Recap

Week 9

Happy New Year, ya friggen’ beauties!

It took a couple of weeks to fully recover from the holiday hangover, but the SHC finally resumed play this week. And boy oh boy, was it ever sloppy. Believe me, folks, we’ve had a couple humdingers over the past few months, but this weekend played witness to a league chock-full of over-stuffed, jet-lagged beauts doing their best just to remember where they hung up their goddam skates before the Christmas break.

“I don’t even remembah vich ones ah mine… Feeèēêęéèck it”

Reportedly, BO, aka ‘The Missing (Ginger) Link’, was hard at work buzzing blades all Friday and Saturday night, just to make sure the boys had an easier time working off the ol’ Christmas goose. Alas, it didn’t make things any prettier. Luckily for us, a legend was born – well, two, actually.

Friday Night

Ice Cocks 3 vs. Gingerbeards 1

This was a fairly tight match due to great goaltending from JF Poutinelanger and Crispy Crunch Christofferson. ICs had a short bench but ‘Pretty Kai for a Wu guy’ stepped up large with 2 big goals. Cobbett ‘the filthy Hobbit’ chipped in a ‘tolkein’ goal while the Magnificent Midori, Geriatric Zhang and newcomer Li ‘Hard-on’ Cason all played solid games up front on the forecheck. Defense was solid all night shutting down the flying Frenchman Fartbum Manbang (for the first time this season!). Garbage goal king ‘It’z not a toomah’ Boomi Lai had the lone Ginger goal.

Special “Get Well” wishes to Ice Cock defenseman, Dave ‘Oh wouldn’t it be nice’ Rice, who broke a ‘drumstick’ skiing during the holidays. The good news is that Dave says he will be back – Bobby Baun style – just in time for the playoffs.

(editor’s note: A more current reference would’ve been Steven Stamkos, but absolutely nobody has the time to say this aloud, lest they be subject to another Barry Duke lecture on the grandeur of old-time hockey)

Beer League: Origins

Chiefs 3 vs. Lowered Expectations 2

The Lowered Expectations had… high?… expectations… for their first game back, but with the sudden disappearance of the “Mayor” of Hellenius-ville, things were up in the air. To describe it candidly, the ambience in the rink was sort of like a “Tan-Tan” date: awfully mysterious, a bit apprehensive, but bound to get hairy sooner or later. Even without Fitz De Smurf psyching the team with some pre-game Carly Rae war chants, the Chiefs still managed to chalk up a win over the less-desirables.

It should be noted that ‘Big Poppa’ Leon’s legendary performance was the talk of the night. It truly was something for the history books. You see, throughout the history of the Shanghai Hockey Club, several legends have been made. Many legacies have been forged in this bittersweet beer-league saga, and on Saturday night we were lucky to bear witness to the rise of yet another.

Arriving at the rink in the nick of time, inexplicably dressed in hospital scrubs, nobody even had time to ask Wuggi Woogz what was going on before the game kicked off. (It turns out that he managed to escape from the delivery room right after his wife passed out from giving birth to his healthy baby twins). After scoring two goals (one for each of his beautiful kids) and helping his team win the game, he whipped his gear to the ground, hopped back into his pastel-blue scrubs, then hastily rushed back to the hospital before his wife had even realized he left.

Whatta. Fucken’. Beaut!

The SHC in its entirety acknowledges your feat, Leon. You, Sir, stand alone as an example for the rest of us. Congratulations, you glorious bastard.

 

Saturday Night

Ice Cocks 5 vs. Lowered Expectations 0

The Lice Cracks showed up with 7 players and needed a big effort from everyone to stay in the game against a usually solid Low-Ex squad. After an end-to-end rush by Stevie ‘Try-hard, Die-hard’ Dyer ending with a perfect shot for the first goal, things snowballed. After that, Corn on the Cobbett had 2 goals and 2 assists to lead the Cocks to a commanding 5-0 half-time lead. From there on in it was shut down time, and the pace of the game got even slower until it ultimately stopped dead in its crotchety tracks. Jason Vorhees (the goalie) got an SHC shutout, not allowing either team to score (although Majestic Midori, who continues to look good out there, put herself into the net on a great individual effort. Coincidentally, nobody’s heard from her since the game).

*che-che-che ah-ah-ah* “I swear to f@$k, Midori, if you crash into me one more time I will straight up murder you” *che-che-che ah-ah-ah*

Harvey ‘Two-Face’ He was the only good player for LE, throwing the body at both teams indiscriminately – as the Harvey Dents of the world tend to do.

Fog Devils 4 vs. Beardogs 1

2017 is the year of the cock, and the foggy Ds could not let their franchise brethren down. After a tumultuous start to the 2016-2017 campaign, the team knew that something had to change. There were some pieces missing. And those pieces were Jay Fit, Tyler Perro, and a double cheeseburger.

And some balls

After these three additions to the roster and a passionate and invigorating pregame speech given by a jock-clad Hans-suck-ass, the Fog Devils hit the ice for the first time this year actually looking to win. Player of the game Nakata said, “I played with the fury of a thousand suns. Nothing could hold me back.” Evan ‘The Haircut’ Shen added, “My new year’s resolution was to score 3 goals per game, and I couldn’t let the team down.” Facing a rabid Beardogs team with a recently acquired early-90s-time-traveling Jaromir Jagr, the game began. Fresh off the long-term IR, Danny “Danny” Guo put the good guys up quickly off of what spectators described as “the most raw display of athleticism ever seen.”

Knowing that in the SHC, no lead is safe, Albert “Blyad” Almukhametov cranked up the pressure with a legendary wrist shot, beating former Ringette goaltender Isaac ‘The Body’ McKitrick top-shelf where mama hides the cheeseburgers. “It was a fricken’ laser beam. I saw the puck clearly the whole way through, but his [Blyad’s] snipes cannot be eaten… I mean, um, contained – whatever. Now excuse me while I crush this double chee,’ said McKitrick. ‘Overactive Thyroid’ Ryan Baerg added two humongous goals. “I would’ve had more if I stayed onside,” he told reporters from an offside position during the game. The Beardogs’ Stu “Taibei Chun K” Chan tallied the only goal for the team whose hats are woefully without logos. After a tremendous start to the year, the Fog Devils look to continue their streak into the coming weekend versus a red-hot Dirty Blues team and the Fever in a double-cheese McHeader.

“Jesus, whose helmet is this? XXXL – I didn’t even know they made those. Oh wait, Baerg! BAERG I found it!”

Gingerbeards 4 vs. Chiefs 2

Saturday’s third match turned into a battle between the bearded cowboys and the chiefless Indians. The Beards’ top snipers ‘Big Bamboomie’ and Martin ‘wee man’ Magnon each potted a pair to give the Beards a much needed victory on the battlefield. Shortly after the smoke cleared, one of the Chiefs was heard to say, “Tonto no like redbeard’s medicine, tastes like buffalo dung”

(Editor’s note: I hope this picture is relevant, BO. I’m not positive which Indians we’re talkin’ about. In Canada we call them First Nations People)

Dirty Blues 5 vs. Hamburglars 4

Who doesn’t love playing puck at midnight?!

The final game of Saturday night started off slow, slow enough that ‘Dimebag’ Daryl Slaney, Jan ‘Bon Jovi’, Jim ‘Been dere, Dunn Dat’, YO-momma-so-FAt Natour, Frederick ‘the cyclist’ Nyquist, Thorse-cock Hugedicks and Justinuff Le Brun had the time to shoot the breeze over how they got away with selecting such a loaded squad of vets.

Luckily for them, the Hamburglars were too busy figuring out who wanted to make the first pass out of their own end to do anything to stop the Dirty Blues chemistry that was apparent right from the get go. Slitherin’ Slaney opened up the scoring when he dangled a couple pylons on D to score a beauty early in the frame.

“OFYB – I FAWKIN LOOOVE PLAYIN’ THE HAMBURGLARS!”

Janzy ‘D’Lick’ Velich followed up shortly after with a disgustingly European knee deflection to make it 2-zip. The goals kept coming until the half, when the DBs were sitting on a comfortable 5-0 lead and the ‘burgs bench couldn’t quite figure out their asses from their own elbows. A couple nasty ginos from a beautifully bearded Swede who surprisingly ISN’T Jofa, ‘Rowdy’ Rikard Ivner, had seemed to put the hambies away for good.

Then the beast awoke:

Pictured above: ‘The Beast’ Aaron Liu

A-Aron ‘I aaaain’t f*@kin’ with’ Liuuuuu, best known for his sssssick flow, decided to take it upon himself to make this showdown an actual game. Before long, he had all 4 goals for the ‘burglin’ bunch and things were getting tighter than Jim Dunn’s waistband. It was all for naught, however, as the game ended just as it began – with the Dirty Blues out of breath and the Hamburglars trying to make sense of it all.

WHO’S PSYCHED FOR BEIJING POND HOCKEY, BOYS!?!?!?! LET’S GOooooooooooooOOOOOOOOO!!!

Eh! Merry Christmas, ya friggen’ beauts!

The SHC has been active this holiday season, going out of its way to ensure all of its surplus beer somehow translated into holiday cheer. We had the Ugly Sweater Christmas Classic (USCC), a very special appearance by a Sober Santa Claus at the annual Xmas party, and somehow in between, the Waitans managed to send off some high-calibre beauts in true SHC style.

In the Christmas spirit of giving and holiday compassion, we’re also genuinely happy to report that the Hockey Hands crew has made some major headway in their volunteer program that involves many of our resident SHC legends – more on that shortly.

But first, we should share with you a submission that was made by the Feiyang zamboni driver. According to him, every year around this time, this poem (in its many iterations) is read aloud by the arena elders to help teach budding young hockey players about the true Christmas spirit:

Twas the night before Christmas,

And all through the rink:

Not a tap had hot water,

Not even the sink.

But in the darkness of the halls,

And much to our chagrin,

There lurked some Ruskies –

Trying to steal our ice time again.

“Come, Igor,”

Said the KHLer,

“let us plan, and connive.

If we pull this off,

The SHC shan’t survive!”

But beneath the catacombs,

Where none dared to tread,

There lived an SHC legend –

Or so it is said.

Someone so bitter,

That he had to remain,

Locked in the darkest cellar,

Adorned with crusty chains.

He spoke in short bursts,

And targeted most execs.

That he was in the SHC ‘first’,

He never let them forget.

But the legend was enraged,

You could tell by his patented scowl.

Through the dark halls he shuffled,

Wearing nothing but a towel.

That’s when the secretive Ruskies,

Caught completely unaware,

Overheard some salty complaints –

About how Christmas is unfair:

“Why do I work my ass off,

all through the year,

just to spend Christmas Eve,

Drinking piss-warm beer?”

“Who’s the damn exec in charge!”

The visage howled with a sneer.

The Ruskies exchanged glances,

Shaking with fear.

“Who the hell are you!”

They queried,

“Is this some kind of fluke?”

“No, you idiots:

I’m Barry F@$%ing Duke!

Now, you’re gonna sit there,

And you’re gonna listen,

To every gripe, grumble and bellyache

That I can envision!”

As it turns out,

They wouldn’t dare.

Because listening to ol’ Duke,

Was their worst nightmare.

So then it was just BD,

Alone with his beer,

Doing his best to ingest,

Some holiday cheer.

And what happened then?

Well… in Shanghai they say,

Duke’s small heart

Grew three sizes that day!

So he jumped and cheered,

And ran through the halls,

Ready to spread the love –

Flip-flops, towel and all.

“You know, sometimes he brings up some good points.”

---

The Ugly Sweater Christmas Classic

The seasonal festivities kicked off some time in early December as SHC alumni gathered for the 4th annual USCC. Players on both sides were definitely feeling festive as the bottles of suds and an appropriately Christmas-coloured bottle of Jagermeister greased the wheels for some all-round good toimes. The breakaway competition resulted in an early Xmas gift of a half bottle for the loser, which had to be chugged as a penalty.

 

 

Pictured above: Drunks on ice, the musical

---

The Annual SHC Christmas Party

One of our gracious sponsors, Cages, pulled out all the stops for us this year and hosted our Xmas party. It took a lot of hard work on behalf of the black franchise, but in the end it was a wonderful treat for those of us with families. Actually, word on the street was that many other organizations’ around town were Santa-less, and openly jealous of our long list of players who had the ideal body type for the role. Good, clean, family-friendly fun? SHC? Who’d’ve thunk it?

“I’m only sober till 7pm, if you’re lucky. Better get ur pics fast, folks. Otherwise your lil’ angels are gonna wind up hearing all about my ex again.”

---

Hockey Hands Charity Work

Get a load of these beauts. The SHC is pleased to announce that the Hockey Hands group is making some great headway with their program designed to help orphans around Shanghai get involved in hockey. The project has been underway for over a year, with many key figures in the SHC stepping up big toime to volunteer their time and energy for this amazing cause. If you’re at all interested in helping out or volunteering your time and energy, get a hold of Cole Paterson or Mark Simon for more info.

“More people should know about this”

---

The Waitans Send Off Wada

 

Wada’s going away game was put on by the Waitans, and involved a bunch of Ice Cocks – both past and present. The Ice Cocks won 4-2 yet Wada scored all 6 goals….. he played half the game as a Cock and half as a Waitan. After the game, a video montage was put up on the scoreboard, highlighting Wada’s beauty plays over the years. Curiously, the other Waitans had no interst in watching the clips, or drinking the ice cold beers…

They all got dressed very quickly – even avoiding showers – because everyone knew where they were going, showers would be supplied. It was, after all, a Night Splash activity that was planned to close out the night. The ringleader for this jovial Japanese festivity was Shin, who hustled out of his gear in record time and got the waitans onto the perv-bus to the land of daubauchery. The Ice cocks hung out drinking all the beer that the waitans didn’t drink until 1am, probably listening to Duke talk about the good ol’ days up at Songjiang.

 

You stay beautiful, puck-heads! Have a great holiday from all of us here at the offices of the SHC, and Happy New Year – looking forward to seeing you all in 2017!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Week 8: The Week of Delicious Auspiciousness

 

What is this thing, anyway? It looks like the lower back of every girl I met in college

Hot dang, folks! Week 8 was chock-full of lucky omens and kitschy goodness for the lucky puck-heads down at ol’ Frozen Feiyang Ice Skating Rink. With the ongoing war between the KHL and the SHC boys at a ceasefire for the foreseeable future, things were looking like they were all getting back to normal: the racks were back, the cases of beer were properly stacked, and Matt Whately – seemingly for any and every reason – was under attack. Ah yes, folks – normal. Even the regular mid-week shinny slots were back on schedule (much to the delight of our slightly out-of-shape, beer-league mouth-breathers).

Noooo, no you go! *waves* Stay out there. I need another 30 seconds.

---

Pictured above: The Ginger who Stole Christmas, buzzin’ some blades in the recently reclaimed exec room

---

But wouldn’t you know it, folks. Just when we thought this whole kerfuffle with the KHL was all over, it seems they had one last parting shot for us before they left town for good:

Rink Worker #1: “Eh buddy, she’s gushin’ right good. Looks like some fella pooched the grinder by pourin’ a whole bunch of Borscht into the hot water mains.”

Rink Worker #2: “Oh F@$k Yah Bud, you’ll be takin’ cold showers for a few weeks yet. It’ll be good for ya though – look at me! I’ve never taken a hot shower in wintertoime my whole life, and I’m good to go, ya duster.”

Rink Worker #3: *looking up from toolkit* Yeah buddy, everybody knows hot showers in winter make ya sick, ya friggen’ beaut!”

SHC: “Where the hell did you guys learn to speak English?

Workers (All Together): “Frig off, ya friggen’ rook.”

There is a silver lining here, however. The maintenance staff have assured us that the hot water will be back within 2-3 weeks. So, factoring in the conversion rate between Chinese time estimates and Western interpretation of said estimates (i.e. reality), none of the SHC members should be coming down with a cold until at least the end of the season!

But enough said about that – here’s your friggen’ roundup:

---

Friday Night 

Friday night was a gosh darn barn burner, folks! Action in the A league hit a crescendo as four teams were jockeying for position at the midway point of the season. By the end of the night, 25 goals were on the scoresheets and 2500 fantastically fictitious fans were on the brink of an all out riot with all the excitement that was in the air.

Hamburglars 8 vs. Fog Devils 7

For this highly anticipated matchup, legions of phony followers poured into the simulated cheap seats to get a taste of some juicy mid-season goodness. And folks, they got their Monopoly money’s worth. This shot-for-shot turkey shoot had both teams reeling as each side’s top snipers racked up the body count of bar-down dingers all game long. For the Devlish Delights, Albert Hakunna-mattata-tov picked up a pair, with Ryan ‘Big Bird’ Baerg and Danny boy Guo following suit. The lone gunman for the Dev’s was Kita – the man who I am unashamedly afraid to nickname, even though he doesn’t speak a lick of English. On the ‘burgs’ side of the fence it was Adam ‘red light’ Liu who shouldered the load, picking up a hattie and four assists for 7 points on the night. His brother from the exact same mother, HAair-on Liu potted a pair and two helpers for 4 points of his own. Not to be dismissed, Ballsaack McTrickledick tagged up for 4 apples and a gino for a 5-point performance. Kompton Collings and Shailene Wooderson each added a snipe somewhere inbetween to help hold off a revamped and revitalized Cloggy Douchebag squad. It was the least Anderson could do, really, considering he took his mechanized pizza tossing to the next level.

Anderson: “Cowabunga duuuuuuudes!”

Pictured above: Fog Devils Forwards

When asked how it all went wrong, Doggy Kennel’s captain, Hans Solo, was visibly unnerved and declined to answer, just to WeChat us 5 minutes later with this coincidentally appropriate internet meme:

The von Meister Family Motto

Beardogs 6 vs. Fever 4

The second game of the evening provided the illusory crowd with a similar level of gameplay and even some eyebrow-raising behaviour for what was originally billed as a laid-back beer league match. Maybe the players in this one thought the illusory fans were actual people who actually cared about the outcome of regular season SHC play? Who knows, folks, who knows. All we know for certain is that by the end of it players on both sides were in desperate need of a cold shower.

Pictured above: J.P. Grimard after the game

(Editor’s Note: J.P.’s been taking cold showers since 1995 – it’s his secret to looking younger)

All in all there were 13 penalties between both teams, which is only cool if you consider the SHC fantasy-leaguer’s stats that were bolstered by the brutal affair. When the players actually did have their sticks on the ice, however, some beauty plays were made. ‘Top-cheesy’ Ruiz-y was solid gold out there, picking up a hattie and dishing out two helpers for 5 points for the Baredicks. Ryan ‘I Always Play Fair-isson’ sniped a couple for himself doing what he does best – creepin’ (in off the point). Michellin-man-cock Mischell McClocklin’ even found a way to lumber his giant package into the slot for a dandy dinger of his own. As for the Fetish-lovin’ Fever squad, Huge-Taloned Thalen ripped home a couple ginos, while Triple Lutz Custard banged one home. Maximillian WendoIgettoplayagin? Was good for a goal of his own before getting fed up and going home early.

Pictured above: an irate Custard Pie, ‘spinning out’ after one of his teammates gets ejected from the game 

---

Saturday Night

Hamburglars 8 vs. Beardogs 6

Well, if the Hamburglars didn’t get an early Christmas gift Saturday night, then we ain’t named the Shanghai Folly Chub! By the halfway point of this game, the ‘burger boyz were up 6-1 and looking to take it easy in the second half. But, and this is a big but (huh huh), that’s when the Beardags‘ very own Swisher Sweethands, Patrik ‘No Autographs Please’ Ruiz decided to keep the puck to himself for a while. The score pretty much evened out after Boston Dan took off his knee brace and decided to give a much needed spark to his flea-ridden dog pack. That’s right, folks, it turned into another goddam football match (American football, ya friggen’ idiot) with both teams scoring at will.

Pictured above: A-Aron ‘Rock n’ Roll hoochie’ Liu decides to forego the usual tools of the trade in an attempt to make things fair

Not Pictured: Liu’s patented hybrid visor-cage

Speaking of the dominant Liu bros, or shall we say Super Stache Bros? A-aron ‘that hair suits you’ Liu took his turn at glory, racking up a triple-triple, for 6 points on the night. Big bro, Liu #2 potted a pair and three Apps for 5 points of his own. (Editor’s note: These kids are fantasy league GOLD I tells ya, GOOOOLD!) Franck le Beautiful Skanck picked up a smelly pair of pantyhose for himself while the hottest breakthrough player of the season, Flamin’ Shane Anderson, stepped in off the point for a gosh darn ugly one. We caught up to him during the intermission to ask him about his surprising offensive numbers this season.

SA: “I think it all started back during the fantasy league draft, to be honest. You know, when I was sitting there awkwardly and all my buddies’ eyes were pinballing away from me while they made their last round picks… that really hit home. I thought to myself, you know what, I’m going to make them regret this – it was the biggest chirp of all. Friggen’ Slaney got picked and he only plays once every 6 weeks for chrissakes! I knew I had to score at least more points than Pipski, and if I can do that, it’ll be a good season. Adam’s crushing it this season though, so there’s that.”    

Pictured above: The fantasy league

Not pictured: Anderson

For the Beerdicks, Dan ‘Soul Patch’ Woahbeyotch was on fire himself, ripping home a hattie and two assists for 5 points. ‘Payin’ the Late Fees’ Ruiz, who has a habit of waking up in the second half, was good for one, but better for three helpers for 4 points on the night. Ryan ‘This ain’t a charity-son’ ripped home a goal and chalked up an assist. And Ol’ Fumey Humey capitalized on a beauty set up to round out the slug fest.

Gingerbeards 3 vs. Night Splash 2

In what was billed as the “Battle of the B League Basement” the SHC faithful were treated to an epic clash between the Gingerbeards and the knight splash in game two of the ‘Bottle Night Bash.’ It was a contest to see who could take the most shots without hitting the back of the net – The Gingerbeards lost.

(Editor’s Note: BO sent me a box of 4oo fortune cookies this past weekend)

Ice Cocks 3 vs. the Chiefs 0

Ice Cocks beat the Chiefs 3-0 with 2 goals from Mark Cobbett and another by Tommy 中山. Majestic Midori had 2 assists while 2nd-year Ice Cock, Wada ‘Make my day’ Masakazu, had 1. It was Wada’s last game in the SHC as he has been recalled to Tokyo for  behaviour ‘not in synch with’ what his company’s code of conduct dictates: A minimum of 4 weekly visits to KTV. Bergman (on the Chiefs) also played his last game in the SHC, but sadly didn’t get any points.

 

 

 

Wada Beauty!

Fever 7 vs. Fog Devils 5

After an eventful and disappointing 6-4 loss to the Barebottoms the night before, the Fever came into Saturday night’s tilt with the Fog Devils looking to end the first half of the season on a winning note. The Fever, who were missing 5 key forwards: ‘Mad, but working on mellowing out’ Max Wendelin, Brad ‘Da Beauty’ Newly, Mike ‘Mchustle Nuts’ Mckevitt, Jared ‘Fogle’ Scotchmer, and Jake ‘Locker room All-star’ Goodwin, had to get creative in filling out the lines, so they called up defensemen Matthew ‘Just Chap it in, Just Chaaaaaaap it in’ to play wing for the first time all season.

The move by wildly uncoordinated ‘General’ Custer could only be described as Babcock-esque as, after a slow start in which they were down 3-1, Chappers (4 assists) and the Fever responded. (Editor’s Note: The Leafs aren’t doing that well)

At the start, the Fever were led by, Hugo ‘Does it have Thalens?’, who almost single-handedly beat the Fog Devils. Huge-O scored the Fever’s first four goals, with his fourth knotting the score at 4 early in the second.

Pictured above: The Fever’s top line

After a Fog Devils’ goal to make it 5-4, the Fever’s second line of Kevin ‘Hank’ Hill, The Clutz-ter and Mike ‘Cous-Cous’ Cousineau finally converted on one of their many chances to tie the game on a beauty of a goal. On the play, Cous-Cous faked out the entire arena with his wicked slap pass across the slot. Inspector Clouseau, who was also convinced Cous-Cous was shooting, somehow managed to get his stick out just in time to deflect the shot into the lower right-hand corner of the net past a completely befuddled goalie.

“Sometoimes I solve deh chrimmmme by eh mistaaaahhhhke”

Honey nut Clusters added the game winning goal on the next shift on a shot from the top of the slot that benefited from great screens in front of the net by Cous-Cous and Hill. ‘Looks Great in Rayon,’ Graydon Tullis added an insurance goal to ice the game for the Fever.

Directly Above: Custer’s patented follow-through

Other noteworthy tidbits from the game include Heinz ‘Marxist-gout’ not taking any penalties, and Marxgut along with Martin ‘Skarin is carin’ and Brian ‘Vapin’ while poopin’ hard’ Pippard playing a great game on D for the Fever. One would think that after scoring 4 goals that Huge-O would have been the Fever’s game MVP, but, in a shocking post-game twist, Graydon ‘Durex’ Tullis took home the honors by supplying the team with celebratory post-game eggnog topped off with freshly grated nutmeg (see below). Merry Christmas!

(Editor’s Note: I hope that clicking on the gif below makes it work, I don’t know what the Hell I’m doing)

 

The Skinny:

Welcome back, folks! Week 7 was one heck of a doozie for the SHC community: we drank a lot of American Beer, stole a bunch of Russian pro’s gear, and – in a move that surprised everyone – even managed to spread a loving dose of family-friendly Christmas cheer. Needless to say, the phones have been ringing off the hook down here at the offices of the SHC with reports on all of the hockey-related goodness that’s been goin’ on around Shanghai.

Pictured above: the offices of the SHC (Barry Roe’s guest bathroom)

Not pictured: Exec team litter boxes

Admittedly, the most buzz surrounded the SHC’s most eagerly anticipated event of the season, the arrival of NHL superstars Pavel ‘Make Dat bootie go Clap-syuk’ and Ilya Koval-chuk-Ah ‘Ooga Ooga Ooga-Ah chuck-ah’ (Blue Suede, ya friggen’ beaut!). Much to our surprise, news came down the grapevine at the beginning of the week that the SHC would be given a windfall of 50 free tickets to the star-studded match. Sources say this move was intended to serve as an olive branch to signal the end of the ongoing Battle Royale taking place between the KHL execs and our very own J.P. ‘Grim Reaper’ Grimard, Jimmy ‘The Body’ Scotti, and Kevin ‘Teenie Weenie’ Martini.

‘some people resent their nicknames, others embrace them. Then there are those among us who literally own them. Congrats on the new franchise, Martini! Shanghai’s only red-headed stepchild, one-stop ginger shop!’

Unfortunately, SHC team members: Matt ‘I need to get back into Shape-ly’, Barry ‘I just got KO’d’ Roe, Shane ‘not my face, that’s my meal ticket’ Anderson, and Cole ‘I’ve discovered other, more spiritual, avenues of conflict resolution’ Paterson were all eliminated early on in the Exec-on-exec-team brawl.

Pictured above: Coley P – eschewing all forms of violence, and sleeves

Luckily for our SHC community, the savagery came to a standstill as Scotti ‘Too Hottie’ single-handedly chased the rest of the Ruskies out of the rink sometime after the 36^th hour.

 ‘that’s my secret, Cap – I’m always wearing bike shorts’

But enough about our problems. Here’s your roundup:

Monday Night (28th Nov.)

Ice Cocks 2 vs. Gingerbeards 5

Gingers Rejoice! After celebrating the opening of Kevin Martini’s newest store, the Gbeards racked up another W last night, kicking down the henhouse doors and stealing the rooster’s eggs (Editor’s note: Roosters don’t lay eggs – BO’s basic understanding of biology never ceases to amaze). It started early when one of the notorious “potbelly D” on the beards, none other than “Dennis the Menace” Larcombe, slammed in a greasy clauper* from the blue line early in the first.

*A subsidiary of Teenie Weenie inc.

That was followed up by 3 more unanswered points from ‘Frenchie’ Magnon, the “Boomtown Rat” Trevor “Boomie” Lai, and Jim “I will choke you with my arm sling” Scottie. A special shout out to cocks goalie, Chris ‘Cock Blocker’ Purnell for his dandy dish in front of his own net that allowed Scootylicious to put the biscuit top shelf, where Ol’ farmer Duke keeps the corn feed… and his copious supply of salt.

Pictured above: Barry Duke

The Ice cocks pecked away throughout the game trying to find the back of the Chicken coop unsuccessfully until about halfway through the second when Mark ‘I say, I say, Boy… Fog Horn Leg Horn’ Cobbett potted two in a row in in an attempt to keep the cocks from ending up as “rotisserie grillers” at Boston Market. Alas, it was not to be as the as the Beards’ ‘little Napoleon’ Magnon cracked one in off the post with a few minutes to spare, sending the cocks off to the butchers (editor’s note: the picture BO sent for ‘cocks + butcher’ was definitely NSFW).

Lowered Expectations 2 vs. Night Splash 1 [s/0]

This game marked the second time this year the ever-so-glorious Beauties in black squared off against their ‘little brother’ yellow nemesis’s. Since the LowEx squad were on the receiving end of a total ass kicking during their first match against the Night Splash, fans were expecting a regrouped and hungry team; however, the reality was absolutely different.

“C’mon guys! Somebody has to get on the ice to take the faceoff. C’mooooooonn! 

That’s right, folks: the LowExers were taking it pretty hard and heavy all night long! It was like a race between Dennis Larcrombe and Usain Bolt, and we can all imagine what that looks like. Right from the puck drop, it was wave after yellow wave crashing into the LoEx’s zone, with their top line of, Matt ‘don’t berate me’ Whately, Jay-league McKelvey and Yota ‘the Scrotum’ Tanabe making the LowEx players look like fools in their own zone. It seemed like fathers against sons out there, for crying out loud.

If there were ever a photo that perfectly captured the sentiment of ‘Lowered Expectations’, this is it

However, as fate is a fickle bitch, LowExer’s got on the board first when Billy ‘shortbus’ Longstreet batted one in. After that, the Splash showed no mercy and rallied by keeping the puck deep in the LowExer’s zone for what seemed to be an eternity. Only some good puck-luck and 5 black jerseys in front of the net kept game 1-0 until 5 minutes before the end, when a sloppy play allowed ‘Righty-Tighty’ Tanabe to score the equalizer. The rest of the game-plan for the LowExer’s was basically “ice the fawkin’ puck”, which was really all they could do.

Nothing major happened in OT, so it was shootout time. The Night Splash lined up with their best of the best; however, their poor performance and the LowExer’s ‘X-Marks-the-Spot’ Qin’s soft hands made the game 2-1 for the Lowered Expectations. Both teams want to forget about this one as fast as possible folks, but first, something you’ll never forget:

“When you hold meeeeee, in your arms so tight you let me knowwwww everything’s all right”

Tuesday Night (29th Nov.)

Chiefs 3 vs. Night Splash 1

Tuesday night started with some fairly straightforward line shuffling as the Bergie (that was suspended for punching a guy) showed up late, while the Bergie (that didnt punch the guy) made it just in time. The decision was made by the Wuggi to have the Bergie (that didnt punch the guy) and the Eddie to form a Wuggi-Bergie-Eddie line until the Bergie (that Punched the guy) could join the usual Wuggi-Bergie-Bergie line… minus the Eddie. But! Before the Eddie departed the Bergie and the Wuggi, he fed the Wuggi-monster, who deked the goalie for a sick snipe. Still with us? The Wuggi then joined forces with the Bergie and the Bergie, to fight off the Suzuki, the Usami and the Nakatake, scoring another two beauties in the process. Great D from the Mushy and the Seavy kept the McKelvy and the Whatley from getting too giggley.

Pictured above: ‘The Bushy’

Ice Cocks 1 vs. Lowered Expectations 0

In this snusfest (huhuh, see what I did there!) we saw two teams go at each other in what was objectively a boring affair. The real action happened in the scorekeeper’s box, where a drunken Wookie Wugz couldn’t help but chirp over the microphone while gameplay was still pretty tight. Reports suggest that it’s possible that Oogie Boogie Wuggi was a bit lit up at the time, and there’s plenty of evidence to support that claim:

Pictured above: Datsyuk’s gear stall. Keen observers will note he has two of everything

Pictured below: An SHC ‘beauty kit’, you’ll also see two of everything that matters

As expected, one of the Lowered Expectation beauties (also possibly whilst wrecked) approached the box at the end of the game to engage in a gentlemanly discourse with the offending parties. In the end nobody got hurt; snus pucks were exchanged, and we’re all still one big happy – albeit ugly – family.

Friday Night (2nd Dec.)

Fever 5 vs. Fog Devils 3

Friday night started with an entertaining affair featuring two teams hungry for a win and looking to prove themselves. The Fever, after a strong start to the season, decided to take a two-game nap and were looking to get back on track. The Fog Devils, on the other hand, who have now safely secured the first pick in the mid-season draft, decided it was finally a safe time to bring a full team to the game and attempt to break out of their season long slumber.

The first half was a back and forth affair with both goalies (Wayne Brettzky and Barry Shotz) making big saves for each team. It was the Fever that got on the scoreboard first as ‘Mad’ Max Wendelin scored on a slick backhand goal. Later in the frame, ‘Captain’ Custer added to the Fever lead as he and Kevin Hill found themselves on a 2-on-0 inside the hash marks. As is SHC policy, one of the generous Devil defenders was given an assist for tossing up a pizza.

“Pizzzzzaaahhhhhhh”

However, after going down 2-0 the Fog devils showed great heart and battled back as Danny “Yes, I am still in the league” Guo made a great play to Kita who finished with a beauty of a clauper from the top of the slot. Not be outdone, Brian “back the size of Baltimore” Pippard responded with a top cheddar slap shot of his own from the point to reestablish the Fever’s two goal lead.

The second half featured more of the same as the teams exchanged goals and scoring opportunities. First, Frank ‘Ze Tank’ Schmidt blasted one home for the Fog Devils from the slot. The fever answered when Mike “McHustlenuts” Mckevett earned a well-deserved goal, banging in a rebound off a Kevin “Best referee in the League” Hill shot. Shortly thereafter, the slimmer looking Jared “Jenny Craig” Kubas made the score 4-3 with a slapper of his own from the left the circle.

“You guys are just sayin’ that cuz you have to”

“Noooo, no, Kubie! You look great, man.”

“Yeah, buddy – whatever you’re doing, it’s working”

“Ohhhhhh I love you guys. Bestieeees with Testeeeees!”

The game remained 4-3 going into the final two minutes with the fog devils applying constant pressure. But alas, it was all for naught, as ‘Mad’ Max Wendelin ended the game the way he started it, with a goal (empty netter) to ice the win for the Fever.

Hamburglars 1 vs. Dirty Blues 5

After the Fever’s win, it seemed like just another Saturday night at the rink, and everything was looking up for the Hamburglars. Jovial laughter abounded in the locker room, and there was nary a worry in the world. Hamburglars’ 17-year-old Chinese-speaking forward, Joey Goo was even happily conveying his excitement at having met Pavel Datsyuk through pure mime and charades!

“I hed Two jocks in zat stall. Vhy are you vearing one?”

*shakes head nervously*

“Nyet! I can zee the bulge in your pants!” 

*looks down confused…. then smiles awkwardly*

Then something unexpected happened…

Barnaby: “hey, does anybody else smell barbeque sauce?”

Liu #1: “Yeah, yeah I think I do”

Antti: “Oh no…Oh God no! …that means…”

…Baritone laughter from somewhere in the distance shook the room, and an impossibly loud “Oh FAWWWK YAH BUD!” echoed down the hallway, breaking everyone’s concentration. Everybody in the league knew what that laughter meant; it heralded the arrival of  none other than ‘Dimebag’ Darryl Slaney, who was ready to return to the SHC lineup just in time to slather up some baby back passes and tee up some whoppers from the slot for his second game (and multi-point night) of the season.

Initial rumours suggested that the infamously illiterate ‘in-Slane in the membrane’ only showed up because he misread the schedule and thought there would be free hamburgers. Alas, it was to the Hamburglars’ demise as he took a huge bite out of their confidence before the game even began.

Gameplay got off to a quick start as both sides took turns putting on the pressure in what was initially a hockey game worth watching. It wasn’t long, however, before fate took its course and Hambies’ defender Kemp ‘why are you making me play defence?’ Collings took a puck in the mouth and had to leave the game for some zips.

An onlooking Slaney, who by this point was jealous because he was just fawken starvin’, turned up the grill and fed the tremendous tandem of ‘the silent J’s’, Jofa and Jan, who got to work on the hapless hambies’ defensive core. It all started when Jofa ‘inside, outside, all around the town-side’ Natour put on a goddam clinic, deking the jock off of some anonymous defenceman before effortlessly sniping a top corner finish on a bedazzled Barry ‘I’m gonna stay low’ Roe. Honestly folks, if you’ve ever played NHL 97 with a goalie whose rating was 32/100, you’d know exactly why Jofa was laughing his way all the way to the bench.

“Ja Ja Ja, it was easier than scoring goals in my childhood, when all we had were pucks of snus and wild sheep for goalies, Ja Ja Ja”

The tide seemed to turn in the second half as perpetual shoulder magnet, Isaac ‘McBodycheck’ did what he does best: draw penalties using his face. “But sweet Jesus, what a match!” Is what you would’ve said if the ‘Burglin’ buds could’ve capitalized on just one of their 5 PP opportunities in this gongshow of a match-up. It just wasn’t meant to be. But hey, at least Barry and Brett played sick when they were in the Dirty Snus’ end of the ice.

Pictured above: Brett Syer 

Week 6: Intrigue Behind the Scenes with the KHL!

Sufferin’ Succotash, folks! With all the rescheduling and strong-arming by the KHL Executive goon-squad, it’s kind of hard to tell where ‘Week 5’ ended and ‘Week 6’ began. Many sources have reported that a major breakdown in communications happened when the KHL management team noticed that Kevin ‘Gin Blossom’ Martini had cut off his mullet, a heavily favoured and prevalent symbol of virility and business acumen in Russian culture. Needless to say, as a result it’s been a tough week of negotiations with our new KHL landlords.

SHC Exec

“Brother! Every time we think we’ve got this ssssufferin’ schedule fixed…”

KHL Exec

*Haughty Laughter* “Ah yes, comrade, halp me light these expeseeve cigar. Tell me, Igor, Iz there anything better than deciding vhere and vhen ve can play profahsional hockey, at the drop of a hat?” *Haughty Laughter* 

The Skinny:

Although lines of communication appear to be stable for the time being, it took a lot to re-convince the KHL exec that our mullet-less SHC fun-boys were in fact ‘men’ worth talking to. The two sides sat down for a meeting on Wednesday night to suss it out. It didn’t help matters that Matt ‘Why does everyone hate me?’ Whatley and ‘Sugar Shanerz’ Anderson were reportedly bickering over who was better at Candy Crush.

The breakthrough happened when SHC resident beauty, Cole Paterson put forward the idea for a 7-on-7 exec squad brawl. The idea was that both exec teams would fight it out to see who would own the rink – once and for all.

Pictured above: An actual thing that actually exists

The proposal was apparently well-received until the KHLers suggested the brawl be ‘Russian Style’, which, if you’re unaware, is exactly what it sounds like: a shirtless melee while wrecked on a twixer of Smirnoff, immediately after eating a pound of pickled Vobla as fast as possible.

 

Pictured above: ‘Russian Style’

Mostly everyone in the room was reportedly in favour of the agreement until Barry ‘Doe-eyed’ Roe’s crippling body image issues forced the SHC boys to back down at the last minute. We caught up with him later for a comment: “Okay, everybody knows I never change out of my jammies after we play, so none of this should come as a surprise to anyone. Plus, my suggestion of playing a team round of Tetris to determine the outcome wasn’t taken nearly as seriously as it should’ve been. Besides, I’m allergic to fish.”

“So then I says, I goes, ‘Hey, what gives! I grew up hockey fightin’. If I can’t jersey a guy, I’m useless anyways, ya know?”
“Okay, so that’s when you suggested Tetris?”

“Oh you betcha, bud! That’s the only other thing I grew up doin’… We had a lotta snow days where I’m from, ya know?”

Rest assured, we’ll be giving you the latest as the situation develops. For now, here’s your roundup:

Friday Night

Lowered Expectations 4 vs. Chiefs 1

‘The ‘Vape-bandit’ Briandet, out of breath on the back-check

The ‘Friday Night Lights’ were turned up to blinding intensity at the Feiyang Beer League Mecca on Friday night (Of course we mean that entirely figuratively, most nights we’re lucky if they turn on half the lights, let alone flood the ice). The evening opened with Lowered Expectations finally getting a chance to play somebody else other than the Tinder-weirds, which clearly gave the black squad a much needed boost. The boys in blue were missing their top scorer Aaron Bergman, and were woefully one stride behind throughout the game. Regardless, it goes without saying that hot guns like Leon “ Wuggi “ Li and Captain Fitz Desmet caused occasional trouble in Black’s defensive zone; however, with tallies from Billabong Street, Tony Soprano, Simon Garfunkulus, and Harvey Birdman, by the end it was pretty clear who would be enjoying the cool, clean, crisp taste of free Bud after the game.

Fitzy, doing what he does best – gettin’ low down on that flo

After the 50-minute beatdown by the bastardly black beauties, the scoreboard displayed a 4-1 victory for the Lowered Expectations. Official post-game interviews on CCTV5 showed a relaxed and confident bunch of Low Exers, many of whom were just happy to have survived another hard but clean battle without any further injuries. Rumours circulating after the game suggested that Chiefs player, ‘Rowdy Robbie Peeper’, somehow managed to shotgun three aluminum bottles of Bud before punching a hole in the wall. It should be noted, however, that nobody could verify the whispers as the entire Chiefs squad had relocated to Suzuki’s favorite KTV in the Japanese quarter of Shanghai for a team discussion and couple of oldies from Pat Boone.

 

 A curiously tame Billy ‘shortbus’ Longstreet watches the play unfold, like the gentleman scholar he has become

Gingerbeards 3 vs. Night Splash 2

The Gingerbeards and Splashers went head-to-head on Friday night in a tight battle of checking and puck luck. As most members of the Gingerbeards are in fact suffering from every degenerative eyesight disorder known to man, the details that came in were a bit sketchy, to say the least. Captain ‘Braveheart’ Brian Olrich had this to say: “Well, ya know. We went out there and gave it our all, so, you know, we didn’t leave anything out there on the ice. I mean, Yeah, We brought it all out there. And then we… spent it up and… whatever Anderson just write the stupid thing and make it sound friggen’… schooly and wordsy. Stop Wechatting me, I’m trying to eat dinner and the wife thinks you’re another woman, which you basically are. Go to Hell.”

Marty McSorepinky of the Fingerbarbs was good for a pair on the night, while Kevin ‘Sweety’ Martini drove the dagger home late with a clapper from  hell. “Yeah that was me,” he commented. “I just did what I do best and closed my eyes and let the ol’ stick do the work. You young guys are idiots for skating around so much. Just shoot the damn thing! It works for me!”

Apparently, Angel ‘Fine I’ll do it myself’ Wang potted a pair for herself with some help from Jay-Jay McLovin’ for the Splash nation.

Saturday Night

 The Hamburglars 6 vs. Binqiu Beardogs 3

In what was expected to be a repeat of last weekend’s matchup, when the Beardogs handily defeated the ‘burglin’ bunch (go read the roundup, you friggen’ beauty), the max capacity crowd was delightfully surprised to witness a textbook display of retribution.

Early play was fast-paced and packed with crisp passes at both ends of the ice. Especially in the Hamburglars end, where Shane ‘The Humanitarian’ Anderson decided to get into the holiday spirit a bit early, sending over a perfectly placed puck to opposing player, Thomas ‘the Tank Engine’ Yulzari, who was standing all alone in the slot. In a post-game interview, Yulzari had this to say: “I… couldn’t believe it. I’m not used to getting passes that nice, even from my own teammates. The only thing that ruined it was somebody yelling ‘PIZZAAAHHH’ right as I sniped top cheddar.”

Actual still shot from the game. Pictured above: Anderson after his atrocious giveaway. Definitely not coach Bombay

Luckily for the ‘burglin’ bros, twin beauts Adam and A-Aron Liu dismantled the play in the neutral zone and turned the game into an absurd number of odd-man rushes, sparking a pattern that would keep the Beardogs on their haunches for the rest of the game. Each of the Liu’s skated away with a pair of goals. ‘The ShawFranck Redemption’ and Isaac McTrickledick also potted one each. Handy Anderson also walked away with an assist on the scoresheet, even though he didn’t assist on any of his own team’s goals…

 

Team Iceland from D2: The Mighty Ducks? No. That’s Aaron Liu right there in the middle, you friggen’ beaut

There might have been a chance for the Binqiu Bastards to turn the tide late in the game, but most players were just too exhausted. You see, before the game – in a ‘This is China’ moment – a section of glass shattered when Adam ‘you’re my boy, Liu’ skated as hard as he could at the boards before he realized he didn’t know how to stop. Then, to make matters worse, a replacement pane exploded when Popeye Pipski decided he would lend his strength to the struggling rink crew by deadlifting the entire rear section of the end boards. Regardless, Binqiu beauties Dan ‘YOLO’ Wolo and Franklin D. Frankincense had enough left in the tank to snipe one each.

Luis Mendoza from D2: The Mighty Ducks? Wrong again, idiot. That’s Adam Liu. Crashing into the goddam glass

 

The Dirty Blues 1 vs. Binqiu Beardogs 0

Jofa scored one and everybody else got a bunch of penalties. Everybody else was too focused on the Bud. Larcombe was the real hero.

“There’s a game going on? Screw it – it took too long to replace the glass”

 

Pictured above: Dennis “Large One” Larcombe. Always smiling’ for reasons we hope his nickname has made abundantly clear

The Hamburglars 8 vs. Fever 1

In the final game of the evening, both sides had a lot to prove. The Fever were out to prove last week’s loss in regulation against the Bearpups was a fluke, while the hard workin’ Hamburglars were out to prove they don’t mind being taken too lightly. Lo and behold, the Liu tandem turned up the heat and wound up proving more than anybody else – they combined for 11 points in the game (7 ginos and 4 apples).

Stalwart defensive performances from ‘Stonewall’ Jackson and Kemp ‘Straight outta Compton’ Collins helped smack down a talented, aggressive, and offensively-minded top line of Brad ‘Da Beauty’ Newly, ‘Mad’ Max Wendelin, and Hugo ‘Chavez’ Thalen. ‘The Humanitarian’ Anderson was at it once again, generously misplaying the one-on-one between him and opposing D-man ‘Soda PoPipski’. After Peppermint Pipsy struck gold in the five-hole, he gave a quick interview during the commercial break: “yeah, you know *pulls a thick rip on his vape* I wasn’t sure what he was doing out there, but eh, I deked him right out and that’s embarrassing for him. He’ll be livin’ that down for weeks. We were shorthanded, too – hahahaha. It’s okay though. Shaner doesn’t get mad at me for anything I do. Not a single thing.”

 

Pictured above: Brian PoPipski. We have photoshopped his vape device with a soda bottle because ‘Jurassic Vape’ declined our deal to sponsor the league.

The game continued to trudge onward as both sides started taking a few liberties, and huge hits! That’s right, folks – Old Time Hockey (OFYB). Luckily for the ‘burglin’ beauts, Pipski’s arms were too tired by the end of the game to continue pummeling the ‘burlars’ 16-year-old Chinese kid who had to learn a few lessons about heads-up hockey the hard way.

“Ni Gan Ma? Wei Shenme?”

Post game Bevvviesssss

 

 

 

 

 

 

Week 5

SCANDAL-NAVIA!

It’s been a long week down here at the offices of the SHC (i.e., Barry Roe’s guest bathroom). And folks, you wouldn’t believe the amount of PR fallout we’ve been dealing with since the newest SHC scandal rocked us on Friday night!

THE SKINNY

The eyewitness testimonies are still rolling in, but early reports suggest that one of our very own SHC members, possibly while drunk on the new shipment of Budweiser, challenged a few members of the Kunlun Redstar KHL club to a “Finnish Fight.” Now, we aren’t exactly sure what constitutes a ‘Finnish Fight’, but rumour has it that it’s pretty much a UFC bout, just using the Zamboni snow dump area instead of a cage.

Put both your haand on the cart and push, Whatley. No wooonder I looks like I’m at the wet Tee-shirt competeeshion. Ja Ja Ja!

Regardless, as you all know: we here at the SHC condone fisticuffs of any kind. But the Finn in our corner, who shall remain nameless, apparently had something to prove. As a result, our benevolent overlords at the KHL have put a blanket ban on all SHC members from coming anywhere within 100 meters of Ol’ Finn-tastic Feiyang any time the Redstars are playing a game.

Oh look, are those the Redstar Players? Let’s Finnish up, drink for a bit, and go visit them! 

Admittedly, the incident caught a lot of the SHC North American onlookers off guard. The Swedes, Czechs, Finns, and Russians among us, on the other hand, simply shrugged it off as commonplace.

“Vat do you vant, Albert? I told you I’m tryeeng to vork here.”
“Vat!? Finnish Fight? Vhere ees it? I come at Intermeesion”

As a result, regularly scheduled games were carelessly spread across the week – much in the same way a reckless, drunken Finn carelessly spreads his stomach contents across the gutters of Shanghai.

 

Beardogs 5 vs. Fever 1 (Tuesday)

Whoooo Gosh DANG! It took a few weeks for it to happen, folks, but the ‘Ol’ Yeller with a Fever’ squad finally got put out of its misery. (in regulation this time!) The last time these two teams met, it was the classic A Tale of Two Cities scenario, but instead of a beautiful story featuring masterful metaphor and Dickensian eloquence, it was more of a bush-league debacle featuring a lousy bunch of dicks.

You see, a few weeks back the Swedish Berry-dogs let the first game slip away to a cunning group of cherry-picking forwards. This time around, however, the Baredicks decided to slap on the protection, restricting the ‘Fevered Plebes’ to fewer than 10 shots on the night.

Game highlights included solid performances from stolid blue-liners, J.P. ‘My GRIM-shake brings all the boys to the yARD’ and ‘Dirty’ Harry-son, who were resolute to haul down any filthy dusters who stepped over the line. Equally stingy partners, ‘Disheveled’ Neville Hemming and Matt ‘da Gat’ Hume, back stopped a group of forwards who played aggressively at both ends of the ice.

On the offensive side of the fence, the perpetually potent Patrik started the night early, arousing the fresh crowd of all-female SHC (Patrik?) followers with his silky display of passing. On one play in particular, he passed the puck to all 4 players on his line before burying it in the net – which gave the multitudes of puck bunnies something to instagram about.

Jeff MacDonald, somewhat aggravated by the bevy of beauties watching Ruiz, did his best to switch up the focus, scoring twice to lead the Beardogs offensive charge. The first, a sweet tip (just the tip) off a Harrison cannon from the point, made it 2-0. The 2nd came off the ensuing draw, as he intercepted a D to D pass (and we use the term ‘D to D’ loosely, we’re just being nice to a plastered Pipski, who was probably seeing double at this point) and went in alone, turning a 1-0 nail-biter into 3-0 lead in a matter of 10 seconds. Other tallies included Alan ‘Frankincense’ lighting the scented lamp on a nifty backhand, and Harri-Potter’s-son tucking a gem away into the top corner late in the game.

Like the Zika carrying mosquitoes that emblazon their chests, there was a lot of toxic buzzing coming from the boys in yellow.   Overheard after the game: “if the refs called every little thing they whined about, there wouldn’t be anyone left on the ice, and they were the dirtier team!”

All in all, a dominant raw-dog performance for the baredicks.

 

Night Splash 5 vs. Lowered Expectations -2 (Friday)

 Lo, ye have heard of Him;

Yea, He walks in the valley of the shadow of pink trim.

Forevermore known as He who sees your sin,

Yet it is He who speaks of it not.

As it is He who leads you to the den of temptation,

And He who picks up the tab —

–Suzuki, the Beauty.

 

Friday night was indeed a night of legendary scripture. Such a performance as hasn’t been seen in the SHC in its 10-year tenure here in Shanghai. Some speak of miracles – others of luck. Some even accuse Night Splash captain, Sochiro Suzuki, of making a deal with the devil just to suddenly acquire the flowing gait and hypnotizing poise that he possessed for just this one fabled evening at Feiyang Skating Arena.

He didn’t score any points, of course, but Suzuki needn’t do such a thing. His very presence on the ice, swirling majestically, carving unexpectedly, flailing about gracefully, was enough to entrance the enraptured crowds of obedient onlookers. His performance was valuable, nay, integral… in boosting his ‘cult of the Night’ Splashers to victory.

YODA, one of the pink-trimmed faithful, scored twice in the Faustian affair, enticing Angel-ina ‘Goal-for-me’, who assisted on two of her own before finding the twine for herself. Jay McKelvey, entranced by the sweet sweet Suzuki siren song couldn’t help but dangle his way in for one of his own, a sweet homage to his newest infatuation – his newest addiction. And the nubile Matt Whately, the innocent choir-boy the SHC holds so dear, he too fell victim to the Suzuki song, scoring one of his own and adding a helper in a fit of Suzuki-induced ecstasy.

 

Dirty Blues 4 vs. Fog Devils 2 (Monday)

 Everybody hates Mondays, especially the Fog Devils. The DBs showed some great teamwork against the strugglin’ for some lovin’ boys in red. All things being fair, it should be pointed out to all you haters in the SHC that although the FDs may have had a rough start to the season, one needs to be aware of their deadly potential. Led by the heroic Hansel (so hot right now) they are definitely a tough team to beat. The DBs, who were without some key beauties once again, posted some strong D and squeaked out a close win. Foggy D-lights had a sick snipe from Albert ‘I’ll bring your Snus this weekend’ Radulov and another from… number…12.. I guess? The Dirty Baaaatch snipers of this game were Harri Carri, Dr. Hide and Seek, David Dunkin’ Donuts, and Ricardo ‘what an odd name for a’ Swede. DB Captain Jansel (so hot right now) is more than happy to report that anyone on his team can snipe. He had this to say after the game:

“OH Fawk YAH, AndddyYYYY! We’re gonna have a full squad of beauties on Dis weekend, You know! Unh? All of us! Just for dose Fawking Fever bastards and Bastard BEARdogs! EH, why aren’t YOU DRINKING!?”

“Because it’s Monday, Jan…”

“AhhhhhHHHHhhhh WhhhAAAAT!”

No word yet on whether Jan’s open challenge to Fever’s Captain Custer for a “Finnish Fight” has been accepted.

 

 LE 4 vs. The Ginger Beards 3 (Tuesday)

In their third matchup of the season the LEx squad and the Ginger stepchildren went head to head on Tuesday night. Ironically, the atmosphere and weather conditions inside the notoriously erratic Feiyang skating rink made it the best place in Shanghai to be for this classic rivalry. Both squads were missing some key players, but that didn’t stop either team from offering a circus of enjoyment for the legions of brave Tuesday-night spectators.

The Grandfather clocks where missing their Captain, BO ‘it’s not just a clever nickname’, who apparently donated his cojones to this wife and stayed at home in the kitcen in order to get the basting just right for his roast turkey this special Thursday. Some whispers were heard in Gingers fan zone that the team might actually play a lot better since BO wasn’t around stinkin’ the place up. Regardless, the Ginger bingers battled hard and smashed out a good back-and-forth, which is to be expected after last week’s thrashing at the hands of Hellenius’ hellions.

The Gingerbeards’ first-round-overall pick, Marty McSore Pinky, scored all his team’s goals. As for the LEx Luthors, four different players, including Steve ‘it’s not a shart’ Lockhart, got their name onto the poorly filled scoresheet. Shortly after the game it was obvious that these two teams need to take a break from each other and play against somebody else for once.

 

Ice Cocks 7 vs. Chiefs 2 (Friday)

On Friday, the Ice Cocks hammered the Chiefs in a landslide election victory. The Chiefs were missing a bunch of beauts, and it was a pretty one-sided affair, much like the actual election. Apparently, Fitzy was all sulky afterward, which was a bit of a buzz-kill on the ride home. Cock Cap’n BD had this to say:

“Get over it, you bleedin’ heart Liberal Demo-slut! Slobby Cobbett got a whole bunch of goals and the Cock defence was aight. No need to gloat, Fitz, but you lost. You got small hands, and you lost. We’re gonna make the SHC great gain – Tremendous. Believe me.”

 

Ice Cocks 3 vs. Night Splash 0 (Monday)

OMG. Remember last night when like, the Ice Cocks played the Night splash and the Ice Cocks like toooootally dominated them?! This happened IRL, you dirty batches, lol! But goalies Karl and Anton were like… either really good or like really large all the time or something, and it was like literally so super hard to score. But Wada was like, “oh look at me, I’m a super ninja guy,” in front of the net – or whatever – totally whacking in a one-timer. It was SOOOOO cool. I KNOW – OH Shut UP you SLORE!

Then it was like back and forrrrth and the Ice Cocks had like, all these shots and that super cute guy, Tommy, missed the net by literally 5cm like A THOUSAND TIMES, and the Night Splash had these giant heads from beating Peter’s team on the weekend, so they were all like waiting for Angel to set them up all night, but she was like, “whatever, I cant do everything, you lazy slllllores!”

I totally think the Ice Cocks got 2 ginos or whatever from their defencemen because the forwards were like SO useless at scoring. Then afterward, wow, there was this big problem because Suzuki forgot to get beer and everybody was swearing in Japanese and stuff, except at Angel because she’s like literally Chinese and doesn’t swear.

 

THE UNLUCKY WEEK OF DEATH: WEEK 4

Well folks, the infamous “Week of Death” has come to pass, and it proved to be just that for a few teams down at ol’ Feeeeeei-Yannnnggggtastic Ice Skating Rink over the weekend. At one point, in a seemingly ironic (expected?) incident, emergency crews were called in to put out a blaze originating in the Lowered Expectations’ locker room due to a “carelessly discarded cigarette.” And wouldn’t you know it, folks – not 10 minutes after they left – the rescue crews were called back to help find frightened and disoriented rookie, Neville Hemming, who somehow wound up naked and afraid in the dark, ill-omened labyrinth that our cavernous storage room has become. Here’s hoping Hemming’s claims of being pulled into an “upside-down world” somewhere near the Night Splash equipment racks turns out to be more fiction than fact. But bad things happen in threes…right?

The monster Neville claimed he saw…

The Hamburglin’ bro he probably Did see…

FRIDAY NIGHT

Binqiu Beardogs 5 vs. Dirty Blues 4 (OT)

What a gosh darn barn burner, ladies and gents. If there was one game you should’ve made your girlfriend come out to watch this season, this was it. Actually, come to think of it, it’s probably better that you didn’t. This game had everything: sweet goals, nifty passes, deadly dangles, angry Swedes – you name it. Right from the drop of the puck this game was intense. It was a tight battle for a while, with both teams exchanging goals tit-for-tat. Janzy, Jofa, Browner, and Thorse Cock all connected on some beauty passes and odd-man rushes in what looked to be a dominating performance. At one point midway through the second half, it even looked like the Dirty Blues were going to cruise to a comfortable victory, but then some Swedish-speaking man model on the Blues’ bench decided to chirp Patrick ‘I’m gonna bring ya to your shanna na na na na na knees’ Ruiz in a delightfully mocking, yet musical, accent. And from that point onward, ‘Easy Breezy Ruizy’ flipped the switch, making a mockery of some of the best d-men in the league… on both teams… Figure that one out. He capitalized on some special teams opportunities, potting a shorty and a PP dinger to tie the game up before Ryan Harrison Ford let a clapper go from the hashmarks to drive the dagger home. The Patrick “here’s a hat-trick” show delivered lion heart Ryan Harrison a solid three goals on the night. Ruiz himself skated off into the sunset with 4 points of his own.

Luckily for us ‘normals’, the stupidly handsome and impossibly nice ‘Rowdy Roddy’ Ruiz left the rink without all of our wives on his arm.

Hamburglars 5 vs. Fog Devils 1

It goes without saying that one of the best things about the ‘burglars bench is that they’ve got 3 full lines of grinders (and ‘Grindrs’ – download the app and swipe right to find out more!). Fresh off their team-building get together at Parrot bar last weekend, the Hardworkin’ Hambies got to work fast, jamming the play in the neutral zone and picking off some ripe stretch passes – as the tenacious ‘burglars forecheck tends to do. It wasn’t long before ‘You done messed up, A-Aron’ Liu started sharing the turned-over loot with his fellow band of thieves, picking up three assists on some delicious dishes across the slot. All round good guy, Kemp Kristoffer Kollings (a decent, outstanding citizen who happens to wear a bright white helmet), was the recipient of a couple of those beauty saucers, burying the biscuit with symbolic pride. Joey ‘I still can’t drink in several countries around the world’ Barnaby continued his hot streak by potting one of his own. Not to be shown up, Foggy D’s forward, ‘Super Nintendo’ Nakata, snuck behind the Hambies’ dozy defense and struck twine on a nifty redirection when everybody least expected it. Hamburglars’ vets, Adam ‘#2’ Liu and ‘Jack Johnson’ Jackson also rocked a gino.

SATURDAY NIGHT 

Binqiu Beardogs 5 vs. Hamburglars 2

Well, the Binqiu Bearbastards were at it again Saturday night, looking to end the weekend on a two-and-O tear, which they clearly did – look at the header, you friggen’ beaut. The game started off quick, with Patrick ‘top cheese’ Ruiz ripping a fricken’ laser beam through the ‘burgs defense directly into the top corner on the very first shift. Apparently Shin hadn’t even realized the puck had dropped yet. It wasn’t a good sign for the ‘burgs, who spent the rest of the game trying to figure out the dominant defensive pair-ups of: ‘if I’m lyin’ I’m Ryan’ Harrison and Jean Poutine Grim-yar-dreams, AND Jeff ‘how much of a generic hockey name is this?’ MacDonald and Neville ‘appeasement is my middle name’ Chamberlain.

Ruiz picked up a pair, while Stu ‘with or without chu’ Chan, Dan ‘I just learned how to play hockey and I’m better than you’ Wouskchziyeiek, and Will ‘no, I’m not related to Adam and Aaron’ Liu picked up one a piece. On the ‘burgs side of the fence, Action Jackson scored an identical goal to Friday’s and Franck Le Skank got a nice one, too.

Luckily for the ‘burgs, none of their trophy wives were there to watch Ruizy make it look easy.

Lowered Expectations 7 vs. Gingerbeards 1

With the biggest line up so far this year (9 players), Lowered Expectations showed no mercy to their elderly Gingers in their 7-1 victory. It was clear from the beginning which team would be pounding some geriatric ass on Sanlin’s crystal smooth ice. LE constantly got the puck in deep to the Grandfathers’ end, leaving the aged but ruggedly handsome Ginger bingers in trouble.

Scoring was started by LE’s own Yuzo ‘The Wasabi Rocket’ Tanabe in the game’s early minutes. However, Martin ‘The Miracle Pinky’ Magnan showed that hockey doesn’t need all 10 fingers by ripping the equalizer a few minutes later. After that, Captain ‘Sneaky Pete’ Helenius stepped up with two heavy boomers that changed the score to 3-1 in favour of the Black squad. The few thousand Lowered Expectations fans could hear the spines of the Gender-weirds snap. The rest of the game got rather chippy as LE continued to dominate. The ginger veneer started to crack when Jim ‘BullMoose’ Scotti started throwing bodies to the floor and pointing at his next victims indiscriminately.

The final tallies resulted in a hat-trick for Yuzo Yamada, 2 goals for Helenius, and a solid defensive effort by Rekrutiak and Longstreet (who was curiously well behaved and scoring goals like a goddam pro).

I said earlier that terrible things happen in threes… Well… it would seem that somebody crept up on Kevin Martini in his sleep and cut off his legendary ginger mullet we all came to know and love. It was shorn at some point last week, possibly on November 11th, leaving all the Gingerbeards in a deep fit of depression and sombre remembrance. 

“What the hell were they pointing at?”

“I don’t know, man. Wait, where the Hell is my wife!?”

“Hold on, let me Wechat Ruiz – it happens all the time.”

Dirty Blues 8 vs. Fog Devils 3

The DBs came into the Saturday game with some sour feelings from the Friday OT loss. After a slow start, when they were down 2:1, they eventually snapped out of the blues and dominated the rest of the game. Although missing key players such as Thor, Siggy, Dunn and Slaney, the night’s stellar performance was largely due to two nationalities: Japan and Sweden. For Japan, The B league call up Yuzo, who played on the first line with J&J (Jan/Jofa), scored a hat trick during his first performance in the A league. Moreover, the absolute beauty, Dr. Hide, scored his first goal of the season to mark a total of 4 snipes for the Japanese boys.

For the Swedish contingent, Frederick ‘The Nightmare on Elm Street’ Nyquist was flying around – like always – proving his place as one of the toughest defenders in the league (he was probably trying to work off his 3 penalties and ejection from the Friday game). Jofa proved, yet again, to be a true sniper and playmaker, and his strong leadership gave the DBs much needed support and confidence. Finally, the defensive pair known as ‘The Canadian Border’: Browner and Coley, had a strong weekend, making every forward who even thought about stepping over the line reconsider the trip. Overall, the DBs’ 3 points from the past weekend pushed them into the lead of the SHC A league. Just another strong signal to their opponents that they are getting stronger.

Ice Cocks 8 vs. The Chiefs 3

The Ice Cocks ran up the score on the listless, Leiskeless Chiefs in the midnight game on the weekend. Dyer, Aspell and Rice played solid D, giving up no real scoring opportunities and also joining in on the offence. Moving to forward, Manfred ‘Man Hands’ Ortmaier and Cam ‘Bon Jovi’ Bonspiel had great games. Orts set up ol’ slobby Cobbett with a beautiful pass from behind the net for an early goal and Bonspiel hurried hard to get one in on a greasy rebound in the second frame. Cobbet got the hat-trick plus 2 assists to pull away in the standings, while Dyer, Duke and Thompson (who had a pair) rounded out the scoring. Leon Li scored a beauty from the goal line (where it meets the boards) in the first, followed by Berg and Bergie, but it wasnt enough as the previously undeated Chiefs Fitzzled out in their first tough matchup of the season.