SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 11

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 11

Welcome back, Folks! (about time, amirite!?)

We’ve been out of action for what seems like an eternity, but our legions of lovelorn fans came out in droves to watch the SHC resume play this past weekend down at feisty Ol’ Feiyang. Reports from around the community suggest that the revamped surge in game attendance stems from the addition of 15 new players, most of whom are rumoured to be impossibly gorgeous man models from all corners of the globe. Now, far be it from me to give credit where it’s due, in this case it would be just plain ignorant not to congratulate a few of these guys on making the SHC beautiful again:


Hailing from Denmark, Sigve ‘The Clap’ Klepsvik started out modelling on the mean streets of Copenhagen with nothing but his golden mane of hair and giant hands to protect him. Surviving on a diet mainly consisting of half-eaten blueberry turnovers recovered from dumpsters, a young, sickly Siggy got involved in hockey when a local coach drove by one day and noticed him in an alleyway beating the other street children senseless with a rotten salmon for alley scraps. The coach realized right then that despite the rough edge, this street urchin’s unnaturally large lobster-claw hands would be great for modelling hockey gloves. And thus the on-ice photoshoots followed, and before long, some actual talent. It naturally follows that his nickname ‘The Clap’ is a clever homage, not only to his beefy mitts, but also to the thunderous applause his Danish countrymen give him anytime he scores a goal. Thinking his nickname has any other connotation is a common mistake.  


Coming to us all the way from the sunny country of Africa, J-Fit, as he is known in most vegan-only cultish circles, made a splash on the international modelling scene when he refused to do a bathing suit advert unless the water in the lake was gluten-free. After garnering much praise for the conscientious objection, and eventually getting promoted to Vegan Chancellor Supreme, J continued to make waves when he proclaimed that, “All non-vegan savages, including all ‘vegetarian pretender scum’, are not to be trusted. Let it henceforth be known that consuming the products of animals will result in my posting of your naked torso beside mine on all platforms of social media so that your self-confidence denigrates in my chiseled shadow.” The edict turned out to be his last as a clandestine conspiracy in the world of organic fitness models ultimately led to his ousting. Apparently, rumours surfaced that the ink in his tattoos was extracted from a rare, deep-sea Japanese octopus – thus ending his legitimacy to the chancellorship. His climb back to the top has begun with the spreading of his message here in China, where he’s found a ripe base of doughy beer-leaguers to convert to his vegan cult. Reports suggest that self-conscious SHC vet, Pepe LePipski, has already fallen prey, blindly purchasing the 6-month organo-cleanse ultra-lo body fat meal plan.    

Davey LeblancIMG_3247

After working as Daniel Radcliffe’s stunt double in the Harry Potter series (see above left), Davy Leblanc was forced to take a break from the rough-and-tumble Hollywood stunt double lifestyle. Apparently, as Harry Potter grew older and taller, poor Davy did not (see above right), thus landing him in a market where his quidditch skills were in short demand. Not one to be dissuaded from making something of himself, Davy enrolled in minor hockey at the age of 21 and none were the wiser. To this day, nobody’s really sure how old he is. All we’re certain of is that a healthy contingent of hardcore Leblanc fans show up to every game, just waiting for ‘their chosen one’ to score a goal.    


Coming to us all the way from the comfortable confines of North Korea, Jun Sung Park garnered international attention in the modelling world when his gorgeous face graced the cover of “Bashful Ball Hockey Beauties 2002-2003” (see above). Widely believed by his countrymen to be the reincarnation of Pulgasari (look it up, ya beaut!) for his ferociousness on roller skates, Park’s ball hockey career was cut short when it was discovered he had accepted a Western sponsorship deal before clearing it with the Supreme Leader. The controversy was believed to have crushed the spirit of the notoriously secretive country, who looked to the nubile, supple youth for inspiration.  However, believing him to be too beautiful for death, Kim Jong-Il decided to exile him instead. Park eventually landed on the shores of Canada, where he spent the rest of his formative years blending in, learning how to make poutine and converting his skills to the ice. Dominating the SHC is just the next step in regaining his former glory.      

Welcome aboard, gents (All of 15 you, ya beauts!) And by the way, Happy New Year!

Apparently it’s the year of the Cock. And though I haven’t the slightest idea why that’s significant in the traditional sense, I’m fairly certain we already wasted our A-material innuendo doing write-ups for a filthy-minded franchise that’s had the dirty-word bird emblazoned on their jerseys for the past two years.

tradtional AF

BuKAWWWWWWWk! It’s why the Ice Cocks are killin’ it, BuKAWWWWWWWWWwk!

But enough about all that. Here’s your friggen’ roundup:

Friday Night

Beardogs 6 vs. Dirty Blues 4

Well folks, it’s been a while since we’ve seen a game quite like this one. Both sides came out flying, and it was obvious from the get-go that the max capacity crowd was in for a treat. That is until Beardogs forward, Mike ‘Michelin Man Cock’ McClocklin, decided to ask the SHC’s lone skater from the Czech Republic, Janzy ‘Delicio’ Velicio, what it was like playing for “Czechoslovakia” when he was younger. The insensitive question sparked a fire in the 7’10” forward that resulted in a derailment of the McClocklin Express the likes of which we haven’t seen since the last time McClocklin hit on somebody else’s girlfriend at a pond hockey tournament. After the game, however, the towering forward expressed his remorse for having levelled such a beauty.

Jan 2Jan

(Above left: Jan during game)

(Above right: Jan post game)

After going up 3-1 at one point, the game seemed to be leaning in the Dirty Blues’ favour. Little did they know that in-again, out-again returning SHC vet, ‘Hammer n’ Sicklve’ Klepsvik had his own ideas how the game was going to play out. Siggy had a standout performance, scoring twice (including the tying 4-4 goal) and getting an assist to make this game a nail-biter. ‘Top Cheezy’ Ruizy, ‘Boston’ Dan Warlockishieck, Mi-Schell, and ‘Franklin the turtle-burger’ all chipped in a goal of their own in a full-team effort. On the receiving end of things, the Dirty Blues’ Jan Ferrell had a pair (of ginos and penalties!) while ‘Yo-fat Yogurt’ and Darien ‘I’m Flyin’ Bryant had great games, each scoring one and assisting on two.

Hamburglars 4 vs. Fever 2

In their first game back after the break it was obvious to everyone in the building that a fair number of players on both teams were stuck in ‘vacay mode’. And judging by the number of ‘Tiger’, ‘Leo’, and ‘Singha’ tank tops that were being worn around the locker rooms, it’s fair to say that the sloppy game that followed could’ve been predicted. Instead of the usual heated exchanges at the face-off dots and ruthless battles in the corners, fans played witness to an awkwardly courteous and overly gentile game that had more smiles and laughter than a team of 40-year-old Balinese masseuses trying to get your attention from the side of the road (even though you’re doing your best to hold your girlfriend’s hand and not make eye contact lest it result in yet another night of silent treatment at the sub-par airbnb you booked at the last minute because you’re too goddam lazy to properly plan anything.)

bali massage

“You wan Mas-aaaaaaaaage?”

*Squeezes eyes shut* “NO – a thousand times – NO!”

Early game action was tilted in the Fever’s favour, with many scoring chances getting turned away by some stellar performances between the pipes by ‘Super Saiyan’ Brett Syer. New additions to the Hambies’ defensive core, Simon ‘Boob Skis’ Kubskis and ‘The gravy train’ David Leblanc also had standout performances, making some great plays in the clutch.


…And I’m an alcoholic 

The result was the Burglin’ bunch capitalizing on every odd-man rush that fell into their lap. Perpetual beauty, A-Aron ‘I’ll be good for a few’ Liu scored a hat-trick while the pride of France, ‘Badon-ka-tonk’ Franck Saulnier broke in for a beauty of his own and snagged a couple apples for 3 points on the night. Despite a respectable push toward the end of the game, the Fever got shut down by some acrobatic madness on behalf of ‘GlenBarry Glen Roess’. We caught up to Barry after the game to get his opinion on the match: “ABS, baby. Hey, you listening to me? A-B-S. Always, Be, Saving. HEY! Don’t you walk away from me!” After escaping the wild-eyed goalie, we also managed to get a few questions in with all-round choirboy, ‘The Reverend’ Kevin Jackson: “Look, all I’m saying is that it’s impossible – IMPOSSIBLE – to go on a trip to Phuket with a girl and have a good time! I mean, I’m a nice guy, but I smile when I hear a beautiful masseuse’s laughter from a dark alley – I smile when I’m nervous!!! It’s not flirting!!!” We were interrupted there as Shane ‘3rd round and down’ Anderson hijacked the conversation with his own lengthy stories about his “super sweet” Bali Hai v-neck and matching flip-flops.

Saturday Night              

Gingerbeards 5 vs. Chiefs 3

The Beards played a tilt with the Chiefs,

Goff played well to BO’s relief,

the bearded ones won,

the Chiefs had no fun,

then Fitz cried BO is a thief….

chiefs playing hockey

“Give it back, you ginger-cloaked bastard!” 

Lowered Expectations 4 vs. Chiefs 3 [S/O]

“I’m on the edge of glory,” Low-Ex captain Peter Helenius was heard saying as he returned to the SHC after his greasy, yet peaceful CNY. Both teams were beyond excited to suit up the unis and hit the pristine, mirror-like ice on Saturday evening. Low-Ex hit the ice with nearly a full bench, picking up Tony Azuma off the injured-reserve list after his recovery from a brutal assault by Lorena ‘Bobbitt’ Cobbett earlier in the season. “I’m okay now. The doctors reattached everything and it all seems to work fine,” a sheepish Azuma said during a pre-game interview.


(Pictured above: A remorseful pre-op ‘chop-chop’ Mark Cobbett)

The Chiefs, on the other hand, seemed to be missing a few key pieces. Rumours were flying around that there were some ‘internal issues’, and that some players chose to continue their vacations instead of helping their dedicated captain, Coke-Fizz Fitzy. With only ‘The Reincarnation of the Dali Lama’ Shama and ‘Wooooo U ugly!’ Leon Li, the Chiefs managed to survive until the shoot-out. 2 goals by Low-Ex’s Billy ‘Shortbus’ Longstreet were answered in turn by The Dali ShamaMarky Mark Qin and Sir Leon Wugglesworth had the lone tallies for either side to send the game to OT.

The 3-on-3 OT skate resolved nothing, so the shoot-out commenced. Shama started it off, missing the net, but ‘Lady Hands’ Helenius responded by delicately tapping in his team’s first attempt. The second shooters followed  the same pattern, Li from the Chiefs missing and Markus ‘The Sparkus Plug’ Spahr sinking his chance, ending the game for the Low-Ex Victors.

In the press conference after the game, Chiefs’ captain Fitz was complaining about the referees, saying, “These f@$#ing zebras were giving my sweethearts SEVERAL questionable penalties!” Yet, after he’d calmed down, Fitz admitted that he was only bitching because his vacation sucked balls. Apparently his wife caught him looking at a young group of tightly-clothed Filipino  masseuses in Boracay.


“Has anyone seen my jock? Shortbus deked mine right off, boys!”

Night Splash 6 vs. Gingerbeards 3

In an SHC rarity, the Night Splash took on the Gingerbeards and came out on top! Mid-season pick-up, Tim ‘The Softy’ Cocchi, sniped two goals in his debut. “He’s great,” captain Suzuki commented, “He lived in Japan for a long time so speaks fluent Japanese. He made friends with NS teammates very quickly because he understands KTV etiquette! He might save our team!!!” Also, ‘Leerin’ Leon Lee potted his first goal of the season on a highlight-reel pass from ‘No it wasn’t Fluky’ Suzuki.  ‘Shapley’ Matt Whately stepped up big toime, potting a pair for himself in the fray.

Lowered Expectations 5 vs. Night Splash 1

The second double header of the night showed no signs of the Low-Ex squad getting sick and tired of playing hockey on the graveyard shift. Whereas the Low-Exers had a break between games, the Night Splash crew played back-to-back games, which caught up to them in the second half. The Low-Ex boys took advantage and kept forechecking hard all game, forcing the Splishy Splashers to cough up the puck in their own zone. Markus ‘the Spahrkplug’ Spahr kept up his momentum from the first game, notching his first hat-trick in 50 years. Admittedly, he couldn’t have done it without some support from Harvey ‘The Help’ He, who assisted on a pair.


“Whooooo gosh dang – haven’t felt this good since the Summit Series!”

Weiner Helenius had a couple helpers of his own, and an overall great performance by the Low-Ex squad justified the 5-1 result.


“Okay, nobody let Angel touch the puck and we’ll make it out of this just fine”

During the post-game press conference, none of Night Splash members showed up. Apparently they were ‘out of juice’ and too busy initiating their mid-season pick-up, Tim ‘Pretty good at Hockey’ Cocchi at a ‘discreet’ KTV.


The Fans Said It: “McKelvey and Whately looked like Sedin Twins out there with the same beard, we weren’t sure who was f*@$ing who?!”

“I bet those boys had a nice afternoon buying matching panties and expensive facial hair treatments.”

“That number 8 on the Night Splash… did he just score his first ever SHC goal? It looked like it for chrissakes, he was screaming like a little girl and going nuts out there!”

“I’m just the janitor, but I’m a bit drunk and I lost my keys. There’s nobody here on Saturday nights, so why the Hell are you guys always here at 4am?”

Posted by aaron in Recap
SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 10 and Pond Hockey Tourney

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 10 and Pond Hockey Tourney



Well, folks, this past week has been packed – just packed – with SHC action. We had the Annual Beijing Pond Hockey tournament, AND a full slate of games on the docket. Just to give you an idea of just how much puck has been going on, the switchboard in Barry Roe’s guest bathroom has lit up so many times with incoming calls that our resident out-of-work Ex-English teacher, Dolores, up and quit. According to her, the high volume of reports, in addition to all the long-distance calls “from potty-mouthed Russian men continuously farting into the receiver…” put her off. So, for all of you out there who’ve been trying to get a hold of us over the past few days, we’re sorry about that. And if you’re reading this from your offices hidden somewhere in the Kremlin, and I’m sure you are… Two can play at this game, you shadowy KHL Exec Goons…


“Ewwwwwww. If I knew I had to put up with this, I woulda stayed back in Jerseyyyyy.”

But enough about that – there’s more than enough out-of-work English teachers in Shanghai to fill the void – here’s yer friggen’ roundup:

Friday Night

Lowered Expectations 2 vs. Ice Cocks 1 (S/O)

Looking to redeem themselves against a rock-solid Cocks pounding last weekend, and looking to change things up a little, Lowered Expectations arrived at the rink dressed in cultish black hoodies bearing the ancient insignia of the Boar. They then trudged in unison down into the subterranean underbelly of Feiyang in search of the old one, so as to translate his dark divinations. Foul incense was lit and a pentagram was improvised out of hockey sticks before a booming voice from the spectral depths decreed: “Low-Ex shall send 2 players north to seek re-education, and another south to indulge in the pleasures of the flesh…Let it be known”


Pictured Above: A sacrilegious Simon Pinard models the ghastly garments in his workplace

And so the Low-Ex boys, convinced the spooky prediction held some clout, hit the ice with their 7 remaining players. What followed next was a long, drawn-out night that saw a white-eyed Mark ‘the dark one’ Qin score a demonic goal assisted by the banshee-esque Chris ‘Voodoo Maniac’ Recutriak. However, a lone Cock would be allowed to score that evening, and a clearly frustrated Barry ‘Dante’s Inferno’ Duke did so in the 2nd. We actually caught up to Duke at the break to get a piece of his mind: “I don’t know what happened. I was just waking up from a nap in my usual spot down in the basement when these morons came down and started asking my advice. I told them to screw off, and half of them did! I’m fairly certain each and every single one of them is wasted right now – I can’t believe we’re still tied.” It turns out that the ‘Hellion’, Harvey He, would indeed be the ‘chosen one’, scoring the winning shoot out goal.

Saturday Night

Fog Devils 12 vs. Beardogs 7

Wow, folks. Just wow. 19 goals — though it probably wasn’t that great for the goalies’ self esteem, I can’t imagine how happy the fantasy league boys are gonna be after this one – WOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dirty Blues 6 vs. Fog Devils 4

In the next matchup, the Foggy D-Lights came out flying against the undermanned DB’s, racking up goals early and often in the first half. With the magic from their first game winding down, the first half ended with the Devils up 4-1. After the break, however, the Dirty Shoes took advantage of the FDs finally feeling the effects of the double header. With several exhausted Devils slowing down, the Blues finally put the pressure on, scoring 4 unanswered goals. They finally took the lead 5-4 after Andy ‘Grilled Cheese’ Sigfrieds fired home the GWG with 5 minutes left to play. The DBs held off a flurry of late game pressure and finally scored an empty netter with just a couple seconds left on the clock to solidify the win 6-4.

Dirty Blues 4 vs. Fever 1

Against the Fever, an utterly exhausted DBs squad played conservative defensively as they were right where they wanted to be: very undermanned (6 guys) and out of gas – which is when they seem to shine. A strong performance by both new players, Darien ‘I drive a Fiat’ Bryant, and Curtis ‘not just a clever name’ Good made waves in the SHC community. Good’s hat-trick performance, and ironman stay-at-home D standouts: Justin Brown-town Browner and Frederick ‘neck twist’ Nyquist ensured the depleted DB squad would pull off yet another short-benched upset.

Fever 2 vs. Beardogs 1

In this tight affair, the Fever opened the scoring halfway through the first period with a shortie. Mike ‘Mchustlenuts’ Mckevett showed his characteristic grit when he skated the puck into the offensive zone before making a drop pass to a trailin’ Skarin’, who after some hard work at shinnies seems to have found his legs. Since Skarin’ was already sailin’ and farin’ just well, he took a couple more strides and fired a well-placed shot that Casey wouldn’t have gloved down even if it were a cold beer.

In the second half, Mike “Mchustlenuts” Mckevett continued to carry the team, sniping a beauty of a bar-down dinger. The beardogs were, however, able to get on the board as Sigve ‘immune to Khlamydia’ Klepsvik, who was hungover as balls and doing his best to sweat it out, scored off a face-off in his much-awaited return to the SHC. Welcome back, you golden-haired Norswedanish Snus-goblin.


Pictured Above: Sigvart – The musical

Beijing Pond Hockey 

The most anticipated tournament of the year kicked off in style Friday night at the Beijing Dulwich High School athletic grounds, causing most players to scratch their heads in confusion, and others to shamelessly hit on the barely legal onlookers in the crowd.


“Hey, how you doin’?”

The ongoings of the tournament itself are a bit hazy for… well… everyone, so I’m just going to leave a few photos here for your enjoyment:


Ssssssshoe….. SSssssshhhhhooooeeee…      …Zuuuuuki





Congratulations to the Tinderwolves, who absolutely dominated the A division final to take home the cup for the second year in a row. Though they weren’t undefeated in the tournament *cough, ahem* they made an absolute mockery of the teenage squad that embarrassed the Xiao Long Bros in the semis, so hats off to them!





IMG_3099 IMG_3138



Posted by aaron in Recap
SHC Extra: The Great Wall of Hockey

SHC Extra: The Great Wall of Hockey


“Sauce it over the rock, ya friggen’ beaut!”

When you’re a kid growing up playing hockey – and it doesn’t matter where – there are a precious few moments you just know will stay with you for the rest of your life. For most of us, those moments happen when we’re young – kids really. It could’ve been in minor hockey, it might’ve been when you “peaked” back in Junior, and for a lucky few, the life memories forever linked to the game might’ve happened on an even bigger stage. Regardless, the joy hockey gives us is the same from pond to lake, road to rink, or province to country. And like many other things we grow to love, it’s hard to let go when it’s gone.



“Ah move yer bag, I need a place to lace up… Wait. Aaron what isss this?

“Bro! You laugh, but that tag’s been on my bag since I was there – I made nationals, man!”

“Yeah? That’s cool, bud. Heh. You’re like the exact same height, only now your melon is three sizes bigger and you’ve got a dirty stash.”

The culture is ingrained in you from an early age, and there’s nothing better than the intricacy of it: a goalie’s pre-game rituals are always quirky, you don’t get on the ice before the Zamboni doors are closed, you don’t drop the gloves with rooks (even over an excessive celly), and if you tape your stick from toe-to-heel, you’re a godless savage. None of it makes sense – but it’s all understood… and respected. Hockey at the rink, hockey on the pond, mini-stick hockey in the hallway for chrissakes – there’s always a way it’s supposed to be done. There’s always an understanding, a way to rationalize any action or reaction… and a built-in penal system, to punish those who start takin’ liberties.


it is known

“He who taketh the cheap shot must pay. It is known.”

*choral response*

“Yes. It is known.”

The sad thing is that somewhere along the line for everyone reading this, Life took over. All the excitement we used to feel lacin’ em up got replaced with some role, responsibility or tragedy that ultimately landed us in a country where good hockey is hard to find.


And beers. It’s pretty hard to find good beers

Many of our connections to the leagues back home were severed, leaving us adrift in a place where the unspoken rules, codes and etiquette that made sense of the world got hocked out of existence and spit onto the floor beside us while we waited in line for our ride on the next high-speed G-train to success. Fortunately, the majority of us are only waiting in this station for a little while, so for everything we’ve got – it’s really thanks to timing.



“Aww man, bad pass – sorry – misread it”

“Do the work, let him get his head up, then pass, ya duster”
“That’s a hundred suicide dives, Andy – all the way down to the next guard tower and back!”



“Ahhhh take a look at that, boys. Whatta sight…”
“Eh buddy, yer wastin’ daylight – hurry up and chuck the twigs, ya friggen’ idiot!”


“Ho sweet Jesus. Betcha…betcha I could shoot a puck… over dem mountains”


“You’re such a gentleman…”

“hahaha, I guess my mom raised me right”

“No, you don’t understand. Stop be such a p*$$y.”

Being in the right place at the right time, meeting somebody connected, and working the fact that you play hockey into the conversation takes a confluence of luck, time and openness a lot of us just don’t have. So how beautiful is it, then, that each and every one of us somehow managed to find each other in this massive, congested laowai network, get linked up with a league somewhere on the line between Dalian and Hong Kong, and find ourselves playing puck on a little-known frozen reservoir at the foot of The Great Wall of China?


And how beautiful is the irony of all of us coming together to play against that backdrop, an ancient symbol of division that doesn’t really make much sense?


Under the right lighting, she’s a friggen’ beauty though… that much is understood

All I know is that I’m a lucky guy for everything I’ve been given in life, but getting off the bus on that perfectly clear day and seeing all those mile-wide smiles connecting together from every corner of the world – that was more than good timing, that was serendipitous to the fullest extent of the word…… (I think).


And you might not realize it now, Mark, (and this article might cause you more time in future planning and logistics than you need) but you’re a goddam beauty for giving this to us. If your parents were here, I’d kiss them – though I’m not sure your mom actually has a mouth under that sweet orange beard.

Simon's Dad

Simon's Mom

Pictured above: Mr. and Mrs. Simon


Every single brick in that wall makes sense, no matter how out of place it’s seems. It doesn’t matter where they found the stone, how they mixed the mortar, or what the motivation was – it’s been there for as long as any of us can remember, and it stretches across places it reasonably shouldn’t.



Thanks for reminding me what it’s all about, bro



Posted by aaron in Recap
SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 9

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 9

Week 9

Happy New Year, ya friggen’ beauties!

It took a couple of weeks to fully recover from the holiday hangover, but the SHC finally resumed play this week. And boy oh boy, was it ever sloppy. Believe me, folks, we’ve had a couple humdingers over the past few months, but this weekend played witness to a league chock-full of over-stuffed, jet-lagged beauts doing their best just to remember where they hung up their goddam skates before the Christmas break.


“I don’t even remembah vich ones ah mine… Feeèēêęéèck it”

Reportedly, BO, aka ‘The Missing (Ginger) Link’, was hard at work buzzing blades all Friday and Saturday night, just to make sure the boys had an easier time working off the ol’ Christmas goose. Alas, it didn’t make things any prettier. Luckily for us, a legend was born – well, two, actually.

Friday Night

Ice Cocks 3 vs. Gingerbeards 1

This was a fairly tight match due to great goaltending from JF Poutinelanger and Crispy Crunch Christofferson. ICs had a short bench but ‘Pretty Kai for a Wu guy’ stepped up large with 2 big goals. Cobbett ‘the filthy Hobbit’ chipped in a ‘tolkein’ goal while the Magnificent Midori, Geriatric Zhang and newcomer Li ‘Hard-on’ Cason all played solid games up front on the forecheck. Defense was solid all night shutting down the flying Frenchman Fartbum Manbang (for the first time this season!). Garbage goal king ‘It’z not a toomah’ Boomi Lai had the lone Ginger goal.

Special “Get Well” wishes to Ice Cock defenseman, Dave ‘Oh wouldn’t it be nice’ Rice, who broke a ‘drumstick’ skiing during the holidays. The good news is that Dave says he will be back – Bobby Baun style – just in time for the playoffs.

(editor’s note: A more current reference would’ve been Steven Stamkos, but absolutely nobody has the time to say this aloud, lest they be subject to another Barry Duke lecture on the grandeur of old-time hockey)


Beer League: Origins

Chiefs 3 vs. Lowered Expectations 2

The Lowered Expectations had… high?… expectations… for their first game back, but with the sudden disappearance of the “Mayor” of Hellenius-ville, things were up in the air. To describe it candidly, the ambience in the rink was sort of like a “Tan-Tan” date: awfully mysterious, a bit apprehensive, but bound to get hairy sooner or later. Even without Fitz De Smurf psyching the team with some pre-game Carly Rae war chants, the Chiefs still managed to chalk up a win over the less-desirables.

It should be noted that ‘Big Poppa’ Leon’s legendary performance was the talk of the night. It truly was something for the history books. You see, throughout the history of the Shanghai Hockey Club, several legends have been made. Many legacies have been forged in this bittersweet beer-league saga, and on Saturday night we were lucky to bear witness to the rise of yet another.

Arriving at the rink in the nick of time, inexplicably dressed in hospital scrubs, nobody even had time to ask Wuggi Woogz what was going on before the game kicked off. (It turns out that he managed to escape from the delivery room right after his wife passed out from giving birth to his healthy baby twins). After scoring two goals (one for each of his beautiful kids) and helping his team win the game, he whipped his gear to the ground, hopped back into his pastel-blue scrubs, then hastily rushed back to the hospital before his wife had even realized he left.

Whatta. Fucken’. Beaut!


The SHC in its entirety acknowledges your feat, Leon. You, Sir, stand alone as an example for the rest of us. Congratulations, you glorious bastard.


Saturday Night

Ice Cocks 5 vs. Lowered Expectations 0

The Lice Cracks showed up with 7 players and needed a big effort from everyone to stay in the game against a usually solid Low-Ex squad. After an end-to-end rush by Stevie ‘Try-hard, Die-hard’ Dyer ending with a perfect shot for the first goal, things snowballed. After that, Corn on the Cobbett had 2 goals and 2 assists to lead the Cocks to a commanding 5-0 half-time lead. From there on in it was shut down time, and the pace of the game got even slower until it ultimately stopped dead in its crotchety tracks. Jason Vorhees (the goalie) got an SHC shutout, not allowing either team to score (although Majestic Midori, who continues to look good out there, put herself into the net on a great individual effort. Coincidentally, nobody’s heard from her since the game).


*che-che-che ah-ah-ah* “I swear to f@$k, Midori, if you crash into me one more time I will straight up murder you” *che-che-che ah-ah-ah*

Harvey ‘Two-Face’ He was the only good player for LE, throwing the body at both teams indiscriminately – as the Harvey Dents of the world tend to do.

Fog Devils 4 vs. Beardogs 1

2017 is the year of the cock, and the foggy Ds could not let their franchise brethren down. After a tumultuous start to the 2016-2017 campaign, the team knew that something had to change. There were some pieces missing. And those pieces were Jay Fit, Tyler Perro, and a double cheeseburger.


And some balls

After these three additions to the roster and a passionate and invigorating pregame speech given by a jock-clad Hans-suck-ass, the Fog Devils hit the ice for the first time this year actually looking to win. Player of the game Nakata said, “I played with the fury of a thousand suns. Nothing could hold me back.” Evan ‘The Haircut’ Shen added, “My new year’s resolution was to score 3 goals per game, and I couldn’t let the team down.” Facing a rabid Beardogs team with a recently acquired early-90s-time-traveling Jaromir Jagr, the game began. Fresh off the long-term IR, Danny “Danny” Guo put the good guys up quickly off of what spectators described as “the most raw display of athleticism ever seen.”

Knowing that in the SHC, no lead is safe, Albert “Blyad” Almukhametov cranked up the pressure with a legendary wrist shot, beating former Ringette goaltender Isaac ‘The Body’ McKitrick top-shelf where mama hides the cheeseburgers. “It was a fricken’ laser beam. I saw the puck clearly the whole way through, but his [Blyad’s] snipes cannot be eaten… I mean, um, contained – whatever. Now excuse me while I crush this double chee,’ said McKitrick. ‘Overactive Thyroid’ Ryan Baerg added two humongous goals. “I would’ve had more if I stayed onside,” he told reporters from an offside position during the game. The Beardogs’ Stu “Taibei Chun K” Chan tallied the only goal for the team whose hats are woefully without logos. After a tremendous start to the year, the Fog Devils look to continue their streak into the coming weekend versus a red-hot Dirty Blues team and the Fever in a double-cheese McHeader.


“Jesus, whose helmet is this? XXXL – I didn’t even know they made those. Oh wait, Baerg! BAERG I found it!”

Gingerbeards 4 vs. Chiefs 2

Saturday’s third match turned into a battle between the bearded cowboys and the chiefless Indians. The Beards’ top snipers ‘Big Bamboomie’ and Martin ‘wee man’ Magnon each potted a pair to give the Beards a much needed victory on the battlefield. Shortly after the smoke cleared, one of the Chiefs was heard to say, “Tonto no like redbeard’s medicine, tastes like buffalo dung”


(Editor’s note: I hope this picture is relevant, BO. I’m not positive which Indians we’re talkin’ about. In Canada we call them First Nations People)

Dirty Blues 5 vs. Hamburglars 4

Who doesn’t love playing puck at midnight?!

The final game of Saturday night started off slow, slow enough that ‘Dimebag’ Daryl Slaney, Jan ‘Bon Jovi’, Jim ‘Been dere, Dunn Dat’, YO-momma-so-FAt Natour, Frederick ‘the cyclist’ Nyquist, Thorse-cock Hugedicks and Justinuff Le Brun had the time to shoot the breeze over how they got away with selecting such a loaded squad of vets.

Luckily for them, the Hamburglars were too busy figuring out who wanted to make the first pass out of their own end to do anything to stop the Dirty Blues chemistry that was apparent right from the get go. Slitherin’ Slaney opened up the scoring when he dangled a couple pylons on D to score a beauty early in the frame.



Janzy ‘D’Lick’ Velich followed up shortly after with a disgustingly European knee deflection to make it 2-zip. The goals kept coming until the half, when the DBs were sitting on a comfortable 5-0 lead and the ‘burgs bench couldn’t quite figure out their asses from their own elbows. A couple nasty ginos from a beautifully bearded Swede who surprisingly ISN’T Jofa, ‘Rowdy’ Rikard Ivner, had seemed to put the hambies away for good.

Then the beast awoke:


Pictured above: ‘The Beast’ Aaron Liu

A-Aron ‘I aaaain’t f*@kin’ with’ Liuuuuu, best known for his sssssick flow, decided to take it upon himself to make this showdown an actual game. Before long, he had all 4 goals for the ‘burglin’ bunch and things were getting tighter than Jim Dunn’s waistband. It was all for naught, however, as the game ended just as it began – with the Dirty Blues out of breath and the Hamburglars trying to make sense of it all.


Posted by aaron
SHC Christmas Extra!!!

SHC Christmas Extra!!!

Eh! Merry Christmas, ya friggen’ beauts!

The SHC has been active this holiday season, going out of its way to ensure all of its surplus beer somehow translated into holiday cheer. We had the Ugly Sweater Christmas Classic (USCC), a very special appearance by a Sober Santa Claus at the annual Xmas party, and somehow in between, the Waitans managed to send off some high-calibre beauts in true SHC style.

In the Christmas spirit of giving and holiday compassion, we’re also genuinely happy to report that the Hockey Hands crew has made some major headway in their volunteer program that involves many of our resident SHC legends – more on that shortly.

But first, we should share with you a submission that was made by the Feiyang zamboni driver. According to him, every year around this time, this poem (in its many iterations) is read aloud by the arena elders to help teach budding young hockey players about the true Christmas spirit:

Twas the night before Christmas,

And all through the rink:

Not a tap had hot water,

Not even the sink.

But in the darkness of the halls,

And much to our chagrin,

There lurked some Ruskies

Trying to steal our ice time again.

“Come, Igor,”

Said the KHLer,

“let us plan, and connive.

If we pull this off,

The SHC shan’t survive!”

But beneath the catacombs,

Where none dared to tread,

There lived an SHC legend

Or so it is said.

Someone so bitter,

That he had to remain,

Locked in the darkest cellar,

Adorned with crusty chains.

He spoke in short bursts,

And targeted most execs.

That he was in the SHC ‘first’,

He never let them forget.

But the legend was enraged,

You could tell by his patented scowl.

Through the dark halls he shuffled,

Wearing nothing but a towel.

That’s when the secretive Ruskies,

Caught completely unaware,

Overheard some salty complaints –

About how Christmas is unfair:

“Why do I work my ass off,

all through the year,

just to spend Christmas Eve,

Drinking piss-warm beer?

“Who’s the damn exec in charge!”

The visage howled with a sneer.

The Ruskies exchanged glances,

Shaking with fear.

“Who the hell are you!”

They queried,

“Is this some kind of fluke?”

“No, you idiots:

I’m Barry F@$%ing Duke!

Now, you’re gonna sit there,

And you’re gonna listen,

To every gripe, grumble and bellyache

That I can envision!”

As it turns out,

They wouldn’t dare.

Because listening to ol’ Duke,

Was their worst nightmare.

So then it was just BD,

Alone with his beer,

Doing his best to ingest,

Some holiday cheer.

And what happened then?

Well… in Shanghai they say,

Duke’s small heart

Grew three sizes that day!

So he jumped and cheered,

And ran through the halls,

Ready to spread the love –

Flip-flops, towel and all.


“You know, sometimes he brings up some good points.”


The Ugly Sweater Christmas Classic

The seasonal festivities kicked off some time in early December as SHC alumni gathered for the 4th annual USCC. Players on both sides were definitely feeling festive as the bottles of suds and an appropriately Christmas-coloured bottle of Jagermeister greased the wheels for some all-round good toimes. The breakaway competition resulted in an early Xmas gift of a half bottle for the loser, which had to be chugged as a penalty.






Pictured above: Drunks on ice, the musical

The Annual SHC Christmas Party

One of our gracious sponsors, Cages, pulled out all the stops for us this year and hosted our Xmas party. It took a lot of hard work on behalf of the black franchise, but in the end it was a wonderful treat for those of us with families. Actually, word on the street was that many other organizations’ around town were Santa-less, and openly jealous of our long list of players who had the ideal body type for the role. Good, clean, family-friendly fun? SHC? Who’d’ve thunk it?



“I’m only sober till 7pm, if you’re lucky. Better get ur pics fast, folks. Otherwise your lil’ angels are gonna wind up hearing all about my ex again.”

Hockey Hands Charity Work

Get a load of these beauts. The SHC is pleased to announce that the Hockey Hands group is making some great headway with their program designed to help orphans around Shanghai get involved in hockey. The project has been underway for over a year, with many key figures in the SHC stepping up big toime to volunteer their time and energy for this amazing cause. If you’re at all interested in helping out or volunteering your time and energy, get a hold of Cole Paterson or Mark Simon for more info.

img_2908 img_2909 img_2910 img_2912 img_2913 img_2914


“More people should know about this”

The Waitans Send Off Wada

img_2891 img_2890


Wada’s going away game was put on by the Waitans, and involved a bunch of Ice Cocks – both past and present. The Ice Cocks won 4-2 yet Wada scored all 6 goals….. he played half the game as a Cock and half as a Waitan. After the game, a video montage was put up on the scoreboard, highlighting Wada’s beauty plays over the years. Curiously, the other Waitans had no interst in watching the clips, or drinking the ice cold beers…

They all got dressed very quickly – even avoiding showers – because everyone knew where they were going, showers would be supplied. It was, after all, a Night Splash activity that was planned to close out the night. The ringleader for this jovial Japanese festivity was Shin, who hustled out of his gear in record time and got the waitans onto the perv-bus to the land of daubauchery. The Ice cocks hung out drinking all the beer that the waitans didn’t drink until 1am, probably listening to Duke talk about the good ol’ days up at Songjiang.


You stay beautiful, puck-heads! Have a great holiday from all of us here at the offices of the SHC, and Happy New Year – looking forward to seeing you all in 2017!








Posted by aaron
SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 8

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 8

Week 8: The Week of Delicious Auspiciousness


What is this thing, anyway? It looks like the lower back of every girl I met in college

Hot dang, folks! Week 8 was chock-full of lucky omens and kitschy goodness for the lucky puck-heads down at ol’ Frozen Feiyang Ice Skating Rink. With the ongoing war between the KHL and the SHC boys at a ceasefire for the foreseeable future, things were looking like they were all getting back to normal: the racks were back, the cases of beer were properly stacked, and Matt Whately – seemingly for any and every reason – was under attack. Ah yes, folks – normal. Even the regular mid-week shinny slots were back on schedule (much to the delight of our slightly out-of-shape, beer-league mouth-breathers).


Noooo, no you go! *waves* Stay out there. I need another 30 seconds.


Pictured above: The Ginger who Stole Christmas, buzzin’ some blades in the recently reclaimed exec room

But wouldn’t you know it, folks. Just when we thought this whole kerfuffle with the KHL was all over, it seems they had one last parting shot for us before they left town for good:


Rink Worker #1: “Eh buddy, she’s gushin’ right good. Looks like some fella pooched the grinder by pourin’ a whole bunch of Borscht into the hot water mains.”

Rink Worker #2: “Oh F@$k Yah Bud, you’ll be takin’ cold showers for a few weeks yet. It’ll be good for ya though – look at me! I’ve never taken a hot shower in wintertoime my whole life, and I’m good to go, ya duster.”

Rink Worker #3: *looking up from toolkit* Yeah buddy, everybody knows hot showers in winter make ya sick, ya friggen’ beaut!”

SHC: “Where the hell did you guys learn to speak English?

Workers (All Together): “Frig off, ya friggen’ rook.”

There is a silver lining here, however. The maintenance staff have assured us that the hot water will be back within 2-3 weeks. So, factoring in the conversion rate between Chinese time estimates and Western interpretation of said estimates (i.e. reality), none of the SHC members should be coming down with a cold until at least the end of the season!


But enough said about that – here’s your friggen’ roundup:

Friday Night 

Friday night was a gosh darn barn burner, folks! Action in the A league hit a crescendo as four teams were jockeying for position at the midway point of the season. By the end of the night, 25 goals were on the scoresheets and 2500 fantastically fictitious fans were on the brink of an all out riot with all the excitement that was in the air.

Hamburglars 8 vs. Fog Devils 7

For this highly anticipated matchup, legions of phony followers poured into the simulated cheap seats to get a taste of some juicy mid-season goodness. And folks, they got their Monopoly money’s worth. This shot-for-shot turkey shoot had both teams reeling as each side’s top snipers racked up the body count of bar-down dingers all game long. For the Devlish Delights, Albert Hakunna-mattata-tov picked up a pair, with Ryan ‘Big Bird’ Baerg and Danny boy Guo following suit. The lone gunman for the Dev’s was Kita – the man who I am unashamedly afraid to nickname, even though he doesn’t speak a lick of English. On the ‘burgs’ side of the fence it was Adam ‘red light’ Liu who shouldered the load, picking up a hattie and four assists for 7 points on the night. His brother from the exact same mother, HAair-on Liu potted a pair and two helpers for 4 points of his own. Not to be dismissed, Ballsaack McTrickledick tagged up for 4 apples and a gino for a 5-point performance. Kompton Collings and Shailene Wooderson each added a snipe somewhere inbetween to help hold off a revamped and revitalized Cloggy Douchebag squad. It was the least Anderson could do, really, considering he took his mechanized pizza tossing to the next level.


Anderson: “Cowabunga duuuuuuudes!”


Pictured above: Fog Devils Forwards

When asked how it all went wrong, Doggy Kennel’s captain, Hans Solo, was visibly unnerved and declined to answer, just to WeChat us 5 minutes later with this coincidentally appropriate internet meme:


The von Meister Family Motto

Beardogs 6 vs. Fever 4

The second game of the evening provided the illusory crowd with a similar level of gameplay and even some eyebrow-raising behaviour for what was originally billed as a laid-back beer league match. Maybe the players in this one thought the illusory fans were actual people who actually cared about the outcome of regular season SHC play? Who knows, folks, who knows. All we know for certain is that by the end of it players on both sides were in desperate need of a cold shower.


Pictured above: J.P. Grimard after the game

(Editor’s Note: J.P.’s been taking cold showers since 1995 – it’s his secret to looking younger)

All in all there were 13 penalties between both teams, which is only cool if you consider the SHC fantasy-leaguer’s stats that were bolstered by the brutal affair. When the players actually did have their sticks on the ice, however, some beauty plays were made. ‘Top-cheesy’ Ruiz-y was solid gold out there, picking up a hattie and dishing out two helpers for 5 points for the Baredicks. Ryan ‘I Always Play Fair-isson’ sniped a couple for himself doing what he does best – creepin’ (in off the point). Michellin-man-cock Mischell McClocklin’ even found a way to lumber his giant package into the slot for a dandy dinger of his own. As for the Fetish-lovin’ Fever squad, Huge-Taloned Thalen ripped home a couple ginos, while Triple Lutz Custard banged one home. Maximillian WendoIgettoplayagin? Was good for a goal of his own before getting fed up and going home early.


Pictured above: an irate Custard Pie, ‘spinning out’ after one of his teammates gets ejected from the game 

Saturday Night

Hamburglars 8 vs. Beardogs 6

Well, if the Hamburglars didn’t get an early Christmas gift Saturday night, then we ain’t named the Shanghai Folly Chub! By the halfway point of this game, the ‘burger boyz were up 6-1 and looking to take it easy in the second half. But, and this is a big but (huh huh), that’s when the Beardags‘ very own Swisher Sweethands, Patrik ‘No Autographs Please’ Ruiz decided to keep the puck to himself for a while. The score pretty much evened out after Boston Dan took off his knee brace and decided to give a much needed spark to his flea-ridden dog pack. That’s right, folks, it turned into another goddam football match (American football, ya friggen’ idiot) with both teams scoring at will.


Pictured above: A-Aron ‘Rock n’ Roll hoochie’ Liu decides to forego the usual tools of the trade in an attempt to make things fair

Not Pictured: Liu’s patented hybrid visor-cage

Speaking of the dominant Liu bros, or shall we say Super Stache Bros? A-aron ‘that hair suits you’ Liu took his turn at glory, racking up a triple-triple, for 6 points on the night. Big bro, Liu #2 potted a pair and three Apps for 5 points of his own. (Editor’s note: These kids are fantasy league GOLD I tells ya, GOOOOLD!) Franck le Beautiful Skanck picked up a smelly pair of pantyhose for himself while the hottest breakthrough player of the season, Flamin’ Shane Anderson, stepped in off the point for a gosh darn ugly one. We caught up to him during the intermission to ask him about his surprising offensive numbers this season.

SA: “I think it all started back during the fantasy league draft, to be honest. You know, when I was sitting there awkwardly and all my buddies’ eyes were pinballing away from me while they made their last round picks… that really hit home. I thought to myself, you know what, I’m going to make them regret this – it was the biggest chirp of all. Friggen’ Slaney got picked and he only plays once every 6 weeks for chrissakes! I knew I had to score at least more points than Pipski, and if I can do that, it’ll be a good season. Adam’s crushing it this season though, so there’s that.”    


Pictured above: The fantasy league

Not pictured: Anderson

For the Beerdicks, Dan ‘Soul Patch’ Woahbeyotch was on fire himself, ripping home a hattie and two assists for 5 points. ‘Payin’ the Late Fees’ Ruiz, who has a habit of waking up in the second half, was good for one, but better for three helpers for 4 points on the night. Ryan ‘This ain’t a charity-son’ ripped home a goal and chalked up an assist. And Ol’ Fumey Humey capitalized on a beauty set up to round out the slug fest.

Gingerbeards 3 vs. Night Splash 2

In what was billed as the “Battle of the B League Basement” the SHC faithful were treated to an epic clash between the Gingerbeards and the knight splash in game two of the ‘Bottle Night Bash.’ It was a contest to see who could take the most shots without hitting the back of the net – The Gingerbeards lost.


(Editor’s Note: BO sent me a box of 4oo fortune cookies this past weekend)

Ice Cocks 3 vs. the Chiefs 0

Ice Cocks beat the Chiefs 3-0 with 2 goals from Mark Cobbett and another by Tommy 中山. Majestic Midori had 2 assists while 2nd-year Ice Cock, Wada ‘Make my day’ Masakazu, had 1. It was Wada’s last game in the SHC as he has been recalled to Tokyo for  behaviour ‘not in synch with’ what his company’s code of conduct dictates: A minimum of 4 weekly visits to KTV. Bergman (on the Chiefs) also played his last game in the SHC, but sadly didn’t get any points.







Wada Beauty!

Fever 7 vs. Fog Devils 5

After an eventful and disappointing 6-4 loss to the Barebottoms the night before, the Fever came into Saturday night’s tilt with the Fog Devils looking to end the first half of the season on a winning note. The Fever, who were missing 5 key forwards: ‘Mad, but working on mellowing out’ Max Wendelin, Brad ‘Da Beauty’ Newly, Mike ‘Mchustle Nuts’ Mckevitt, Jared ‘Fogle’ Scotchmer, and Jake ‘Locker room All-star’ Goodwin, had to get creative in filling out the lines, so they called up defensemen Matthew ‘Just Chap it in, Just Chaaaaaaap it in’ to play wing for the first time all season.

The move by wildly uncoordinated ‘General’ Custer could only be described as Babcock-esque as, after a slow start in which they were down 3-1, Chappers (4 assists) and the Fever responded. (Editor’s Note: The Leafs aren’t doing that well)

At the start, the Fever were led by, Hugo ‘Does it have Thalens?’, who almost single-handedly beat the Fog Devils. Huge-O scored the Fever’s first four goals, with his fourth knotting the score at 4 early in the second.


Pictured above: The Fever’s top line

After a Fog Devils’ goal to make it 5-4, the Fever’s second line of Kevin ‘Hank’ Hill, The Clutz-ter and Mike ‘Cous-Cous’ Cousineau finally converted on one of their many chances to tie the game on a beauty of a goal. On the play, Cous-Cous faked out the entire arena with his wicked slap pass across the slot. Inspector Clouseau, who was also convinced Cous-Cous was shooting, somehow managed to get his stick out just in time to deflect the shot into the lower right-hand corner of the net past a completely befuddled goalie.


“Sometoimes I solve deh chrimmmme by eh mistaaaahhhhke”

Honey nut Clusters added the game winning goal on the next shift on a shot from the top of the slot that benefited from great screens in front of the net by Cous-Cous and Hill. ‘Looks Great in Rayon,’ Graydon Tullis added an insurance goal to ice the game for the Fever.



Directly Above: Custer’s patented follow-through

Other noteworthy tidbits from the game include Heinz ‘Marxist-gout’ not taking any penalties, and Marxgut along with Martin ‘Skarin is carin’ and Brian ‘Vapin’ while poopin’ hard’ Pippard playing a great game on D for the Fever. One would think that after scoring 4 goals that Huge-O would have been the Fever’s game MVP, but, in a shocking post-game twist, Graydon ‘Durex’ Tullis took home the honors by supplying the team with celebratory post-game eggnog topped off with freshly grated nutmeg (see below). Merry Christmas!


(Editor’s Note: I hope that clicking on the gif below makes it work, I don’t know what the Hell I’m doing)



Posted by aaron
SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 7

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 7

The Skinny:

Welcome back, folks! Week 7 was one heck of a doozie for the SHC community: we drank a lot of American Beer, stole a bunch of Russian pro’s gear, and – in a move that surprised everyone – even managed to spread a loving dose of family-friendly Christmas cheer. Needless to say, the phones have been ringing off the hook down here at the offices of the SHC with reports on all of the hockey-related goodness that’s been goin’ on around Shanghai.


Pictured above: the offices of the SHC (Barry Roe’s guest bathroom)

Not pictured: Exec team litter boxes

Admittedly, the most buzz surrounded the SHC’s most eagerly anticipated event of the season, the arrival of NHL superstars Pavel ‘Make Dat bootie go Clap-syuk’ and Ilya Koval-chuk-Ah ‘Ooga Ooga Ooga-Ah chuck-ah’ (Blue Suede, ya friggen’ beaut!). Much to our surprise, news came down the grapevine at the beginning of the week that the SHC would be given a windfall of 50 free tickets to the star-studded match. Sources say this move was intended to serve as an olive branch to signal the end of the ongoing Battle Royale taking place between the KHL execs and our very own J.P. ‘Grim Reaper’ Grimard, Jimmy ‘The Body’ Scotti, and Kevin ‘Teenie Weenie’ Martini.


‘some people resent their nicknames, others embrace them. Then there are those among us who literally own them. Congrats on the new franchise, Martini! Shanghai’s only red-headed stepchild, one-stop ginger shop!

Unfortunately, SHC team members: Matt ‘I need to get back into Shape-ly’, Barry ‘I just got KO’d’ Roe, Shane ‘not my face, that’s my meal ticket’ Anderson, and Cole ‘I’ve discovered other, more spiritual, avenues of conflict resolution’ Paterson were all eliminated early on in the Exec-on-exec-team brawl.


Pictured above: Coley P – eschewing all forms of violence, and sleeves

Luckily for our SHC community, the savagery came to a standstill as Scotti ‘Too Hottie’ single-handedly chased the rest of the Ruskies out of the rink sometime after the 36th hour.


 ‘that’s my secret, Cap – I’m always wearing bike shorts’

But enough about our problems. Here’s your roundup:

Monday Night (28th Nov.)

Ice Cocks 2 vs. Gingerbeards 5

Gingers Rejoice! After celebrating the opening of Kevin Martini’s newest store, the Gbeards racked up another W last night, kicking down the henhouse doors and stealing the rooster’s eggs (Editor’s note: Roosters don’t lay eggs – BO’s basic understanding of biology never ceases to amaze). It started early when one of the notorious “potbelly D” on the beards, none other than “Dennis the Menace” Larcombe, slammed in a greasy clauper* from the blue line early in the first.


*A subsidiary of Teenie Weenie inc.

That was followed up by 3 more unanswered points from ‘Frenchie’ Magnon, the “Boomtown Rat” Trevor “Boomie” Lai, and Jim “I will choke you with my arm sling” Scottie. A special shout out to cocks goalie, Chris ‘Cock Blocker’ Purnell for his dandy dish in front of his own net that allowed Scootylicious to put the biscuit top shelf, where Ol’ farmer Duke keeps the corn feed… and his copious supply of salt.


Pictured above: Barry Duke

The Ice cocks pecked away throughout the game trying to find the back of the Chicken coop unsuccessfully until about halfway through the second when Mark ‘I say, I say, Boy… Fog Horn Leg Horn’ Cobbett potted two in a row in in an attempt to keep the cocks from ending up as “rotisserie grillers” at Boston Market. Alas, it was not to be as the as the Beards’ ‘little Napoleon’ Magnon cracked one in off the post with a few minutes to spare, sending the cocks off to the butchers (editor’s note: the picture BO sent for ‘cocks + butcher’ was definitely NSFW).

Lowered Expectations 2 vs. Night Splash 1 [s/0]

This game marked the second time this year the ever-so-glorious Beauties in black squared off against their ‘little brother’ yellow nemesis’s. Since the LowEx squad were on the receiving end of a total ass kicking during their first match against the Night Splash, fans were expecting a regrouped and hungry team; however, the reality was absolutely different.


“C’mon guys! Somebody has to get on the ice to take the faceoff. C’mooooooonn! 

That’s right, folks: the LowExers were taking it pretty hard and heavy all night long! It was like a race between Dennis Larcrombe and Usain Bolt, and we can all imagine what that looks like. Right from the puck drop, it was wave after yellow wave crashing into the LoEx’s zone, with their top line of, Matt ‘don’t berate me’ Whately, Jay-league McKelvey and Yota ‘the Scrotum’ Tanabe making the LowEx players look like fools in their own zone. It seemed like fathers against sons out there, for crying out loud.


If there were ever a photo that perfectly captured the sentiment of ‘Lowered Expectations’, this is it

However, as fate is a fickle bitch, LowExer’s got on the board first when Billy ‘shortbus’ Longstreet batted one in. After that, the Splash showed no mercy and rallied by keeping the puck deep in the LowExer’s zone for what seemed to be an eternity. Only some good puck-luck and 5 black jerseys in front of the net kept game 1-0 until 5 minutes before the end, when a sloppy play allowed ‘Righty-Tighty’ Tanabe to score the equalizer. The rest of the game-plan for the LowExer’s was basically “ice the fawkin’ puck”, which was really all they could do.

Nothing major happened in OT, so it was shootout time. The Night Splash lined up with their best of the best; however, their poor performance and the LowExer’s ‘X-Marks-the-Spot’ Qin’s soft hands made the game 2-1 for the Lowered Expectations. Both teams want to forget about this one as fast as possible folks, but first, something you’ll never forget:


“When you hold meeeeee, in your arms so tight you let me knowwwww everything’s all right”

Tuesday Night (29th Nov.)

Chiefs 3 vs. Night Splash 1

Tuesday night started with some fairly straightforward line shuffling as the Bergie (that was suspended for punching a guy) showed up late, while the Bergie (that didnt punch the guy) made it just in time. The decision was made by the Wuggi to have the Bergie (that didnt punch the guy) and the Eddie to form a Wuggi-Bergie-Eddie line until the Bergie (that Punched the guy) could join the usual Wuggi-Bergie-Bergie line… minus the Eddie. But! Before the Eddie departed the Bergie and the Wuggi, he fed the Wuggi-monster, who deked the goalie for a sick snipe. Still with us? The Wuggi then joined forces with the Bergie and the Bergie, to fight off the Suzuki, the Usami and the Nakatake, scoring another two beauties in the process. Great D from the Mushy and the Seavy kept the McKelvy and the Whatley from getting too giggley.


Pictured above: ‘The Bushy’

Ice Cocks 1 vs. Lowered Expectations 0

In this snusfest (huhuh, see what I did there!) we saw two teams go at each other in what was objectively a boring affair. The real action happened in the scorekeeper’s box, where a drunken Wookie Wugz couldn’t help but chirp over the microphone while gameplay was still pretty tight. Reports suggest that it’s possible that Oogie Boogie Wuggi was a bit lit up at the time, and there’s plenty of evidence to support that claim:


Pictured above: Datsyuk’s gear stall. Keen observers will note he has two of everything

Pictured below: An SHC ‘beauty kit’, you’ll also see two of everything that matters


As expected, one of the Lowered Expectation beauties (also possibly whilst wrecked) approached the box at the end of the game to engage in a gentlemanly discourse with the offending parties. In the end nobody got hurt; snus pucks were exchanged, and we’re all still one big happy – albeit ugly – family.

Friday Night (2nd Dec.)

Fever 5 vs. Fog Devils 3

Friday night started with an entertaining affair featuring two teams hungry for a win and looking to prove themselves. The Fever, after a strong start to the season, decided to take a two-game nap and were looking to get back on track. The Fog Devils, on the other hand, who have now safely secured the first pick in the mid-season draft, decided it was finally a safe time to bring a full team to the game and attempt to break out of their season long slumber.

The first half was a back and forth affair with both goalies (Wayne Brettzky and Barry Shotz) making big saves for each team. It was the Fever that got on the scoreboard first as ‘Mad’ Max Wendelin scored on a slick backhand goal. Later in the frame, ‘Captain’ Custer added to the Fever lead as he and Kevin Hill found themselves on a 2-on-0 inside the hash marks. As is SHC policy, one of the generous Devil defenders was given an assist for tossing up a pizza.



However, after going down 2-0 the Fog devils showed great heart and battled back as Danny “Yes, I am still in the league” Guo made a great play to Kita who finished with a beauty of a clauper from the top of the slot. Not be outdone, Brian “back the size of Baltimore” Pippard responded with a top cheddar slap shot of his own from the point to reestablish the Fever’s two goal lead.

The second half featured more of the same as the teams exchanged goals and scoring opportunities. First, Frank ‘Ze Tank’ Schmidt blasted one home for the Fog Devils from the slot. The fever answered when Mike “McHustlenuts” Mckevett earned a well-deserved goal, banging in a rebound off a Kevin “Best referee in the League” Hill shot. Shortly thereafter, the slimmer looking Jared “Jenny Craig” Kubas made the score 4-3 with a slapper of his own from the left the circle.


“You guys are just sayin’ that cuz you have to”

“Noooo, no, Kubie! You look great, man.”

“Yeah, buddy – whatever you’re doing, it’s working”

“Ohhhhhh I love you guys. Bestieeees with Testeeeees!”

The game remained 4-3 going into the final two minutes with the fog devils applying constant pressure. But alas, it was all for naught, as ‘Mad’ Max Wendelin ended the game the way he started it, with a goal (empty netter) to ice the win for the Fever.

Hamburglars 1 vs. Dirty Blues 5

After the Fever’s win, it seemed like just another Saturday night at the rink, and everything was looking up for the Hamburglars. Jovial laughter abounded in the locker room, and there was nary a worry in the world. Hamburglars’ 17-year-old Chinese-speaking forward, Joey Goo was even happily conveying his excitement at having met Pavel Datsyuk through pure mime and charades!


“I hed Two jocks in zat stall. Vhy are you vearing one?”

*shakes head nervously*

“Nyet! I can zee the bulge in your pants!” 

*looks down confused…. then smiles awkwardly*

Then something unexpected happened…

Barnaby: “hey, does anybody else smell barbeque sauce?”

Liu #1: “Yeah, yeah I think I do”

Antti: “Oh no…Oh God no! …that means…”

…Baritone laughter from somewhere in the distance shook the room, and an impossibly loud “Oh FAWWWK YAH BUD!” echoed down the hallway, breaking everyone’s concentration. Everybody in the league knew what that laughter meant; it heralded the arrival of  none other than ‘Dimebag’ Darryl Slaney, who was ready to return to the SHC lineup just in time to slather up some baby back passes and tee up some whoppers from the slot for his second game (and multi-point night) of the season.

Initial rumours suggested that the infamously illiterate ‘in-Slane in the membrane’ only showed up because he misread the schedule and thought there would be free hamburgers. Alas, it was to the Hamburglars’ demise as he took a huge bite out of their confidence before the game even began.

Gameplay got off to a quick start as both sides took turns putting on the pressure in what was initially a hockey game worth watching. It wasn’t long, however, before fate took its course and Hambies’ defender Kemp ‘why are you making me play defence?’ Collings took a puck in the mouth and had to leave the game for some zips.

An onlooking Slaney, who by this point was jealous because he was just fawken starvin’, turned up the grill and fed the tremendous tandem of ‘the silent J’s’, Jofa and Jan, who got to work on the hapless hambies’ defensive core. It all started when Jofa ‘inside, outside, all around the town-side’ Natour put on a goddam clinic, deking the jock off of some anonymous defenceman before effortlessly sniping a top corner finish on a bedazzled Barry ‘I’m gonna stay low’ Roe. Honestly folks, if you’ve ever played NHL 97 with a goalie whose rating was 32/100, you’d know exactly why Jofa was laughing his way all the way to the bench.


“Ja Ja Ja, it was easier than scoring goals in my childhood, when all we had were pucks of snus and wild sheep for goalies, Ja Ja Ja”

The tide seemed to turn in the second half as perpetual shoulder magnet, Isaac ‘McBodycheck’ did what he does best: draw penalties using his face. “But sweet Jesus, what a match!” Is what you would’ve said if the ‘Burglin’ buds could’ve capitalized on just one of their 5 PP opportunities in this gongshow of a match-up. It just wasn’t meant to be. But hey, at least Barry and Brett played sick when they were in the Dirty Snus’ end of the ice.


Pictured above: Brett Syer 

Posted by aaron
SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 6

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 6

Week 6: Intrigue Behind the Scenes with the KHL!

Sufferin’ Succotash, folks! With all the rescheduling and strong-arming by the KHL Executive goon-squad, it’s kind of hard to tell where ‘Week 5’ ended and ‘Week 6’ began. Many sources have reported that a major breakdown in communications happened when the KHL management team noticed that Kevin ‘Gin Blossom’ Martini had cut off his mullet, a heavily favoured and prevalent symbol of virility and business acumen in Russian culture. Needless to say, as a result it’s been a tough week of negotiations with our new KHL landlords.

SHC Exec

“Brother! Every time we think we’ve got this ssssufferin’ schedule fixed…”


KHL Exec

*Haughty Laughter* “Ah yes, comrade, halp me light these expeseeve cigar. Tell me, Igor, Iz there anything better than deciding vhere and vhen ve can play profahsional hockey, at the drop of a hat?” *Haughty Laughter* 


The Skinny:

Although lines of communication appear to be stable for the time being, it took a lot to re-convince the KHL exec that our mullet-less SHC fun-boys were in fact ‘men’ worth talking to. The two sides sat down for a meeting on Wednesday night to suss it out. It didn’t help matters that Matt ‘Why does everyone hate me?’ Whatley and ‘Sugar Shanerz’ Anderson were reportedly bickering over who was better at Candy Crush.

The breakthrough happened when SHC resident beauty, Cole Paterson put forward the idea for a 7-on-7 exec squad brawl. The idea was that both exec teams would fight it out to see who would own the rink – once and for all.


Pictured above: An actual thing that actually exists

The proposal was apparently well-received until the KHLers suggested the brawl be ‘Russian Style’, which, if you’re unaware, is exactly what it sounds like: a shirtless melee while wrecked on a twixer of Smirnoff, immediately after eating a pound of pickled Vobla as fast as possible.


Pictured above: ‘Russian Style’

Mostly everyone in the room was reportedly in favour of the agreement until Barry ‘Doe-eyed’ Roe’s crippling body image issues forced the SHC boys to back down at the last minute. We caught up with him later for a comment: “Okay, everybody knows I never change out of my jammies after we play, so none of this should come as a surprise to anyone. Plus, my suggestion of playing a team round of Tetris to determine the outcome wasn’t taken nearly as seriously as it should’ve been. Besides, I’m allergic to fish.”


“So then I says, I goes, ‘Hey, what gives! I grew up hockey fightin’. If I can’t jersey a guy, I’m useless anyways, ya know?”
“Okay, so that’s when you suggested Tetris?”

“Oh you betcha, bud! That’s the only other thing I grew up doin’… We had a lotta snow days where I’m from, ya know?”

Rest assured, we’ll be giving you the latest as the situation develops. For now, here’s your roundup:

Friday Night

Lowered Expectations 4 vs. Chiefs 1


‘The ‘Vape-bandit’ Briandet, out of breath on the back-check

The ‘Friday Night Lights’ were turned up to blinding intensity at the Feiyang Beer League Mecca on Friday night (Of course we mean that entirely figuratively, most nights we’re lucky if they turn on half the lights, let alone flood the ice). The evening opened with Lowered Expectations finally getting a chance to play somebody else other than the Tinder-weirds, which clearly gave the black squad a much needed boost. The boys in blue were missing their top scorer Aaron Bergman, and were woefully one stride behind throughout the game. Regardless, it goes without saying that hot guns like Leon “ Wuggi “ Li and Captain Fitz Desmet caused occasional trouble in Black’s defensive zone; however, with tallies from Billabong Street, Tony Soprano, Simon Garfunkulus, and Harvey Birdman, by the end it was pretty clear who would be enjoying the cool, clean, crisp taste of free Bud after the game.


Fitzy, doing what he does best – gettin’ low down on that flo

After the 50-minute beatdown by the bastardly black beauties, the scoreboard displayed a 4-1 victory for the Lowered Expectations. Official post-game interviews on CCTV5 showed a relaxed and confident bunch of Low Exers, many of whom were just happy to have survived another hard but clean battle without any further injuries. Rumours circulating after the game suggested that Chiefs player, ‘Rowdy Robbie Peeper’, somehow managed to shotgun three aluminum bottles of Bud before punching a hole in the wall. It should be noted, however, that nobody could verify the whispers as the entire Chiefs squad had relocated to Suzuki’s favorite KTV in the Japanese quarter of Shanghai for a team discussion and couple of oldies from Pat Boone.


 A curiously tame Billy ‘shortbus’ Longstreet watches the play unfold, like the gentleman scholar he has become

Gingerbeards 3 vs. Night Splash 2

The Gingerbeards and Splashers went head-to-head on Friday night in a tight battle of checking and puck luck. As most members of the Gingerbeards are in fact suffering from every degenerative eyesight disorder known to man, the details that came in were a bit sketchy, to say the least. Captain ‘Braveheart’ Brian Olrich had this to say: “Well, ya know. We went out there and gave it our all, so, you know, we didn’t leave anything out there on the ice. I mean, Yeah, We brought it all out there. And then we… spent it up and… whatever Anderson just write the stupid thing and make it sound friggen’… schooly and wordsy. Stop Wechatting me, I’m trying to eat dinner and the wife thinks you’re another woman, which you basically are. Go to Hell.”

Marty McSorepinky of the Fingerbarbs was good for a pair on the night, while Kevin ‘Sweety’ Martini drove the dagger home late with a clapper from  hell. “Yeah that was me,” he commented. “I just did what I do best and closed my eyes and let the ol’ stick do the work. You young guys are idiots for skating around so much. Just shoot the damn thing! It works for me!”

Apparently, Angel ‘Fine I’ll do it myself’ Wang potted a pair for herself with some help from Jay-Jay McLovin’ for the Splash nation.

Saturday Night

 The Hamburglars 6 vs. Binqiu Beardogs 3

In what was expected to be a repeat of last weekend’s matchup, when the Beardogs handily defeated the ‘burglin’ bunch (go read the roundup, you friggen’ beauty), the max capacity crowd was delightfully surprised to witness a textbook display of retribution.

Early play was fast-paced and packed with crisp passes at both ends of the ice. Especially in the Hamburglars end, where Shane ‘The Humanitarian’ Anderson decided to get into the holiday spirit a bit early, sending over a perfectly placed puck to opposing player, Thomas ‘the Tank Engine’ Yulzari, who was standing all alone in the slot. In a post-game interview, Yulzari had this to say: “I… couldn’t believe it. I’m not used to getting passes that nice, even from my own teammates. The only thing that ruined it was somebody yelling ‘PIZZAAAHHH’ right as I sniped top cheddar.”


Actual still shot from the game. Pictured above: Anderson after his atrocious giveaway. Definitely not coach Bombay

Luckily for the ‘burglin’ bros, twin beauts Adam and A-Aron Liu dismantled the play in the neutral zone and turned the game into an absurd number of odd-man rushes, sparking a pattern that would keep the Beardogs on their haunches for the rest of the game. Each of the Liu’s skated away with a pair of goals. ‘The ShawFranck Redemption’ and Isaac McTrickledick also potted one each. Handy Anderson also walked away with an assist on the scoresheet, even though he didn’t assist on any of his own team’s goals…


Team Iceland from D2: The Mighty Ducks? No. That’s Aaron Liu right there in the middle, you friggen’ beaut

There might have been a chance for the Binqiu Bastards to turn the tide late in the game, but most players were just too exhausted. You see, before the game – in a ‘This is China’ moment – a section of glass shattered when Adam ‘you’re my boy, Liu’ skated as hard as he could at the boards before he realized he didn’t know how to stop. Then, to make matters worse, a replacement pane exploded when Popeye Pipski decided he would lend his strength to the struggling rink crew by deadlifting the entire rear section of the end boards. Regardless, Binqiu beauties Dan ‘YOLO’ Wolo and Franklin D. Frankincense had enough left in the tank to snipe one each.



Luis Mendoza from D2: The Mighty Ducks? Wrong again, idiot. That’s Adam Liu. Crashing into the goddam glass


The Dirty Blues 1 vs. Binqiu Beardogs 0

Jofa scored one and everybody else got a bunch of penalties. Everybody else was too focused on the Bud. Larcombe was the real hero.


“There’s a game going on? Screw it – it took too long to replace the glass”



Pictured above: Dennis “Large One” Larcombe. Always smiling’ for reasons we hope his nickname has made abundantly clear

The Hamburglars 8 vs. Fever 1

In the final game of the evening, both sides had a lot to prove. The Fever were out to prove last week’s loss in regulation against the Bearpups was a fluke, while the hard workin’ Hamburglars were out to prove they don’t mind being taken too lightly. Lo and behold, the Liu tandem turned up the heat and wound up proving more than anybody else – they combined for 11 points in the game (7 ginos and 4 apples).

Stalwart defensive performances from ‘Stonewall’ Jackson and Kemp ‘Straight outta Compton’ Collins helped smack down a talented, aggressive, and offensively-minded top line of Brad ‘Da Beauty’ Newly, ‘Mad’ Max Wendelin, and Hugo ‘Chavez’ Thalen. ‘The Humanitarian’ Anderson was at it once again, generously misplaying the one-on-one between him and opposing D-man ‘Soda PoPipski’. After Peppermint Pipsy struck gold in the five-hole, he gave a quick interview during the commercial break: “yeah, you know *pulls a thick rip on his vape* I wasn’t sure what he was doing out there, but eh, I deked him right out and that’s embarrassing for him. He’ll be livin’ that down for weeks. We were shorthanded, too – hahahaha. It’s okay though. Shaner doesn’t get mad at me for anything I do. Not a single thing.”


Pictured above: Brian PoPipski. We have photoshopped his vape device with a soda bottle because ‘Jurassic Vape’ declined our deal to sponsor the league.

The game continued to trudge onward as both sides started taking a few liberties, and huge hits! That’s right, folks – Old Time Hockey (OFYB). Luckily for the ‘burglin’ beauts, Pipski’s arms were too tired by the end of the game to continue pummeling the ‘burlars’ 16-year-old Chinese kid who had to learn a few lessons about heads-up hockey the hard way.


“Ni Gan Ma? Wei Shenme?”


Post game Bevvviesssss







Posted by aaron
SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 5

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 5

Week 5


It’s been a long week down here at the offices of the SHC (i.e., Barry Roe’s guest bathroom). And folks, you wouldn’t believe the amount of PR fallout we’ve been dealing with since the newest SHC scandal rocked us on Friday night!


The eyewitness testimonies are still rolling in, but early reports suggest that one of our very own SHC members, possibly while drunk on the new shipment of Budweiser, challenged a few members of the Kunlun Redstar KHL club to a “Finnish Fight.” Now, we aren’t exactly sure what constitutes a ‘Finnish Fight’, but rumour has it that it’s pretty much a UFC bout, just using the Zamboni snow dump area instead of a cage.


Put both your haand on the cart and push, Whatley. No wooonder I looks like I’m at the wet Tee-shirt competeeshion. Ja Ja Ja!

Regardless, as you all know: we here at the SHC condone fisticuffs of any kind. But the Finn in our corner, who shall remain nameless, apparently had something to prove. As a result, our benevolent overlords at the KHL have put a blanket ban on all SHC members from coming anywhere within 100 meters of Ol’ Finn-tastic Feiyang any time the Redstars are playing a game.


Oh look, are those the Redstar Players? Let’s Finnish up, drink for a bit, and go visit them! 

Admittedly, the incident caught a lot of the SHC North American onlookers off guard. The Swedes, Czechs, Finns, and Russians among us, on the other hand, simply shrugged it off as commonplace.


“Vat do you vant, Albert? I told you I’m tryeeng to vork here.”
“Vat!? Finnish Fight? Vhere ees it? I come at Intermeesion”

As a result, regularly scheduled games were carelessly spread across the week – much in the same way a reckless, drunken Finn carelessly spreads his stomach contents across the gutters of Shanghai.


Beardogs 5 vs. Fever 1 (Tuesday)

Whoooo Gosh DANG! It took a few weeks for it to happen, folks, but the ‘Ol’ Yeller with a Fever’ squad finally got put out of its misery. (in regulation this time!) The last time these two teams met, it was the classic A Tale of Two Cities scenario, but instead of a beautiful story featuring masterful metaphor and Dickensian eloquence, it was more of a bush-league debacle featuring a lousy bunch of dicks.

You see, a few weeks back the Swedish Berry-dogs let the first game slip away to a cunning group of cherry-picking forwards. This time around, however, the Baredicks decided to slap on the protection, restricting the ‘Fevered Plebes’ to fewer than 10 shots on the night.

Game highlights included solid performances from stolid blue-liners, J.P. ‘My GRIM-shake brings all the boys to the yARD’ and ‘Dirty’ Harry-son, who were resolute to haul down any filthy dusters who stepped over the line. Equally stingy partners, ‘Disheveled’ Neville Hemming and Matt ‘da Gat’ Hume, back stopped a group of forwards who played aggressively at both ends of the ice.

On the offensive side of the fence, the perpetually potent Patrik started the night early, arousing the fresh crowd of all-female SHC (Patrik?) followers with his silky display of passing. On one play in particular, he passed the puck to all 4 players on his line before burying it in the net – which gave the multitudes of puck bunnies something to instagram about.

Jeff MacDonald, somewhat aggravated by the bevy of beauties watching Ruiz, did his best to switch up the focus, scoring twice to lead the Beardogs offensive charge. The first, a sweet tip (just the tip) off a Harrison cannon from the point, made it 2-0. The 2nd came off the ensuing draw, as he intercepted a D to D pass (and we use the term ‘D to D’ loosely, we’re just being nice to a plastered Pipski, who was probably seeing double at this point) and went in alone, turning a 1-0 nail-biter into 3-0 lead in a matter of 10 seconds. Other tallies included Alan ‘Frankincense’ lighting the scented lamp on a nifty backhand, and Harri-Potter’s-son tucking a gem away into the top corner late in the game.

Like the Zika carrying mosquitoes that emblazon their chests, there was a lot of toxic buzzing coming from the boys in yellow.   Overheard after the game: “if the refs called every little thing they whined about, there wouldn’t be anyone left on the ice, and they were the dirtier team!”

All in all, a dominant raw-dog performance for the baredicks.


Night Splash 5 vs. Lowered Expectations -2 (Friday)

 Lo, ye have heard of Him;

Yea, He walks in the valley of the shadow of pink trim.

Forevermore known as He who sees your sin,

Yet it is He who speaks of it not.

As it is He who leads you to the den of temptation,

And He who picks up the tab —

–Suzuki, the Beauty.


Friday night was indeed a night of legendary scripture. Such a performance as hasn’t been seen in the SHC in its 10-year tenure here in Shanghai. Some speak of miracles – others of luck. Some even accuse Night Splash captain, Sochiro Suzuki, of making a deal with the devil just to suddenly acquire the flowing gait and hypnotizing poise that he possessed for just this one fabled evening at Feiyang Skating Arena.

He didn’t score any points, of course, but Suzuki needn’t do such a thing. His very presence on the ice, swirling majestically, carving unexpectedly, flailing about gracefully, was enough to entrance the enraptured crowds of obedient onlookers. His performance was valuable, nay, integral… in boosting his ‘cult of the Night’ Splashers to victory.

YODA, one of the pink-trimmed faithful, scored twice in the Faustian affair, enticing Angel-ina ‘Goal-for-me’, who assisted on two of her own before finding the twine for herself. Jay McKelvey, entranced by the sweet sweet Suzuki siren song couldn’t help but dangle his way in for one of his own, a sweet homage to his newest infatuation – his newest addiction. And the nubile Matt Whately, the innocent choir-boy the SHC holds so dear, he too fell victim to the Suzuki song, scoring one of his own and adding a helper in a fit of Suzuki-induced ecstasy.


Dirty Blues 4 vs. Fog Devils 2 (Monday)

 Everybody hates Mondays, especially the Fog Devils. The DBs showed some great teamwork against the strugglin’ for some lovin’ boys in red. All things being fair, it should be pointed out to all you haters in the SHC that although the FDs may have had a rough start to the season, one needs to be aware of their deadly potential. Led by the heroic Hansel (so hot right now) they are definitely a tough team to beat. The DBs, who were without some key beauties once again, posted some strong D and squeaked out a close win. Foggy D-lights had a sick snipe from Albert ‘I’ll bring your Snus this weekend’ Radulov and another from… number…12.. I guess? The Dirty Baaaatch snipers of this game were Harri Carri, Dr. Hide and Seek, David Dunkin’ Donuts, and Ricardo ‘what an odd name for a’ Swede. DB Captain Jansel (so hot right now) is more than happy to report that anyone on his team can snipe. He had this to say after the game:

“OH Fawk YAH, AndddyYYYY! We’re gonna have a full squad of beauties on Dis weekend, You know! Unh? All of us! Just for dose Fawking Fever bastards and Bastard BEARdogs! EH, why aren’t YOU DRINKING!?”

“Because it’s Monday, Jan…”

“AhhhhhHHHHhhhh WhhhAAAAT!”

No word yet on whether Jan’s open challenge to Fever’s Captain Custer for a “Finnish Fight” has been accepted.


 LE 4 vs. The Ginger Beards 3 (Tuesday)

In their third matchup of the season the LEx squad and the Ginger stepchildren went head to head on Tuesday night. Ironically, the atmosphere and weather conditions inside the notoriously erratic Feiyang skating rink made it the best place in Shanghai to be for this classic rivalry. Both squads were missing some key players, but that didn’t stop either team from offering a circus of enjoyment for the legions of brave Tuesday-night spectators.

The Grandfather clocks where missing their Captain, BO ‘it’s not just a clever nickname’, who apparently donated his cojones to this wife and stayed at home in the kitcen in order to get the basting just right for his roast turkey this special Thursday. Some whispers were heard in Gingers fan zone that the team might actually play a lot better since BO wasn’t around stinkin’ the place up. Regardless, the Ginger bingers battled hard and smashed out a good back-and-forth, which is to be expected after last week’s thrashing at the hands of Hellenius’ hellions.

The Gingerbeards’ first-round-overall pick, Marty McSore Pinky, scored all his team’s goals. As for the LEx Luthors, four different players, including Steve ‘it’s not a shart’ Lockhart, got their name onto the poorly filled scoresheet. Shortly after the game it was obvious that these two teams need to take a break from each other and play against somebody else for once.


Ice Cocks 7 vs. Chiefs 2 (Friday)

On Friday, the Ice Cocks hammered the Chiefs in a landslide election victory. The Chiefs were missing a bunch of beauts, and it was a pretty one-sided affair, much like the actual election. Apparently, Fitzy was all sulky afterward, which was a bit of a buzz-kill on the ride home. Cock Cap’n BD had this to say:

“Get over it, you bleedin’ heart Liberal Demo-slut! Slobby Cobbett got a whole bunch of goals and the Cock defence was aight. No need to gloat, Fitz, but you lost. You got small hands, and you lost. We’re gonna make the SHC great gain – Tremendous. Believe me.”


Ice Cocks 3 vs. Night Splash 0 (Monday)

OMG. Remember last night when like, the Ice Cocks played the Night splash and the Ice Cocks like toooootally dominated them?! This happened IRL, you dirty batches, lol! But goalies Karl and Anton were like… either really good or like really large all the time or something, and it was like literally so super hard to score. But Wada was like, “oh look at me, I’m a super ninja guy,” in front of the net – or whatever – totally whacking in a one-timer. It was SOOOOO cool. I KNOW – OH Shut UP you SLORE!

Then it was like back and forrrrth and the Ice Cocks had like, all these shots and that super cute guy, Tommy, missed the net by literally 5cm like A THOUSAND TIMES, and the Night Splash had these giant heads from beating Peter’s team on the weekend, so they were all like waiting for Angel to set them up all night, but she was like, “whatever, I cant do everything, you lazy slllllores!”

I totally think the Ice Cocks got 2 ginos or whatever from their defencemen because the forwards were like SO useless at scoring. Then afterward, wow, there was this big problem because Suzuki forgot to get beer and everybody was swearing in Japanese and stuff, except at Angel because she’s like literally Chinese and doesn’t swear.


Posted by aaron
SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 4

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 4


Well folks, the infamous “Week of Death” has come to pass, and it proved to be just that for a few teams down at ol’ Feeeeeei-Yannnnggggtastic Ice Skating Rink over the weekend. At one point, in a seemingly ironic (expected?) incident, emergency crews were called in to put out a blaze originating in the Lowered Expectations’ locker room due to a “carelessly discarded cigarette.” And wouldn’t you know it, folks – not 10 minutes after they left – the rescue crews were called back to help find frightened and disoriented rookie, Neville Hemming, who somehow wound up naked and afraid in the dark, ill-omened labyrinth that our cavernous storage room has become. Here’s hoping Hemming’s claims of being pulled into an “upside-down world” somewhere near the Night Splash equipment racks turns out to be more fiction than fact. But bad things happen in threes…right?


The monster Neville claimed he saw…


The Hamburglin’ bro he probably Did see…


Binqiu Beardogs 5 vs. Dirty Blues 4 (OT)

What a gosh darn barn burner, ladies and gents. If there was one game you should’ve made your girlfriend come out to watch this season, this was it. Actually, come to think of it, it’s probably better that you didn’t. This game had everything: sweet goals, nifty passes, deadly dangles, angry Swedes – you name it. Right from the drop of the puck this game was intense. It was a tight battle for a while, with both teams exchanging goals tit-for-tat. Janzy, Jofa, Browner, and Thorse Cock all connected on some beauty passes and odd-man rushes in what looked to be a dominating performance. At one point midway through the second half, it even looked like the Dirty Blues were going to cruise to a comfortable victory, but then some Swedish-speaking man model on the Blues’ bench decided to chirp Patrick ‘I’m gonna bring ya to your shanna na na na na na knees’ Ruiz in a delightfully mocking, yet musical, accent. And from that point onward, ‘Easy Breezy Ruizy’ flipped the switch, making a mockery of some of the best d-men in the league… on both teams… Figure that one out. He capitalized on some special teams opportunities, potting a shorty and a PP dinger to tie the game up before Ryan Harrison Ford let a clapper go from the hashmarks to drive the dagger home. The Patrick “here’s a hat-trick” show delivered lion heart Ryan Harrison a solid three goals on the night. Ruiz himself skated off into the sunset with 4 points of his own.

Luckily for us ‘normals’, the stupidly handsome and impossibly nice ‘Rowdy Roddy’ Ruiz left the rink without all of our wives on his arm.

Hamburglars 5 vs. Fog Devils 1

It goes without saying that one of the best things about the ‘burglars bench is that they’ve got 3 full lines of grinders (and ‘Grindrs’ – download the app and swipe right to find out more!). Fresh off their team-building get together at Parrot bar last weekend, the Hardworkin’ Hambies got to work fast, jamming the play in the neutral zone and picking off some ripe stretch passes – as the tenacious ‘burglars forecheck tends to do. It wasn’t long before ‘You done messed up, A-Aron’ Liu started sharing the turned-over loot with his fellow band of thieves, picking up three assists on some delicious dishes across the slot. All round good guy, Kemp Kristoffer Kollings (a decent, outstanding citizen who happens to wear a bright white helmet), was the recipient of a couple of those beauty saucers, burying the biscuit with symbolic pride. Joey ‘I still can’t drink in several countries around the world’ Barnaby continued his hot streak by potting one of his own. Not to be shown up, Foggy D’s forward, ‘Super Nintendo’ Nakata, snuck behind the Hambies’ dozy defense and struck twine on a nifty redirection when everybody least expected it. Hamburglars’ vets, Adam ‘#2’ Liu and ‘Jack Johnson’ Jackson also rocked a gino.



Binqiu Beardogs 5 vs. Hamburglars 2

Well, the Binqiu Bearbastards were at it again Saturday night, looking to end the weekend on a two-and-O tear, which they clearly did – look at the header, you friggen’ beaut. The game started off quick, with Patrick ‘top cheese’ Ruiz ripping a fricken’ laser beam through the ‘burgs defense directly into the top corner on the very first shift. Apparently Shin hadn’t even realized the puck had dropped yet. It wasn’t a good sign for the ‘burgs, who spent the rest of the game trying to figure out the dominant defensive pair-ups of: ‘if I’m lyin’ I’m Ryan’ Harrison and Jean Poutine Grim-yar-dreams, AND Jeff ‘how much of a generic hockey name is this?’ MacDonald and Neville ‘appeasement is my middle name’ Chamberlain.

Ruiz picked up a pair, while Stu ‘with or without chu’ Chan, Dan ‘I just learned how to play hockey and I’m better than you’ Wouskchziyeiek, and Will ‘no, I’m not related to Adam and Aaron’ Liu picked up one a piece. On the ‘burgs side of the fence, Action Jackson scored an identical goal to Friday’s and Franck Le Skank got a nice one, too.

Luckily for the ‘burgs, none of their trophy wives were there to watch Ruizy make it look easy.

Lowered Expectations 7 vs. Gingerbeards 1

With the biggest line up so far this year (9 players), Lowered Expectations showed no mercy to their elderly Gingers in their 7-1 victory. It was clear from the beginning which team would be pounding some geriatric ass on Sanlin’s crystal smooth ice. LE constantly got the puck in deep to the Grandfathers’ end, leaving the aged but ruggedly handsome Ginger bingers in trouble.

Scoring was started by LE’s own Yuzo ‘The Wasabi Rocket’ Tanabe in the game’s early minutes. However, Martin ‘The Miracle Pinky’ Magnan showed that hockey doesn’t need all 10 fingers by ripping the equalizer a few minutes later. After that, Captain ‘Sneaky Pete’ Helenius stepped up with two heavy boomers that changed the score to 3-1 in favour of the Black squad. The few thousand Lowered Expectations fans could hear the spines of the Gender-weirds snap. The rest of the game got rather chippy as LE continued to dominate. The ginger veneer started to crack when Jim ‘BullMoose’ Scotti started throwing bodies to the floor and pointing at his next victims indiscriminately.

The final tallies resulted in a hat-trick for Yuzo Yamada, 2 goals for Helenius, and a solid defensive effort by Rekrutiak and Longstreet (who was curiously well behaved and scoring goals like a goddam pro).

I said earlier that terrible things happen in threes… Well… it would seem that somebody crept up on Kevin Martini in his sleep and cut off his legendary ginger mullet we all came to know and love. It was shorn at some point last week, possibly on November 11th, leaving all the Gingerbeards in a deep fit of depression and sombre remembrance. 


“What the hell were they pointing at?”

“I don’t know, man. Wait, where the Hell is my wife!?”

“Hold on, let me Wechat Ruiz – it happens all the time.”

Dirty Blues 8 vs. Fog Devils 3

The DBs came into the Saturday game with some sour feelings from the Friday OT loss. After a slow start, when they were down 2:1, they eventually snapped out of the blues and dominated the rest of the game. Although missing key players such as Thor, Siggy, Dunn and Slaney, the night’s stellar performance was largely due to two nationalities: Japan and Sweden. For Japan, The B league call up Yuzo, who played on the first line with J&J (Jan/Jofa), scored a hat trick during his first performance in the A league. Moreover, the absolute beauty, Dr. Hide, scored his first goal of the season to mark a total of 4 snipes for the Japanese boys.

For the Swedish contingent, Frederick ‘The Nightmare on Elm Street’ Nyquist was flying around – like always – proving his place as one of the toughest defenders in the league (he was probably trying to work off his 3 penalties and ejection from the Friday game). Jofa proved, yet again, to be a true sniper and playmaker, and his strong leadership gave the DBs much needed support and confidence. Finally, the defensive pair known as ‘The Canadian Border’: Browner and Coley, had a strong weekend, making every forward who even thought about stepping over the line reconsider the trip. Overall, the DBs’ 3 points from the past weekend pushed them into the lead of the SHC A league. Just another strong signal to their opponents that they are getting stronger.

Ice Cocks 8 vs. The Chiefs 3

The Ice Cocks ran up the score on the listless, Leiskeless Chiefs in the midnight game on the weekend. Dyer, Aspell and Rice played solid D, giving up no real scoring opportunities and also joining in on the offence. Moving to forward, Manfred ‘Man Hands’ Ortmaier and Cam ‘Bon Jovi’ Bonspiel had great games. Orts set up ol’ slobby Cobbett with a beautiful pass from behind the net for an early goal and Bonspiel hurried hard to get one in on a greasy rebound in the second frame. Cobbet got the hat-trick plus 2 assists to pull away in the standings, while Dyer, Duke and Thompson (who had a pair) rounded out the scoring. Leon Li scored a beauty from the goal line (where it meets the boards) in the first, followed by Berg and Bergie, but it wasnt enough as the previously undeated Chiefs Fitzzled out in their first tough matchup of the season.

Posted by aaron