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OH. MY. GAWD. FOLKS.

We like, totes made it to week 16. And it’s like, even though my parents are being total losers right now and literally grounded me for what happened last weekend. It was so totes worth it.

Pictured Above: Most definitely not the dvd cover of a plotless, 17-minute-long movie that ends in a literal climax 

*sigh* That’s right, folks – we made it. With one more week left on the schedule and the playoff matchups pretty much locked in, week 16’s games didn’t exactly bring out the ‘soberest’ of beer leaguers. Nonetheless, in true SHC fashion, we said some goodbyes in style, made some regretful decisions, and woke up a lot more comfortable with this concept of gender fluidity that these millennials keep ravin’ about nowadays. But more on that later – here’s your friggen’ roundup:

Friday Night

Night Splash 2 vs. Gingerbeards 3

So the beards went into the double header weekend trying to recover some dignity after last weekends 6-to-nothing Goose Egg against the Night Splash, aka, “Suzuki’s wet dream machine“. The night started quickly with an early shot from the right side of the ice by ‘Schitty Shotty’ Scotti that bounced off a few skates and ended up in the back of the net giving the Beards a 1-0 lead. That was quickly answered with some ‘Splashback‘, tying the game at 1. Shortly thereafter, Dennis the Menace put the Beards back up with a Beauty feed from Orville Reddenbacher’s lubbach, but again the lead was quickly answered by that pesky Splashback.

Late in the second the Beards took the lead for good with a ‘Godfather’ Goffman snipe that “sealed the Deal,” bringing Suzuki’s wet dream to a premature close. Despite a pulled goalie and an extra attacker in the final minutes of the game, the Beards held on for the DUBYA!

Lowered Expectations 4 vs. Chiefs 2

Well folks, It’s been a while since the fans have seen black and blue go toe-to-toe on the ice. The reasons for this aren’t exactly clear; all we do know is that the highly paid Execs make the schedule and we just follow it. So why don’t we just focus on the action and let the office workers do what they do best: mangle everything beyond recognition (Editors Note: F@&k youuuuu, Heleniouuuuuuuus).

(Editor’s Note: Helenius usually sends us dick pics instead of game photos, so even if it’s from the wrong game, this is better than normal)

Le Chiefs sans Fitz almost had a full roster while the ebony-black bastard squad skated without a couple of core beauties. ‘You sure bro?’ Yuzo and ‘The Master of Dark Sin’ Mark Qin were busy finding a goat to sacrifice before playoffs while Chris ‘Ow Ow, My Back!’ Rekrutiak was seen smiling away in his office while obligations at work screwed him over in ways a real man never could.

“Eh, what gives? Buddy isn’t even wearin’ a league jersey!!! Where’d you fellas pick up this friggen’ ringer??!!”

Not long into the game, fans quickly realized this would be yet another slugfest where LowEx maintain puck possession and the Chiefs try their damnedest to connect with a cherry-picking Shama and an ever-so-clever Huggy Wuggy Bear. Even with these disreputable gentlemen on the ice, it wasn’t an issue for the LowExers, who continued to play solid defense and stymy the Chiefs’ heavy guns.

The first goal was a true beauty. Steve ‘Kickstart My Heart’ Lockhart stole a puck from a Chiefs’ defender and made an amazing pass to ‘Red, White and Crue’ Pinard for a wide-open net tally. Before long, ‘I’m a dreamer’ Peter Helenius played a long, soulful guitar solo while skating up the ice and finished a hard wrister 5-hole, making it 2-zip.

(Editor’s Note: Don’t even pretend for a goddam second that you gnarly old bastards didn’t get every single one of those references)

With a couple more goals from Billy ‘The Longest Yard’ Shortbus and Spahrkplug, the game was 4-2 at the end of 50 mins.

At the press conference, we caught up with Dewey ‘Walk Hard’ Lockhart to get his thoughts:

“Yeah,  damn, I drove deep into the zone and saw the defense struggling with the puck and Yeah! I just took it from him. Then I saw Simon all open and I was like, boom! hard pass and a hard apple! Sometimes you gotta walk hard in off the point… you gotta… wait…”

Pictured Above: Steve Lockhart

We also caught up with Chiefs core player, EC:

“Oh yeah! I scored! Did anyone see it? Did my wife record it? She usually records everything, haha. Even my failures, you know? Hahaha, It’d be great if just once – JUST FOR GODDAM ONCE she’d film something positive to show her parents!”

With no further questions from the press, players re-joined their teams for little after-game cool down. However, rumours from deep in the hallways of Feiyang say EC was seen still at 4am dancing half naked in the locker room with rink Janitor, Mr. Chen.

Saturday Night

Night Splash 3 vs. Lowered Expectations 2

Wouldn’t you know it, folks? Keeping with the theme of “sweet 16″, it’s only fitting that a 16-year-old high school girl had a major impact in this battle of inappropriately titled franchises (all things considered). The Splashers managed to climb out of an early deficit with two goals from Shoezuki and Jay-League McKelvey, sending the game to OT. Then, just one minute after the face-off, the ‘Arch Angel’ ripped one home on a sweet pass from Mike ‘I better get credit for this’ Dorris.

After the game we caught up with Angel to get her reaction the game:

“I was so f@#$ing frustrated out there, bud. I swear to me mum, if that little Shoezuki $h%thead goes off-side one more goddam time I’m gonna slit his throat!”

In other, more lighthearted news, on Sunday night the Night Splash players and some Waitan alumni held a goodbye game for all round good guy, Usami. The game ended in a draw at 2-a-side, so the game proceeded to a shootout.

No bucket = old toime hockey, bud! Look at ’em! Friggen’ Eddie Shore out there!

After Karl the Kraut stoned the first two attempts, it was down to Usami, who by this point wanted nothing more than to be done with the game and be sitting in the lap of some overpriced KTV companion of the evening. While the other players looked on with breathless interest, Karlsberg showed a surprisingly humane play: the German with an unshakeable Coke addiction was kind enough to open his five-hole just enough to let Usami’s weak shot through and allow him to score. Usami was so happy that he started drinking sake like it was water. What happened next can only be described as bromance to the fullest degree of the world. However, considering this is our sweet 16 edition, we’ve followed our Japanese counterparts and have edited out the ‘parts‘ that might seem offensive.

Night Splash captain Suzuki had this to say regarding the incident:

“Some may say it’s insane for two dudes to kiss, but it’s usual in Japan. To show deep friendship we often kiss while drinking sake. If you change a sake glass to a shoe, it’s even more meaningful. In our country, in order to show respect to others we sometimes drink sake out of our friends’ shoes. I’m proud of this tradition.’

“Hey Suzuki, it’s not respectable to spit out the shoe fluid of your best buddy!”

“OH so Sorry! It’s just that I realized that the dude from Breaking Bad is standing right behind me!”

Holy Schmokes, Folks!

It goes without saying that we’re a bit late this week down here at the offices of the SHC. However, it should be noted that March is one HELL of a month to be a teacher in China…

“It’s times like these you either laugh… or wrap your lips around the business end of a shotgun”

But enough about that – here’s your friggen’ last-minute, off-the-cuff roundup:

Friday Night

Fog Devils 6 vs. Fever 2

In this weekend’s game, the lovable underdogs faced off against league menace Fever. Missing the bottom few players of their depth chart, the Fever had their work cut out for them. Despite their best efforts, and Heinz “The Hammer” Peter-Grüber’s body checks, their skeleton crew was no match for the high-powered offense the Fog Devils dressed. Danny “Mr. One-time” Guo said, “咱们今晚打得牛逼，特别是我。挺帅。” Jay “Paunch” Fit had an assortment of Turkish appetizers on the bench, ranging from dates to baklava. In between post-game push-ups, he invited reporters out to Pure & Whole for a root beer party.

“C’mon you guys, hahaha, it’s super good for you, hahahaha. Stop dumping it in the toilet, hahaha. That stuff costs me way more money than I care to admit.”

Despite a tumultuous start to the season, the Fog Devil’s high-powered offense carried them through to a strong .500 finish in the second half. Pulling up into the 5th seed and just barely sliding into a playoff position, they continue into a 4 week bye-month to recuperate, and hit the weight room for some strength conditioning. Stout RW and former World’s Strongest Man contestant, Frank ‘Atlas’ Schmidt said,

“we are excited to rest up before heading into the playoffs. Now I have time for Spring training – my collection of progressively larger boulders was collecting dust in my living room.”

Depending on results of the next few weeks, the fog Devils will match up against the fever or the surging bear dogs. Evan “The Haircut” Shen said,

“it’s been a heck of season and I’m looking forward to some apple juice.”

Hamburglars 2 vs. Beardogs 3

Deja Vu! Last weekend when these two teams met it was a one-goal game. It seems history repeats itself. Might make for an interesting playoff matchup, folks!

Saturday Night

Dirty Blues 6 vs. Hamburglars 5

Nobody really knows why it happened, it just did.

“I dunno, ya know – it always seems like every time we play against you some weird apparition is on the bench helping us out big toime.”

“yeah but it’s like, nobody really knows how long it’ll be there for.”

“Dude, Yeah. That is weird….”

“Been fun, but I gotta jet boys! I’ve got three friggen’ burgers gettin’ cold out in the car!”

Night Splash 6 vs. Gingerbeards 0

Tim ‘The Toolman’ Cocchi, who joined to NS recently went wild on the ice last night. Originally he was assigned as a defenceman, but converted to center last night. He fit in perfectly on a line with Angel and Yoda ‘If you Tanabe my Lover, you gotta get with my friends’.

He scored 4 goals in the first 20 min. Surprisingly, this 55 year-old beauty must’ve picked up a few things while living in Japan – because he’s polite as f@#k! He never showboats after scoring, opting instead to bow to his line mates and say, ‘tondemo naissu’, which means ‘not at all’.

Rumor has it that he is looking forward to going to a KTV night tour that Suzuki is planning next week, but humble Tim never put it into words.

One more thing – Satoshi Ota, a Mitsubishi banker, is a solid performer on the ice – it is known. However, when his wife saw him wearing his sexy overweight mermaid hoodie at his son’s school soccer game, she was furious. Spectators at the event overheard a snippet of her fury:

“What does ‘Night Splash’ even mean!! Don’t wear it on outside the house! Have you no shame!”

His solution to this problem was apparently simple – he smuggles it to the rink and dons it behind closed doors, where hopefully his wife won’t beat him down in public… again…

But Night Splash? Really? Dang! Yellow’s heatin’ the B league!

Beardogs 8 vs. Fever 3

Unfortunately the same can’t be said for the yellow squad in the A league. But eh —  Heavy Metal Meningitis Mike Schell was literally and figuratively sick out there – a 5-goal game can’t be denied. Must be that new ROCK ‘N ROLL LIFESTYLE he’s been livin’! The biggest man on the scoresheet yet smallest man on this ice – weighing in at a measly 50 kilos – was by far the shiftiest featherweight over the weekend.

Look out, Hugo, we got a contender over here. Come cheer on this stud next weekend at the battle of the bands at the Pearl for some absolute beauty jams.

Pictured Above: Good toimes

Lowered Expectations 2 vs. Ice Cocks 0

Saturday night at Feiyang, the Black versus the Red. Two top teams in the B division head to head. What else a true hockey fan could ask for? Of course a good quality game, which they surely didn’t see this time around: both teams were lacking several key players.

It was 7 vs. 9 players and the game itself was best described by ref, Matt Whately,

“This boring, clean, slow game was torture. There’s nothing else to say. If I didn’t have skates on, I’d have fallen asleep after 2 minutes into it. Thanks for making this one to forget, boys.”

LE was able to shut down renowned Cocks, Barry ‘out of juice’ Duke and Mark ‘second game without a goal’ Cobbett. Mark Qin starting the scoring after a scramble in front of the net, and Yuzo’s amazing wrister from downtown made the game 2-0 halfway through the first. Continuously tight defensive play kept the rest of Cocks at bay.

The second half brought nothing new to the game, and the only fun on the ice was waiting to see whether Whately would fall over trying to skate backwards.

During the post-game press conference: LowEx representative, Mr. ‘Glee’ Gary Li – who arguably played the game of his life – had this to say,

“Ice was cold and puck was black. I gotta good start to the game, and got on it very easily. Today felt good, like changing a newborn’s diaper. Yeah, we played well as a team, followed the plan and took 2 points.”

The Cocks representative was nowhere to be found, so they sent their Japanese grinder, Midori, into the mix:

“Well, I gotta say that the team wasn’t there today, I think Barry and Mark weren’t really pulling their weight. Can you believe they never passed the puck to me? I was ready to carry this team on my shoulders, but whatever. It’s sad, but I’ll get over it.”

Well Folks,

I know it’s gonna sound a bit hard to believe, but the amount of ill-fated omens that transpired down at Ol’ Unfortunate Feiyang during week 13 action was just uncanny. We had roaming packs of black alley cats in the visitor’s locker room; a mysterious case of incurable super-athlete’s foot that somehow spread to ALL the equipment racks; and to cap it all off, Barry Roe’s lucky horseshoe somehow got lodged halfway up *anonymous member’s* rectum during a whiskey-fueled mishap. But eh, maybe we can chalk it all up to BOTTLE Niiiiiiiiiiiightht, Amiriiiiiite? And even though free liquor and inauspicious happenstance do seem mutually exclusive, we’re just gonna chalk that one up to unlucky portents…

Also, just to set things straight for all you anonymous callers: no, we will not be holding a fundraiser at Cages to raise money to pay the hospital bills for all the poor souls affected by hand-foot-and-mouth fungusopalypse 2017.

We’ll get to the skinny and then some, ya gnarly bastards – just listen to this transcript that Julian, the zamboni driver, recorded when the CSI hazmat containment unit showed up to the rink on Sunday.

Sexy Blonde CSI: “Hey Stanowichz, I think I found the source of the contagion.” *purses lips sexily*

Stanowichz: “Jesus… how old is that thing? Did it test positive for all the residues?”
SBCSI: “*touches finger to mouth suggestively, face flushes* …The tests are off the charts.”

S: “Well… that’s good… Guess I’ll call in the Biohazard containment team. But uhhh, you really shouldn’t hold that thing so close to your face – we’ve got like 28 cases of the most aggressive whole-body fungus we’ve ever seen, and they were all caused by that helmet.”

SBCSI: “I know… I just… can’t help it. There’s something about the perfectly spherical shape… the rough-and-ready visor… the ultra masculine colour… *breathing heavily* who ever donned this must’ve been a total badass.”

S: You’re uh… you’re pretty high up there on the hot-crazy matrix, aren’t you?

Pictured above: The undeniable magnetism of the yellow ‘lollipop top’ seduces another unwitting victim.

But enough about that, here’s yer friggen’ roundup:

Friday Night 

Ice Cocks 3 vs. Gingerbeards 0

Well, folks – looks like Friday night was Christmas morning all over again for Brian Ohlrich’s unwanted collection of red-headed stepchildren, as they were gifted with yet another merciless beating at the hands of their close friend and relative, Ol’ Uncle Ice Cock. Most spectators were bewildered by the bastard-child spankfest, especially considering the pre-game conference where the Gingerbeards’ healthy scratch, James T. Scotti, confidently claimed that the Gingersquad “knew how to shut Cobbett down.” And if that wasn’t enough to get the Gingerminge* going, during the mid-season draft they used their executive guanxi to slide the slick-skating (and gentle by nature) Minnesotan, ‘I only wear crop-tops’ Goffman, onto their team as insurance. How could they lose, you ask? We don’t have the answers, folks. They just did. It should be noted that ‘Robo Cop-bett’ had 2 goals and an assist on ‘Bam Bam’ Cam Bonspiel’s highlight-reel goal as their line dominated the ice in the 3-0 ginger purge.

Pictured Above: The Gingerbeard fan club, a.k.a. The Gingerminge

*(Editor’s note: Never image search ‘gingerminge‘ on your computer for any reason. Especially if you’re a lazy-ass teacher searching for write-up photos at the back of a classroom full of children you’re supposed to be paying attention to)

Начальники 72 vs. Night Всплеск BYLAD! (Chiefs 4 vs. Night Splash 2)

(Submitted with approval from our friends at the Kremlin)

После жестокой строки потерь, понесенных в руках некоторых неверных западных стран, Начальники подъехала свои носки и вытирать пол с ночным всплеском в пятницу вечером акции SHC. Шама был славный. Он забил много голов звериные, которые сделали несколько друзей леди в толпе теряют разум с упоением. Клоуны, которые думали, что они выиграют в конечном итоге были сорваны товарищем Шама.

(translation:) After a brutal string of losses incurred in the hands of some infidel Western countries, Chiefs drove his socks up and wipe floor with a splash of night on Friday evening action SHC. Shama was nice. He scored a lot of goals animal that made lady a few friends in the crowd lose their minds with delight. Clouns, who thought that they would win, in the end were thwarted by friend Shama.

Pictured Above: Shama throwing some post-game shade at the Chiefs on WeChat.

Saturday Night

Gingerbeards 3 vs. Chiefs 2

So after two Doughnuts in a row, The G-beards captain spent Saturday afternoon looking for some inspiration for his ‘B-leaguered’ team. He knew there was only one way to snap them out of the mid-season doldrums that seemed to plague their every shift and shot in their last two outings.

What he found was the old stand-by so often implemented in the SHC to inspire and infuse lackluster players and cause even the meekest of players to quiver in excitement – Bottle Night!

Yes, promises of Copious amounts of alcohol – good “Ol’ Uncle Jiu.” All it takes is the sight of that trusty SHC wheeled satisfaction Station parked on the side of the rink to inspire mild-mannered Linemates to dish the sauce, and put away the biscuits in an effort to get their Drink on.

The first Ginger Gino came from none other than ‘the boom box’ Boomi Lai early in the first. A short while later Jeff ‘Hot Pot’ Lubach strolled into the crease for a showdown and sniped another pot shot through the pipes. In the post game interview he had this to say:

“Just wanna say thanks to Waylon and Willie and the boys. If it weren’t for their guidance I ain’t quite sure I’d know just how to get along.”

(Editor’s Note: Look’em up, ya beaut!)

After a brief run at the net by the Chiefs, which put one scratch on the board for the “First Nations’ boys” it looked as if they were going on the warpath. Little did they know, G-beard himself had a secret weapon he was keeping up his smallpox-riddled sleeve. It seems that sometime that afternoon while searching the house for inspiration he looked under the couch and found his shot. Yes! The ginger chin himself threw it down at the blue line and let one rip right through the crowd and into the back of the net!

Despite a late arrow to the back of the wagon by the Chiefs, the Beards held on for the 3-2 win. Things got a little temperamental during the remaining play when ‘Vape Train’ Ben Briandet decided to take run up the boards at Barbarossa himself! But despite the comical smokescreen laid down by the Vape Man, the train derailed and crashed to the caverns below.

The verdict from Judge Kitamura sent the ginger to the box, sayin’, “Train robbin’s a hangin’ offense in these Parts.”

“Make-ah NO mistak-ah. Do like this again – I will KILL yewww – hahahahaaaaa-ah”

Beardogs 3 vs. Fog Devils 2 (OT)

SHC Bottle Night was Saturday, but why wait? The Beardicks were reportedly seen making Friday night count at nearly every dive bar in Shanghai. Then Saturday rolled around and most of the cub-pups barely crawled out of bed to make the game. Add to that the last-minute healthy scratch of Polish Phenom, Kirpatrik Ruizowicz after the FD’s called in a bomb threat against his flight, and this was a recipe for disaster for the hungover ‘dog’s breakfast’ crew.

The game started like a hangover and stayed that way through the first, with no real meaningful chances at either end of the ice, though the FD’s had a few power play chances. The uneventful 1st gave way to an action packed 2nd, with the fireworks starting when the goalie of steel, ‘Clark Syerkent’, believing himself to be faster than a speeding bullet, made a dash for a long breakout pass, diving at the blue line in an effort to knock the puck off the onrushing forward’s stick. Fortunately, Ryan ‘Harri’ Houdini-son won the foot race to the open net and did his best Tukka Rask impersonation, making a magical save… only to realize that Brett ‘the Hitman’ Shart was still way out of position near the blue line (probably wondering whether it was ‘just a fart‘). Ryan then spun around like a goddam hero to deny a second attempt from his Fog Devil’s brother-in-name, Ryan ‘Hodor’ Baerg, who rang one off the post.

And wouldn’t you know it, folks, a big defensive play at one end leads to an instant dagger at the other. Newcomer, JS ‘Parky park and the funky bunch’, threw a puck at the net from a tough angle, where Mike ‘I’m coming out! …of my Schell… but only for playoffs…’ was there to bang in the greasy rebound to give the Beardogs a 1-0 lead.

Whatta friggen’ beaut

The minutes ticked away, and it looked like this one would go into the books as a low-scoring affair. Then the balance tilted. Heavy FD stick work led to a “turnover” that some crafty bastard (Hans Von hard pass maestro) used to spring Danny G-note on a breakaway, where D-Guo pocketed one in the 5-hole to make it 1-1. A few short minutes later Kita decided the “2” in his 2-on-1 wasn’t necessary, so he rifled a cannon from the high slot to make it 2-1 for the Foggy D’s with only 2 minutes to guo.

However, the Beardicks, who’ve made a habit of coming back late this year, came to form again as the ensuing draw led to a rush into the Foggy D’s end, with a flurry of activity in front of ‘I only fly Coach’ Roe. Somewhere amidst the 8-man scramble, the puck squirted loose and Warlockah-boomshakalakah-shieck tied the game at 2.

(Editor’s Note: If I hadn’t been banned from Urban Dictionary when I was in college we could’ve made this a lot funnier)

Message received: On to overtime, no need to say any more. OT + Beardogs win = Ryan Harrison, in another all out scramble in front of the net.

“Holy sweet Jesus, is that late 90’s “New Radicals” frontman Gregg Alexander?”

“nah man, that’s OT hero Ryan friggen’ Harrison”

(singing)

“…You’ve got the music in you, don’t. let. go. you’ve got the music in you, one dance left..“

Ice Cocks 4 vs. Night Sploosh 2

Ice Cocks held on to beat the yellow team in yet another close Bottle Night battle. Newcomer, Tim ‘Coch and Roll’ Hoochie Koo, moved to center and caused all kinds of trouble on a line with Jay-league McKelvie and ‘The Angel of Death’ Wang. (See below:)

(Editor’s Note: This looks like one of the best lines in the B league right now so watch out for Suzuki’s band of premature discharges come playoff time).

Luckily the Ice Cocks got great defense from Tommy Bahama Nakayama, Robert Aspell and Steve ‘Schiesser’ Dyer (who scored another goal). Not to mention the solid goaltending from ‘King Kong’ Karl in the shutdown second half to hold on for the win.

A subsidiary of Teeny Weeny Inc.

A Special mention to the 2 LTP/Shinny die hards: Mighty Midori played a strong positional game and had 2 well-played breakaways as a result (though she clearly failed to score, otherwise we’d have written about it by now, ya friggen’ beaut). Usami, on the other hand, splashed in a rebound to keep his team aroused late in the game. Good job, ya dusters!

Hamburglars 4 vs. Fever 3

Well, it goes without saying that this one was a nail-biter, folks. How else would the SHC finish off its Bottle Night festivities, with a blow-out? Nahhhhhh. After some of the tightest action we’ve seen all year (huh huh) the ‘burglin’ bunch and the ever-yellow Fever squad hit the ice with some old scores to settle. And by old scores, we actually mean the Fever trying to get a win against the Hambies for the first time this season.

Unfortunately for the ill-fated Fever, the full-body contact strategy just wasn’t enough to put the Hambies into the dirt, as the scoreboard still had the Burglars up at the buzzer.

A huge shout-out to game 17-year-old game MVP, Joey Gu, who tallied a sick game-winning snipe, yet suffered another questionable open-ice hit for his efforts.

We tried to get a comment from him after the game, but he was too busy trying to work out the meaning of ‘non-contact’ in his Casio Chinese-English translation device the other Hambies’ members bought him for his 17th birthday.

“Wo bu zhi dao… *sighs* Ta men gan me? *rubbing bridge of nose* Wo bu dong…” 

Editor’s Corner

Well folks, it’s high time I made an apology,

Most times before sending an article to the press, we here at the SHC consider all the unintended consequences our reporting might have on our beloved SHC community. Unfortunately for us, we didn’t really think ‘week 11′ through. You see, after last week’s roundup it didn’t take long for our fans to take to the phone lines en masse. It appears that many of our beloved puckheads were discontent with what they believed to be a glaring oversight on our part.

The problem lies in the fact that we gave props to the 15 new members coming into the league for ‘…making the SHC beautiful again‘. However, as a few hundred fans pointed out, the reason our loyal fanbase keeps coming to the rink can be summed up in one glorious poster:

The broad-shouldered, confident power-fold; the fully-fastened zipper emanating an essence of security and responsibility; the caesarean haircut symbolizing the strength and invincibility of an unshakable Roman empire; even the Xiaomi fitband – a bold choice that would be seen as pandering if worn by other Western celebs – all of it contributes to the universal allure and unquestionable value of our very own, Barry Roe.

Callers also brought attention to the fact that B-Roe’s acting chops oftentimes go unnoticed (largely because he only stars in movies produced in China). Below, we can see him in a promotional shot for the upcoming gritty remake of ‘BRoekback Mountain’, where he stars along side Will Smith. The film apparently follows the budding relationship between two ‘bad boy’ cops and aims to bring the masses together by ‘easing‘ the ‘swelling‘ racial tensions in the US.

“Easing swelling racial tensions in a dimly lit theatre near you”

But okay, I admit it, we were wrong, folks. The SHC was already beautiful. The last thing we want is to be confused with one of those fake news outlets. So now that that’s out of the way, here’s your friggen’ roundup:

Friday Night

Fever 4 vs. Fog Devils 3

The ever yellow Fever boys edged out the Foggy D squad 4-3 in the opening game on Friday night. Highlights of the game included Jared ‘Single Malt’ Scotchmer making it a double, racking up his first two SHC goals!! both snipes were served up by all round good guy, Mike ‘Attracted to his’ Cousineau. We reached out to him for a comment on his rookie teammate’s milestone, but he was too busy figuring out the perfect wording for his response to this summer’s upcoming ‘Cousineau Family Reunion’ invitation to give us a word. ‘MchustleNuts’ Mike McKevitt and ‘Big Macs’ Wendellin added the other tallies for the Fever.

Hamburglars 3 vs. Dirty Blues 1

Ho sweet Jesus! This was less of a game played by the Hamburglars, and more of a goaltending clinic put on by the terrifying tandem of Barry ‘Death Roe’ and Brett ‘The Hitman’ Syer. Word on the street is that movie execs in the booming Chinese movie industry are already adapting the real-life story to the big screen (clearly banking on Roe’s effective branding in the Chinese market), having Roe and Syer play themselves in the lead roles:

“Dirty Blues Down” From the same studio that brought you “Beijing Bikini Bonanza 3: A Mark Simon Joint”

In a game that saw the ‘burglin’ bunch beat the DB’s for the first time this season, the real story was how a decimated Dirty Blues squad of 8 skaters controlled the game but couldn’t manage to put the puck in the net. Paris Baguette aficionado, Franck Saulnier, scored two (including an empty netter), while league points leader, Aaron ‘my hair’s never askew’ Liu, potted the other. We caught up with a disgruntled ‘Dimebag’ Darryl Slaney after the game to get his thoughts on his highway robbery he suffered at the hands, or should we say ‘glove hand‘, of Syer:

“Oh yah, Bawd! I was right thar in the slot, ya know, just waitin’ to snipe that greasy rebound  toooop cheeeedar, when outta nowhere this guy just windmills the ol’ leather straight up n’ over, ya know? I haven’t been that let down since they cut me off at wing night at the Shed a few weeks back. It was Baaaruuuutal Bawd!”

Actual game still of Slaney’s disbelief after Syer’s unreal save 

To be fair, ‘In-Slane in the Membrane’ added to his career stats against the Hambies with a sweet blast from the point in the first half, so there’s that. Other Dirty Blues players, Jan, Freddie, and Jofa couldn’t be reached for comment as they were apparently on the phones with their lawyers. It appears that being depicted as “stereotypical, well-dressed European villains” in the upcoming big-screen adaptation doesn’t sit quite well with them.

Saturday Night 

Hamburglars 8 vs. Fog Devils 6

With both Brett ‘the Threat’ Simonini out for the Hamburglars due to his son’s traditional bris or something (look it up, ya beaut), and Foggy D’s el Capitan Hans ‘You Can Take my Jock Off When I’m Dead’ von Meister sitting out so that he could judge the debate between a bunch of overachieving Chinese preteens, both sides sported 9 a side.

Pictured above: Hans, probably

The game was off to a fast start when just a few minutes into the first period Geoff “Better Late Than Never” Ng no-looked his way onto the scoresheet with a pass in front of the net from Franck “HOW DID YOU GET FREE BEER?” Sauliner. When asked after the game how he scored the goal, his first of the season, Ng recounted,

“I kinda just closed my eyes and thought about all those embarrassing times in high school that still keep me up at night. That kinda gave me the rejection rage I needed to thrash about wildly until I connected with the puck. Sort of like when I strike my pillow in the middle of another midnight flashback.”

“…fuggin’…stupid… piece of shit…. stupid…. NGGGGGG!” *pillow strike*

The first period was lookin’ like everything was comin’ up Hambies as Aaron ‘If you grow a better mustache than me I’ll fight you’ Liu, Adam ‘I’m older, goddamnit’ Liu and Franck ‘everything but the kitchen sink’ Sauliner put the Burgle-boys up 4-1, with the lone Foggy D’s goal coming from Tyler “Mid-season Maestro” Perro. But in the last few minutes of the first, the D’s turned on the juice, pocketing 2 more g-notes thanks to Jarred “Fogle” Kubas and ‘Parrot Bar’ Perro, making the game 4-3.

The rest of the game ping-ponged back and forth with the Burglars adding a goal to stretch the lead to 2, then the Foggy D’s responding by taking a penalty and scoring on the kill. On one particular PP, Franck “Foie Gras” Sauliner was McRobbed by Karl the Kraut on what should’ve been a wide open net. The puck came down the other way, where Kita “he who shall not be nicknamed” Kitamura blasted home a slapper from the Ovi Zone, as if to challenge Thorsten to a “Shea Weber Contest” of hardest shot in the SHC…and by ‘Ovi Zone’, we mean the goddam hashmarks…

“Hope you had a good week at work, beer league goalie, I sure as f@$k didn’t.”

Eventually, thanks to the offensive efforts of Macs ‘Relaxed’ Lee and Danny “Danny” Guo, the Foggy D’s tied the game with about 5 to go. The deadlock was broken by Kevin ‘BRoeckback” Jackson with his classic “bar-down through traffic with no regard for human life or half-shields from the blue line” wrister. (Editor’s note: for real doe – dude does not GAF about yo face)

With less than two minutes to go, the D’s pulled their tender for the man advantage, but were ultimately thwarted by an errant backhand from Isaac ‘Netflix and McChill-trick’ that went wide and found its way to the stick of one of the Liu bros (who cares which one, amirite?) for the lucky number 8 goal – just to satisfy the Chinese gods of luck and totally reasonable superstitions.

Pictured above: Isaac’s GF/Mom, probably

Ice Cocks 4 vs. Night Splash 3

Saturday’s matchup between the Ice Cocks and Suzuki’s Nocturnal Emission squad was deja vu all over again. As usual, Suzuki’s band of sexual deviants built up a commanding first period lead before folding like a cheap origami swan in the 2nd.  IC’s had big goals by ‘Haiku-Wu’ to start the comeback and Matt ‘Bintang’ Zhang with the game winner. ‘Taladaggart nights’ Thomson and Tommy ‘Bahama’ Nakayama also scored for the winning team. The losers’ goals needn’t be recorded in the annals of SHC history, and therefore aren’t noteworthy.

Dirty Blues vs. Fever

Well shit, boys. Somebody won. I mean – they must’ve, Right?! I mean, if the Dirty Blues wasn’t loaded with a bunch of Eurotrash fun-boys, maybe…juuuuust maybe we’d get some quality game reports. I bet they speak 17 languages on that team. Not a goddam one of them is English doe. Seriously, all these calls about Roe, and not a single friggen’ update from the Fever/DB’s game? Jesus. Browner, Coley – you speak English, you lazy bastards – get on it!

Lowered Expectations 3 vs. Gingerbeards 0

Bonne nuit, mes amis,

When the Shanghai tower and bottle opener turn their brilliant lights off, you know it’s the magical hour LE lace’em up and paint their ritualistic murals on the ice at Feiyang hockey Mecca – such is the je ne sais quoi of liiiife. hon hon hoooooon!

This week featured the crème de la crème of the Shanghai Hockey League, LE en noir vs. Gingerbeards en blanc. C’Est Ouf! LE showed up with 8 players, but GB had a full roster. Even Trevor ‘Boomi’ Lai was back on the roster despite the year-ending injury he suffered only a few weeks ago. We’re not sure what miracles traditional Chinese medicine pulled out of their ass this time, but the boy was like a young, veiny Cock out there (rooster, ya beaut!). In the significant Mid-Season draft, GB boosted their team with another top player, ‘Over the Top’ Goffman, who, along with Martin ’18-wheeler’ Magnon, obviously formed the most dangerous pair on the GB side.

Pictured above: Magnon and Goffman just havin’ a wrestle to see who’ll take the face-off

Due to the line up difference, LE was forced to change their game plan. The first period went back and forth, both sides getting a shot or two here and there. LE kept line changes short, whereas the little white sisters kept their lines out for longer than necessary, causing players to lose their rhythm. Taking advantage of the lull in the battle, ‘Peg Leg Petey’ Helenius made a beautiful coast-to-coast skate, potting the opener and game-winning top-shelf goal. Energy from the goal gave LE a huge boost, and only a few minutes later it was Harvey ‘Farva’ He’s turn to tap one in, giving the good guys a 2-zip lead.

Pictured above: Harvey ‘Farva’ He (watch Super Troopers, ya beaut!)

But LE wasn’t done just yet. Only a few minutes later Markus ‘Spahrkus Plug’ Spahr put a questionable goal in, making it 3-0. SHC tender, Jason DeVorhees protested heavily about the call, but vet ref, Shapely Matt Whately was deemed to be in a prime location to drop the full-armed chop, sanctifying the legitimate goodness of the goal.

GB’s rallied in the second half with their full 8 lines, so obviously LE had some issues. But official (and extremely accurate) records show that only 4 shots were delivered during the second half.

During the post game press conference, several CCTV and TSN reporters wanted to know why the GB squad felt they weren’t able to score. Captain BO replied,

“We are an old team. Regardless of how juicy and tight the opportunity, we always have difficulties getting it up and putting it in.”

Assistant Captain Magnon commented that,

“it’s hard to find the hole without any hair around it. I’ve grown used to a certain way of closing the deal.”

Luckily these comments were ignored by the press.

Le player, Johnny ‘Yo Ma’ Ma commented on the game,

“Yeah, you know. Once you put this black jersey on, it’s all about the team, we stuck to the plan and executed it well. We don’t seem to have any scoring problems.”

Maybe he was referring to a couple of LE members missing from the game due to the newborns in their families?

The SHC would formally like to congratulate both Gary Li and Yuzo Yamada on their new babies at home. You beauties. Good job, boys!

Welcome back, Folks! (about time, amirite!?)

We’ve been out of action for what seems like an eternity, but our legions of lovelorn fans came out in droves to watch the SHC resume play this past weekend down at feisty Ol’ Feiyang. Reports from around the community suggest that the revamped surge in game attendance stems from the addition of 15 new players, most of whom are rumoured to be impossibly gorgeous man models from all corners of the globe. Now, far be it from me to give credit where it’s due, in this case it would be just plain ignorant not to congratulate a few of these guys on making the SHC beautiful again:

Hailing from Denmark, Sigve ‘The Clap’ Klepsvik started out modelling on the mean streets of Copenhagen with nothing but his golden mane of hair and giant hands to protect him. Surviving on a diet mainly consisting of half-eaten blueberry turnovers recovered from dumpsters, a young, sickly Siggy got involved in hockey when a local coach drove by one day and noticed him in an alleyway beating the other street children senseless with a rotten salmon for alley scraps. The coach realized right then that despite the rough edge, this street urchin’s unnaturally large lobster-claw hands would be great for modelling hockey gloves. And thus the on-ice photoshoots followed, and before long, some actual talent. It naturally follows that his nickname ‘The Clap’ is a clever homage, not only to his beefy mitts, but also to the thunderous applause his Danish countrymen give him anytime he scores a goal. Thinking his nickname has any other connotation is a common mistake.  

Coming to us all the way from the sunny country of Africa, J-Fit, as he is known in most vegan-only cultish circles, made a splash on the international modelling scene when he refused to do a bathing suit advert unless the water in the lake was gluten-free. After garnering much praise for the conscientious objection, and eventually getting promoted to Vegan Chancellor Supreme, J continued to make waves when he proclaimed that, “All non-vegan savages, including all ‘vegetarian pretender scum’, are not to be trusted. Let it henceforth be known that consuming the products of animals will result in my posting of your naked torso beside mine on all platforms of social media so that your self-confidence denigrates in my chiseled shadow.” The edict turned out to be his last as a clandestine conspiracy in the world of organic fitness models ultimately led to his ousting. Apparently, rumours surfaced that the ink in his tattoos was extracted from a rare, deep-sea Japanese octopus – thus ending his legitimacy to the chancellorship. His climb back to the top has begun with the spreading of his message here in China, where he’s found a ripe base of doughy beer-leaguers to convert to his vegan cult. Reports suggest that self-conscious SHC vet, Pepe LePipski, has already fallen prey, blindly purchasing the 6-month organo-cleanse ultra-lo body fat meal plan.    

After working as Daniel Radcliffe’s stunt double in the Harry Potter series (see above left), Davy Leblanc was forced to take a break from the rough-and-tumble Hollywood stunt double lifestyle. Apparently, as Harry Potter grew older and taller, poor Davy did not (see above right), thus landing him in a market where his quidditch skills were in short demand. Not one to be dissuaded from making something of himself, Davy enrolled in minor hockey at the age of 21 and none were the wiser. To this day, nobody’s really sure how old he is. All we’re certain of is that a healthy contingent of hardcore Leblanc fans show up to every game, just waiting for ‘their chosen one’ to score a goal.    

Coming to us all the way from the comfortable confines of North Korea, Jun Sung Park garnered international attention in the modelling world when his gorgeous face graced the cover of “Bashful Ball Hockey Beauties 2002-2003” (see above). Widely believed by his countrymen to be the reincarnation of Pulgasari (look it up, ya beaut!) for his ferociousness on roller skates, Park’s ball hockey career was cut short when it was discovered he had accepted a Western sponsorship deal before clearing it with the Supreme Leader. The controversy was believed to have crushed the spirit of the notoriously secretive country, who looked to the nubile, supple youth for inspiration.  However, believing him to be too beautiful for death, Kim Jong-Il decided to exile him instead. Park eventually landed on the shores of Canada, where he spent the rest of his formative years blending in, learning how to make poutine and converting his skills to the ice. Dominating the SHC is just the next step in regaining his former glory.      

Welcome aboard, gents (All of 15 you, ya beauts!) And by the way, Happy New Year!

Apparently it’s the year of the Cock. And though I haven’t the slightest idea why that’s significant in the traditional sense, I’m fairly certain we already wasted our A-material innuendo doing write-ups for a filthy-minded franchise that’s had the dirty-word bird emblazoned on their jerseys for the past two years.

BuKAWWWWWWWk! It’s why the Ice Cocks are killin’ it, BuKAWWWWWWWWWwk!

But enough about all that. Here’s your friggen’ roundup:

Friday Night

Beardogs 6 vs. Dirty Blues 4

Well folks, it’s been a while since we’ve seen a game quite like this one. Both sides came out flying, and it was obvious from the get-go that the max capacity crowd was in for a treat. That is until Beardogs forward, Mike ‘Michelin Man Cock’ McClocklin, decided to ask the SHC’s lone skater from the Czech Republic, Janzy ‘Delicio’ Velicio, what it was like playing for “Czechoslovakia” when he was younger. The insensitive question sparked a fire in the 7’10” forward that resulted in a derailment of the McClocklin Express the likes of which we haven’t seen since the last time McClocklin hit on somebody else’s girlfriend at a pond hockey tournament. After the game, however, the towering forward expressed his remorse for having levelled such a beauty.

(Above left: Jan during game)

(Above right: Jan post game)

After going up 3-1 at one point, the game seemed to be leaning in the Dirty Blues’ favour. Little did they know that in-again, out-again returning SHC vet, ‘Hammer n’ Sicklve’ Klepsvik had his own ideas how the game was going to play out. Siggy had a standout performance, scoring twice (including the tying 4-4 goal) and getting an assist to make this game a nail-biter. ‘Top Cheezy’ Ruizy, ‘Boston’ Dan Warlockishieck, Mi-Schell, and ‘Franklin the turtle-burger’ all chipped in a goal of their own in a full-team effort. On the receiving end of things, the Dirty Blues’ Jan Ferrell had a pair (of ginos and penalties!) while ‘Yo-fat Yogurt’ and Darien ‘I’m Flyin’ Bryant had great games, each scoring one and assisting on two.

Hamburglars 4 vs. Fever 2

In their first game back after the break it was obvious to everyone in the building that a fair number of players on both teams were stuck in ‘vacay mode’. And judging by the number of ‘Tiger’, ‘Leo’, and ‘Singha’ tank tops that were being worn around the locker rooms, it’s fair to say that the sloppy game that followed could’ve been predicted. Instead of the usual heated exchanges at the face-off dots and ruthless battles in the corners, fans played witness to an awkwardly courteous and overly gentile game that had more smiles and laughter than a team of 40-year-old Balinese masseuses trying to get your attention from the side of the road (even though you’re doing your best to hold your girlfriend’s hand and not make eye contact lest it result in yet another night of silent treatment at the sub-par airbnb you booked at the last minute because you’re too goddam lazy to properly plan anything.)

“You wan Mas-aaaaaaaaage?”

*Squeezes eyes shut* “NO – a thousand times – NO!”

Early game action was tilted in the Fever’s favour, with many scoring chances getting turned away by some stellar performances between the pipes by ‘Super Saiyan’ Brett Syer. New additions to the Hambies’ defensive core, Simon ‘Boob Skis’ Kubskis and ‘The gravy train’ David Leblanc also had standout performances, making some great plays in the clutch.

…And I’m an alcoholic 

The result was the Burglin’ bunch capitalizing on every odd-man rush that fell into their lap. Perpetual beauty, A-Aron ‘I’ll be good for a few’ Liu scored a hat-trick while the pride of France, ‘Badon-ka-tonk’ Franck Saulnier broke in for a beauty of his own and snagged a couple apples for 3 points on the night. Despite a respectable push toward the end of the game, the Fever got shut down by some acrobatic madness on behalf of ‘GlenBarry Glen Roess’. We caught up to Barry after the game to get his opinion on the match: “ABS, baby. Hey, you listening to me? A-B-S. Always, Be, Saving. HEY! Don’t you walk away from me!” After escaping the wild-eyed goalie, we also managed to get a few questions in with all-round choirboy, ‘The Reverend’ Kevin Jackson: “Look, all I’m saying is that it’s impossible – IMPOSSIBLE – to go on a trip to Phuket with a girl and have a good time! I mean, I’m a nice guy, but I smile when I hear a beautiful masseuse’s laughter from a dark alley – I smile when I’m nervous!!! It’s not flirting!!!” We were interrupted there as Shane ‘3rd round and down’ Anderson hijacked the conversation with his own lengthy stories about his “super sweet” Bali Hai v-neck and matching flip-flops.

Saturday Night              

Gingerbeards 5 vs. Chiefs 3

The Beards played a tilt with the Chiefs,

Goff played well to BO’s relief,

the bearded ones won,

the Chiefs had no fun,

then Fitz cried BO is a thief….

“Give it back, you ginger-cloaked bastard!” 

Lowered Expectations 4 vs. Chiefs 3 [S/O]

“I’m on the edge of glory,” Low-Ex captain Peter Helenius was heard saying as he returned to the SHC after his greasy, yet peaceful CNY. Both teams were beyond excited to suit up the unis and hit the pristine, mirror-like ice on Saturday evening. Low-Ex hit the ice with nearly a full bench, picking up Tony Azuma off the injured-reserve list after his recovery from a brutal assault by Lorena ‘Bobbitt’ Cobbett earlier in the season. “I’m okay now. The doctors reattached everything and it all seems to work fine,” a sheepish Azuma said during a pre-game interview.

(Pictured above: A remorseful pre-op ‘chop-chop’ Mark Cobbett)

The Chiefs, on the other hand, seemed to be missing a few key pieces. Rumours were flying around that there were some ‘internal issues’, and that some players chose to continue their vacations instead of helping their dedicated captain, Coke-Fizz Fitzy. With only ‘The Reincarnation of the Dali Lama’ Shama and ‘Wooooo U ugly!’ Leon Li, the Chiefs managed to survive until the shoot-out. 2 goals by Low-Ex’s Billy ‘Shortbus’ Longstreet were answered in turn by The Dali Shama. Marky Mark Qin and Sir Leon Wugglesworth had the lone tallies for either side to send the game to OT.

The 3-on-3 OT skate resolved nothing, so the shoot-out commenced. Shama started it off, missing the net, but ‘Lady Hands’ Helenius responded by delicately tapping in his team’s first attempt. The second shooters followed  the same pattern, Li from the Chiefs missing and Markus ‘The Sparkus Plug’ Spahr sinking his chance, ending the game for the Low-Ex Victors.

In the press conference after the game, Chiefs’ captain Fitz was complaining about the referees, saying, “These f@$#ing zebras were giving my sweethearts SEVERAL questionable penalties!” Yet, after he’d calmed down, Fitz admitted that he was only bitching because his vacation sucked balls. Apparently his wife caught him looking at a young group of tightly-clothed Filipino  masseuses in Boracay.

“Has anyone seen my jock? Shortbus deked mine right off, boys!”

Night Splash 6 vs. Gingerbeards 3

In an SHC rarity, the Night Splash took on the Gingerbeards and came out on top! Mid-season pick-up, Tim ‘The Softy’ Cocchi, sniped two goals in his debut. “He’s great,” captain Suzuki commented, “He lived in Japan for a long time so speaks fluent Japanese. He made friends with NS teammates very quickly because he understands KTV etiquette! He might save our team!!!” Also, ‘Leerin’ Leon Lee potted his first goal of the season on a highlight-reel pass from ‘No it wasn’t Fluky’ Suzuki.  ‘Shapley’ Matt Whately stepped up big toime, potting a pair for himself in the fray.

Lowered Expectations 5 vs. Night Splash 1

The second double header of the night showed no signs of the Low-Ex squad getting sick and tired of playing hockey on the graveyard shift. Whereas the Low-Exers had a break between games, the Night Splash crew played back-to-back games, which caught up to them in the second half. The Low-Ex boys took advantage and kept forechecking hard all game, forcing the Splishy Splashers to cough up the puck in their own zone. Markus ‘the Spahrkplug’ Spahr kept up his momentum from the first game, notching his first hat-trick in 50 years. Admittedly, he couldn’t have done it without some support from Harvey ‘The Help’ He, who assisted on a pair.

“Whooooo gosh dang – haven’t felt this good since the Summit Series!”

Weiner Helenius had a couple helpers of his own, and an overall great performance by the Low-Ex squad justified the 5-1 result.

“Okay, nobody let Angel touch the puck and we’ll make it out of this just fine”

During the post-game press conference, none of Night Splash members showed up. Apparently they were ‘out of juice’ and too busy initiating their mid-season pick-up, Tim ‘Pretty good at Hockey’ Cocchi at a ‘discreet’ KTV.

The Fans Said It: “McKelvey and Whately looked like Sedin Twins out there with the same beard, we weren’t sure who was f*@$ing who?!”

“I bet those boys had a nice afternoon buying matching panties and expensive facial hair treatments.”

“That number 8 on the Night Splash… did he just score his first ever SHC goal? It looked like it for chrissakes, he was screaming like a little girl and going nuts out there!”

“I’m just the janitor, but I’m a bit drunk and I lost my keys. There’s nobody here on Saturday nights, so why the Hell are you guys always here at 4am?”

WEEK 10

Well, folks, this past week has been packed – just packed – with SHC action. We had the Annual Beijing Pond Hockey tournament, AND a full slate of games on the docket. Just to give you an idea of just how much puck has been going on, the switchboard in Barry Roe’s guest bathroom has lit up so many times with incoming calls that our resident out-of-work Ex-English teacher, Dolores, up and quit. According to her, the high volume of reports, in addition to all the long-distance calls “from potty-mouthed Russian men continuously farting into the receiver…” put her off. So, for all of you out there who’ve been trying to get a hold of us over the past few days, we’re sorry about that. And if you’re reading this from your offices hidden somewhere in the Kremlin, and I’m sure you are… Two can play at this game, you shadowy KHL Exec Goons…

“Ewwwwwww. If I knew I had to put up with this, I woulda stayed back in Jerseyyyyy.”

But enough about that – there’s more than enough out-of-work English teachers in Shanghai to fill the void – here’s yer friggen’ roundup:

Friday Night

Lowered Expectations 2 vs. Ice Cocks 1 (S/O)

Looking to redeem themselves against a rock-solid Cocks pounding last weekend, and looking to change things up a little, Lowered Expectations arrived at the rink dressed in cultish black hoodies bearing the ancient insignia of the Boar. They then trudged in unison down into the subterranean underbelly of Feiyang in search of the old one, so as to translate his dark divinations. Foul incense was lit and a pentagram was improvised out of hockey sticks before a booming voice from the spectral depths decreed: “Low-Ex shall send 2 players north to seek re-education, and another south to indulge in the pleasures of the flesh…Let it be known”

Pictured Above: A sacrilegious Simon Pinard models the ghastly garments in his workplace

And so the Low-Ex boys, convinced the spooky prediction held some clout, hit the ice with their 7 remaining players. What followed next was a long, drawn-out night that saw a white-eyed Mark ‘the dark one’ Qin score a demonic goal assisted by the banshee-esque Chris ‘Voodoo Maniac’ Recutriak. However, a lone Cock would be allowed to score that evening, and a clearly frustrated Barry ‘Dante’s Inferno’ Duke did so in the 2nd. We actually caught up to Duke at the break to get a piece of his mind: “I don’t know what happened. I was just waking up from a nap in my usual spot down in the basement when these morons came down and started asking my advice. I told them to screw off, and half of them did! I’m fairly certain each and every single one of them is wasted right now – I can’t believe we’re still tied.” It turns out that the ‘Hellion’, Harvey He, would indeed be the ‘chosen one’, scoring the winning shoot out goal.

Saturday Night

Fog Devils 12 vs. Beardogs 7

Wow, folks. Just wow. 19 goals — though it probably wasn’t that great for the goalies’ self esteem, I can’t imagine how happy the fantasy league boys are gonna be after this one – WOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dirty Blues 6 vs. Fog Devils 4

In the next matchup, the Foggy D-Lights came out flying against the undermanned DB’s, racking up goals early and often in the first half. With the magic from their first game winding down, the first half ended with the Devils up 4-1. After the break, however, the Dirty Shoes took advantage of the FDs finally feeling the effects of the double header. With several exhausted Devils slowing down, the Blues finally put the pressure on, scoring 4 unanswered goals. They finally took the lead 5-4 after Andy ‘Grilled Cheese’ Sigfrieds fired home the GWG with 5 minutes left to play. The DBs held off a flurry of late game pressure and finally scored an empty netter with just a couple seconds left on the clock to solidify the win 6-4.

Dirty Blues 4 vs. Fever 1

Against the Fever, an utterly exhausted DBs squad played conservative defensively as they were right where they wanted to be: very undermanned (6 guys) and out of gas – which is when they seem to shine. A strong performance by both new players, Darien ‘I drive a Fiat’ Bryant, and Curtis ‘not just a clever name’ Good made waves in the SHC community. Good’s hat-trick performance, and ironman stay-at-home D standouts: Justin Brown-town Browner and Frederick ‘neck twist’ Nyquist ensured the depleted DB squad would pull off yet another short-benched upset.

Fever 2 vs. Beardogs 1

In this tight affair, the Fever opened the scoring halfway through the first period with a shortie. Mike ‘Mchustlenuts’ Mckevett showed his characteristic grit when he skated the puck into the offensive zone before making a drop pass to a trailin’ Skarin’, who after some hard work at shinnies seems to have found his legs. Since Skarin’ was already sailin’ and farin’ just well, he took a couple more strides and fired a well-placed shot that Casey wouldn’t have gloved down even if it were a cold beer.

In the second half, Mike “Mchustlenuts” Mckevett continued to carry the team, sniping a beauty of a bar-down dinger. The beardogs were, however, able to get on the board as Sigve ‘immune to Khlamydia’ Klepsvik, who was hungover as balls and doing his best to sweat it out, scored off a face-off in his much-awaited return to the SHC. Welcome back, you golden-haired Norswedanish Snus-goblin.

Pictured Above: Sigvart – The musical

Beijing Pond Hockey 

The most anticipated tournament of the year kicked off in style Friday night at the Beijing Dulwich High School athletic grounds, causing most players to scratch their heads in confusion, and others to shamelessly hit on the barely legal onlookers in the crowd.

“Hey, how you doin’?”

The ongoings of the tournament itself are a bit hazy for… well… everyone, so I’m just going to leave a few photos here for your enjoyment:

Ssssssshoe….. SSssssshhhhhooooeeee…      …Zuuuuuki

Congratulations to the Tinderwolves, who absolutely dominated the A division final to take home the cup for the second year in a row. Though they weren’t undefeated in the tournament *cough, ahem* they made an absolute mockery of the teenage squad that embarrassed the Xiao Long Bros in the semis, so hats off to them!

SHOOOEEEEZZZUUUUUKIII, SHOOOOEEEEZUUUUUKIII!!!

“Sauce it over the rock, ya friggen’ beaut!”

When you’re a kid growing up playing hockey – and it doesn’t matter where – there are a precious few moments you just know will stay with you for the rest of your life. For most of us, those moments happen when we’re young – kids really. It could’ve been in minor hockey, it might’ve been when you “peaked” back in Junior, and for a lucky few, the life memories forever linked to the game might’ve happened on an even bigger stage. Regardless, the joy hockey gives us is the same from pond to lake, road to rink, or province to country. And like many other things we grow to love, it’s hard to let go when it’s gone.

“Ah move yer bag, I need a place to lace up… Wait. Aaron what isss this?”

“Bro! You laugh, but that tag’s been on my bag since I was there – I made nationals, man!”

“Yeah? That’s cool, bud. Heh. You’re like the exact same height, only now your melon is three sizes bigger and you’ve got a dirty stash.”

The culture is ingrained in you from an early age, and there’s nothing better than the intricacy of it: a goalie’s pre-game rituals are always quirky, you don’t get on the ice before the Zamboni doors are closed, you don’t drop the gloves with rooks (even over an excessive celly), and if you tape your stick from toe-to-heel, you’re a godless savage. None of it makes sense – but it’s all understood… and respected. Hockey at the rink, hockey on the pond, mini-stick hockey in the hallway for chrissakes – there’s always a way it’s supposed to be done. There’s always an understanding, a way to rationalize any action or reaction… and a built-in penal system, to punish those who start takin’ liberties.

“He who taketh the cheap shot must pay. It is known.”

*choral response*

“Yes. It is known.”

The sad thing is that somewhere along the line for everyone reading this, Life took over. All the excitement we used to feel lacin’ em up got replaced with some role, responsibility or tragedy that ultimately landed us in a country where good hockey is hard to find.

And beers. It’s pretty hard to find good beers

Many of our connections to the leagues back home were severed, leaving us adrift in a place where the unspoken rules, codes and etiquette that made sense of the world got hocked out of existence and spit onto the floor beside us while we waited in line for our ride on the next high-speed G-train to success. Fortunately, the majority of us are only waiting in this station for a little while, so for everything we’ve got – it’s really thanks to timing.

“Aww man, bad pass – sorry – misread it”

“Do the work, let him get his head up, then pass, ya duster”
“That’s a hundred suicide dives, Andy – all the way down to the next guard tower and back!”

“…..feeeeeeck”

“Ahhhh take a look at that, boys. Whatta sight…”
“Eh buddy, yer wastin’ daylight – hurry up and chuck the twigs, ya friggen’ idiot!”

“Ho sweet Jesus. Betcha…betcha I could shoot a puck… over dem mountains”

“You’re such a gentleman…”

“hahaha, I guess my mom raised me right”

“No, you don’t understand. Stop be such a p*$$y.”

Being in the right place at the right time, meeting somebody connected, and working the fact that you play hockey into the conversation takes a confluence of luck, time and openness a lot of us just don’t have. So how beautiful is it, then, that each and every one of us somehow managed to find each other in this massive, congested laowai network, get linked up with a league somewhere on the line between Dalian and Hong Kong, and find ourselves playing puck on a little-known frozen reservoir at the foot of The Great Wall of China?

And how beautiful is the irony of all of us coming together to play against that backdrop, an ancient symbol of division that doesn’t really make much sense?

Under the right lighting, she’s a friggen’ beauty though… that much is understood

All I know is that I’m a lucky guy for everything I’ve been given in life, but getting off the bus on that perfectly clear day and seeing all those mile-wide smiles connecting together from every corner of the world – that was more than good timing, that was serendipitous to the fullest extent of the word…… (I think).

And you might not realize it now, Mark, (and this article might cause you more time in future planning and logistics than you need) but you’re a goddam beauty for giving this to us. If your parents were here, I’d kiss them – though I’m not sure your mom actually has a mouth under that sweet orange beard.

Pictured above: Mr. and Mrs. Simon

Every single brick in that wall makes sense, no matter how out of place it’s seems. It doesn’t matter where they found the stone, how they mixed the mortar, or what the motivation was – it’s been there for as long as any of us can remember, and it stretches across places it reasonably shouldn’t.

Thanks for reminding me what it’s all about, bro