Week 14
Well dress me up and call me Finnegan, folks!
Every once in a while we here at the SHC miss a big story or two. And you know what? Most of the time it’s just some random tidbit of semi-interesting gossip involving Sneaky Pete Helenius and the Feiyang figure skating coaches.
We didn’t say anything about female coaches – hoo hoooooooooooo!
This time, however, we missed a big one. Just last night while Ms. Roe was emptying the garbage in the guest bathroom she came across a telegram that our disgruntled ex-secretary, Dolores, threw in the trash can (we know she left a few weeks ago, ya beaut, we just don’t like havin’ the trash changed while we’re figurin’ out playoff schedules). As it turns out, yet another of our resident SHC legends slipped through the cracks of expat reality: a new job posting.
No no, the belligerent drunk geezer on the RIGHT – not the sloppy frat boy on the left, or the suspiciously unregistered sex offender – you idiot.
Ah yes, ‘Fancy’ Antti Liukko, the SHC’s very own “poor man’s Teemu Selanne,” left us suddenly after months of telling us he would probably do exactly that. Regardless, many members of the community weren’t ready for his departure. We caught up with a few other vets to get their thoughts on the matter:
Hooooo yeah! I remember him! He told me the league beer was 30 kuai per can when I first joined the league as a rook way back in 09′. Ho man, what a beauty. Most times I thought he was too drunk to keep track, but he kept surprisingly accurate records… I almost couldn’t fly home after my rookie season!
–Hide
Oh man, that’s pretty sad to hear. I remember a few years back when I was just a fresh face who needed my skates sharpened. He called me over and showed me the ropes. He even did that joke where you pretend to cut your finger after testing the sharpness – sort of like the old Finnish dude in “The Mighty Ducks”, you know? hahahaha. Yeah… it was pretty funny until he asked me to suck the “pretend blood” off. It got weird super fast…
–Jason McKelvey
Ukko Ukko Perkeleeeeeeeee UKKO!!!!!!! PERKELE!!!! YAhhhhhhhh!
–Harri Pitkanen
It goes without saying that we’re going to miss you, you surly bastard. But eh, at least you got your name on Shangley for all eternity. Anyway, enough about that, here’s your friggen’ roundup:
Friday Night
Chiefs 1 vs. Ice Cocks 0
Well well well, folks. It seems that diehard Ice Cocks fans, or “Frigid Fannies” as they prefer to be called, were in for quite the shocker on Friday night. You see, B league ‘B’henom, and frustrated father of 7, Mark ‘Knock it off – I said stop it!’ Cobbett was kept clean off the scoreboard, ending his 36-game point streak. Adding to his dismal night was the mess in the kitchen waiting for him when he got home.
Luckily for the Chiefs their stalwart defense paid off, as it led to a quick face-off win followed by a soggy noodle wrister on goal from ‘Pee on me’ Leon Li. The ensuing mad scramble led to the Chiefs getting “A New Leiske on Life” (heh heh, get it?! Lease? Leiske? uh? uhhhhhh?) when Leiske wound up from the top of the crease and hammered a garbage goal home. We wanted to get more details, but WuggLi wasn’t available for comment at the end of the first as his food poisoning (and golden shower fetish) had him in the bathroom for pretty much the remainder of the game.
Pictured Above: Madness personified – especially that fella in the middle
Lowered Expectations 4 vs. Gingerbeards 3 (OT)
If the first nail-biter of the evening wasn’t enough for the fans, another el Classico de SHC between the Black LE and White GB surely left everybody satisfied. When these teams took to the ice, the devout ‘Gingerminge Posse’ and the ‘Cult of Expectations’ were already looking forward to the highly symbolic, bitterly binary battle between good vs. evil.
“Wait… We’re the bad guys, right?”
“Hoooo buddy. I’m properly lit up right now. I can’t even friggen’ discern colours at the moment”
The GB’s started the game with their characteristic full bench, only missing Stinky Pinky Magnon, whose digital recovery took few steps back in recent weeks. (However, it should be noted that miracle recoveries are fairly common on the GB roster)
Or was he too busy prostituting himself to the A league in time for playoffs?
Trying his best to impress the Lord of the Light, ‘Goodie Two-Shoes’ Goffman slapped one home in the opening moments of the game. But, it seems the light wasn’t shining on the GB chosen ones, as 10 minutes later, Chris ‘The Ass Man’ Rekrutiak cleared the puck down into the GB zone, where a fairly comical mishandling by goalie, Jason ‘Divine Intervention’ Delor, led to an own goal, making the game 1-1.
“Hahaha, didju guys friggen’ seeee that? Christ – Am I that wrecked right now?”
Feeling the additional boost from the dark forces at play, LE started to dominate the game, constantly spending more and more time in the GB’s end. LE was playing a brilliant passing game, and thanks to Sadistic Simon Pinard and Markus ‘Sparkus Plug’ Spahr, the score was 3-1 at the intermission.
“So then I said, I says, ‘No I did NOT make a reservation. Cuz I WORK for a living, dammit!'”
“You tell me this story every friggen’ weekend, Pinard. Frig off.”
In the second period, GB fans saw something nobody ever expected to see, James T. Scotti actually on the active roster! At first glance you would’ve thought Captain BO had shipped Sidney Crosby in to help them out, but it was just Jimmy – so young, so handsome out there. And thanks to his solo effort, the game was soon 3-2. (Even though his goal took a lucky bounce off Rekrutiak’s ass)
“Whose friggen’ stick is this?! It’s got the wrong curve! C’Mon boys! You know I’m not an ambi-shooter!”
But Jimmy boy and his red-haired sisters weren’t done just yet. With only 11 seconds left in regulation, ‘Corey & Trevor Laihey’ sniped an equalizer from almost behind the net, tying the Game 3-3 and sending it to OT.
“Doooon’t even listen to that duster. You’re rubber and he’s a friggen’ glue bag, bud. Whatever he chirps just friggen’ bounces right off ya and sticks to him so he can inhale it after the game.”
After OT solved nothing, it all came down to Captain Helenius to end the game, which he did with a gorgeous deke and top-shelf Finnish (uh? uhhhhh?). Game, set and match.
“Eh, Corey – Trevor, get outta the timekeeper box. C’mon, two smokes, let’s go.”
At the post-game press conference, ‘Ass Attack’ Rekrutiak was asked about this significantly large behind and its impact on the game:
“Yeah, you all saw it. Nothing more to say, really. I tried to move it, but fat chance! Haaaaa, see what I did there? It’s my cross to BARE! Ahhhhhhhhh Ehyooooooo! Mmman, I’m right mangled right now.”
And so once again thousands of newly-converted pagan cult members left Feiyang with dark, soul-less smiles on their faces. Some of the Gingerminge were desperately trying to meet Jim after the game, but for some reason he wanted to spend all his time talking to BO and Dennis at the top-secret Spa section of Feiyang hockey rink somebody installed for the KHL guys.
“It was us, ya friggen’ duster!”
“Be careful though – there’s no hot water”
“Yeah buds, we ran out of funds replacing the glass that idiot Liu kept breaking a few months back”
Saturday Night
Fog Devils 10 vs. Dirty Blues 5
Saturday’s Fog Devil double-header was a spectacle to behold. Folks, the spectators might’ve paid for the whole seat, but they only used the edges, as the white-knuckle action kept them enthralled.
The first game against the league-leading Dirty Blues was eagerly anticipated by fans and players alike. In the pre-game press conference, tempers flared as Andy “Beastmaster” Sigfrids (just look up Beastmaster – it’ll make more sense) threatened to eat up the high-powered Fog Devils offense “like little baby men.”
Despite JP ‘No Call’ Grimard’s best efforts to ignore Thorsten ‘The Hashmark Hammer’ Hinrichs’s dirty first goal, the Dirty Blues still went up 3-1 in an action-packed first period. Not to be disheartened, the Fog Devils dug deep. Roused by a fearsome, guttural battlecry from center Ryan ‘The Stone Sentry’ Baerg, the second period saw the away team’s beast awaken. D-man Jared ‘Lower-Back Tribal Tat’ Kubas felt “inspired and excited for the playoffs” as the Fog Devils gelled “around him” after “he put the team on his back” with a face-smashing, face-level slap shot from the point that whistled past a Coked-up Karl the Goalie (ca-cola, ya duster!).
In the post-game, after his 3 goal performance, Centerman Shiho “雷スティック (Kaminari sutikku)” Kitamura attributed his scoring to the thunder god, Raiden. Linemates RW Dennis ‘Selfie Stick’ Corcoran and LW Nakata ‘Mr. One Timer’ gelled so well they even assisted in shampooing each other’s hair, and Center Frank ‘Tiny’ Schmidt’s back.
Beardogs 4 vs. Dirty Blues 2
The Beardogs entered the weekend in 4thplace, staring down the barrel of the April 7th play-in game against the suddenly red-hot Foggy D’s. Standing between them & solo 3rd was a Saturday night double-header showdown against the 2 teams tied atop the SHC. And with all the movers and shakers from the mid-season draft coming into the league, it was hard to say exactly how it would all turn out.
Pictured Above: Everybody who’s lost one game since mid-season draft
In the first game the Mighty Beardicks faced off against a Dirty Blues squad who came in with extra motivation, having just dropped a tough one to the FD’s. The Beardogs struck first as ‘Boston BearDan’ Whoopiedickschnitzel opened the scoring. That was followed by a cheeky beaut by Kim Jong-Ill Snipe, and another tally for Severus Snigve to build up a comfy 3-0 cushion at the half.
Top of his class at Gënitawørts, the Norwegian school for Wizardry
A couple quick goals by Andy ‘Sigfried and Roy’, and all round stud, Darien ‘Sounds more like a football name’ Bryant made it 3-2 with plenty of time left on the clock. The capacity crowd quieted down, fearing that the Dirty Blues might turn the tables in tight affair. However, the game took a bit of a twist… The Beardogs netted a goal to make it 4-2, but after celebrating and returning to center ice for the face-off they were told there was a call made to Moscow (Toronto was busy?) and the goal was being waved off. On an ensuing draw, a minor scrap between the centers turned into BLYAD, which was sorted out by a couple double minors…
On the next play, Tarzan Tyler Malkoske picked up a loose puck in the slot and tucked one in, reclaiming the disputed goal and giving the Beardogs a 4-2 victory. Hats off to the referees Hans and Albert for keeping a lid on things.
Hamburglars 3 vs. Fog Devils 2 (OT)
WOW – after watching the Soggy D’s thrash the Dirty Blues boys, apprehensions were high in the Burglars dressing room. Well, that’s not entirely true – they were busy cooking pulled pork sliders courtesy of mid-season rookie extraordinaire, Andrew ‘the Rookie of the’ Eyre.
And mmmmaaannnn were they ever good
In their last few outings these two squads have had some epic, high-scoring battles, so the crowd was really looking forward to this one. On top of that, the fresh-faced Floppy D’s were looking for their elusive first win of the season against the greasy burglin’ bunch, who’ve made a habit of stealing games away from the dastardly Devils at the last second for virtually the whole season.
Add to this juicy narrative the fact that the young gun supporting cast that Hansel drafted onto his team was finally coming of age, and we had all the elements of another epic showdown, folks. The go-to burglin’ beaut, A-Aron ‘I’ll be Good for Two’ Liu, went ahead and showed the crowd why his nickname makes sense by picking up a pair, while on the Foggy D side of the fence the pristine pre-teen, Bryce ‘Enable Private Browsing Mode’ Truby fired back with two dirty snipes of his own. We don’t know where all that confidence came from, folks, but he was killin’ it out there.
(Editor’s Note: I wish my Mom would still pay for all MY shit)
The uncharacteristically large amount of time spent in the penalty box didn’t do anything to help the Burgs’, especially considering the mad chemistry and undeniable stride the Frog Bevels (seriously running out of good ones over here) have hit as of late. Luckily for them, they held on till OT.
And wouldn’t you know it, folks, March brought the luck of the Irish as aesthetically pleasing leprechaun, Isaac McTrickledick, cashed in on a rebound to give the Burglar boys something to smile about.
“So I was all like, friggennnn’ I’ll play out – whatever – geeeeez! I dunno. Ya know? And before you know it I’m a friggen’ forward wearin’ goalie skates.”
Beardogs 2 vs. Hamburglars 1
AKA – The battle of the ssssiiiickest flow in the SHC
The 2nd game of the night for the Beardogs and Hamburglars was a much more civil affair (Editor’s Note: It had its moments). The Beardogs and Hamburglars came into the game each looking to make it a 4-point night. This one was tightly contested throughout, with stellar goaltending at each end. Late in the first, Jeff McFriggenDonald made an awesome break from the right wing and received a 100’ Harrison tape-to-tape pass that split the D, and beat Telly Syervalas to make it 1-0.
“Holy frig that was a sweet pass!”
“Yeah eh, didja hear Jeffy afterwards? Friggen’ guy comes over and says, “eh! Sorry bout that one”
“Hahah, friggen’ Canadians”
The Beardogs had chances during a 5-on-3, but the Burglers came up with some big stops to keep it tight. Shortly after the intermission, however, a turn-over led to a 1-on-1 showdown between Boston Dan and newbie defender Andrew Eyer, who unintentionally served as a screen for the devious Bill Bellichek-esque sniper. Not long after extending the lead, ‘Stonewall’ Jackson hit AA-Liu on a bust-away, where he put a PPG in the net to make it 2-1. From there it was heavy action at both ends – but no more scoring – and the Beardogs held on 2-1, and took one step up in the standings.
But that doesn’t matter, ya friggen’ beauts! Because when the Hamburglars lose – they lose with friggen’ dignity —- annnnnnnnnnnd pulled pork sliders!!!!!
“Even if we lose, we win” – Hamburglars 2017
