SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 10 and Pond Hockey Tourney



Well, folks, this past week has been packed – just packed – with SHC action. We had the Annual Beijing Pond Hockey tournament, AND a full slate of games on the docket. Just to give you an idea of just how much puck has been going on, the switchboard in Barry Roe’s guest bathroom has lit up so many times with incoming calls that our resident out-of-work Ex-English teacher, Dolores, up and quit. According to her, the high volume of reports, in addition to all the long-distance calls “from potty-mouthed Russian men continuously farting into the receiver…” put her off. So, for all of you out there who’ve been trying to get a hold of us over the past few days, we’re sorry about that. And if you’re reading this from your offices hidden somewhere in the Kremlin, and I’m sure you are… Two can play at this game, you shadowy KHL Exec Goons…


“Ewwwwwww. If I knew I had to put up with this, I woulda stayed back in Jerseyyyyy.”

But enough about that – there’s more than enough out-of-work English teachers in Shanghai to fill the void – here’s yer friggen’ roundup:

Friday Night

Lowered Expectations 2 vs. Ice Cocks 1 (S/O)

Looking to redeem themselves against a rock-solid Cocks pounding last weekend, and looking to change things up a little, Lowered Expectations arrived at the rink dressed in cultish black hoodies bearing the ancient insignia of the Boar. They then trudged in unison down into the subterranean underbelly of Feiyang in search of the old one, so as to translate his dark divinations. Foul incense was lit and a pentagram was improvised out of hockey sticks before a booming voice from the spectral depths decreed: “Low-Ex shall send 2 players north to seek re-education, and another south to indulge in the pleasures of the flesh…Let it be known”


Pictured Above: A sacrilegious Simon Pinard models the ghastly garments in his workplace

And so the Low-Ex boys, convinced the spooky prediction held some clout, hit the ice with their 7 remaining players. What followed next was a long, drawn-out night that saw a white-eyed Mark ‘the dark one’ Qin score a demonic goal assisted by the banshee-esque Chris ‘Voodoo Maniac’ Recutriak. However, a lone Cock would be allowed to score that evening, and a clearly frustrated Barry ‘Dante’s Inferno’ Duke did so in the 2nd. We actually caught up to Duke at the break to get a piece of his mind: “I don’t know what happened. I was just waking up from a nap in my usual spot down in the basement when these morons came down and started asking my advice. I told them to screw off, and half of them did! I’m fairly certain each and every single one of them is wasted right now – I can’t believe we’re still tied.” It turns out that the ‘Hellion’, Harvey He, would indeed be the ‘chosen one’, scoring the winning shoot out goal.

Saturday Night

Fog Devils 12 vs. Beardogs 7

Wow, folks. Just wow. 19 goals — though it probably wasn’t that great for the goalies’ self esteem, I can’t imagine how happy the fantasy league boys are gonna be after this one – WOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dirty Blues 6 vs. Fog Devils 4

In the next matchup, the Foggy D-Lights came out flying against the undermanned DB’s, racking up goals early and often in the first half. With the magic from their first game winding down, the first half ended with the Devils up 4-1. After the break, however, the Dirty Shoes took advantage of the FDs finally feeling the effects of the double header. With several exhausted Devils slowing down, the Blues finally put the pressure on, scoring 4 unanswered goals. They finally took the lead 5-4 after Andy ‘Grilled Cheese’ Sigfrieds fired home the GWG with 5 minutes left to play. The DBs held off a flurry of late game pressure and finally scored an empty netter with just a couple seconds left on the clock to solidify the win 6-4.

Dirty Blues 4 vs. Fever 1

Against the Fever, an utterly exhausted DBs squad played conservative defensively as they were right where they wanted to be: very undermanned (6 guys) and out of gas – which is when they seem to shine. A strong performance by both new players, Darien ‘I drive a Fiat’ Bryant, and Curtis ‘not just a clever name’ Good made waves in the SHC community. Good’s hat-trick performance, and ironman stay-at-home D standouts: Justin Brown-town Browner and Frederick ‘neck twist’ Nyquist ensured the depleted DB squad would pull off yet another short-benched upset.

Fever 2 vs. Beardogs 1

In this tight affair, the Fever opened the scoring halfway through the first period with a shortie. Mike ‘Mchustlenuts’ Mckevett showed his characteristic grit when he skated the puck into the offensive zone before making a drop pass to a trailin’ Skarin’, who after some hard work at shinnies seems to have found his legs. Since Skarin’ was already sailin’ and farin’ just well, he took a couple more strides and fired a well-placed shot that Casey wouldn’t have gloved down even if it were a cold beer.

In the second half, Mike “Mchustlenuts” Mckevett continued to carry the team, sniping a beauty of a bar-down dinger. The beardogs were, however, able to get on the board as Sigve ‘immune to Khlamydia’ Klepsvik, who was hungover as balls and doing his best to sweat it out, scored off a face-off in his much-awaited return to the SHC. Welcome back, you golden-haired Norswedanish Snus-goblin.


Pictured Above: Sigvart – The musical

Beijing Pond Hockey 

The most anticipated tournament of the year kicked off in style Friday night at the Beijing Dulwich High School athletic grounds, causing most players to scratch their heads in confusion, and others to shamelessly hit on the barely legal onlookers in the crowd.


“Hey, how you doin’?”

The ongoings of the tournament itself are a bit hazy for… well… everyone, so I’m just going to leave a few photos here for your enjoyment:


Ssssssshoe….. SSssssshhhhhooooeeee…      …Zuuuuuki





Congratulations to the Tinderwolves, who absolutely dominated the A division final to take home the cup for the second year in a row. Though they weren’t undefeated in the tournament *cough, ahem* they made an absolute mockery of the teenage squad that embarrassed the Xiao Long Bros in the semis, so hats off to them!





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