The Skinny:
Welcome back, folks! Week 7 was one heck of a doozie for the SHC community: we drank a lot of American Beer, stole a bunch of Russian pro’s gear, and – in a move that surprised everyone – even managed to spread a loving dose of family-friendly Christmas cheer. Needless to say, the phones have been ringing off the hook down here at the offices of the SHC with reports on all of the hockey-related goodness that’s been goin’ on around Shanghai.
Pictured above: the offices of the SHC (Barry Roe’s guest bathroom)
Not pictured: Exec team litter boxes
Admittedly, the most buzz surrounded the SHC’s most eagerly anticipated event of the season, the arrival of NHL superstars Pavel ‘Make Dat bootie go Clap-syuk’ and Ilya Koval-chuk-Ah ‘Ooga Ooga Ooga-Ah chuck-ah’ (Blue Suede, ya friggen’ beaut!). Much to our surprise, news came down the grapevine at the beginning of the week that the SHC would be given a windfall of 50 free tickets to the star-studded match. Sources say this move was intended to serve as an olive branch to signal the end of the ongoing Battle Royale taking place between the KHL execs and our very own J.P. ‘Grim Reaper’ Grimard, Jimmy ‘The Body’ Scotti, and Kevin ‘Teenie Weenie’ Martini.
‘some people resent their nicknames, others embrace them. Then there are those among us who literally own them. Congrats on the new franchise, Martini! Shanghai’s only red-headed stepchild, one-stop ginger shop!’
Unfortunately, SHC team members: Matt ‘I need to get back into Shape-ly’, Barry ‘I just got KO’d’ Roe, Shane ‘not my face, that’s my meal ticket’ Anderson, and Cole ‘I’ve discovered other, more spiritual, avenues of conflict resolution’ Paterson were all eliminated early on in the Exec-on-exec-team brawl.
Pictured above: Coley P – eschewing all forms of violence, and sleeves
Luckily for our SHC community, the savagery came to a standstill as Scotti ‘Too Hottie’ single-handedly chased the rest of the Ruskies out of the rink sometime after the 36th hour.
‘that’s my secret, Cap – I’m always wearing bike shorts’
But enough about our problems. Here’s your roundup:
Monday Night (28th Nov.)
Ice Cocks 2 vs. Gingerbeards 5
Gingers Rejoice! After celebrating the opening of Kevin Martini’s newest store, the Gbeards racked up another W last night, kicking down the henhouse doors and stealing the rooster’s eggs (Editor’s note: Roosters don’t lay eggs – BO’s basic understanding of biology never ceases to amaze). It started early when one of the notorious “potbelly D” on the beards, none other than “Dennis the Menace” Larcombe, slammed in a greasy clauper* from the blue line early in the first.
*A subsidiary of Teenie Weenie inc.
That was followed up by 3 more unanswered points from ‘Frenchie’ Magnon, the “Boomtown Rat” Trevor “Boomie” Lai, and Jim “I will choke you with my arm sling” Scottie. A special shout out to cocks goalie, Chris ‘Cock Blocker’ Purnell for his dandy dish in front of his own net that allowed Scootylicious to put the biscuit top shelf, where Ol’ farmer Duke keeps the corn feed… and his copious supply of salt.
Pictured above: Barry Duke
The Ice cocks pecked away throughout the game trying to find the back of the Chicken coop unsuccessfully until about halfway through the second when Mark ‘I say, I say, Boy… Fog Horn Leg Horn’ Cobbett potted two in a row in in an attempt to keep the cocks from ending up as “rotisserie grillers” at Boston Market. Alas, it was not to be as the as the Beards’ ‘little Napoleon’ Magnon cracked one in off the post with a few minutes to spare, sending the cocks off to the butchers (editor’s note: the picture BO sent for ‘cocks + butcher’ was definitely NSFW).
Lowered Expectations 2 vs. Night Splash 1 [s/0]
This game marked the second time this year the ever-so-glorious Beauties in black squared off against their ‘little brother’ yellow nemesis’s. Since the LowEx squad were on the receiving end of a total ass kicking during their first match against the Night Splash, fans were expecting a regrouped and hungry team; however, the reality was absolutely different.
“C’mon guys! Somebody has to get on the ice to take the faceoff. C’mooooooonn!
That’s right, folks: the LowExers were taking it pretty hard and heavy all night long! It was like a race between Dennis Larcrombe and Usain Bolt, and we can all imagine what that looks like. Right from the puck drop, it was wave after yellow wave crashing into the LoEx’s zone, with their top line of, Matt ‘don’t berate me’ Whately, Jay-league McKelvey and Yota ‘the Scrotum’ Tanabe making the LowEx players look like fools in their own zone. It seemed like fathers against sons out there, for crying out loud.
If there were ever a photo that perfectly captured the sentiment of ‘Lowered Expectations’, this is it
However, as fate is a fickle bitch, LowExer’s got on the board first when Billy ‘shortbus’ Longstreet batted one in. After that, the Splash showed no mercy and rallied by keeping the puck deep in the LowExer’s zone for what seemed to be an eternity. Only some good puck-luck and 5 black jerseys in front of the net kept game 1-0 until 5 minutes before the end, when a sloppy play allowed ‘Righty-Tighty’ Tanabe to score the equalizer. The rest of the game-plan for the LowExer’s was basically “ice the fawkin’ puck”, which was really all they could do.
Nothing major happened in OT, so it was shootout time. The Night Splash lined up with their best of the best; however, their poor performance and the LowExer’s ‘X-Marks-the-Spot’ Qin’s soft hands made the game 2-1 for the Lowered Expectations. Both teams want to forget about this one as fast as possible folks, but first, something you’ll never forget:
“When you hold meeeeee, in your arms so tight you let me knowwwww everything’s all right”
Tuesday Night (29th Nov.)
Chiefs 3 vs. Night Splash 1
Tuesday night started with some fairly straightforward line shuffling as the Bergie (that was suspended for punching a guy) showed up late, while the Bergie (that didnt punch the guy) made it just in time. The decision was made by the Wuggi to have the Bergie (that didnt punch the guy) and the Eddie to form a Wuggi-Bergie-Eddie line until the Bergie (that Punched the guy) could join the usual Wuggi-Bergie-Bergie line… minus the Eddie. But! Before the Eddie departed the Bergie and the Wuggi, he fed the Wuggi-monster, who deked the goalie for a sick snipe. Still with us? The Wuggi then joined forces with the Bergie and the Bergie, to fight off the Suzuki, the Usami and the Nakatake, scoring another two beauties in the process. Great D from the Mushy and the Seavy kept the McKelvy and the Whatley from getting too giggley.
Pictured above: ‘The Bushy’
Ice Cocks 1 vs. Lowered Expectations 0
In this snusfest (huhuh, see what I did there!) we saw two teams go at each other in what was objectively a boring affair. The real action happened in the scorekeeper’s box, where a drunken Wookie Wugz couldn’t help but chirp over the microphone while gameplay was still pretty tight. Reports suggest that it’s possible that Oogie Boogie Wuggi was a bit lit up at the time, and there’s plenty of evidence to support that claim:
Pictured above: Datsyuk’s gear stall. Keen observers will note he has two of everything
Pictured below: An SHC ‘beauty kit’, you’ll also see two of everything that matters
As expected, one of the Lowered Expectation beauties (also possibly whilst wrecked) approached the box at the end of the game to engage in a gentlemanly discourse with the offending parties. In the end nobody got hurt; snus pucks were exchanged, and we’re all still one big happy – albeit ugly – family.
Friday Night (2nd Dec.)
Fever 5 vs. Fog Devils 3
Friday night started with an entertaining affair featuring two teams hungry for a win and looking to prove themselves. The Fever, after a strong start to the season, decided to take a two-game nap and were looking to get back on track. The Fog Devils, on the other hand, who have now safely secured the first pick in the mid-season draft, decided it was finally a safe time to bring a full team to the game and attempt to break out of their season long slumber.
The first half was a back and forth affair with both goalies (Wayne Brettzky and Barry Shotz) making big saves for each team. It was the Fever that got on the scoreboard first as ‘Mad’ Max Wendelin scored on a slick backhand goal. Later in the frame, ‘Captain’ Custer added to the Fever lead as he and Kevin Hill found themselves on a 2-on-0 inside the hash marks. As is SHC policy, one of the generous Devil defenders was given an assist for tossing up a pizza.
“Pizzzzzaaahhhhhhh”
However, after going down 2-0 the Fog devils showed great heart and battled back as Danny “Yes, I am still in the league” Guo made a great play to Kita who finished with a beauty of a clauper from the top of the slot. Not be outdone, Brian “back the size of Baltimore” Pippard responded with a top cheddar slap shot of his own from the point to reestablish the Fever’s two goal lead.
The second half featured more of the same as the teams exchanged goals and scoring opportunities. First, Frank ‘Ze Tank’ Schmidt blasted one home for the Fog Devils from the slot. The fever answered when Mike “McHustlenuts” Mckevett earned a well-deserved goal, banging in a rebound off a Kevin “Best referee in the League” Hill shot. Shortly thereafter, the slimmer looking Jared “Jenny Craig” Kubas made the score 4-3 with a slapper of his own from the left the circle.
“You guys are just sayin’ that cuz you have to”
“Noooo, no, Kubie! You look great, man.”
“Yeah, buddy – whatever you’re doing, it’s working”
“Ohhhhhh I love you guys. Bestieeees with Testeeeees!”
The game remained 4-3 going into the final two minutes with the fog devils applying constant pressure. But alas, it was all for naught, as ‘Mad’ Max Wendelin ended the game the way he started it, with a goal (empty netter) to ice the win for the Fever.
Hamburglars 1 vs. Dirty Blues 5
After the Fever’s win, it seemed like just another Saturday night at the rink, and everything was looking up for the Hamburglars. Jovial laughter abounded in the locker room, and there was nary a worry in the world. Hamburglars’ 17-year-old Chinese-speaking forward, Joey Goo was even happily conveying his excitement at having met Pavel Datsyuk through pure mime and charades!
“I hed Two jocks in zat stall. Vhy are you vearing one?”
*shakes head nervously*
“Nyet! I can zee the bulge in your pants!”
*looks down confused…. then smiles awkwardly*
Then something unexpected happened…
Barnaby: “hey, does anybody else smell barbeque sauce?”
Liu #1: “Yeah, yeah I think I do”
Antti: “Oh no…Oh God no! …that means…”
…Baritone laughter from somewhere in the distance shook the room, and an impossibly loud “Oh FAWWWK YAH BUD!” echoed down the hallway, breaking everyone’s concentration. Everybody in the league knew what that laughter meant; it heralded the arrival of none other than ‘Dimebag’ Darryl Slaney, who was ready to return to the SHC lineup just in time to slather up some baby back passes and tee up some whoppers from the slot for his second game (and multi-point night) of the season.
Initial rumours suggested that the infamously illiterate ‘in-Slane in the membrane’ only showed up because he misread the schedule and thought there would be free hamburgers. Alas, it was to the Hamburglars’ demise as he took a huge bite out of their confidence before the game even began.
Gameplay got off to a quick start as both sides took turns putting on the pressure in what was initially a hockey game worth watching. It wasn’t long, however, before fate took its course and Hambies’ defender Kemp ‘why are you making me play defence?’ Collings took a puck in the mouth and had to leave the game for some zips.
An onlooking Slaney, who by this point was jealous because he was just fawken starvin’, turned up the grill and fed the tremendous tandem of ‘the silent J’s’, Jofa and Jan, who got to work on the hapless hambies’ defensive core. It all started when Jofa ‘inside, outside, all around the town-side’ Natour put on a goddam clinic, deking the jock off of some anonymous defenceman before effortlessly sniping a top corner finish on a bedazzled Barry ‘I’m gonna stay low’ Roe. Honestly folks, if you’ve ever played NHL 97 with a goalie whose rating was 32/100, you’d know exactly why Jofa was laughing his way all the way to the bench.
“Ja Ja Ja, it was easier than scoring goals in my childhood, when all we had were pucks of snus and wild sheep for goalies, Ja Ja Ja”
The tide seemed to turn in the second half as perpetual shoulder magnet, Isaac ‘McBodycheck’ did what he does best: draw penalties using his face. “But sweet Jesus, what a match!” Is what you would’ve said if the ‘Burglin’ buds could’ve capitalized on just one of their 5 PP opportunities in this gongshow of a match-up. It just wasn’t meant to be. But hey, at least Barry and Brett played sick when they were in the Dirty Snus’ end of the ice.
Pictured above: Brett Syer
