Great Ghost of Christmas Past, Folks,
The last few weeks have been chock full of holiday goodness and traditional Shanghai Pastimes, so it goes without saying that the entire staff down here at the Veiny Tiger has been getting a little too “blitzed with Blitzen,” IF… you catch my drift.
Yeaaaaah you catch my drift
Luckily for us – after the smoke settled and the fog lifted – there were some pretty interesting Christmas carols scrawled on the office walls, so we decided to publish some for everyone’s literary appreciation and meditative analysis. And all because we know how much our league members appreciate literature:
Pictured Above: Intelligence
But enough with the preamble – let’s tear open this Christmas bitch
Saturday, December 12th
The first meetup of the weekend was set to be a thriller the likes of which the killer on the Manhunters’ sweater was particularly inclined. The Ladyhunters were desperately searching for their first win of the season – despite acquiring league ‘Fart Ross’ candidate Jeff “Flames Retro Reverse – Gloves Only” Hritzuk, in their line up.
The Giants were on the lookout and playing solid, despite the fact they were missing Ivan “Sleeping beauty” Tchekanskin for the first period of the game due to an overload of tinder activity and lack of sleep. Regardless, the Giants took off like a starship Elon Musk would even be jealous of. Tiger “I’m filling up the stands with my palls so I’m going coast to coast each time” Gaoscored a beaut, ripping the first one past Syer who was clearly still in the locker room. The pressure from the boys and girl in white was clear from the start and the Ladyhunters had no real answer. To top off the first period, Jan “The man in red” Jelinek received a pass up ice from TTTTiger (Who else?) and with the no-look pass of the year, set up Sander “Mister Negative himself” Vermeulen for a perfect break away. Score 2-0 at the break and that all without the NO. 1 Tinder Terror on the ice.
(Yeah The Manhunters lost, but it’s called foreshadowing, ya beaut!)
Luckily for the Giants, after Ivan had his mid-afternoon mother’s milk, he showed up raring and ready to go. The men in white couldn’t have asked for a better opportunity to show off their total dominance over the Ladyhunters when they got a 5-on-3 powerplay to flex their muscles a bit more. With a textbook powerplay demonstration and a Wesley snipe of lethal proportions, Tiger (Really, who else?) Gao finished the perfect 5-on-3 play.
The Giants seemed to be cruising to their easiest victory of the year so far. The Ladyhunters must have sensed the lack of effort on the other side and decided to make this into a hockey game again. The lethal duo of Jefferson Airship Tullis scored the first of the game for the Ladies who, despite not being visible for an entire game, started a late rally. The Hunt sisters also decided it was their time to shine with one of the ugliest goals in SHC history (it was gross) 3-2 with 4 minutes to play and The Ladyhuntes were bringing out the guns. Jeff and Tully had never seen that much ice time in their lives but it was all too little too late. Giants win to go in the Christmas break on a high note.
The Shams came in Saturday night “hot” on a long winning streak and they were looking unbeatable! The Caps came in off a big OT win in week 7 showing they could dance with the Devils, but now they had their biggest test of faith – going up against the Luck of the Irish! The Caps were able to open the scoring on speedy breakaway from their star Sebby, but The Shams were quick to fire back 2 goals and take the lead. The Caps, however, grinded it out and their 3rd line stepped all the way up to jam one through the keeper! Kevin Mao had tied the game up 2-2 to keep the faith! The goalies were playing exceptional and keeping both teams in it. One massive breakaway stoninig of a floundered Mike Walsh by Barry Bee Gee Roe had everyone screaming bloody robbery.
(Editor’s Note: appropo, considering it’s his birthday and all)
Now, late in the game, The Caps got back-to-back power plays, but were unable to register. Things were looking grim when The Shams got a power play of their own, but The Caps wingers had been staying tight to The Shams star D boys all half and not letting them control the game. With time winding down and under 1:30 left in the game, a miracle took place when “to borrow from Peter to pay Paul” paid off with a goal of biblical proportions! Karam had put The Caps up with a 3-2 game winner! The Caps then got the insurance goal to end the night 4-3, climbing up as a 500 club.
Sunday, December 13th
It finally happened, folks! The Manhunters won a game in regulation. (Editor’s Note: Looks like Sheldon’s Delicious Christmas Season Auspiciousness prediciton in Week 6 actually came true!)
Now, it’s only fitting that we recap the game action using the meme dump the Manhunters submitted instead of a write-up, as nobody on The Manhunters squad is halfway literate anyway, and “meme” seems to be the only language this bunch of troglodytes understands. So enjoy:
Just like Christmas morning, Sunday was a night where anything could happen: David “don’t call me white*” Lin got a point, the Eagles beat the saints, Barry lost his phone, even the f**king Manhunters got a legit win (and it came from people whose names don’t rhyme with ‘chipmunk’ scoring all their goals for once).
*That’s a NOFX reference, ya beaut!
Unfortunately for the Eagles, the Miracle on 34th street ended around 9 pm and the Ice pulled even at the top of the league by doing what they’ve become best known for, beating teams while short-handed. Player of the night here goes out to Vic “I love fountain pens” Mui and his 4 apples which he miraculously managed to get despite spending a solid ¾ of the game sliding around on the ice pretending there was a sniper trying to take him out. For a guy who just learned how to skate, he showed a lot of heart out there getting the job done.
Santa, can you get Victor’s skates sharpened for Xmas?
“Gentleman” Jim Burgess continued his torrid pace as well, sniping a beauty with a change-up that would have made Trevor Hoffman proud. Sadly, it was one of the cleanest pucks he’s fired all year but who says speed matters. We can’t discuss this game without taking the time to mention “Comrade” Jamil, who managed to pull off one of the most Russian hockey moves in history, showing up 5 minutes into the final period, offering no apologies, and then netting 2 points. This man knows how to be quick and efficient, well quick at least. “Firin’” Fred Lee had a solid game up front and we are confident that if the net ever stops moving, he’s going to be adding his name to that scoresheet soon enough. Oh, and Gale got a hat-trick. Overall, a solid way to head into the Christmas break for the Ice who will be looking to pick that momentum back up in 2021.
We’re going to wrap this Christmas present up on a slightly more serious note by offering a huge thank you to the Execs for everything they do keeping this league running smoothly (well running at least). Merry Christmas you filthy animals! (Editor’s Note: the audacity of this jabroni…)
Well folks, it’s Christmas Day and I’m sure you can only spend so much time staring at your phone instead of your in-laws’ gigantic false smiles. So suck it up, put your goddam phone away, and join the Christmas fray. Merry Christmas, you idiots.
