Great Ghost of Christmas Past, Folks,

The last few weeks have been chock full of holiday goodness and traditional Shanghai Pastimes, so it goes without saying that the entire staff down here at the Veiny Tiger has been getting a little too “blitzed with Blitzen,” IF… you catch my drift. 

Yeaaaaah you catch my drift

Luckily for us – after the smoke settled and the fog lifted – there were some pretty interesting Christmas carols scrawled on the office walls, so we decided to publish some for everyone’s literary appreciation and meditative analysis. And all because we know how much our league members appreciate literature:

Pictured Above: Intelligence

But enough with the preamble – let’s tear open this Christmas bitch 

Saturday, December 12th

The first meetup of the weekend was set to be a thriller the likes of which the killer on the Manhunters’ sweater was particularly inclined. The Ladyhunters were desperately searching for their first win of the season – despite acquiring league ‘Fart Ross’ candidate Jeff “Flames Retro Reverse – Gloves Only” Hritzuk, in their line up. 

The Giants were on the lookout and playing solid, despite the fact they were missing Ivan “Sleeping beauty” Tchekanskin for the first period of the game due to an overload of tinder activity and lack of sleep. Regardless, the Giants took off like a starship Elon Musk would even be jealous of. Tiger “I’m filling up the stands with my palls so I’m going coast to coast each time” Gaoscored a beaut, ripping the first one past Syer who was clearly still in the locker room. The pressure from the boys and girl in white was clear from the start and the Ladyhunters had no real answer. To top off the first period, Jan “The man in red” Jelinek received a pass up ice from TTTTiger (Who else?) and with the no-look pass of the year, set up Sander “Mister Negative himself” Vermeulen for a perfect break away. Score 2-0 at the break and that all without the NO. 1 Tinder Terror on the ice. 

(Yeah The Manhunters lost, but it’s called foreshadowing, ya beaut!)

Luckily for the Giants, after Ivan had his mid-afternoon mother’s milk, he showed up raring and ready to go. The men in white couldn’t have asked for a better opportunity to show off their total dominance over the Ladyhunters when they got a 5-on-3 powerplay to flex their muscles a bit more. With a textbook powerplay demonstration and a Wesley snipe of lethal proportions, Tiger (Really, who else?) Gao finished the perfect 5-on-3 play. 

The Giants seemed to be cruising to their easiest victory of the year so far. The Ladyhunters must have sensed the lack of effort on the other side and decided to make this into a hockey game again. The lethal duo of Jefferson Airship Tullis scored the first of the game for the Ladies who, despite not being visible for an entire game, started a late rally. The Hunt sisters also decided it was their time to shine with one of the ugliest goals in SHC history (it was gross) 3-2 with 4 minutes to play and The Ladyhuntes were bringing out the guns. Jeff and Tully had never seen that much ice time in their lives but it was all too little too late. Giants win to go in the Christmas break on a high note.

The Shams came in Saturday night “hot” on a long winning streak and they were looking unbeatable! The Caps came in off a big OT win in week 7 showing they could dance with the Devils, but now they had their biggest test of faith – going up against the Luck of the Irish! The Caps were able to open the scoring on speedy breakaway from their star Sebby, but The Shams were quick to fire back 2 goals and take the lead. The Caps, however, grinded it out and their 3^rd line stepped all the way up to jam one through the keeper! Kevin Mao had tied the game up 2-2 to keep the faith! The goalies were playing exceptional and keeping both teams in it. One massive breakaway stoninig of a floundered Mike Walsh by Barry Bee Gee Roe had everyone screaming bloody robbery. 

(Editor’s Note: appropo, considering it’s his birthday and all)

Now, late in the game, The Caps got back-to-back power plays, but were unable to register. Things were looking grim when The Shams got a power play of their own, but The Caps wingers had been staying tight to The Shams star D boys all half and not letting them control the game. With time winding down and under 1:30 left in the game, a miracle took place when “to borrow from Peter to pay Paul” paid off with a goal of biblical proportions! Karam had put The Caps up with a 3-2 game winner! The Caps then got the insurance goal to end the night 4-3, climbing up as a 500 club.

Sunday, December 13th 

It finally happened, folks! The Manhunters won a game in regulation.  (Editor’s Note: Looks like Sheldon’s Delicious Christmas Season Auspiciousness prediciton in Week 6 actually came true!) 

Now, it’s only fitting that we recap the game action using the meme dump the Manhunters submitted instead of a write-up, as nobody on The Manhunters squad is halfway literate anyway, and “meme” seems to be the only language this bunch of troglodytes understands. So enjoy:

Just like Christmas morning, Sunday was a night where anything could happen: David “don’t call me white*” Lin got a point, the Eagles beat the saints, Barry lost his phone, even the f**king Manhunters got a legit win (and it came from people whose names don’t rhyme with ‘chipmunk’ scoring all their goals for once). 

*That’s a NOFX reference, ya beaut!

Unfortunately for the Eagles, the Miracle on 34^th street ended around 9 pm and the Ice pulled even at the top of the league by doing what they’ve become best known for, beating teams while short-handed. Player of the night here goes out to Vic “I love fountain pens” Mui and his 4 apples which he miraculously managed to get despite spending a solid ¾ of the game sliding around on the ice pretending there was a sniper trying to take him out. For a guy who just learned how to skate, he showed a lot of heart out there getting the job done. 

Santa, can you get Victor’s skates sharpened for Xmas?

“Gentleman” Jim Burgess continued his torrid pace as well, sniping a beauty with a change-up that would have made Trevor Hoffman proud. Sadly, it was one of the cleanest pucks he’s fired all year but who says speed matters. We can’t discuss this game without taking the time to mention “Comrade” Jamil, who managed to pull off one of the most Russian hockey moves in history, showing up 5 minutes into the final period, offering no apologies, and then netting 2 points. This man knows how to be quick and efficient, well quick at least. “Firin’” Fred Lee had a solid game up front and we are confident that if the net ever stops moving, he’s going to be adding his name to that scoresheet soon enough. Oh, and Gale got a hat-trick. Overall, a solid way to head into the Christmas break for the Ice who will be looking to pick that momentum back up in 2021. 

We’re going to wrap this Christmas present up on a slightly more serious note by offering a huge thank you to the Execs for everything they do keeping this league running smoothly (well running at least). Merry Christmas you filthy animals! (Editor’s Note: the audacity of this jabroni…)

standings and stats

Well folks, it’s Christmas Day and I’m sure you can only spend so much time staring at your phone instead of your in-laws’ gigantic false smiles. So suck it up, put your goddam phone away, and join the Christmas fray. Merry Christmas, you idiots.

Jesus, Mary and Judas, folks – week 7 was a doozy!

Pictured Above: Pizza Christ (R) and Jeff Goldstein (L) 

Clearly, the excitement for the Christmas season down at ol’ Feiyang this past weekend was palpable. We were actually inundanted by the hundreds of riveting reports of game action and were even surprised to see a few adorable letters to Santa that somehow got mixed in with the delivery (more on that next week). 

Fans and players alike were also happy to start seeing the positive results of some SHC-sponsored referee clinics we ran a few weeks back at the Massé Gastro Lounge:

Pictured Above: The Skärin Method in action

Ah yes, nothing but good calls and good toimes this week, folks. But enough about that. Let’s get into the nitty gritty.

Saturday December 5th

Giants 1 vs. Ice 3

Looks like The Shanghai Ice’s new mantra, “Less is more, unless it’s pubic hair” is serving them well, as they won their second in a row with only 7 skaters. The Ice got the ball rolling when Nakata Poo-Caca unwisely listened to goalie and resident MENSA member, Barry “Mensa-Roestration” who loudly told him to, “pass the puck directly up the middle of the ice, it’s never a bad ideaaaa!” 

Pictured Above: A moody egghead you can trust

What they didn’t account for was the lateral mobility and overall athleticism of Brian “Pissed Off” Christoff who came out of nowhere to pick off the pizza and fire it bar down on the irritable and stomach-cramped Barry. Not even a screen on the shot, folks. Just pure ol’ American horsepower. 

The Ice continued rolling, rolling, rolling (Limp Bizkit style) when Lithuania’s number one prospect and animal sex offender, Alex “I did it for the Nookie” Gale circled the net a few times before calmly sliding the puck across the crease to the Russian Jamilla “Vanilla” Ice. 

Pictured Above: Russian Vanilla Ice (I think)

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it….and so a few minutes later Alex “True Story: I’ve Fucked a Quail” Gale repeated the move before calmly slipping the puck across the crease to the world’s slipperiest Chinese teenager, Sky “that description makes me uncomfortable” Skyerson. 

Some credit should be given to the goalies as Barry made up for his earlier mistakes by absolutely robbing Local DJ4U2NV, a.k.a. Sander “The Belgian Bass Blast” Vermeulen on a breakaway that turned out to actually matter after Nakata fired one short side later in the period to get the Giants up on the board. Brett also played well – but let’s be honest – no one cares what he does unless he breaks a stick. 

“Saving games. Saving lives. And breaking sticks. It’s all in a day’s work for a beer league goalie.” -Brett Syer

Shoutout here at the end to Brian, as his goal turns out to be his first one EVER in competitive (and we use that term loosely) hockey. Congratulations!

Manhunters 2 vs. Shamrocks 3

Saturday’s second game featured the league-leading Shamrocks and the basement-dwelling Manhunters. Notably absent from the lineups were the league’s top two scorers on the year, the Shamrocks’ Michael “I wanna dance with somebody (Who loves me)” Walsh and the Maneaters’ Jeff “Dancing Queen” Hritzuk – both CHOOSING to miss this (meaningless and frankly pre-determined) game to attend a work-sponsored dance. Admittedly, both were missed, as each brings superior skating skills, hockey sense, and transitional capabilities to a league that often lacks any identifiable qualities or sense of etiquette.

Pictured Above: The Macho Man SHC Savage

Minutes after their 3-2 win, the Shamrocks’ notoriously outspoken and crude, Chris Im could be heard in the media scrum lamenting the lack of Shamrock talent on the night: “I had to put these assholes on my back all night. I mean, learn how to take a pass already, you scrubs.” When asked about the absence of Walsh and how it affected the ‘Rocks, the walking embodiment of locker room cancer continued, “I don’t give a rat’s ass about that guy. Let him dance all fucking season for all I care. Now eat a dick, all of you. Oh? Not sure how that works – here, read up!” 

(Editor’s Note: I’ve heard some foul-mouthed braggarts in the locker room over the years, but this Im character takes the cake)

Im led the Shammies with two goals and was literally the only player in green to touch the puck all night. Their other goal was notched when the rebound of an Im clapper went in off of Diamond Dennis “Large One” Larcombe’s diamond-studded cup:

The Maneaters answered with goals by Sheldon and Graydo to make it close for a hot minute there.

Sunday December 6th 

Giants 6 vs. Eagles 2

For their second game of the weekend The Giants faced The Eagles in their first showdown of the season. Coming off a tough loss the night before, every Giant was looking for redemption. Nobody knew that The Eagles had a surprise up their sleeve with Alex “The Meatcleaver” Cleveland, who stepped up to reinforce the already wounded Eagles. 

However, This wasn’t enough to slow the Giants’ fast start, as they scored two quick ones out of the gate to take the early lead. First up was Ninja Nakatawith a hacky wacky (the correct term for when a player just whacks the shit out of a goalie till the loose puck goes in). Soon after, the Japanese contingent of Fumin‘ Fumiaki and Yoko “Yahs Queen” Mitani connected on the back-end, feeding team captain Sander for his patented Belgian Boomer over Casey’s shoulder. Early reports say that had it not been for all the sustained damage to Westergaard’s eardrums from the repeated shellackings he’s sustained this season, he might’ve suffered even more hearing damage from that bar down zinger. 

“The cold beers also help keep the swelling down” – Casey, probably

In the 2nd, Tiger the beast Gao clearly had had enough of the mediocre shit we pass off as hockey. He railed two beauty coast-to-coasters that singlehandedly pulled the rug out from underneath anything that was coloured yellow. Ivan the Terrible tallied two of his own to add to his legendary kill count, and put the final nails in the coffin.

Penalties were shared on both ends, although we might need to hire Martin Skärin for some more advanced training. Luckily, the volunteer ref core in the SHC is working with local agencies to establish a multi-disciplinary training regimen:

Pictured Above: Next Level Art of Seduction for SHC Refs

Fog Devils 5 vs. Capitalists 6 (SO)

Sunday night was an epic showdown of understaffed teams as the Fog Devils took on the Capitalists. The game started off just the way everyone expected with the Fog Devils dominating the Capitalists with their Harlem Globetrotter razzle dazzle passing and shooting. Were it not for the heroics of Karl ze German, the score would have been much higher than 1-0 for the Devils, who finally opened the scoring after basically their whole team touched the puck at least once before good ol’ nondescript Liam (wearing 88 as a tribute to his favourite cartoon bear) scored. 

“Of course he wears it as a tribute to meeee, hee hee. The only other meaning of 88 is now inextricably related to White Supremacyyyyy, hee hee”

Then, owner of said bear, Trev “prooobably not a white supremacist” BOOMi decided to pay tribute of his own by skating down the wing and surprising the goalie (and himself) by scoring his first goal since Trump lost the election. His team, like the rest of the world, was relieved, but also like the US, the relief was only temporary as the Devils answered right back and carried the lead into the second half. 

I mean, get a load of this game action, folks – riveting stuff!!!!

(Editor’s Note: I’ve seen curling players walk up the ice quicker than this shit show of a play)

Speaking of supremacy, all hands were on deck in the second period — and by hands, we mean Fog Devils players’ sticks, and by deck, we mean Sebastien, as the lady killers in red used every trick in the book to try to slow him down. Alas, Kid Flaasch could not be stopped and he blazed down the wing and roofed a shot over Karl’s shoulder. The teams traded a flurry of goals, including a beauty deke by JOFA and a blueline howitzer from BOOMi. The Devils looked to have the game in the bag, but the Capitalists suddenly discovered their team passing game after reviewing some first half video and worked together to tie it up at 5 and send the game to OT. In the shootout, the Devils learned that they simply had no solution for Kryptonite Karl and Casey Casem, while BOOMi continued his best impression of a Schaafsmaa by netting his 4th goal of the game before the real Schaafsmaa stood up and scored a beauty winner.

(Editor’s Note: appropo)

Well that’s all she wrote for week 7, folks! Stay tuned in the upcoming days as we’re looking forward to hammering out some good news just in time for the Christmas break!

The Chiner Games

September 22nd, 2017

Well folks, it’s been an historic week for hockey in China, let alone Shanghai. We here down at the offices of the SHC have been taking on so many calls that the switchboard blew the fuse!

(We really need to move out of Barry Roe’s spare bathroom… AND change the goddam litter)

And, you know, it’s no wonder the fans have been so amped…

Nooooooo, not for THAT, ya friggen’ beaut! I’m talking about the Summer league finals, of course!!!

(The only place in town where the beer never seems to run out)

Friday night saw a max capacity crowd down at “do the Fandango” Feiyang as the fans flooded into the bleachers ready to rock a bottle night and show their support for the SHC boys of summer. As a matter of fact, an article in the Globe and Mail recently pointed out the disappointment many were feeling after the clueless sports community in Shanghai couldn’t muster up the advertising power to fill the Mercedes Benz Arena. But let’s just go ahead and face the facts, folks: the vast majority of hockey lovers in Shanghai were saving their strength for the Friday night SHC summer showcase. The first 7 Diehard fans into the arena even received a limited series of “Legendary Dickheads of the SHC” hockey cards to give out to the young fans who were in attendance!

(Editor’s Note: LOOK CLOSER, YA BLIND BASTARD!)

eager child in the stands #1: “I’ll trade you 2 Mark Simon’s for 4 Connor McDadpants’”

eager child #2: “No friggen’ way, ya duster! He’s getting inducted into the Chiner Beerhall of fame!”

eager child #3: “Shane Gretzky’s the all-toime league leader in chirps, this’ll be worth something some day!”

GAME ACTION

By the time the puck dropped the crowd was roaring in a drunken frenzy as The Nightriders and The Bank came out flying. First half action saw The Bank go up early as “boom shakalaka” Nakata potted a dinger. Soon afterwards the crowd was on their feet as the usually disinterested Kita San seemed to reach an epiphany and decide that playing for the SHC was about winning, not just his lucrative contract. The crowd roared as he drove hard into the corner, liquidated all his material assets, and busted his ass out into the slot for a sweet humdinger of a top corn beaut to extend his team’s lead to 2.

But it wasn’t long before the Nightrider’s Monsieur Magnan, the magnifique dique himself, creeped into the slot with a slow wind up and unleashed a furious Montreal-style tourtiere into the bottom corner past the noticeably distracted netminder, Karl the Kraut. “It was really unfair,” Karl said during the intermission,

“All I could smell was that delicious meat pie that horrible little French Canadian served up. You all know I’m diabetic!”

With the score cut in half, the Bank decided it was time to unleash some home-cookin’ heat of their own. All the players seemed to pick up the pace and start contributing, but the real money shot came at the behest of “Casting Couch” Tim Cocchi, (who is rumoured to have postponed his lucrative film shoot for the evening) who scored a beauty shorty for his first of two goals in the game. “Well yeah, ya know,” Cocchi commented,

“Stuey’s been a pretty lazy bastard all summer long, and I wasn’t expecting much since he just signed that 3-year deal with Whately. Ya know, most players take it easy after somethin’ like that. So it was good to see that that outdoor music festival lit a fire under his ass and got him passing the puck for once.”

Budding business partners, “Burning Man” Stu Chan and “Shapely” Matt Whately, connected on the final play to deposit some more foreign currency into the Nightriders’ net in what would eventually end in a 5-1 victory for the banker boys in black.

(Eh, Nightriders, where’s all your A players?)

The SHC would like to thank every single person who forced themselves to eat at least one slice of the mountain of Melrose’s pizza we ordered – you’re the real MVPs. The P is for Primate, you friggen’ animals. See you all soon… Winter is Coming. In the meantime – Keep your stick on the ice!

(Editor’s Note: Would you look at these two sweethearts. 4 years in a row on the same team, going on 5; I wish I had a relationship like that)

Here we go again, Folks!

Playoffs Recap

Last season we spent the whole year down at ol’ Feiyang reporting on the game action as it unfolded, and there were a few doozies – that goes without saying. But the road to the 2017 Shangley Cup? I don’t think we here at the offices of the SHC have ever seen anything quite as intense.

Except for that time Brett “The Hitman Shart” Syer broke two goalie sticks in a row over the crossbar at a Monday shinny

Let’s do a quick recap of the playoff action for those of you who might’ve missed it: on April 8th, the year of our Lord, 2017, Both semi-final B League games went to OT, with both being decided in a shootout. And if that wasn’t enough excitement for one night, both semi-final A League games were 2-1 battles that could’ve gone either way.

So when the dust settled and Big Bad Barry Duke’s Ice Cocks squad squared up against Swizzle dick Fitz’s Bureau Chiefs for the B League battle royale, and the Slovakian-led Dirty Blues boys faced off against Boston Dan’s Binqiu Beardogs for the A League Melee, we already knew we’d be in for two historic epics that would make for one hell of a Shangley Cup Final.

We waited with bated breath for another week to see how things would unfold, and on April 15th We. Weren’t. Disappointed.

(Editor’s Note: This photo will never not make me smile)

Nobody in either locker room was ready for the electric atmosphere that was buzzing through the arena before the first matchup up the evening. Admittedly, most of the players were probably accustomed to the sparse crowds of the regular season and had likely resigned themselves to the usual cluster of passive-aggressive wives and girlfriends.

“No worries, babe, it’s soooo totally cool that I’m still here at 3:45am. No! Serrrriously, keep crushing Budweisers with your little hockey friends. I’ll waaaaiiiiiiiit” *smiles, tilts head*

What followed were two back-to-back finals that went deep into OT, proving once and for all that winning the Shangley might be one of the most difficult feats in beer league history. A special shout out goes to “Rowdy” Rikard Ivner from the Dirty Blues and Stevie “Yer Preachin’ to the Choir” Dyer from the Ice Cocks for potting the greasy double-OT dingers that ended two beautiful clashes for the A and B finals, respectively.

And with that quick recap of the days of yesteryear, we turn the page to the newest chapter in SHC history – The kickoff of the 2017-2018 season.

The Draft Party

Wow, I mean just wow, folks. When the organizers of this event called us in at the last minute to report on the party, we never would’ve imagined that the boys from the caverns underneath Feiyang could clean up so well.

Well, everyone except for this mouth-breathing prey animal

The night kicked off with a roast of the captain and exec squad from returning MC, Shane “if the women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy” Anderson. But the REAL entertainment began when the Kunlun Red Star Cheerleader squad hit the stage to spice things up a bit.

Editor’s Note: Look, I’m not sayin’ there’s a special category of videos out there that use these same generic cheerleader uniforms, I’m just sayin’ mayyyybe I’ve hovered over a few thumbnail previews that start just like this. Not sayin’, just sayin’.

After a seemingly endless onslaught of doughy beer leaguers trying – and failing – to get these beauties’ Wechats, the frustrated cluster of human cheer transformed into a giant, interlocking cartwheel and just rolled the hell on outta the place.

(Pictured Above: Tim “Casting Couch” Cocchi looks on, dumbfounded at the cheerleader mega-cartwheel)

(Also Pictured Above: Tim learning what it means to wear a green hat in China)

When it was all said and done, and after the siren song of the cheerleaders had worn off, events played out the way they usually do at the draft party:

(No context required)

All told, the evening was a magical confluence of budding rivalries and creepy advances on disinterested Chinese models – so we’ll chalk that up to yet another win in the annals of SHC history!

Stay safe out there, see you in October, and keep your stick on the ice!

Well folks,

It’s that time of year again! Yep, you guessed it – time to reveal your favourite beer league legends who will be takin’ home the hardware for this year’s annual “Da Beer League Beauty Awards“. You see, every year we try our best to keep track of the half-in-the-bag madness that transpires down at fantastic ol’ Feiyang figure skating arena. And since this year played witness to one of the most competitive leagues we’ve had in well… to borrow the words from league historian, Brian ‘Da Prick’ Olrich, “Forever,” keeping track of all the great games and on-ice heroics was difficult, to say the least.

But, and this is a BIG BUTT, Da Beer League Beauty Awards are about something more than the scoresheets and championship trophy winners. That’s right, folks, these awards aren’t about talent. No no – these awards are about what happens between the (game) sheets, so to speak.

Read on to learn more about “Da Beer League Beauty Awards“ and to meet this year’s recipients!

“The Limp Stick Award”

Introduction: Awarded annually to the player with the worst shot in the league. This player can barely get it up on the best of nights, let alone after a few Tsingtaos.

颁发给每年在比赛中打得最糟糕的球员。他甚至不能够在最精彩的夜晚兴奋起来有所表现，只是几瓶啤酒下肚独自待在一边。

This year’s recipient: Joe Seavey, EC (a two-way tie for the limpest of them all)

“The Drunken Philosopher Award”

a.k.a. The “Aristotelian Asshole”

Introduction: Awarded annually to the player who spends more time arguing about missed calls/undeserved penalties than he does playing the actual game. This player usually runs out the clock in a straight-time scenario in pursuit of moral justice, often with tragic outcomes.

颁发给每年花在争论漏罚错罚上的时间，比他真正自己打球时间还多的球员。他通常带着一身正义去与别人理论，最后却无功而返。

This year’s recipient: Max Wendelin, Brian Pippard, or Mike Custard (The Fever)

“The James Bond Award”

Introduction: Awarded annually to the player who wears way too much f@&$in’ Gucci gear on the ice (white skates/gloves, helmet cams, patterned stick tape, darkened visors, reflective helmet, etc.). This player is ready for anything: sophisticated dangles, precision sniping, stopping terrorist plots, or using his intrigue to beguile your wife up in the stands.

颁发给每年最爱穿Gucci套装的球员（白色的冰鞋／手套／头盔，球杆上花色的胶带，深色的面罩，闪瞎眼的头盔等等）。他已经为将来发生的任何事情做好准备了：深谋远虑地控球，精准地射门，阻止恐怖袭击，或者，运用他的“阴谋诡计”勾搭你家的娇妻。

This year’s recipient: Hide (silent but deadly/sexy)

“The Drunken Zamboni Award”

Introduction: Awarded annually to the player that spends more time floundering on the ice than they do standing. This could be due to skill level or alcoholism, nobody can ever tell.

颁发给年度最“勤奋”球员。他在冰上趴着的时间比站着的时间还长，也许是因为水平问题或者醉酒吧……谁也不知道到底他为什么会这样。

This year’s recipient(s): Fran, EC, Midori

“The Beer League Bruiser Award”

a.k.a. The “Gongshow Gladiator”

Introduction: Awarded annually to the idiot with the most penalty minutes (anger issues) in a f@&king beer league.

颁发给每年在非正式比赛中获得判罚次数最多的笨蛋

This year’s recipient: Billy “Shortbus” Longstreet

“The Beer Grinch Award”

a.k.a. The “Buddy F@&ker”

Introduction: Awarded annually to the player who openly and shamelessly snags 3-4 ice-cold beers out of the team bin, but never has the fu*#ing camaraderie to refill it. This is also the same person who always asks “hey, got any tape?” then goes on to use half your roll. This piece of trash can also be found on the bench between shifts, drinking everybody else’s water because he “forgot his at home.” F@*k you, buddy f@#ker!

颁给每年正大光明厚颜无耻地从球队的冰桶里拿走三四支冰啤，却从来没有半点儿友爱之心在那之后将冰桶重新装满。同时，他也会向你借烟，然后吸掉你大半支才还回来。这种渣渣也通常出现在休息区的长凳之间，以自己忘记带水为借口肆无忌惮地喝别人瓶子里的水。滚吧，混蛋！

This year’s recipient: Mark Cobbet (we know your beer fridge up in Beijing is full of SHC goodness, you duster!)

“The FYL Award”

Introduction: Given annually to the player who regales the locker room with stories of sexual conquest and general debauchery. This could also be somebody who has a perfectly chiseled set of washboard abs, or somebody who’s constantly talking about their sweet job, or even their happy home life and beautiful children. Irrespective of their intentions, this piece of shit unwittingly sends his or her married teammates into a sombre downward spiral of envy, self-pity, and life regrets. There’s nothing wrong with this player on a personal level, but his lifestyle prompts hatred for living a life his teammates simply cannot… or do not.
颁发给每年在更衣室里制造香艳事件，使得那些已婚队友产生嫉妒之心，并使他们对自我人生产生怀疑的球员。在个人角度看来，这位球员并无过错，但他的生活方式在那些无法象他一样风流的队员之间激起了“公愤”。

This year’s recipient: J-Fit 

“The Legacy Award”

Every once in a while we here in the SHC are blessed with the presence of a ‘character’ who, rightly or wrongly, leaves an impression on the community that will never be forgotten. This could be through locker room talk, on-ice antics, or even leading the charge late into the night at everyone’s favourite KTV. In some cases this award can be given to players who go above and beyond what is reasonably expected of them in order to help the league operate smoothly through the fall and summer seasons. This year’s newest award comes in the form of a trophy that will honour members of the SHC who are leaving China (for any of a myriad of reasons) and will undoubtedly leave us with a slew of painful, stinging memories that burn our collective urethras every time we think of them. Thank you for making this league what it is, you glorious bastards.

Slaney – Straight off the bat we got this prick. One of the longest-serving members of the Club today, “Dimebag” Darryl Slaney came to us fresh out of a Toronto reform school for “gifted” children. In a twist of irony, Devious Darryl landed a job teaching children how to read and write (back when teaching English in China wasn’t something you were ashamed to admit was your occupation). Lo and behold, this troglodyte’s propensity for eating his students’ glue sticks was matched by his propensity for scoring clutch goals and face-washing the hell outta anybody who had the nerve to stand in front of his net after the whistle.

A renowned character and top pick for every rep team or social event in the works, the Disreputable Darryl was usually there to stand up for his boys whenever they were in a jam on the ice, but was always there to connect the wider community after he settled down and raised a family. His efforts behind the scenes helping to organize family events and bringing everyone together will be greatly missed. Anybody who played with him will always remember him as the guy who reminds you why being on a team is so fun, and as the guy who loves his family more than anything. This league will be a hell of a lot quieter without him – and that’s not a good thing – we’ll miss your voice, Slane-dawg millionaire.

JP – Let’s talk about this goddam beauty for a couple of minutes. Question #1, does anybody even know how old JP is? Probably not. Why? Because once you find out he kills you and drains your life force in order to maintain his youthful appearance. As nobody truly knows how long JP’s been in the league, one can only assume that he’s moving on to greener pastures and a new beer league in some obscure country where nobody will recognize his angular features.

All highlander jokes aside, JP has been involved in this league for longer than we can even remember. He’s been a captain, ref, scorekeeper, exec, and even a puck bunny when the KHL came to town. When you add it all up, you’re left with the sum of a great career and a tremendous impact on the SHC that many of us will never even have a chance to emulate. We’re going to miss your poutine musk, you age-defying beauty.

BO – It’s hard to know where to begin with this bastard. If you don’t already know who Brian Olrich is, then you probably don’t play beer league in China. This guy is more than just a cornerstone of the Shanghai hockey community, he’s one of the original founders of the league itself. He’s seen more seasons of hockey than Don Cherry, and coincidentally is one of the only people alive who could don a ridiculously patterned suit and continue the Coaches Corner segment on CBC without anybody ever knowing the difference between the two.

He’s the master of the skate sharpening machine, the crafter of the Shangley cup, and the creator of more off-ice parties than any other three players combined. This gnarly old ginger has done more for this league than can be written about in a single article – you can’t really do him justice with the written word.

Just know that this sonofabitch gave everything he could to this league and never asked for a damn thing in return. He established the spirit of the SHC, and it’s the least we can do to continue to do what we can, when we can, without expecting anything other than good party attendance at a backyard BBQ.

You set a good example for the next generation of miscreants, BO. Good luck back home, and thank you for everything you’ve given – because it was a lot.

Hans –  Choo CHOOOOOOO, all aboard the feelings train, folks! This grinning sonofabitch’s laugh is something that will stay with the lucky few of us for the rest of our lives. If you didn’t have the pleasure of meeting Hansel (so hot right now), then you missed out on the best part of being a member of the SHC. Hans’ self-styled jock haute couture ensemble is something of legend around the locker room. A petty few have tried to copy his look of hacking’ darts in the bathroom with nothing else but a cold beer and a yellow jockstrap, but it’s always fallen short of the original trend setter.

Hansy’s genuinely welcoming demeanour made the SHC a place where anybody could come to play and feel at home. He was a regular at shinnies and constantly bridged the gap between the Chinese players and the English. He captained the longest running franchise, The Fog Devils, and did more for the league as a non-exec than most of us on the exec care to admit. You know, when you go abroad and play hockey in random places around the world, you can only hope you run into somebody who reminds you of your best friends back home, somebody who you know full on well understands what it means to immerse yourself in the afterglow of a well-fought game by spending three hours crushing beers and chirping the weirdo foreign guys. And in Hans, we had just that. He was a communicator, a mentor, a captain, a coach, and an irreplaceable figure in this community’s ever-shifting landscape. We’re going to miss you Hans – you’ll always be the cup to our strap.

Martini – Ho Jesus, folks. Kevin Martini, a.k.a. Teeny Weeny Martini, is one of the unspoken heroes of this league. For years this beauty sported a ginger mullet that was nothing short of extraordinary, and it was all we could do not to just marvel and revel in its shadow – its majesty. Kev stepped into an exec role when the chips were down and pulled off something only a man with a the confidence to pull of that hairdo could  – a complete turn around with our public relations. Some say it was his service in the American Army that trained him to be so gosh darn efficient, others maintain that it was his aloofness and inability to give a damn about anything beyond the next pay check. At any rate, his cheerfulness and camaraderie was something you can’t buy, something that we’re going to lack without him. Kev made this league better for everybody, both on and off the ice. We wish you luck, Martini. And keep those campfires burning brightly.

OH. MY. GAWD. FOLKS.

We like, totes made it to week 16. And it’s like, even though my parents are being total losers right now and literally grounded me for what happened last weekend. It was so totes worth it.

Pictured Above: Most definitely not the dvd cover of a plotless, 17-minute-long movie that ends in a literal climax 

*sigh* That’s right, folks – we made it. With one more week left on the schedule and the playoff matchups pretty much locked in, week 16’s games didn’t exactly bring out the ‘soberest’ of beer leaguers. Nonetheless, in true SHC fashion, we said some goodbyes in style, made some regretful decisions, and woke up a lot more comfortable with this concept of gender fluidity that these millennials keep ravin’ about nowadays. But more on that later – here’s your friggen’ roundup:

Friday Night

Night Splash 2 vs. Gingerbeards 3

So the beards went into the double header weekend trying to recover some dignity after last weekends 6-to-nothing Goose Egg against the Night Splash, aka, “Suzuki’s wet dream machine“. The night started quickly with an early shot from the right side of the ice by ‘Schitty Shotty’ Scotti that bounced off a few skates and ended up in the back of the net giving the Beards a 1-0 lead. That was quickly answered with some ‘Splashback‘, tying the game at 1. Shortly thereafter, Dennis the Menace put the Beards back up with a Beauty feed from Orville Reddenbacher’s lubbach, but again the lead was quickly answered by that pesky Splashback.

Late in the second the Beards took the lead for good with a ‘Godfather’ Goffman snipe that “sealed the Deal,” bringing Suzuki’s wet dream to a premature close. Despite a pulled goalie and an extra attacker in the final minutes of the game, the Beards held on for the DUBYA!

Lowered Expectations 4 vs. Chiefs 2

Well folks, It’s been a while since the fans have seen black and blue go toe-to-toe on the ice. The reasons for this aren’t exactly clear; all we do know is that the highly paid Execs make the schedule and we just follow it. So why don’t we just focus on the action and let the office workers do what they do best: mangle everything beyond recognition (Editors Note: F@&k youuuuu, Heleniouuuuuuuus).

(Editor’s Note: Helenius usually sends us dick pics instead of game photos, so even if it’s from the wrong game, this is better than normal)

Le Chiefs sans Fitz almost had a full roster while the ebony-black bastard squad skated without a couple of core beauties. ‘You sure bro?’ Yuzo and ‘The Master of Dark Sin’ Mark Qin were busy finding a goat to sacrifice before playoffs while Chris ‘Ow Ow, My Back!’ Rekrutiak was seen smiling away in his office while obligations at work screwed him over in ways a real man never could.

“Eh, what gives? Buddy isn’t even wearin’ a league jersey!!! Where’d you fellas pick up this friggen’ ringer??!!”

Not long into the game, fans quickly realized this would be yet another slugfest where LowEx maintain puck possession and the Chiefs try their damnedest to connect with a cherry-picking Shama and an ever-so-clever Huggy Wuggy Bear. Even with these disreputable gentlemen on the ice, it wasn’t an issue for the LowExers, who continued to play solid defense and stymy the Chiefs’ heavy guns.

The first goal was a true beauty. Steve ‘Kickstart My Heart’ Lockhart stole a puck from a Chiefs’ defender and made an amazing pass to ‘Red, White and Crue’ Pinard for a wide-open net tally. Before long, ‘I’m a dreamer’ Peter Helenius played a long, soulful guitar solo while skating up the ice and finished a hard wrister 5-hole, making it 2-zip.

(Editor’s Note: Don’t even pretend for a goddam second that you gnarly old bastards didn’t get every single one of those references)

With a couple more goals from Billy ‘The Longest Yard’ Shortbus and Spahrkplug, the game was 4-2 at the end of 50 mins.

At the press conference, we caught up with Dewey ‘Walk Hard’ Lockhart to get his thoughts:

“Yeah,  damn, I drove deep into the zone and saw the defense struggling with the puck and Yeah! I just took it from him. Then I saw Simon all open and I was like, boom! hard pass and a hard apple! Sometimes you gotta walk hard in off the point… you gotta… wait…”

Pictured Above: Steve Lockhart

We also caught up with Chiefs core player, EC:

“Oh yeah! I scored! Did anyone see it? Did my wife record it? She usually records everything, haha. Even my failures, you know? Hahaha, It’d be great if just once – JUST FOR GODDAM ONCE she’d film something positive to show her parents!”

With no further questions from the press, players re-joined their teams for little after-game cool down. However, rumours from deep in the hallways of Feiyang say EC was seen still at 4am dancing half naked in the locker room with rink Janitor, Mr. Chen.

Saturday Night

Night Splash 3 vs. Lowered Expectations 2

Wouldn’t you know it, folks? Keeping with the theme of “sweet 16″, it’s only fitting that a 16-year-old high school girl had a major impact in this battle of inappropriately titled franchises (all things considered). The Splashers managed to climb out of an early deficit with two goals from Shoezuki and Jay-League McKelvey, sending the game to OT. Then, just one minute after the face-off, the ‘Arch Angel’ ripped one home on a sweet pass from Mike ‘I better get credit for this’ Dorris.

After the game we caught up with Angel to get her reaction the game:

“I was so f@#$ing frustrated out there, bud. I swear to me mum, if that little Shoezuki $h%thead goes off-side one more goddam time I’m gonna slit his throat!”

In other, more lighthearted news, on Sunday night the Night Splash players and some Waitan alumni held a goodbye game for all round good guy, Usami. The game ended in a draw at 2-a-side, so the game proceeded to a shootout.

No bucket = old toime hockey, bud! Look at ’em! Friggen’ Eddie Shore out there!

After Karl the Kraut stoned the first two attempts, it was down to Usami, who by this point wanted nothing more than to be done with the game and be sitting in the lap of some overpriced KTV companion of the evening. While the other players looked on with breathless interest, Karlsberg showed a surprisingly humane play: the German with an unshakeable Coke addiction was kind enough to open his five-hole just enough to let Usami’s weak shot through and allow him to score. Usami was so happy that he started drinking sake like it was water. What happened next can only be described as bromance to the fullest degree of the world. However, considering this is our sweet 16 edition, we’ve followed our Japanese counterparts and have edited out the ‘parts‘ that might seem offensive.

Night Splash captain Suzuki had this to say regarding the incident:

“Some may say it’s insane for two dudes to kiss, but it’s usual in Japan. To show deep friendship we often kiss while drinking sake. If you change a sake glass to a shoe, it’s even more meaningful. In our country, in order to show respect to others we sometimes drink sake out of our friends’ shoes. I’m proud of this tradition.’

“Hey Suzuki, it’s not respectable to spit out the shoe fluid of your best buddy!”

“OH so Sorry! It’s just that I realized that the dude from Breaking Bad is standing right behind me!”

Holy Schmokes, Folks!

It goes without saying that we’re a bit late this week down here at the offices of the SHC. However, it should be noted that March is one HELL of a month to be a teacher in China…

“It’s times like these you either laugh… or wrap your lips around the business end of a shotgun”

But enough about that – here’s your friggen’ last-minute, off-the-cuff roundup:

Friday Night

Fog Devils 6 vs. Fever 2

In this weekend’s game, the lovable underdogs faced off against league menace Fever. Missing the bottom few players of their depth chart, the Fever had their work cut out for them. Despite their best efforts, and Heinz “The Hammer” Peter-Grüber’s body checks, their skeleton crew was no match for the high-powered offense the Fog Devils dressed. Danny “Mr. One-time” Guo said, “咱们今晚打得牛逼，特别是我。挺帅。” Jay “Paunch” Fit had an assortment of Turkish appetizers on the bench, ranging from dates to baklava. In between post-game push-ups, he invited reporters out to Pure & Whole for a root beer party.

“C’mon you guys, hahaha, it’s super good for you, hahahaha. Stop dumping it in the toilet, hahaha. That stuff costs me way more money than I care to admit.”

Despite a tumultuous start to the season, the Fog Devil’s high-powered offense carried them through to a strong .500 finish in the second half. Pulling up into the 5th seed and just barely sliding into a playoff position, they continue into a 4 week bye-month to recuperate, and hit the weight room for some strength conditioning. Stout RW and former World’s Strongest Man contestant, Frank ‘Atlas’ Schmidt said,

“we are excited to rest up before heading into the playoffs. Now I have time for Spring training – my collection of progressively larger boulders was collecting dust in my living room.”

Depending on results of the next few weeks, the fog Devils will match up against the fever or the surging bear dogs. Evan “The Haircut” Shen said,

“it’s been a heck of season and I’m looking forward to some apple juice.”

Hamburglars 2 vs. Beardogs 3

Deja Vu! Last weekend when these two teams met it was a one-goal game. It seems history repeats itself. Might make for an interesting playoff matchup, folks!

Saturday Night

Dirty Blues 6 vs. Hamburglars 5

Nobody really knows why it happened, it just did.

“I dunno, ya know – it always seems like every time we play against you some weird apparition is on the bench helping us out big toime.”

“yeah but it’s like, nobody really knows how long it’ll be there for.”

“Dude, Yeah. That is weird….”

“Been fun, but I gotta jet boys! I’ve got three friggen’ burgers gettin’ cold out in the car!”

Night Splash 6 vs. Gingerbeards 0

Tim ‘The Toolman’ Cocchi, who joined to NS recently went wild on the ice last night. Originally he was assigned as a defenceman, but converted to center last night. He fit in perfectly on a line with Angel and Yoda ‘If you Tanabe my Lover, you gotta get with my friends’.

He scored 4 goals in the first 20 min. Surprisingly, this 55 year-old beauty must’ve picked up a few things while living in Japan – because he’s polite as f@#k! He never showboats after scoring, opting instead to bow to his line mates and say, ‘tondemo naissu’, which means ‘not at all’.

Rumor has it that he is looking forward to going to a KTV night tour that Suzuki is planning next week, but humble Tim never put it into words.

One more thing – Satoshi Ota, a Mitsubishi banker, is a solid performer on the ice – it is known. However, when his wife saw him wearing his sexy overweight mermaid hoodie at his son’s school soccer game, she was furious. Spectators at the event overheard a snippet of her fury:

“What does ‘Night Splash’ even mean!! Don’t wear it on outside the house! Have you no shame!”

His solution to this problem was apparently simple – he smuggles it to the rink and dons it behind closed doors, where hopefully his wife won’t beat him down in public… again…

But Night Splash? Really? Dang! Yellow’s heatin’ the B league!

Beardogs 8 vs. Fever 3

Unfortunately the same can’t be said for the yellow squad in the A league. But eh —  Heavy Metal Meningitis Mike Schell was literally and figuratively sick out there – a 5-goal game can’t be denied. Must be that new ROCK ‘N ROLL LIFESTYLE he’s been livin’! The biggest man on the scoresheet yet smallest man on this ice – weighing in at a measly 50 kilos – was by far the shiftiest featherweight over the weekend.

Look out, Hugo, we got a contender over here. Come cheer on this stud next weekend at the battle of the bands at the Pearl for some absolute beauty jams.

Pictured Above: Good toimes

Lowered Expectations 2 vs. Ice Cocks 0

Saturday night at Feiyang, the Black versus the Red. Two top teams in the B division head to head. What else a true hockey fan could ask for? Of course a good quality game, which they surely didn’t see this time around: both teams were lacking several key players.

It was 7 vs. 9 players and the game itself was best described by ref, Matt Whately,

“This boring, clean, slow game was torture. There’s nothing else to say. If I didn’t have skates on, I’d have fallen asleep after 2 minutes into it. Thanks for making this one to forget, boys.”

LE was able to shut down renowned Cocks, Barry ‘out of juice’ Duke and Mark ‘second game without a goal’ Cobbett. Mark Qin starting the scoring after a scramble in front of the net, and Yuzo’s amazing wrister from downtown made the game 2-0 halfway through the first. Continuously tight defensive play kept the rest of Cocks at bay.

The second half brought nothing new to the game, and the only fun on the ice was waiting to see whether Whately would fall over trying to skate backwards.

During the post-game press conference: LowEx representative, Mr. ‘Glee’ Gary Li – who arguably played the game of his life – had this to say,

“Ice was cold and puck was black. I gotta good start to the game, and got on it very easily. Today felt good, like changing a newborn’s diaper. Yeah, we played well as a team, followed the plan and took 2 points.”

The Cocks representative was nowhere to be found, so they sent their Japanese grinder, Midori, into the mix:

“Well, I gotta say that the team wasn’t there today, I think Barry and Mark weren’t really pulling their weight. Can you believe they never passed the puck to me? I was ready to carry this team on my shoulders, but whatever. It’s sad, but I’ll get over it.”

Well Folks,

I know it’s gonna sound a bit hard to believe, but the amount of ill-fated omens that transpired down at Ol’ Unfortunate Feiyang during week 13 action was just uncanny. We had roaming packs of black alley cats in the visitor’s locker room; a mysterious case of incurable super-athlete’s foot that somehow spread to ALL the equipment racks; and to cap it all off, Barry Roe’s lucky horseshoe somehow got lodged halfway up *anonymous member’s* rectum during a whiskey-fueled mishap. But eh, maybe we can chalk it all up to BOTTLE Niiiiiiiiiiiightht, Amiriiiiiite? And even though free liquor and inauspicious happenstance do seem mutually exclusive, we’re just gonna chalk that one up to unlucky portents…

Also, just to set things straight for all you anonymous callers: no, we will not be holding a fundraiser at Cages to raise money to pay the hospital bills for all the poor souls affected by hand-foot-and-mouth fungusopalypse 2017.

We’ll get to the skinny and then some, ya gnarly bastards – just listen to this transcript that Julian, the zamboni driver, recorded when the CSI hazmat containment unit showed up to the rink on Sunday.

Sexy Blonde CSI: “Hey Stanowichz, I think I found the source of the contagion.” *purses lips sexily*

Stanowichz: “Jesus… how old is that thing? Did it test positive for all the residues?”
SBCSI: “*touches finger to mouth suggestively, face flushes* …The tests are off the charts.”

S: “Well… that’s good… Guess I’ll call in the Biohazard containment team. But uhhh, you really shouldn’t hold that thing so close to your face – we’ve got like 28 cases of the most aggressive whole-body fungus we’ve ever seen, and they were all caused by that helmet.”

SBCSI: “I know… I just… can’t help it. There’s something about the perfectly spherical shape… the rough-and-ready visor… the ultra masculine colour… *breathing heavily* who ever donned this must’ve been a total badass.”

S: You’re uh… you’re pretty high up there on the hot-crazy matrix, aren’t you?

Pictured above: The undeniable magnetism of the yellow ‘lollipop top’ seduces another unwitting victim.

But enough about that, here’s yer friggen’ roundup:

Friday Night 

Ice Cocks 3 vs. Gingerbeards 0

Well, folks – looks like Friday night was Christmas morning all over again for Brian Ohlrich’s unwanted collection of red-headed stepchildren, as they were gifted with yet another merciless beating at the hands of their close friend and relative, Ol’ Uncle Ice Cock. Most spectators were bewildered by the bastard-child spankfest, especially considering the pre-game conference where the Gingerbeards’ healthy scratch, James T. Scotti, confidently claimed that the Gingersquad “knew how to shut Cobbett down.” And if that wasn’t enough to get the Gingerminge* going, during the mid-season draft they used their executive guanxi to slide the slick-skating (and gentle by nature) Minnesotan, ‘I only wear crop-tops’ Goffman, onto their team as insurance. How could they lose, you ask? We don’t have the answers, folks. They just did. It should be noted that ‘Robo Cop-bett’ had 2 goals and an assist on ‘Bam Bam’ Cam Bonspiel’s highlight-reel goal as their line dominated the ice in the 3-0 ginger purge.

Pictured Above: The Gingerbeard fan club, a.k.a. The Gingerminge

*(Editor’s note: Never image search ‘gingerminge‘ on your computer for any reason. Especially if you’re a lazy-ass teacher searching for write-up photos at the back of a classroom full of children you’re supposed to be paying attention to)

Начальники 72 vs. Night Всплеск BYLAD! (Chiefs 4 vs. Night Splash 2)

(Submitted with approval from our friends at the Kremlin)

После жестокой строки потерь, понесенных в руках некоторых неверных западных стран, Начальники подъехала свои носки и вытирать пол с ночным всплеском в пятницу вечером акции SHC. Шама был славный. Он забил много голов звериные, которые сделали несколько друзей леди в толпе теряют разум с упоением. Клоуны, которые думали, что они выиграют в конечном итоге были сорваны товарищем Шама.

(translation:) After a brutal string of losses incurred in the hands of some infidel Western countries, Chiefs drove his socks up and wipe floor with a splash of night on Friday evening action SHC. Shama was nice. He scored a lot of goals animal that made lady a few friends in the crowd lose their minds with delight. Clouns, who thought that they would win, in the end were thwarted by friend Shama.

Pictured Above: Shama throwing some post-game shade at the Chiefs on WeChat.

Saturday Night

Gingerbeards 3 vs. Chiefs 2

So after two Doughnuts in a row, The G-beards captain spent Saturday afternoon looking for some inspiration for his ‘B-leaguered’ team. He knew there was only one way to snap them out of the mid-season doldrums that seemed to plague their every shift and shot in their last two outings.

What he found was the old stand-by so often implemented in the SHC to inspire and infuse lackluster players and cause even the meekest of players to quiver in excitement – Bottle Night!

Yes, promises of Copious amounts of alcohol – good “Ol’ Uncle Jiu.” All it takes is the sight of that trusty SHC wheeled satisfaction Station parked on the side of the rink to inspire mild-mannered Linemates to dish the sauce, and put away the biscuits in an effort to get their Drink on.

The first Ginger Gino came from none other than ‘the boom box’ Boomi Lai early in the first. A short while later Jeff ‘Hot Pot’ Lubach strolled into the crease for a showdown and sniped another pot shot through the pipes. In the post game interview he had this to say:

“Just wanna say thanks to Waylon and Willie and the boys. If it weren’t for their guidance I ain’t quite sure I’d know just how to get along.”

(Editor’s Note: Look’em up, ya beaut!)

After a brief run at the net by the Chiefs, which put one scratch on the board for the “First Nations’ boys” it looked as if they were going on the warpath. Little did they know, G-beard himself had a secret weapon he was keeping up his smallpox-riddled sleeve. It seems that sometime that afternoon while searching the house for inspiration he looked under the couch and found his shot. Yes! The ginger chin himself threw it down at the blue line and let one rip right through the crowd and into the back of the net!

Despite a late arrow to the back of the wagon by the Chiefs, the Beards held on for the 3-2 win. Things got a little temperamental during the remaining play when ‘Vape Train’ Ben Briandet decided to take run up the boards at Barbarossa himself! But despite the comical smokescreen laid down by the Vape Man, the train derailed and crashed to the caverns below.

The verdict from Judge Kitamura sent the ginger to the box, sayin’, “Train robbin’s a hangin’ offense in these Parts.”

“Make-ah NO mistak-ah. Do like this again – I will KILL yewww – hahahahaaaaa-ah”

Beardogs 3 vs. Fog Devils 2 (OT)

SHC Bottle Night was Saturday, but why wait? The Beardicks were reportedly seen making Friday night count at nearly every dive bar in Shanghai. Then Saturday rolled around and most of the cub-pups barely crawled out of bed to make the game. Add to that the last-minute healthy scratch of Polish Phenom, Kirpatrik Ruizowicz after the FD’s called in a bomb threat against his flight, and this was a recipe for disaster for the hungover ‘dog’s breakfast’ crew.

The game started like a hangover and stayed that way through the first, with no real meaningful chances at either end of the ice, though the FD’s had a few power play chances. The uneventful 1st gave way to an action packed 2nd, with the fireworks starting when the goalie of steel, ‘Clark Syerkent’, believing himself to be faster than a speeding bullet, made a dash for a long breakout pass, diving at the blue line in an effort to knock the puck off the onrushing forward’s stick. Fortunately, Ryan ‘Harri’ Houdini-son won the foot race to the open net and did his best Tukka Rask impersonation, making a magical save… only to realize that Brett ‘the Hitman’ Shart was still way out of position near the blue line (probably wondering whether it was ‘just a fart‘). Ryan then spun around like a goddam hero to deny a second attempt from his Fog Devil’s brother-in-name, Ryan ‘Hodor’ Baerg, who rang one off the post.

And wouldn’t you know it, folks, a big defensive play at one end leads to an instant dagger at the other. Newcomer, JS ‘Parky park and the funky bunch’, threw a puck at the net from a tough angle, where Mike ‘I’m coming out! …of my Schell… but only for playoffs…’ was there to bang in the greasy rebound to give the Beardogs a 1-0 lead.

Whatta friggen’ beaut

The minutes ticked away, and it looked like this one would go into the books as a low-scoring affair. Then the balance tilted. Heavy FD stick work led to a “turnover” that some crafty bastard (Hans Von hard pass maestro) used to spring Danny G-note on a breakaway, where D-Guo pocketed one in the 5-hole to make it 1-1. A few short minutes later Kita decided the “2” in his 2-on-1 wasn’t necessary, so he rifled a cannon from the high slot to make it 2-1 for the Foggy D’s with only 2 minutes to guo.

However, the Beardicks, who’ve made a habit of coming back late this year, came to form again as the ensuing draw led to a rush into the Foggy D’s end, with a flurry of activity in front of ‘I only fly Coach’ Roe. Somewhere amidst the 8-man scramble, the puck squirted loose and Warlockah-boomshakalakah-shieck tied the game at 2.

(Editor’s Note: If I hadn’t been banned from Urban Dictionary when I was in college we could’ve made this a lot funnier)

Message received: On to overtime, no need to say any more. OT + Beardogs win = Ryan Harrison, in another all out scramble in front of the net.

“Holy sweet Jesus, is that late 90’s “New Radicals” frontman Gregg Alexander?”

“nah man, that’s OT hero Ryan friggen’ Harrison”

(singing)

“…You’ve got the music in you, don’t. let. go. you’ve got the music in you, one dance left..“

Ice Cocks 4 vs. Night Sploosh 2

Ice Cocks held on to beat the yellow team in yet another close Bottle Night battle. Newcomer, Tim ‘Coch and Roll’ Hoochie Koo, moved to center and caused all kinds of trouble on a line with Jay-league McKelvie and ‘The Angel of Death’ Wang. (See below:)

(Editor’s Note: This looks like one of the best lines in the B league right now so watch out for Suzuki’s band of premature discharges come playoff time).

Luckily the Ice Cocks got great defense from Tommy Bahama Nakayama, Robert Aspell and Steve ‘Schiesser’ Dyer (who scored another goal). Not to mention the solid goaltending from ‘King Kong’ Karl in the shutdown second half to hold on for the win.

A subsidiary of Teeny Weeny Inc.

A Special mention to the 2 LTP/Shinny die hards: Mighty Midori played a strong positional game and had 2 well-played breakaways as a result (though she clearly failed to score, otherwise we’d have written about it by now, ya friggen’ beaut). Usami, on the other hand, splashed in a rebound to keep his team aroused late in the game. Good job, ya dusters!

Hamburglars 4 vs. Fever 3

Well, it goes without saying that this one was a nail-biter, folks. How else would the SHC finish off its Bottle Night festivities, with a blow-out? Nahhhhhh. After some of the tightest action we’ve seen all year (huh huh) the ‘burglin’ bunch and the ever-yellow Fever squad hit the ice with some old scores to settle. And by old scores, we actually mean the Fever trying to get a win against the Hambies for the first time this season.

Unfortunately for the ill-fated Fever, the full-body contact strategy just wasn’t enough to put the Hambies into the dirt, as the scoreboard still had the Burglars up at the buzzer.

A huge shout-out to game 17-year-old game MVP, Joey Gu, who tallied a sick game-winning snipe, yet suffered another questionable open-ice hit for his efforts.

We tried to get a comment from him after the game, but he was too busy trying to work out the meaning of ‘non-contact’ in his Casio Chinese-English translation device the other Hambies’ members bought him for his 17th birthday.

“Wo bu zhi dao… *sighs* Ta men gan me? *rubbing bridge of nose* Wo bu dong…” 

Editor’s Corner

Well folks, it’s high time I made an apology,

Most times before sending an article to the press, we here at the SHC consider all the unintended consequences our reporting might have on our beloved SHC community. Unfortunately for us, we didn’t really think ‘week 11′ through. You see, after last week’s roundup it didn’t take long for our fans to take to the phone lines en masse. It appears that many of our beloved puckheads were discontent with what they believed to be a glaring oversight on our part.

The problem lies in the fact that we gave props to the 15 new members coming into the league for ‘…making the SHC beautiful again‘. However, as a few hundred fans pointed out, the reason our loyal fanbase keeps coming to the rink can be summed up in one glorious poster:

The broad-shouldered, confident power-fold; the fully-fastened zipper emanating an essence of security and responsibility; the caesarean haircut symbolizing the strength and invincibility of an unshakable Roman empire; even the Xiaomi fitband – a bold choice that would be seen as pandering if worn by other Western celebs – all of it contributes to the universal allure and unquestionable value of our very own, Barry Roe.

Callers also brought attention to the fact that B-Roe’s acting chops oftentimes go unnoticed (largely because he only stars in movies produced in China). Below, we can see him in a promotional shot for the upcoming gritty remake of ‘BRoekback Mountain’, where he stars along side Will Smith. The film apparently follows the budding relationship between two ‘bad boy’ cops and aims to bring the masses together by ‘easing‘ the ‘swelling‘ racial tensions in the US.

“Easing swelling racial tensions in a dimly lit theatre near you”

But okay, I admit it, we were wrong, folks. The SHC was already beautiful. The last thing we want is to be confused with one of those fake news outlets. So now that that’s out of the way, here’s your friggen’ roundup:

Friday Night

Fever 4 vs. Fog Devils 3

The ever yellow Fever boys edged out the Foggy D squad 4-3 in the opening game on Friday night. Highlights of the game included Jared ‘Single Malt’ Scotchmer making it a double, racking up his first two SHC goals!! both snipes were served up by all round good guy, Mike ‘Attracted to his’ Cousineau. We reached out to him for a comment on his rookie teammate’s milestone, but he was too busy figuring out the perfect wording for his response to this summer’s upcoming ‘Cousineau Family Reunion’ invitation to give us a word. ‘MchustleNuts’ Mike McKevitt and ‘Big Macs’ Wendellin added the other tallies for the Fever.

Hamburglars 3 vs. Dirty Blues 1

Ho sweet Jesus! This was less of a game played by the Hamburglars, and more of a goaltending clinic put on by the terrifying tandem of Barry ‘Death Roe’ and Brett ‘The Hitman’ Syer. Word on the street is that movie execs in the booming Chinese movie industry are already adapting the real-life story to the big screen (clearly banking on Roe’s effective branding in the Chinese market), having Roe and Syer play themselves in the lead roles:

“Dirty Blues Down” From the same studio that brought you “Beijing Bikini Bonanza 3: A Mark Simon Joint”

In a game that saw the ‘burglin’ bunch beat the DB’s for the first time this season, the real story was how a decimated Dirty Blues squad of 8 skaters controlled the game but couldn’t manage to put the puck in the net. Paris Baguette aficionado, Franck Saulnier, scored two (including an empty netter), while league points leader, Aaron ‘my hair’s never askew’ Liu, potted the other. We caught up with a disgruntled ‘Dimebag’ Darryl Slaney after the game to get his thoughts on his highway robbery he suffered at the hands, or should we say ‘glove hand‘, of Syer:

“Oh yah, Bawd! I was right thar in the slot, ya know, just waitin’ to snipe that greasy rebound  toooop cheeeedar, when outta nowhere this guy just windmills the ol’ leather straight up n’ over, ya know? I haven’t been that let down since they cut me off at wing night at the Shed a few weeks back. It was Baaaruuuutal Bawd!”

Actual game still of Slaney’s disbelief after Syer’s unreal save 

To be fair, ‘In-Slane in the Membrane’ added to his career stats against the Hambies with a sweet blast from the point in the first half, so there’s that. Other Dirty Blues players, Jan, Freddie, and Jofa couldn’t be reached for comment as they were apparently on the phones with their lawyers. It appears that being depicted as “stereotypical, well-dressed European villains” in the upcoming big-screen adaptation doesn’t sit quite well with them.

Saturday Night 

Hamburglars 8 vs. Fog Devils 6

With both Brett ‘the Threat’ Simonini out for the Hamburglars due to his son’s traditional bris or something (look it up, ya beaut), and Foggy D’s el Capitan Hans ‘You Can Take my Jock Off When I’m Dead’ von Meister sitting out so that he could judge the debate between a bunch of overachieving Chinese preteens, both sides sported 9 a side.

Pictured above: Hans, probably

The game was off to a fast start when just a few minutes into the first period Geoff “Better Late Than Never” Ng no-looked his way onto the scoresheet with a pass in front of the net from Franck “HOW DID YOU GET FREE BEER?” Sauliner. When asked after the game how he scored the goal, his first of the season, Ng recounted,

“I kinda just closed my eyes and thought about all those embarrassing times in high school that still keep me up at night. That kinda gave me the rejection rage I needed to thrash about wildly until I connected with the puck. Sort of like when I strike my pillow in the middle of another midnight flashback.”

“…fuggin’…stupid… piece of shit…. stupid…. NGGGGGG!” *pillow strike*

The first period was lookin’ like everything was comin’ up Hambies as Aaron ‘If you grow a better mustache than me I’ll fight you’ Liu, Adam ‘I’m older, goddamnit’ Liu and Franck ‘everything but the kitchen sink’ Sauliner put the Burgle-boys up 4-1, with the lone Foggy D’s goal coming from Tyler “Mid-season Maestro” Perro. But in the last few minutes of the first, the D’s turned on the juice, pocketing 2 more g-notes thanks to Jarred “Fogle” Kubas and ‘Parrot Bar’ Perro, making the game 4-3.

The rest of the game ping-ponged back and forth with the Burglars adding a goal to stretch the lead to 2, then the Foggy D’s responding by taking a penalty and scoring on the kill. On one particular PP, Franck “Foie Gras” Sauliner was McRobbed by Karl the Kraut on what should’ve been a wide open net. The puck came down the other way, where Kita “he who shall not be nicknamed” Kitamura blasted home a slapper from the Ovi Zone, as if to challenge Thorsten to a “Shea Weber Contest” of hardest shot in the SHC…and by ‘Ovi Zone’, we mean the goddam hashmarks…

“Hope you had a good week at work, beer league goalie, I sure as f@$k didn’t.”

Eventually, thanks to the offensive efforts of Macs ‘Relaxed’ Lee and Danny “Danny” Guo, the Foggy D’s tied the game with about 5 to go. The deadlock was broken by Kevin ‘BRoeckback” Jackson with his classic “bar-down through traffic with no regard for human life or half-shields from the blue line” wrister. (Editor’s note: for real doe – dude does not GAF about yo face)

With less than two minutes to go, the D’s pulled their tender for the man advantage, but were ultimately thwarted by an errant backhand from Isaac ‘Netflix and McChill-trick’ that went wide and found its way to the stick of one of the Liu bros (who cares which one, amirite?) for the lucky number 8 goal – just to satisfy the Chinese gods of luck and totally reasonable superstitions.

Pictured above: Isaac’s GF/Mom, probably

Ice Cocks 4 vs. Night Splash 3

Saturday’s matchup between the Ice Cocks and Suzuki’s Nocturnal Emission squad was deja vu all over again. As usual, Suzuki’s band of sexual deviants built up a commanding first period lead before folding like a cheap origami swan in the 2nd.  IC’s had big goals by ‘Haiku-Wu’ to start the comeback and Matt ‘Bintang’ Zhang with the game winner. ‘Taladaggart nights’ Thomson and Tommy ‘Bahama’ Nakayama also scored for the winning team. The losers’ goals needn’t be recorded in the annals of SHC history, and therefore aren’t noteworthy.

Dirty Blues vs. Fever

Well shit, boys. Somebody won. I mean – they must’ve, Right?! I mean, if the Dirty Blues wasn’t loaded with a bunch of Eurotrash fun-boys, maybe…juuuuust maybe we’d get some quality game reports. I bet they speak 17 languages on that team. Not a goddam one of them is English doe. Seriously, all these calls about Roe, and not a single friggen’ update from the Fever/DB’s game? Jesus. Browner, Coley – you speak English, you lazy bastards – get on it!

Lowered Expectations 3 vs. Gingerbeards 0

Bonne nuit, mes amis,

When the Shanghai tower and bottle opener turn their brilliant lights off, you know it’s the magical hour LE lace’em up and paint their ritualistic murals on the ice at Feiyang hockey Mecca – such is the je ne sais quoi of liiiife. hon hon hoooooon!

This week featured the crème de la crème of the Shanghai Hockey League, LE en noir vs. Gingerbeards en blanc. C’Est Ouf! LE showed up with 8 players, but GB had a full roster. Even Trevor ‘Boomi’ Lai was back on the roster despite the year-ending injury he suffered only a few weeks ago. We’re not sure what miracles traditional Chinese medicine pulled out of their ass this time, but the boy was like a young, veiny Cock out there (rooster, ya beaut!). In the significant Mid-Season draft, GB boosted their team with another top player, ‘Over the Top’ Goffman, who, along with Martin ’18-wheeler’ Magnon, obviously formed the most dangerous pair on the GB side.

Pictured above: Magnon and Goffman just havin’ a wrestle to see who’ll take the face-off

Due to the line up difference, LE was forced to change their game plan. The first period went back and forth, both sides getting a shot or two here and there. LE kept line changes short, whereas the little white sisters kept their lines out for longer than necessary, causing players to lose their rhythm. Taking advantage of the lull in the battle, ‘Peg Leg Petey’ Helenius made a beautiful coast-to-coast skate, potting the opener and game-winning top-shelf goal. Energy from the goal gave LE a huge boost, and only a few minutes later it was Harvey ‘Farva’ He’s turn to tap one in, giving the good guys a 2-zip lead.

Pictured above: Harvey ‘Farva’ He (watch Super Troopers, ya beaut!)

But LE wasn’t done just yet. Only a few minutes later Markus ‘Spahrkus Plug’ Spahr put a questionable goal in, making it 3-0. SHC tender, Jason DeVorhees protested heavily about the call, but vet ref, Shapely Matt Whately was deemed to be in a prime location to drop the full-armed chop, sanctifying the legitimate goodness of the goal.

GB’s rallied in the second half with their full 8 lines, so obviously LE had some issues. But official (and extremely accurate) records show that only 4 shots were delivered during the second half.

During the post game press conference, several CCTV and TSN reporters wanted to know why the GB squad felt they weren’t able to score. Captain BO replied,

“We are an old team. Regardless of how juicy and tight the opportunity, we always have difficulties getting it up and putting it in.”

Assistant Captain Magnon commented that,

“it’s hard to find the hole without any hair around it. I’ve grown used to a certain way of closing the deal.”

Luckily these comments were ignored by the press.

Le player, Johnny ‘Yo Ma’ Ma commented on the game,

“Yeah, you know. Once you put this black jersey on, it’s all about the team, we stuck to the plan and executed it well. We don’t seem to have any scoring problems.”

Maybe he was referring to a couple of LE members missing from the game due to the newborns in their families?

The SHC would formally like to congratulate both Gary Li and Yuzo Yamada on their new babies at home. You beauties. Good job, boys!