karl “Clap-back” Kullerback, led both teams in shot attempts with 37. All of which “clapped back” out of the zone after missing the net high and wide.

Fog Devils 3 vs. Capitalists 1

@Hans von Meister 開幕2連勝中のFog Devilsは初戦勝利のCapitalistsを撃破し3連勝を飾る!Fogsは開始直後パックを霧の中に放り込んで試合は始まった。現在Top スコアラーJared Scotchmerが先制点をあげ、今日のチームMVP Bill Longstreetが自ら道を開きゴールポストを鳴らすスーパーゴールを決めた!更にJared Scotchmerがダメ押しの3点目を決める。又、Fog Devilsディフェンス陣はパーフェクトな仕事でCapitalistの仕事を止め、彼らの投資を失敗させた!もうFog Devilsは誰にも止められない!

Pictured Above – The Japanese DICK responsible for this submission (…don’t even pretend that you don’t get this joke, you Porn-addicted savage)

Shamrocks 4 vs. Manhunters 1

In a reversal of roles, the Manhunters became the hunted as the Shamrocks aimed to seek and destroy during their second appearance of week 2 action.

The Manhunters jumped out to an early lead when Upper Deck top prospect, Jeff “竜巻旋風脚” HruuHaiitSeppuburikyaku, ripped a one-timer from the high slot. On an interesting side note, through some investigative reporting the SHC brass recently discovered that the pronunciation of Jeff’s last name is merely the phonetic equivalent of the hurricane kick from Street Fighter II:


Pictured Above: Hurricane Kick Hritzuk

With the state of affairs being what they were, the Shammies doubled their investments into the safest bet on the market – DIAMONDS. ‘Diamond’ Dennis Lacombe’s stock’s rising steadily this winter. His 2 apples on the night doubled his career point total in just the past two games!

(Editor’s Note: For all of you fantasy leaguers out there needing to dump some of that first round dead weight *Cough*Riley*Cough*, time to go all in on this ‘Diamond’ in the rough)

The Shamrocks’ Canadian line up front proved to be too much on this night as all four of their tallies came from the red and white contingent. Team captain, Michael “Danky ballsh” Walsh dropped trou 3 times in the win with wily veteran Tony “it’s not a toomah” Azuma adding a single, the eventual game winner.

Ice 3 vs. Giants 1

Thursday night brought us the first meeting between the Ice; a group of scrappy, upstanding gentlemen who just love the game of hockey, and the Giants; a group of questionable degenerates lead by 90’s Pantene Pro-V commercial mainstays, Sander Vanmuppet and his partner-4-life, Ivan “where you from, Just askin’?” Tchekashkin.


(Editor’s Note: Prrrretty sure that’s the Namibian flag. Nobody really knows for sure tho)

The scoring was opened on a b-e-a-utiful solo effort by the Ice’s charismatic leader Alex “Spotless Record, Flawless Character” Gale who continues to be a stalwart example of class and sportsmanship to the hockey community at large…


(Pictured Above: The Grating White Trash Nature of Alex Gale Beautifully Symbolized)

The game was tied up rather quickly, however, when the Giants’ Tiger “Le Tigre” Tigersson escaped the zoo and answered with his own solo tally by burying one top cheese Louise.

Some scrappy mid-ice play from the real-life Looney Toon, Wiley-Coyote Krapft and star of the upcoming Chinese iteration of High-School Musical, David Lin prompted momentary indecision by the Giants, which allowed perennial yeller and one of the leagues angriest men, Victor “Leather Shoey” Mui to take a pass from everybody’s weird Auntie’s favourite player, Jimmy “Boudoir” Burgess and break in off the wing where he made no mistake popping his cherry with his first goal of the year.

Special mention to the Ice’s barely Russian-sounding, Ivanionov Orlovazlov who picked up a second-assist and his first point of the year.


“You can’t spell ‘lol’ without Orlov”

The game was put out of reach by Andre Denomme in the second half when he pulled some moves out of his back pocket that had the crowd in awe. It was an all-around solid team win for the Ice who are looking like a force to be reckoned with here in the SHC.


Pictured Above: The Shanghai Ice

Week 3 Action Nov 7th – 8th

Ice 5 vs. Capitalists 2

*what follows is an edited first draft write-up from 17-year old league member and prodigy child, David Lin. The SHC’s retained English teacher gave it a once over, so here’s hoping you learn a thing or two, Davey.*

(Kid’s got potential. Tap and zoom to see more. Leave your own edits in the comments, ya beaut!)

Manhunters 1 vs. Eagles 2
Well well well, the Eagles picked up their first win of the season!

Fog Devils 5 vs. Ice 4

Sunday night witnessed two of the most exciting games in the annals of the Shanghai Hockey Club. In the first match-up of this historic night, the Fog Devils battled fiercly with the Shanghai Ice. A true David vs Goliath match-up pitted seven valiant heroes in red against an innumerable throng of purple jerseys.


(Lol, no actually… But yes.)

Historians have conflicting reports of what exactly transpired, but unanimously agree that ninja warrior Kazuhito “Bushido Blade” Matsuda put the team on his back, firing in a glorious GWG in the waning minutes of the game as hordes of Ice swarmed, clawing for a piece of his samurai essence.


(If I had to choose, I’d say his essence was ‘Lavender’)

Bill “Pointy Elbows” Longstreet kept the enemy at bay with his ferocity while Josef “Wine & Curry” Natour dropped apples like Johnny. In what will surely be a tale passed down for generations, light triumphed against darkness… Also Alex and Sky scored some goals.

Shamrocks 3 vs. Giants 0

The Shamrocks made it 3 in a row Sunday night with their 3-0 shutout victory over the Giants.

In a hard-fought battle, the Shamrocks proved to be too much for the Yeti-folk on the Giants. Chris “Giant Slayer” Im had a hell of a night as he was shimmying his way up and down the ice like an overly excited Jack on a big ol’ blatantly phallic beanstalk:

“I’ve got an addiction to the friction, baybeeehhhhhhh”

Im buried a beautiful tic-tac-toe play from the Last of the Mo-Sweden’s Ivner to give the Shamrocks the stranglehold they needed to cut the Giants down to size.

The hero of the day, however, was Shinji “Ninjesus” Nakatake:

Shinjesus left a bitter taste in the Giants’ mouth as he buried a lemon in a gaping cage to kickstart the scoring in the first frame. The wily veteran’s first goal of the year stood to be the deciding marker on the evening.

Speaking of bitter concoctions – get a load of this asshole’s goalie pants:

Sir Charles Rupert was steadfast behind his seemingly homemade armor as he and his masked compatriot, Sir Barry the Creaseless, stood tall in the combined shutout for the Shamrocks. Thankfully for Sir Charles, his capacity to mind the iron cage is far mightier than his capacity to tuck a shirt…


(Editor’s Note: Brutal. Just gross. If this post gets flagged by the authorities, this hideous tuck will be the reason)

The fairytale ending was capped off by the elemental man, himself, Rock ‘Paper Scissors’ Sun when he received a delicious piping hot pizza up the middle from Giant’s defender, Shane “great fuckin’ speech” Anderson. With his 3rd goal in as many games, the Rock-solid D-man cast the final stone of the night, so to speak.


(Pictured Above: Anderson Ironically Delivering an Inspired Mid-game Speech to his Teammates about how He’s going to Stop Sendin’ the Free Delivery up the Middle and Start Bringin’ the Digiorno)

Well that’s all she wrote, folks. Stay tuned and don’t forget to follow the SinBin for all the juicy notifications you need to get instant access to beer league newz n’ viewz you can surely uze. In the meantime, keep your stick on the ice!

Like, Share, and just Ssssend it bud.

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SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 1

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 1

Man Alive! Whatta Barn-burner, Folks!

You probably had to be down at ol’ faithful Feiyang to believe it, but this weekend’s games had so many broken plays, stupid penalties, and unprovoked instances of teammate bashing that everyone in the rink just started crying tears of happy joy now that everything was seemingly back to normal in the SHC – it really was a sentimental affair. We even got swept up in the positive emotions and decided to join forces with Kevin “Teeny Weenie” Martini’s beloved clothing franchise to share some space at his flagship store.

“I can’t see this coming back to haunt us whatsoever!”
“nah, me either!”

It should be noted, however, that die-hard fans noticed immediately that something seemed… well… less Swedish… about the level of talent in the SHC this year, and they had all kinds of theories as to why. Some pointed to Covid as the main reason we’re fresh out of blonde beauties on the top lines, so we did some testing just to be sure:

“Nah, this is all totally normal, you guys”

Admittedly, the most intriguing theory as to why so many of our beautiful Swedish man-rockets disappeared during the 8-month off-season was hinted to us via an anonymous photo we received in the mail room:

But all joking aside, folks, we haven’t seen that strong of a season opener since Stephen “The Faux Fashionista” Dyer decided to kick off his fall line of signature knock-off luxury goods last month down here at the Veiny Tiger shopping mall.

“DYOR… for men of sophistication… who also have no money”

But enough with the capitalist mumbo jumbo (more on that later, coincidentally). Let’s get into it, shall we?


Shamrocks 3 vs. Fog Devils 5

*directly translated from the original Spanish*

The Fog Devils came out of the gates firmly, which promises to be a season of good Hockey. They delivering on the court intensity, creativity and sense of equipment matching strongly. Jarard Scotchmerssön opened the scoring, and soon after 3rd round pick, Yosef, scored the second point; Shamrocks was beginning to understand why the grass withered before the fire! They say “more does the Devil know by old man, than by Diablo,” and Fog Devils understands it very well (editor’s note: whatever the heaven-sent fuck that means).

The accumulated experience of mature players served as a lusty catapult for completely new players like “Hellfire” Styrefors to score on their first night on the ice, and for “Total Recall” Rico to fulfill his dream of participating in his first organized hockey game of his life.

In the second half, the great Newly the Prey Animal decided it was time to graze and closed the night with two goals that made Shamrocks leave the rink with nothing but foggy mist between his gloves.

(He does look like a bit of a lamb, if lambs had 2% body fat)


Shanghai Ice 3 vs. Manhunters 1 

The opening night of the SHC 2020 season also saw an exciting game between the Ice and the Manhunters. Rocking a ten that was tighter than your average European man’s pants, the Ice came out flying with delicious Russian heartthrob “Peanut Butter n’ Jam-il” and ice-cold, French-Canadian snowball, Andre Denomme “Déneigé” picking up some frosty scoring chances.

Pictured above: the losing team

There were good opportunities at both ends of the rink, but some amazing saves from Brett “The Hitless” Syer and Barry Roe – a man whose head looks oddly similar to the fish eggs he is so aptly named after – kept the game scoreless throughout the first.

“I dare you to say that again”

The Ice jumped out to a quick lead in the second period, however, when new captain and established douchebag, Alex Gale, ripped a slapshot from the point harder than the crotch seams of the euro-cut skinny jeans he wears under his gear. Gale’s second goal of the evening came shortly after on another beautifully placed slapshot that whipped over Syer’s shoulder so fast he is now permanently bald.

The Manhunters did not go down without a fight, though. Keeping the slapshot theme alive, Jeffrey Alladin Hritzuk (not a nickname – his mother just loves Disney movies, people) let one loose from just inside the blueline. The game could have gone either way at this point as players from both teams were whipping around the rink trying to score like it was 4am at Found. Luckily for the Ice, Sky “High” Hou, the youngest man legally allowed to join the league thanks to Shane’s checkered background, broke free on a breakaway and executed it perfectly, potting the 3rd and final goal for the team in purple. Game… Blouses.


Giants 2 vs. Fog Devils 3

*directly translated from the original Swedish* 

The Fog Devils played the second game of their season-opening back-to-back on Sunday night. With only 9 men, the FDs took an early lead and managed to keep the opponents away. Though nobody knows how, exactly…

History doesn’t remember the losers, but they were definitely the whites on this night… The Red team’s certified stud was Newly, who did everything right on the ice and was rewarded with eternal youth. The red machine continues to trundle into the mine. So, put on a headlamp and join the devil’s Shangley train.

*From Hans – insert reference to heavy metal band Slayer*


Capitalists 6 vs. Eagles 3 

The stars shone bright in the usually acidic skies of Pudong Sunday night as the game everyone was actually waiting for on opening weekend kicked off. The Capitalists and Eagles made their season debuts with easily the most screaming fans in attendance. Never mind that they were paid, no one minds paying for fake screams in the SHC…

“Wait… I don’t get it. Is he alluding to paid professional wailers at traditional Chinese funerals?”

“Yeah… I think so”

The score opened half way through the first with the Eagles bouncing one in past Casey “I’m here to drink Beer” Westeryeast, who otherwise played pretty solid for having such a liquid diet. Not to be outdone, the Caps decided to give offense a try, cycling the puck back to forwards learning how to play D when Swedish All-Star and “Sexiest Man in Asia 2017” Freddy Nyquist pulled himself out of the game after the first shift due to a nagging injury. David “I Actually Have 3 names” Gonzalez let one go from the point, a new position for the man who usually parks himself in front of the net, that was tipped by Super Boomi himself to tie the game. Though initially the goal was credited to Gonzalez, luckily Boomi has more cameras at the game than the NHL hockey ops centre on HNIC, and he picked up the gino.

The boys struck again when Yuzo “Yakuzo” Yamada let one go from the point. During the second half, Sebasstian “Whoo Needs aa Shiirt” Schaafsma realized he too was on camera and was finally going to play. After going coast to coast not once, not twice, but 3 fuggin’ toimes, burying a hat trick of beauty goals each more so than the last, the kid was tuckered out from all the embellished celly’s .

(not a mistake that this is in here twice, folks)

The Eagles were not done, though. They mounted a pretty decent counter attack, notching a goal to make it 5-2. But the Caps poured it on with a late goal by Super Boomi, his second of the game. Then, as the final seconds ticked down, the Eagles made it respectable with a rebound goal off against a set of stacked pads constructed by Vitalli to end the game on a positive note.


Well, that’s all she wrote folks. See you animals next week. Get out there and vote in the meantime, you anti-maskin’ Yanks!

(The original anti-masker, for reference)

 And can we all just take a quick second to acknowledge the fact that we had jerseys for the season opener puck drop in… well… since Faye took over Boar sports? 

Posted by aaron, 0 comments
SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 9

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 9

Week 9

Happy New Year, ya friggen’ beauties!

It took a couple of weeks to fully recover from the holiday hangover, but the SHC finally resumed play this week. And boy oh boy, was it ever sloppy. Believe me, folks, we’ve had a couple humdingers over the past few months, but this weekend played witness to a league chock-full of over-stuffed, jet-lagged beauts doing their best just to remember where they hung up their goddam skates before the Christmas break.

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“I don’t even remembah vich ones ah mine… Feeèēêęéèck it”

Reportedly, BO, aka ‘The Missing (Ginger) Link’, was hard at work buzzing blades all Friday and Saturday night, just to make sure the boys had an easier time working off the ol’ Christmas goose. Alas, it didn’t make things any prettier. Luckily for us, a legend was born – well, two, actually.

Friday Night

Ice Cocks 3 vs. Gingerbeards 1

This was a fairly tight match due to great goaltending from JF Poutinelanger and Crispy Crunch Christofferson. ICs had a short bench but ‘Pretty Kai for a Wu guy’ stepped up large with 2 big goals. Cobbett ‘the filthy Hobbit’ chipped in a ‘tolkein’ goal while the Magnificent Midori, Geriatric Zhang and newcomer Li ‘Hard-on’ Cason all played solid games up front on the forecheck. Defense was solid all night shutting down the flying Frenchman Fartbum Manbang (for the first time this season!). Garbage goal king ‘It’z not a toomah’ Boomi Lai had the lone Ginger goal.

Special “Get Well” wishes to Ice Cock defenseman, Dave ‘Oh wouldn’t it be nice’ Rice, who broke a ‘drumstick’ skiing during the holidays. The good news is that Dave says he will be back – Bobby Baun style – just in time for the playoffs.

(editor’s note: A more current reference would’ve been Steven Stamkos, but absolutely nobody has the time to say this aloud, lest they be subject to another Barry Duke lecture on the grandeur of old-time hockey)

old-timers

Beer League: Origins

Chiefs 3 vs. Lowered Expectations 2

The Lowered Expectations had… high?… expectations… for their first game back, but with the sudden disappearance of the “Mayor” of Hellenius-ville, things were up in the air. To describe it candidly, the ambience in the rink was sort of like a “Tan-Tan” date: awfully mysterious, a bit apprehensive, but bound to get hairy sooner or later. Even without Fitz De Smurf psyching the team with some pre-game Carly Rae war chants, the Chiefs still managed to chalk up a win over the less-desirables.

It should be noted that ‘Big Poppa’ Leon’s legendary performance was the talk of the night. It truly was something for the history books. You see, throughout the history of the Shanghai Hockey Club, several legends have been made. Many legacies have been forged in this bittersweet beer-league saga, and on Saturday night we were lucky to bear witness to the rise of yet another.

Arriving at the rink in the nick of time, inexplicably dressed in hospital scrubs, nobody even had time to ask Wuggi Woogz what was going on before the game kicked off. (It turns out that he managed to escape from the delivery room right after his wife passed out from giving birth to his healthy baby twins). After scoring two goals (one for each of his beautiful kids) and helping his team win the game, he whipped his gear to the ground, hopped back into his pastel-blue scrubs, then hastily rushed back to the hospital before his wife had even realized he left.

Whatta. Fucken’. Beaut!

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The SHC in its entirety acknowledges your feat, Leon. You, Sir, stand alone as an example for the rest of us. Congratulations, you glorious bastard.

 

Saturday Night

Ice Cocks 5 vs. Lowered Expectations 0

The Lice Cracks showed up with 7 players and needed a big effort from everyone to stay in the game against a usually solid Low-Ex squad. After an end-to-end rush by Stevie ‘Try-hard, Die-hard’ Dyer ending with a perfect shot for the first goal, things snowballed. After that, Corn on the Cobbett had 2 goals and 2 assists to lead the Cocks to a commanding 5-0 half-time lead. From there on in it was shut down time, and the pace of the game got even slower until it ultimately stopped dead in its crotchety tracks. Jason Vorhees (the goalie) got an SHC shutout, not allowing either team to score (although Majestic Midori, who continues to look good out there, put herself into the net on a great individual effort. Coincidentally, nobody’s heard from her since the game).

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*che-che-che ah-ah-ah* “I swear to f@$k, Midori, if you crash into me one more time I will straight up murder you” *che-che-che ah-ah-ah*

Harvey ‘Two-Face’ He was the only good player for LE, throwing the body at both teams indiscriminately – as the Harvey Dents of the world tend to do.

Fog Devils 4 vs. Beardogs 1

2017 is the year of the cock, and the foggy Ds could not let their franchise brethren down. After a tumultuous start to the 2016-2017 campaign, the team knew that something had to change. There were some pieces missing. And those pieces were Jay Fit, Tyler Perro, and a double cheeseburger.

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And some balls

After these three additions to the roster and a passionate and invigorating pregame speech given by a jock-clad Hans-suck-ass, the Fog Devils hit the ice for the first time this year actually looking to win. Player of the game Nakata said, “I played with the fury of a thousand suns. Nothing could hold me back.” Evan ‘The Haircut’ Shen added, “My new year’s resolution was to score 3 goals per game, and I couldn’t let the team down.” Facing a rabid Beardogs team with a recently acquired early-90s-time-traveling Jaromir Jagr, the game began. Fresh off the long-term IR, Danny “Danny” Guo put the good guys up quickly off of what spectators described as “the most raw display of athleticism ever seen.”

Knowing that in the SHC, no lead is safe, Albert “Blyad” Almukhametov cranked up the pressure with a legendary wrist shot, beating former Ringette goaltender Isaac ‘The Body’ McKitrick top-shelf where mama hides the cheeseburgers. “It was a fricken’ laser beam. I saw the puck clearly the whole way through, but his [Blyad’s] snipes cannot be eaten… I mean, um, contained – whatever. Now excuse me while I crush this double chee,’ said McKitrick. ‘Overactive Thyroid’ Ryan Baerg added two humongous goals. “I would’ve had more if I stayed onside,” he told reporters from an offside position during the game. The Beardogs’ Stu “Taibei Chun K” Chan tallied the only goal for the team whose hats are woefully without logos. After a tremendous start to the year, the Fog Devils look to continue their streak into the coming weekend versus a red-hot Dirty Blues team and the Fever in a double-cheese McHeader.

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“Jesus, whose helmet is this? XXXL – I didn’t even know they made those. Oh wait, Baerg! BAERG I found it!”

Gingerbeards 4 vs. Chiefs 2

Saturday’s third match turned into a battle between the bearded cowboys and the chiefless Indians. The Beards’ top snipers ‘Big Bamboomie’ and Martin ‘wee man’ Magnon each potted a pair to give the Beards a much needed victory on the battlefield. Shortly after the smoke cleared, one of the Chiefs was heard to say, “Tonto no like redbeard’s medicine, tastes like buffalo dung”

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(Editor’s note: I hope this picture is relevant, BO. I’m not positive which Indians we’re talkin’ about. In Canada we call them First Nations People)

Dirty Blues 5 vs. Hamburglars 4

Who doesn’t love playing puck at midnight?!

The final game of Saturday night started off slow, slow enough that ‘Dimebag’ Daryl Slaney, Jan ‘Bon Jovi’, Jim ‘Been dere, Dunn Dat’, YO-momma-so-FAt Natour, Frederick ‘the cyclist’ Nyquist, Thorse-cock Hugedicks and Justinuff Le Brun had the time to shoot the breeze over how they got away with selecting such a loaded squad of vets.

Luckily for them, the Hamburglars were too busy figuring out who wanted to make the first pass out of their own end to do anything to stop the Dirty Blues chemistry that was apparent right from the get go. Slitherin’ Slaney opened up the scoring when he dangled a couple pylons on D to score a beauty early in the frame.

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“OFYB – I FAWKIN LOOOVE PLAYIN’ THE HAMBURGLARS!”

Janzy ‘D’Lick’ Velich followed up shortly after with a disgustingly European knee deflection to make it 2-zip. The goals kept coming until the half, when the DBs were sitting on a comfortable 5-0 lead and the ‘burgs bench couldn’t quite figure out their asses from their own elbows. A couple nasty ginos from a beautifully bearded Swede who surprisingly ISN’T Jofa, ‘Rowdy’ Rikard Ivner, had seemed to put the hambies away for good.

Then the beast awoke:

adam-liu

Pictured above: ‘The Beast’ Aaron Liu

A-Aron ‘I aaaain’t f*@kin’ with’ Liuuuuu, best known for his sssssick flow, decided to take it upon himself to make this showdown an actual game. Before long, he had all 4 goals for the ‘burglin’ bunch and things were getting tighter than Jim Dunn’s waistband. It was all for naught, however, as the game ended just as it began – with the Dirty Blues out of breath and the Hamburglars trying to make sense of it all.

WHO’S PSYCHED FOR BEIJING POND HOCKEY, BOYS!?!?!?! LET’S GOooooooooooooOOOOOOOOO!!!

Posted by aaron
SHC Christmas Extra!!!

SHC Christmas Extra!!!

Eh! Merry Christmas, ya friggen’ beauts!

The SHC has been active this holiday season, going out of its way to ensure all of its surplus beer somehow translated into holiday cheer. We had the Ugly Sweater Christmas Classic (USCC), a very special appearance by a Sober Santa Claus at the annual Xmas party, and somehow in between, the Waitans managed to send off some high-calibre beauts in true SHC style.

In the Christmas spirit of giving and holiday compassion, we’re also genuinely happy to report that the Hockey Hands crew has made some major headway in their volunteer program that involves many of our resident SHC legends – more on that shortly.

But first, we should share with you a submission that was made by the Feiyang zamboni driver. According to him, every year around this time, this poem (in its many iterations) is read aloud by the arena elders to help teach budding young hockey players about the true Christmas spirit:

Twas the night before Christmas,

And all through the rink:

Not a tap had hot water,

Not even the sink.

But in the darkness of the halls,

And much to our chagrin,

There lurked some Ruskies

Trying to steal our ice time again.

“Come, Igor,”

Said the KHLer,

“let us plan, and connive.

If we pull this off,

The SHC shan’t survive!”

But beneath the catacombs,

Where none dared to tread,

There lived an SHC legend

Or so it is said.

Someone so bitter,

That he had to remain,

Locked in the darkest cellar,

Adorned with crusty chains.

He spoke in short bursts,

And targeted most execs.

That he was in the SHC ‘first’,

He never let them forget.

But the legend was enraged,

You could tell by his patented scowl.

Through the dark halls he shuffled,

Wearing nothing but a towel.

That’s when the secretive Ruskies,

Caught completely unaware,

Overheard some salty complaints –

About how Christmas is unfair:

“Why do I work my ass off,

all through the year,

just to spend Christmas Eve,

Drinking piss-warm beer?

“Who’s the damn exec in charge!”

The visage howled with a sneer.

The Ruskies exchanged glances,

Shaking with fear.

“Who the hell are you!”

They queried,

“Is this some kind of fluke?”

“No, you idiots:

I’m Barry F@$%ing Duke!

Now, you’re gonna sit there,

And you’re gonna listen,

To every gripe, grumble and bellyache

That I can envision!”

As it turns out,

They wouldn’t dare.

Because listening to ol’ Duke,

Was their worst nightmare.

So then it was just BD,

Alone with his beer,

Doing his best to ingest,

Some holiday cheer.

And what happened then?

Well… in Shanghai they say,

Duke’s small heart

Grew three sizes that day!

So he jumped and cheered,

And ran through the halls,

Ready to spread the love –

Flip-flops, towel and all.

duke

“You know, sometimes he brings up some good points.”


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The Ugly Sweater Christmas Classic

The seasonal festivities kicked off some time in early December as SHC alumni gathered for the 4th annual USCC. Players on both sides were definitely feeling festive as the bottles of suds and an appropriately Christmas-coloured bottle of Jagermeister greased the wheels for some all-round good toimes. The breakaway competition resulted in an early Xmas gift of a half bottle for the loser, which had to be chugged as a penalty.

 

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Pictured above: Drunks on ice, the musical


The Annual SHC Christmas Party

One of our gracious sponsors, Cages, pulled out all the stops for us this year and hosted our Xmas party. It took a lot of hard work on behalf of the black franchise, but in the end it was a wonderful treat for those of us with families. Actually, word on the street was that many other organizations’ around town were Santa-less, and openly jealous of our long list of players who had the ideal body type for the role. Good, clean, family-friendly fun? SHC? Who’d’ve thunk it?

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“I’m only sober till 7pm, if you’re lucky. Better get ur pics fast, folks. Otherwise your lil’ angels are gonna wind up hearing all about my ex again.”


Hockey Hands Charity Work

Get a load of these beauts. The SHC is pleased to announce that the Hockey Hands group is making some great headway with their program designed to help orphans around Shanghai get involved in hockey. The project has been underway for over a year, with many key figures in the SHC stepping up big toime to volunteer their time and energy for this amazing cause. If you’re at all interested in helping out or volunteering your time and energy, get a hold of Cole Paterson or Mark Simon for more info.

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“More people should know about this”


The Waitans Send Off Wada

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Wada’s going away game was put on by the Waitans, and involved a bunch of Ice Cocks – both past and present. The Ice Cocks won 4-2 yet Wada scored all 6 goals….. he played half the game as a Cock and half as a Waitan. After the game, a video montage was put up on the scoreboard, highlighting Wada’s beauty plays over the years. Curiously, the other Waitans had no interst in watching the clips, or drinking the ice cold beers…

They all got dressed very quickly – even avoiding showers – because everyone knew where they were going, showers would be supplied. It was, after all, a Night Splash activity that was planned to close out the night. The ringleader for this jovial Japanese festivity was Shin, who hustled out of his gear in record time and got the waitans onto the perv-bus to the land of daubauchery. The Ice cocks hung out drinking all the beer that the waitans didn’t drink until 1am, probably listening to Duke talk about the good ol’ days up at Songjiang.

 

You stay beautiful, puck-heads! Have a great holiday from all of us here at the offices of the SHC, and Happy New Year – looking forward to seeing you all in 2017!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted by aaron
SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 8

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 8

Week 8: The Week of Delicious Auspiciousness

 auspicious

What is this thing, anyway? It looks like the lower back of every girl I met in college

Hot dang, folks! Week 8 was chock-full of lucky omens and kitschy goodness for the lucky puck-heads down at ol’ Frozen Feiyang Ice Skating Rink. With the ongoing war between the KHL and the SHC boys at a ceasefire for the foreseeable future, things were looking like they were all getting back to normal: the racks were back, the cases of beer were properly stacked, and Matt Whately – seemingly for any and every reason – was under attack. Ah yes, folks – normal. Even the regular mid-week shinny slots were back on schedule (much to the delight of our slightly out-of-shape, beer-league mouth-breathers).

auspicious-2

Noooo, no you go! *waves* Stay out there. I need another 30 seconds.


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Pictured above: The Ginger who Stole Christmas, buzzin’ some blades in the recently reclaimed exec room


But wouldn’t you know it, folks. Just when we thought this whole kerfuffle with the KHL was all over, it seems they had one last parting shot for us before they left town for good:

hotwater

Rink Worker #1: “Eh buddy, she’s gushin’ right good. Looks like some fella pooched the grinder by pourin’ a whole bunch of Borscht into the hot water mains.”

Rink Worker #2: “Oh F@$k Yah Bud, you’ll be takin’ cold showers for a few weeks yet. It’ll be good for ya though – look at me! I’ve never taken a hot shower in wintertoime my whole life, and I’m good to go, ya duster.”

Rink Worker #3: *looking up from toolkit* Yeah buddy, everybody knows hot showers in winter make ya sick, ya friggen’ beaut!”

SHC: “Where the hell did you guys learn to speak English?

Workers (All Together): “Frig off, ya friggen’ rook.”

There is a silver lining here, however. The maintenance staff have assured us that the hot water will be back within 2-3 weeks. So, factoring in the conversion rate between Chinese time estimates and Western interpretation of said estimates (i.e. reality), none of the SHC members should be coming down with a cold until at least the end of the season!

constanza

But enough said about that – here’s your friggen’ roundup:


Friday Night 

Friday night was a gosh darn barn burner, folks! Action in the A league hit a crescendo as four teams were jockeying for position at the midway point of the season. By the end of the night, 25 goals were on the scoresheets and 2500 fantastically fictitious fans were on the brink of an all out riot with all the excitement that was in the air.

Hamburglars 8 vs. Fog Devils 7

For this highly anticipated matchup, legions of phony followers poured into the simulated cheap seats to get a taste of some juicy mid-season goodness. And folks, they got their Monopoly money’s worth. This shot-for-shot turkey shoot had both teams reeling as each side’s top snipers racked up the body count of bar-down dingers all game long. For the Devlish Delights, Albert Hakunna-mattata-tov picked up a pair, with Ryan ‘Big Bird’ Baerg and Danny boy Guo following suit. The lone gunman for the Dev’s was Kita – the man who I am unashamedly afraid to nickname, even though he doesn’t speak a lick of English. On the ‘burgs’ side of the fence it was Adam ‘red light’ Liu who shouldered the load, picking up a hattie and four assists for 7 points on the night. His brother from the exact same mother, HAair-on Liu potted a pair and two helpers for 4 points of his own. Not to be dismissed, Ballsaack McTrickledick tagged up for 4 apples and a gino for a 5-point performance. Kompton Collings and Shailene Wooderson each added a snipe somewhere inbetween to help hold off a revamped and revitalized Cloggy Douchebag squad. It was the least Anderson could do, really, considering he took his mechanized pizza tossing to the next level.

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Anderson: “Cowabunga duuuuuuudes!”

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Pictured above: Fog Devils Forwards

When asked how it all went wrong, Doggy Kennel’s captain, Hans Solo, was visibly unnerved and declined to answer, just to WeChat us 5 minutes later with this coincidentally appropriate internet meme:

unlucky

The von Meister Family Motto

Beardogs 6 vs. Fever 4

The second game of the evening provided the illusory crowd with a similar level of gameplay and even some eyebrow-raising behaviour for what was originally billed as a laid-back beer league match. Maybe the players in this one thought the illusory fans were actual people who actually cared about the outcome of regular season SHC play? Who knows, folks, who knows. All we know for certain is that by the end of it players on both sides were in desperate need of a cold shower.

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Pictured above: J.P. Grimard after the game

(Editor’s Note: J.P.’s been taking cold showers since 1995 – it’s his secret to looking younger)

All in all there were 13 penalties between both teams, which is only cool if you consider the SHC fantasy-leaguer’s stats that were bolstered by the brutal affair. When the players actually did have their sticks on the ice, however, some beauty plays were made. ‘Top-cheesy’ Ruiz-y was solid gold out there, picking up a hattie and dishing out two helpers for 5 points for the Baredicks. Ryan ‘I Always Play Fair-isson’ sniped a couple for himself doing what he does best – creepin’ (in off the point). Michellin-man-cock Mischell McClocklin’ even found a way to lumber his giant package into the slot for a dandy dinger of his own. As for the Fetish-lovin’ Fever squad, Huge-Taloned Thalen ripped home a couple ginos, while Triple Lutz Custard banged one home. Maximillian WendoIgettoplayagin? Was good for a goal of his own before getting fed up and going home early.

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Pictured above: an irate Custard Pie, ‘spinning out’ after one of his teammates gets ejected from the game 


Saturday Night

Hamburglars 8 vs. Beardogs 6

Well, if the Hamburglars didn’t get an early Christmas gift Saturday night, then we ain’t named the Shanghai Folly Chub! By the halfway point of this game, the ‘burger boyz were up 6-1 and looking to take it easy in the second half. But, and this is a big but (huh huh), that’s when the Beardags‘ very own Swisher Sweethands, Patrik ‘No Autographs Please’ Ruiz decided to keep the puck to himself for a while. The score pretty much evened out after Boston Dan took off his knee brace and decided to give a much needed spark to his flea-ridden dog pack. That’s right, folks, it turned into another goddam football match (American football, ya friggen’ idiot) with both teams scoring at will.

aaron

Pictured above: A-Aron ‘Rock n’ Roll hoochie’ Liu decides to forego the usual tools of the trade in an attempt to make things fair

Not Pictured: Liu’s patented hybrid visor-cage

Speaking of the dominant Liu bros, or shall we say Super Stache Bros? A-aron ‘that hair suits you’ Liu took his turn at glory, racking up a triple-triple, for 6 points on the night. Big bro, Liu #2 potted a pair and three Apps for 5 points of his own. (Editor’s note: These kids are fantasy league GOLD I tells ya, GOOOOLD!) Franck le Beautiful Skanck picked up a smelly pair of pantyhose for himself while the hottest breakthrough player of the season, Flamin’ Shane Anderson, stepped in off the point for a gosh darn ugly one. We caught up to him during the intermission to ask him about his surprising offensive numbers this season.

SA: “I think it all started back during the fantasy league draft, to be honest. You know, when I was sitting there awkwardly and all my buddies’ eyes were pinballing away from me while they made their last round picks… that really hit home. I thought to myself, you know what, I’m going to make them regret this – it was the biggest chirp of all. Friggen’ Slaney got picked and he only plays once every 6 weeks for chrissakes! I knew I had to score at least more points than Pipski, and if I can do that, it’ll be a good season. Adam’s crushing it this season though, so there’s that.”    

fantasy

Pictured above: The fantasy league

Not pictured: Anderson

For the Beerdicks, Dan ‘Soul Patch’ Woahbeyotch was on fire himself, ripping home a hattie and two assists for 5 points. ‘Payin’ the Late Fees’ Ruiz, who has a habit of waking up in the second half, was good for one, but better for three helpers for 4 points on the night. Ryan ‘This ain’t a charity-son’ ripped home a goal and chalked up an assist. And Ol’ Fumey Humey capitalized on a beauty set up to round out the slug fest.

Gingerbeards 3 vs. Night Splash 2

In what was billed as the “Battle of the B League Basement” the SHC faithful were treated to an epic clash between the Gingerbeards and the knight splash in game two of the ‘Bottle Night Bash.’ It was a contest to see who could take the most shots without hitting the back of the net – The Gingerbeards lost.

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(Editor’s Note: BO sent me a box of 4oo fortune cookies this past weekend)

Ice Cocks 3 vs. the Chiefs 0

Ice Cocks beat the Chiefs 3-0 with 2 goals from Mark Cobbett and another by Tommy 中山. Majestic Midori had 2 assists while 2nd-year Ice Cock, Wada ‘Make my day’ Masakazu, had 1. It was Wada’s last game in the SHC as he has been recalled to Tokyo for  behaviour ‘not in synch with’ what his company’s code of conduct dictates: A minimum of 4 weekly visits to KTV. Bergman (on the Chiefs) also played his last game in the SHC, but sadly didn’t get any points.

 

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Wada Beauty!

Fever 7 vs. Fog Devils 5

After an eventful and disappointing 6-4 loss to the Barebottoms the night before, the Fever came into Saturday night’s tilt with the Fog Devils looking to end the first half of the season on a winning note. The Fever, who were missing 5 key forwards: ‘Mad, but working on mellowing out’ Max Wendelin, Brad ‘Da Beauty’ Newly, Mike ‘Mchustle Nuts’ Mckevitt, Jared ‘Fogle’ Scotchmer, and Jake ‘Locker room All-star’ Goodwin, had to get creative in filling out the lines, so they called up defensemen Matthew ‘Just Chap it in, Just Chaaaaaaap it in’ to play wing for the first time all season.

The move by wildly uncoordinated ‘General’ Custer could only be described as Babcock-esque as, after a slow start in which they were down 3-1, Chappers (4 assists) and the Fever responded. (Editor’s Note: The Leafs aren’t doing that well)

At the start, the Fever were led by, Hugo ‘Does it have Thalens?’, who almost single-handedly beat the Fog Devils. Huge-O scored the Fever’s first four goals, with his fourth knotting the score at 4 early in the second.

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Pictured above: The Fever’s top line

After a Fog Devils’ goal to make it 5-4, the Fever’s second line of Kevin ‘Hank’ Hill, The Clutz-ter and Mike ‘Cous-Cous’ Cousineau finally converted on one of their many chances to tie the game on a beauty of a goal. On the play, Cous-Cous faked out the entire arena with his wicked slap pass across the slot. Inspector Clouseau, who was also convinced Cous-Cous was shooting, somehow managed to get his stick out just in time to deflect the shot into the lower right-hand corner of the net past a completely befuddled goalie.

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“Sometoimes I solve deh chrimmmme by eh mistaaaahhhhke”

Honey nut Clusters added the game winning goal on the next shift on a shot from the top of the slot that benefited from great screens in front of the net by Cous-Cous and Hill. ‘Looks Great in Rayon,’ Graydon Tullis added an insurance goal to ice the game for the Fever.

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Directly Above: Custer’s patented follow-through

Other noteworthy tidbits from the game include Heinz ‘Marxist-gout’ not taking any penalties, and Marxgut along with Martin ‘Skarin is carin’ and Brian ‘Vapin’ while poopin’ hard’ Pippard playing a great game on D for the Fever. One would think that after scoring 4 goals that Huge-O would have been the Fever’s game MVP, but, in a shocking post-game twist, Graydon ‘Durex’ Tullis took home the honors by supplying the team with celebratory post-game eggnog topped off with freshly grated nutmeg (see below). Merry Christmas!

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(Editor’s Note: I hope that clicking on the gif below makes it work, I don’t know what the Hell I’m doing)

aaron-liu

 

Posted by aaron
SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 7

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 7

The Skinny:

Welcome back, folks! Week 7 was one heck of a doozie for the SHC community: we drank a lot of American Beer, stole a bunch of Russian pro’s gear, and – in a move that surprised everyone – even managed to spread a loving dose of family-friendly Christmas cheer. Needless to say, the phones have been ringing off the hook down here at the offices of the SHC with reports on all of the hockey-related goodness that’s been goin’ on around Shanghai.

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Pictured above: the offices of the SHC (Barry Roe’s guest bathroom)

Not pictured: Exec team litter boxes

Admittedly, the most buzz surrounded the SHC’s most eagerly anticipated event of the season, the arrival of NHL superstars Pavel ‘Make Dat bootie go Clap-syuk’ and Ilya Koval-chuk-Ah ‘Ooga Ooga Ooga-Ah chuck-ah’ (Blue Suede, ya friggen’ beaut!). Much to our surprise, news came down the grapevine at the beginning of the week that the SHC would be given a windfall of 50 free tickets to the star-studded match. Sources say this move was intended to serve as an olive branch to signal the end of the ongoing Battle Royale taking place between the KHL execs and our very own J.P. ‘Grim Reaper’ Grimard, Jimmy ‘The Body’ Scotti, and Kevin ‘Teenie Weenie’ Martini.

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‘some people resent their nicknames, others embrace them. Then there are those among us who literally own them. Congrats on the new franchise, Martini! Shanghai’s only red-headed stepchild, one-stop ginger shop!

Unfortunately, SHC team members: Matt ‘I need to get back into Shape-ly’, Barry ‘I just got KO’d’ Roe, Shane ‘not my face, that’s my meal ticket’ Anderson, and Cole ‘I’ve discovered other, more spiritual, avenues of conflict resolution’ Paterson were all eliminated early on in the Exec-on-exec-team brawl.

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Pictured above: Coley P – eschewing all forms of violence, and sleeves

Luckily for our SHC community, the savagery came to a standstill as Scotti ‘Too Hottie’ single-handedly chased the rest of the Ruskies out of the rink sometime after the 36th hour.

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 ‘that’s my secret, Cap – I’m always wearing bike shorts’

But enough about our problems. Here’s your roundup:

Monday Night (28th Nov.)

Ice Cocks 2 vs. Gingerbeards 5

Gingers Rejoice! After celebrating the opening of Kevin Martini’s newest store, the Gbeards racked up another W last night, kicking down the henhouse doors and stealing the rooster’s eggs (Editor’s note: Roosters don’t lay eggs – BO’s basic understanding of biology never ceases to amaze). It started early when one of the notorious “potbelly D” on the beards, none other than “Dennis the Menace” Larcombe, slammed in a greasy clauper* from the blue line early in the first.

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*A subsidiary of Teenie Weenie inc.

That was followed up by 3 more unanswered points from ‘Frenchie’ Magnon, the “Boomtown Rat” Trevor “Boomie” Lai, and Jim “I will choke you with my arm sling” Scottie. A special shout out to cocks goalie, Chris ‘Cock Blocker’ Purnell for his dandy dish in front of his own net that allowed Scootylicious to put the biscuit top shelf, where Ol’ farmer Duke keeps the corn feed… and his copious supply of salt.

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Pictured above: Barry Duke

The Ice cocks pecked away throughout the game trying to find the back of the Chicken coop unsuccessfully until about halfway through the second when Mark ‘I say, I say, Boy… Fog Horn Leg Horn’ Cobbett potted two in a row in in an attempt to keep the cocks from ending up as “rotisserie grillers” at Boston Market. Alas, it was not to be as the as the Beards’ ‘little Napoleon’ Magnon cracked one in off the post with a few minutes to spare, sending the cocks off to the butchers (editor’s note: the picture BO sent for ‘cocks + butcher’ was definitely NSFW).

Lowered Expectations 2 vs. Night Splash 1 [s/0]

This game marked the second time this year the ever-so-glorious Beauties in black squared off against their ‘little brother’ yellow nemesis’s. Since the LowEx squad were on the receiving end of a total ass kicking during their first match against the Night Splash, fans were expecting a regrouped and hungry team; however, the reality was absolutely different.

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“C’mon guys! Somebody has to get on the ice to take the faceoff. C’mooooooonn! 

That’s right, folks: the LowExers were taking it pretty hard and heavy all night long! It was like a race between Dennis Larcrombe and Usain Bolt, and we can all imagine what that looks like. Right from the puck drop, it was wave after yellow wave crashing into the LoEx’s zone, with their top line of, Matt ‘don’t berate me’ Whately, Jay-league McKelvey and Yota ‘the Scrotum’ Tanabe making the LowEx players look like fools in their own zone. It seemed like fathers against sons out there, for crying out loud.

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If there were ever a photo that perfectly captured the sentiment of ‘Lowered Expectations’, this is it

However, as fate is a fickle bitch, LowExer’s got on the board first when Billy ‘shortbus’ Longstreet batted one in. After that, the Splash showed no mercy and rallied by keeping the puck deep in the LowExer’s zone for what seemed to be an eternity. Only some good puck-luck and 5 black jerseys in front of the net kept game 1-0 until 5 minutes before the end, when a sloppy play allowed ‘Righty-Tighty’ Tanabe to score the equalizer. The rest of the game-plan for the LowExer’s was basically “ice the fawkin’ puck”, which was really all they could do.

Nothing major happened in OT, so it was shootout time. The Night Splash lined up with their best of the best; however, their poor performance and the LowExer’s ‘X-Marks-the-Spot’ Qin’s soft hands made the game 2-1 for the Lowered Expectations. Both teams want to forget about this one as fast as possible folks, but first, something you’ll never forget:

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“When you hold meeeeee, in your arms so tight you let me knowwwww everything’s all right”

Tuesday Night (29th Nov.)

Chiefs 3 vs. Night Splash 1

Tuesday night started with some fairly straightforward line shuffling as the Bergie (that was suspended for punching a guy) showed up late, while the Bergie (that didnt punch the guy) made it just in time. The decision was made by the Wuggi to have the Bergie (that didnt punch the guy) and the Eddie to form a Wuggi-Bergie-Eddie line until the Bergie (that Punched the guy) could join the usual Wuggi-Bergie-Bergie line… minus the Eddie. But! Before the Eddie departed the Bergie and the Wuggi, he fed the Wuggi-monster, who deked the goalie for a sick snipe. Still with us? The Wuggi then joined forces with the Bergie and the Bergie, to fight off the Suzuki, the Usami and the Nakatake, scoring another two beauties in the process. Great D from the Mushy and the Seavy kept the McKelvy and the Whatley from getting too giggley.

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Pictured above: ‘The Bushy’

Ice Cocks 1 vs. Lowered Expectations 0

In this snusfest (huhuh, see what I did there!) we saw two teams go at each other in what was objectively a boring affair. The real action happened in the scorekeeper’s box, where a drunken Wookie Wugz couldn’t help but chirp over the microphone while gameplay was still pretty tight. Reports suggest that it’s possible that Oogie Boogie Wuggi was a bit lit up at the time, and there’s plenty of evidence to support that claim:

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Pictured above: Datsyuk’s gear stall. Keen observers will note he has two of everything

Pictured below: An SHC ‘beauty kit’, you’ll also see two of everything that matters

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As expected, one of the Lowered Expectation beauties (also possibly whilst wrecked) approached the box at the end of the game to engage in a gentlemanly discourse with the offending parties. In the end nobody got hurt; snus pucks were exchanged, and we’re all still one big happy – albeit ugly – family.

Friday Night (2nd Dec.)

Fever 5 vs. Fog Devils 3

Friday night started with an entertaining affair featuring two teams hungry for a win and looking to prove themselves. The Fever, after a strong start to the season, decided to take a two-game nap and were looking to get back on track. The Fog Devils, on the other hand, who have now safely secured the first pick in the mid-season draft, decided it was finally a safe time to bring a full team to the game and attempt to break out of their season long slumber.

The first half was a back and forth affair with both goalies (Wayne Brettzky and Barry Shotz) making big saves for each team. It was the Fever that got on the scoreboard first as ‘Mad’ Max Wendelin scored on a slick backhand goal. Later in the frame, ‘Captain’ Custer added to the Fever lead as he and Kevin Hill found themselves on a 2-on-0 inside the hash marks. As is SHC policy, one of the generous Devil defenders was given an assist for tossing up a pizza.

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“Pizzzzzaaahhhhhhh”

However, after going down 2-0 the Fog devils showed great heart and battled back as Danny “Yes, I am still in the league” Guo made a great play to Kita who finished with a beauty of a clauper from the top of the slot. Not be outdone, Brian “back the size of Baltimore” Pippard responded with a top cheddar slap shot of his own from the point to reestablish the Fever’s two goal lead.

The second half featured more of the same as the teams exchanged goals and scoring opportunities. First, Frank ‘Ze Tank’ Schmidt blasted one home for the Fog Devils from the slot. The fever answered when Mike “McHustlenuts” Mckevett earned a well-deserved goal, banging in a rebound off a Kevin “Best referee in the League” Hill shot. Shortly thereafter, the slimmer looking Jared “Jenny Craig” Kubas made the score 4-3 with a slapper of his own from the left the circle.

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“You guys are just sayin’ that cuz you have to”

“Noooo, no, Kubie! You look great, man.”

“Yeah, buddy – whatever you’re doing, it’s working”

“Ohhhhhh I love you guys. Bestieeees with Testeeeees!”

The game remained 4-3 going into the final two minutes with the fog devils applying constant pressure. But alas, it was all for naught, as ‘Mad’ Max Wendelin ended the game the way he started it, with a goal (empty netter) to ice the win for the Fever.

Hamburglars 1 vs. Dirty Blues 5

After the Fever’s win, it seemed like just another Saturday night at the rink, and everything was looking up for the Hamburglars. Jovial laughter abounded in the locker room, and there was nary a worry in the world. Hamburglars’ 17-year-old Chinese-speaking forward, Joey Goo was even happily conveying his excitement at having met Pavel Datsyuk through pure mime and charades!

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“I hed Two jocks in zat stall. Vhy are you vearing one?”

*shakes head nervously*

“Nyet! I can zee the bulge in your pants!” 

*looks down confused…. then smiles awkwardly*

Then something unexpected happened…

Barnaby: “hey, does anybody else smell barbeque sauce?”

Liu #1: “Yeah, yeah I think I do”

Antti: “Oh no…Oh God no! …that means…”

…Baritone laughter from somewhere in the distance shook the room, and an impossibly loud “Oh FAWWWK YAH BUD!” echoed down the hallway, breaking everyone’s concentration. Everybody in the league knew what that laughter meant; it heralded the arrival of  none other than ‘Dimebag’ Darryl Slaney, who was ready to return to the SHC lineup just in time to slather up some baby back passes and tee up some whoppers from the slot for his second game (and multi-point night) of the season.

Initial rumours suggested that the infamously illiterate ‘in-Slane in the membrane’ only showed up because he misread the schedule and thought there would be free hamburgers. Alas, it was to the Hamburglars’ demise as he took a huge bite out of their confidence before the game even began.

Gameplay got off to a quick start as both sides took turns putting on the pressure in what was initially a hockey game worth watching. It wasn’t long, however, before fate took its course and Hambies’ defender Kemp ‘why are you making me play defence?’ Collings took a puck in the mouth and had to leave the game for some zips.

An onlooking Slaney, who by this point was jealous because he was just fawken starvin’, turned up the grill and fed the tremendous tandem of ‘the silent J’s’, Jofa and Jan, who got to work on the hapless hambies’ defensive core. It all started when Jofa ‘inside, outside, all around the town-side’ Natour put on a goddam clinic, deking the jock off of some anonymous defenceman before effortlessly sniping a top corner finish on a bedazzled Barry ‘I’m gonna stay low’ Roe. Honestly folks, if you’ve ever played NHL 97 with a goalie whose rating was 32/100, you’d know exactly why Jofa was laughing his way all the way to the bench.

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“Ja Ja Ja, it was easier than scoring goals in my childhood, when all we had were pucks of snus and wild sheep for goalies, Ja Ja Ja”

The tide seemed to turn in the second half as perpetual shoulder magnet, Isaac ‘McBodycheck’ did what he does best: draw penalties using his face. “But sweet Jesus, what a match!” Is what you would’ve said if the ‘Burglin’ buds could’ve capitalized on just one of their 5 PP opportunities in this gongshow of a match-up. It just wasn’t meant to be. But hey, at least Barry and Brett played sick when they were in the Dirty Snus’ end of the ice.

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Pictured above: Brett Syer 

Posted by aaron
SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 6

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 6

Week 6: Intrigue Behind the Scenes with the KHL!

Sufferin’ Succotash, folks! With all the rescheduling and strong-arming by the KHL Executive goon-squad, it’s kind of hard to tell where ‘Week 5’ ended and ‘Week 6’ began. Many sources have reported that a major breakdown in communications happened when the KHL management team noticed that Kevin ‘Gin Blossom’ Martini had cut off his mullet, a heavily favoured and prevalent symbol of virility and business acumen in Russian culture. Needless to say, as a result it’s been a tough week of negotiations with our new KHL landlords.

SHC Exec

“Brother! Every time we think we’ve got this ssssufferin’ schedule fixed…”

sylvester

KHL Exec

*Haughty Laughter* “Ah yes, comrade, halp me light these expeseeve cigar. Tell me, Igor, Iz there anything better than deciding vhere and vhen ve can play profahsional hockey, at the drop of a hat?” *Haughty Laughter* 

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The Skinny:

Although lines of communication appear to be stable for the time being, it took a lot to re-convince the KHL exec that our mullet-less SHC fun-boys were in fact ‘men’ worth talking to. The two sides sat down for a meeting on Wednesday night to suss it out. It didn’t help matters that Matt ‘Why does everyone hate me?’ Whatley and ‘Sugar Shanerz’ Anderson were reportedly bickering over who was better at Candy Crush.

The breakthrough happened when SHC resident beauty, Cole Paterson put forward the idea for a 7-on-7 exec squad brawl. The idea was that both exec teams would fight it out to see who would own the rink – once and for all.

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Pictured above: An actual thing that actually exists

The proposal was apparently well-received until the KHLers suggested the brawl be ‘Russian Style’, which, if you’re unaware, is exactly what it sounds like: a shirtless melee while wrecked on a twixer of Smirnoff, immediately after eating a pound of pickled Vobla as fast as possible.

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Pictured above: ‘Russian Style’

Mostly everyone in the room was reportedly in favour of the agreement until Barry ‘Doe-eyed’ Roe’s crippling body image issues forced the SHC boys to back down at the last minute. We caught up with him later for a comment: “Okay, everybody knows I never change out of my jammies after we play, so none of this should come as a surprise to anyone. Plus, my suggestion of playing a team round of Tetris to determine the outcome wasn’t taken nearly as seriously as it should’ve been. Besides, I’m allergic to fish.”

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“So then I says, I goes, ‘Hey, what gives! I grew up hockey fightin’. If I can’t jersey a guy, I’m useless anyways, ya know?”
“Okay, so that’s when you suggested Tetris?”

“Oh you betcha, bud! That’s the only other thing I grew up doin’… We had a lotta snow days where I’m from, ya know?”

Rest assured, we’ll be giving you the latest as the situation develops. For now, here’s your roundup:

Friday Night

Lowered Expectations 4 vs. Chiefs 1

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‘The ‘Vape-bandit’ Briandet, out of breath on the back-check

The ‘Friday Night Lights’ were turned up to blinding intensity at the Feiyang Beer League Mecca on Friday night (Of course we mean that entirely figuratively, most nights we’re lucky if they turn on half the lights, let alone flood the ice). The evening opened with Lowered Expectations finally getting a chance to play somebody else other than the Tinder-weirds, which clearly gave the black squad a much needed boost. The boys in blue were missing their top scorer Aaron Bergman, and were woefully one stride behind throughout the game. Regardless, it goes without saying that hot guns like Leon “ Wuggi “ Li and Captain Fitz Desmet caused occasional trouble in Black’s defensive zone; however, with tallies from Billabong Street, Tony Soprano, Simon Garfunkulus, and Harvey Birdman, by the end it was pretty clear who would be enjoying the cool, clean, crisp taste of free Bud after the game.

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Fitzy, doing what he does best – gettin’ low down on that flo

After the 50-minute beatdown by the bastardly black beauties, the scoreboard displayed a 4-1 victory for the Lowered Expectations. Official post-game interviews on CCTV5 showed a relaxed and confident bunch of Low Exers, many of whom were just happy to have survived another hard but clean battle without any further injuries. Rumours circulating after the game suggested that Chiefs player, ‘Rowdy Robbie Peeper’, somehow managed to shotgun three aluminum bottles of Bud before punching a hole in the wall. It should be noted, however, that nobody could verify the whispers as the entire Chiefs squad had relocated to Suzuki’s favorite KTV in the Japanese quarter of Shanghai for a team discussion and couple of oldies from Pat Boone.

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 A curiously tame Billy ‘shortbus’ Longstreet watches the play unfold, like the gentleman scholar he has become

Gingerbeards 3 vs. Night Splash 2

The Gingerbeards and Splashers went head-to-head on Friday night in a tight battle of checking and puck luck. As most members of the Gingerbeards are in fact suffering from every degenerative eyesight disorder known to man, the details that came in were a bit sketchy, to say the least. Captain ‘Braveheart’ Brian Olrich had this to say: “Well, ya know. We went out there and gave it our all, so, you know, we didn’t leave anything out there on the ice. I mean, Yeah, We brought it all out there. And then we… spent it up and… whatever Anderson just write the stupid thing and make it sound friggen’… schooly and wordsy. Stop Wechatting me, I’m trying to eat dinner and the wife thinks you’re another woman, which you basically are. Go to Hell.”

Marty McSorepinky of the Fingerbarbs was good for a pair on the night, while Kevin ‘Sweety’ Martini drove the dagger home late with a clapper from  hell. “Yeah that was me,” he commented. “I just did what I do best and closed my eyes and let the ol’ stick do the work. You young guys are idiots for skating around so much. Just shoot the damn thing! It works for me!”

Apparently, Angel ‘Fine I’ll do it myself’ Wang potted a pair for herself with some help from Jay-Jay McLovin’ for the Splash nation.

Saturday Night

 The Hamburglars 6 vs. Binqiu Beardogs 3

In what was expected to be a repeat of last weekend’s matchup, when the Beardogs handily defeated the ‘burglin’ bunch (go read the roundup, you friggen’ beauty), the max capacity crowd was delightfully surprised to witness a textbook display of retribution.

Early play was fast-paced and packed with crisp passes at both ends of the ice. Especially in the Hamburglars end, where Shane ‘The Humanitarian’ Anderson decided to get into the holiday spirit a bit early, sending over a perfectly placed puck to opposing player, Thomas ‘the Tank Engine’ Yulzari, who was standing all alone in the slot. In a post-game interview, Yulzari had this to say: “I… couldn’t believe it. I’m not used to getting passes that nice, even from my own teammates. The only thing that ruined it was somebody yelling ‘PIZZAAAHHH’ right as I sniped top cheddar.”

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Actual still shot from the game. Pictured above: Anderson after his atrocious giveaway. Definitely not coach Bombay

Luckily for the ‘burglin’ bros, twin beauts Adam and A-Aron Liu dismantled the play in the neutral zone and turned the game into an absurd number of odd-man rushes, sparking a pattern that would keep the Beardogs on their haunches for the rest of the game. Each of the Liu’s skated away with a pair of goals. ‘The ShawFranck Redemption’ and Isaac McTrickledick also potted one each. Handy Anderson also walked away with an assist on the scoresheet, even though he didn’t assist on any of his own team’s goals…

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Team Iceland from D2: The Mighty Ducks? No. That’s Aaron Liu right there in the middle, you friggen’ beaut

There might have been a chance for the Binqiu Bastards to turn the tide late in the game, but most players were just too exhausted. You see, before the game – in a ‘This is China’ moment – a section of glass shattered when Adam ‘you’re my boy, Liu’ skated as hard as he could at the boards before he realized he didn’t know how to stop. Then, to make matters worse, a replacement pane exploded when Popeye Pipski decided he would lend his strength to the struggling rink crew by deadlifting the entire rear section of the end boards. Regardless, Binqiu beauties Dan ‘YOLO’ Wolo and Franklin D. Frankincense had enough left in the tank to snipe one each.

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Luis Mendoza from D2: The Mighty Ducks? Wrong again, idiot. That’s Adam Liu. Crashing into the goddam glass

 

The Dirty Blues 1 vs. Binqiu Beardogs 0

Jofa scored one and everybody else got a bunch of penalties. Everybody else was too focused on the Bud. Larcombe was the real hero.

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“There’s a game going on? Screw it – it took too long to replace the glass”

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Pictured above: Dennis “Large One” Larcombe. Always smiling’ for reasons we hope his nickname has made abundantly clear

The Hamburglars 8 vs. Fever 1

In the final game of the evening, both sides had a lot to prove. The Fever were out to prove last week’s loss in regulation against the Bearpups was a fluke, while the hard workin’ Hamburglars were out to prove they don’t mind being taken too lightly. Lo and behold, the Liu tandem turned up the heat and wound up proving more than anybody else – they combined for 11 points in the game (7 ginos and 4 apples).

Stalwart defensive performances from ‘Stonewall’ Jackson and Kemp ‘Straight outta Compton’ Collins helped smack down a talented, aggressive, and offensively-minded top line of Brad ‘Da Beauty’ Newly, ‘Mad’ Max Wendelin, and Hugo ‘Chavez’ Thalen. ‘The Humanitarian’ Anderson was at it once again, generously misplaying the one-on-one between him and opposing D-man ‘Soda PoPipski’. After Peppermint Pipsy struck gold in the five-hole, he gave a quick interview during the commercial break: “yeah, you know *pulls a thick rip on his vape* I wasn’t sure what he was doing out there, but eh, I deked him right out and that’s embarrassing for him. He’ll be livin’ that down for weeks. We were shorthanded, too – hahahaha. It’s okay though. Shaner doesn’t get mad at me for anything I do. Not a single thing.”

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Pictured above: Brian PoPipski. We have photoshopped his vape device with a soda bottle because ‘Jurassic Vape’ declined our deal to sponsor the league.

The game continued to trudge onward as both sides started taking a few liberties, and huge hits! That’s right, folks – Old Time Hockey (OFYB). Luckily for the ‘burglin’ beauts, Pipski’s arms were too tired by the end of the game to continue pummeling the ‘burlars’ 16-year-old Chinese kid who had to learn a few lessons about heads-up hockey the hard way.

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“Ni Gan Ma? Wei Shenme?”

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Post game Bevvviesssss

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted by aaron
SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 5

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 5

Week 5

SCANDAL-NAVIA!

It’s been a long week down here at the offices of the SHC (i.e., Barry Roe’s guest bathroom). And folks, you wouldn’t believe the amount of PR fallout we’ve been dealing with since the newest SHC scandal rocked us on Friday night!

THE SKINNY

The eyewitness testimonies are still rolling in, but early reports suggest that one of our very own SHC members, possibly while drunk on the new shipment of Budweiser, challenged a few members of the Kunlun Redstar KHL club to a “Finnish Fight.” Now, we aren’t exactly sure what constitutes a ‘Finnish Fight’, but rumour has it that it’s pretty much a UFC bout, just using the Zamboni snow dump area instead of a cage.

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Put both your haand on the cart and push, Whatley. No wooonder I looks like I’m at the wet Tee-shirt competeeshion. Ja Ja Ja!

Regardless, as you all know: we here at the SHC condone fisticuffs of any kind. But the Finn in our corner, who shall remain nameless, apparently had something to prove. As a result, our benevolent overlords at the KHL have put a blanket ban on all SHC members from coming anywhere within 100 meters of Ol’ Finn-tastic Feiyang any time the Redstars are playing a game.

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Oh look, are those the Redstar Players? Let’s Finnish up, drink for a bit, and go visit them! 

Admittedly, the incident caught a lot of the SHC North American onlookers off guard. The Swedes, Czechs, Finns, and Russians among us, on the other hand, simply shrugged it off as commonplace.

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“Vat do you vant, Albert? I told you I’m tryeeng to vork here.”
“Vat!? Finnish Fight? Vhere ees it? I come at Intermeesion”

As a result, regularly scheduled games were carelessly spread across the week – much in the same way a reckless, drunken Finn carelessly spreads his stomach contents across the gutters of Shanghai.

 

Beardogs 5 vs. Fever 1 (Tuesday)

Whoooo Gosh DANG! It took a few weeks for it to happen, folks, but the ‘Ol’ Yeller with a Fever’ squad finally got put out of its misery. (in regulation this time!) The last time these two teams met, it was the classic A Tale of Two Cities scenario, but instead of a beautiful story featuring masterful metaphor and Dickensian eloquence, it was more of a bush-league debacle featuring a lousy bunch of dicks.

You see, a few weeks back the Swedish Berry-dogs let the first game slip away to a cunning group of cherry-picking forwards. This time around, however, the Baredicks decided to slap on the protection, restricting the ‘Fevered Plebes’ to fewer than 10 shots on the night.

Game highlights included solid performances from stolid blue-liners, J.P. ‘My GRIM-shake brings all the boys to the yARD’ and ‘Dirty’ Harry-son, who were resolute to haul down any filthy dusters who stepped over the line. Equally stingy partners, ‘Disheveled’ Neville Hemming and Matt ‘da Gat’ Hume, back stopped a group of forwards who played aggressively at both ends of the ice.

On the offensive side of the fence, the perpetually potent Patrik started the night early, arousing the fresh crowd of all-female SHC (Patrik?) followers with his silky display of passing. On one play in particular, he passed the puck to all 4 players on his line before burying it in the net – which gave the multitudes of puck bunnies something to instagram about.

Jeff MacDonald, somewhat aggravated by the bevy of beauties watching Ruiz, did his best to switch up the focus, scoring twice to lead the Beardogs offensive charge. The first, a sweet tip (just the tip) off a Harrison cannon from the point, made it 2-0. The 2nd came off the ensuing draw, as he intercepted a D to D pass (and we use the term ‘D to D’ loosely, we’re just being nice to a plastered Pipski, who was probably seeing double at this point) and went in alone, turning a 1-0 nail-biter into 3-0 lead in a matter of 10 seconds. Other tallies included Alan ‘Frankincense’ lighting the scented lamp on a nifty backhand, and Harri-Potter’s-son tucking a gem away into the top corner late in the game.

Like the Zika carrying mosquitoes that emblazon their chests, there was a lot of toxic buzzing coming from the boys in yellow.   Overheard after the game: “if the refs called every little thing they whined about, there wouldn’t be anyone left on the ice, and they were the dirtier team!”

All in all, a dominant raw-dog performance for the baredicks.

 

Night Splash 5 vs. Lowered Expectations -2 (Friday)

 Lo, ye have heard of Him;

Yea, He walks in the valley of the shadow of pink trim.

Forevermore known as He who sees your sin,

Yet it is He who speaks of it not.

As it is He who leads you to the den of temptation,

And He who picks up the tab —

–Suzuki, the Beauty.

 

Friday night was indeed a night of legendary scripture. Such a performance as hasn’t been seen in the SHC in its 10-year tenure here in Shanghai. Some speak of miracles – others of luck. Some even accuse Night Splash captain, Sochiro Suzuki, of making a deal with the devil just to suddenly acquire the flowing gait and hypnotizing poise that he possessed for just this one fabled evening at Feiyang Skating Arena.

He didn’t score any points, of course, but Suzuki needn’t do such a thing. His very presence on the ice, swirling majestically, carving unexpectedly, flailing about gracefully, was enough to entrance the enraptured crowds of obedient onlookers. His performance was valuable, nay, integral… in boosting his ‘cult of the Night’ Splashers to victory.

YODA, one of the pink-trimmed faithful, scored twice in the Faustian affair, enticing Angel-ina ‘Goal-for-me’, who assisted on two of her own before finding the twine for herself. Jay McKelvey, entranced by the sweet sweet Suzuki siren song couldn’t help but dangle his way in for one of his own, a sweet homage to his newest infatuation – his newest addiction. And the nubile Matt Whately, the innocent choir-boy the SHC holds so dear, he too fell victim to the Suzuki song, scoring one of his own and adding a helper in a fit of Suzuki-induced ecstasy.

 

Dirty Blues 4 vs. Fog Devils 2 (Monday)

 Everybody hates Mondays, especially the Fog Devils. The DBs showed some great teamwork against the strugglin’ for some lovin’ boys in red. All things being fair, it should be pointed out to all you haters in the SHC that although the FDs may have had a rough start to the season, one needs to be aware of their deadly potential. Led by the heroic Hansel (so hot right now) they are definitely a tough team to beat. The DBs, who were without some key beauties once again, posted some strong D and squeaked out a close win. Foggy D-lights had a sick snipe from Albert ‘I’ll bring your Snus this weekend’ Radulov and another from… number…12.. I guess? The Dirty Baaaatch snipers of this game were Harri Carri, Dr. Hide and Seek, David Dunkin’ Donuts, and Ricardo ‘what an odd name for a’ Swede. DB Captain Jansel (so hot right now) is more than happy to report that anyone on his team can snipe. He had this to say after the game:

“OH Fawk YAH, AndddyYYYY! We’re gonna have a full squad of beauties on Dis weekend, You know! Unh? All of us! Just for dose Fawking Fever bastards and Bastard BEARdogs! EH, why aren’t YOU DRINKING!?”

“Because it’s Monday, Jan…”

“AhhhhhHHHHhhhh WhhhAAAAT!”

No word yet on whether Jan’s open challenge to Fever’s Captain Custer for a “Finnish Fight” has been accepted.

 

 LE 4 vs. The Ginger Beards 3 (Tuesday)

In their third matchup of the season the LEx squad and the Ginger stepchildren went head to head on Tuesday night. Ironically, the atmosphere and weather conditions inside the notoriously erratic Feiyang skating rink made it the best place in Shanghai to be for this classic rivalry. Both squads were missing some key players, but that didn’t stop either team from offering a circus of enjoyment for the legions of brave Tuesday-night spectators.

The Grandfather clocks where missing their Captain, BO ‘it’s not just a clever nickname’, who apparently donated his cojones to this wife and stayed at home in the kitcen in order to get the basting just right for his roast turkey this special Thursday. Some whispers were heard in Gingers fan zone that the team might actually play a lot better since BO wasn’t around stinkin’ the place up. Regardless, the Ginger bingers battled hard and smashed out a good back-and-forth, which is to be expected after last week’s thrashing at the hands of Hellenius’ hellions.

The Gingerbeards’ first-round-overall pick, Marty McSore Pinky, scored all his team’s goals. As for the LEx Luthors, four different players, including Steve ‘it’s not a shart’ Lockhart, got their name onto the poorly filled scoresheet. Shortly after the game it was obvious that these two teams need to take a break from each other and play against somebody else for once.

 

Ice Cocks 7 vs. Chiefs 2 (Friday)

On Friday, the Ice Cocks hammered the Chiefs in a landslide election victory. The Chiefs were missing a bunch of beauts, and it was a pretty one-sided affair, much like the actual election. Apparently, Fitzy was all sulky afterward, which was a bit of a buzz-kill on the ride home. Cock Cap’n BD had this to say:

“Get over it, you bleedin’ heart Liberal Demo-slut! Slobby Cobbett got a whole bunch of goals and the Cock defence was aight. No need to gloat, Fitz, but you lost. You got small hands, and you lost. We’re gonna make the SHC great gain – Tremendous. Believe me.”

 

Ice Cocks 3 vs. Night Splash 0 (Monday)

OMG. Remember last night when like, the Ice Cocks played the Night splash and the Ice Cocks like toooootally dominated them?! This happened IRL, you dirty batches, lol! But goalies Karl and Anton were like… either really good or like really large all the time or something, and it was like literally so super hard to score. But Wada was like, “oh look at me, I’m a super ninja guy,” in front of the net – or whatever – totally whacking in a one-timer. It was SOOOOO cool. I KNOW – OH Shut UP you SLORE!

Then it was like back and forrrrth and the Ice Cocks had like, all these shots and that super cute guy, Tommy, missed the net by literally 5cm like A THOUSAND TIMES, and the Night Splash had these giant heads from beating Peter’s team on the weekend, so they were all like waiting for Angel to set them up all night, but she was like, “whatever, I cant do everything, you lazy slllllores!”

I totally think the Ice Cocks got 2 ginos or whatever from their defencemen because the forwards were like SO useless at scoring. Then afterward, wow, there was this big problem because Suzuki forgot to get beer and everybody was swearing in Japanese and stuff, except at Angel because she’s like literally Chinese and doesn’t swear.

 

Posted by aaron