Recap

In the words of the late, great Lynard Skynard, “Tuesday’s Gone with the wind,” and wouldn’t you know it, folks – so is Week 3. It was a weekend of pain; it was a weekend of grain (whiskey); it was a weekend of faux-celebrity fame.

The madness kicked off on Friday night down at Ferocious ol’ Feiyang Figure Skating Arena, where the atmosphere was anything but girly. In a wacky turn of events, games were delayed due to a literal gang of preteen figure skaters refusing to leave the ice surface in time for the SHC’s first matchup of the evening. Luckily, after convincing them that Fever player Hugo Thalen was – in fact – Justin Bieber, a few autographs and dead-eyed selfies later, the awestruck gaggle of giggly teens left without further incident. (Good work, Thalen – we always knew your uncanny resemblance to the Biebz would be good for something).

The Hamburglars 4 vs. Fever 3 [s/o]

After hearing that the Hamburglars were without all-round stud, Adam “check out these dimples” Liu, Captain Custard Pie and his ever-yellow Fever squad hit the ice in high spirits, brimming to the ears with rabid confidence. ‘Mad’ Max Wendellin was out of the lineup due to some issues he encountered looking for gas out on Fury Road, but Brad “Da Beauty” Newly and Chippy Chop Chipman Chappers were ready to take a bite out of the ‘burgs.

 

Pictured above: “Slightly Annoyed Max”

Little did they know that Franck ‘the Tanck’ Saulnier and Aaron ‘Vicious and De‘Liu’icious’ weren’t ready to let the Hamburglars go down without a fight. And boy oh boy, did it ever get scrappy out there. It goes without saying, folks, that the players on these teams probably would’ve made a lot more sense on a roster in a full-contact league (…10-15 years ago, of course).

Brian ‘it was just a lil’ hitskis’ Pipskis, was first to speak to the game’s intensity: “well, you know,” he said, between fat rips on his super cool vaping device, “I was actually in a good place all game – mentally, ya know? I got this new flavor last weekend, and I installed a DIY mod in my coils so that my pulls whip up a thick build every toime, bro. Here, have a rip and just taste it – it’s Tiger Semen. You can’t blame me for gettin’ amped, bro.” (No word yet on whether the franchise sponsorship with the “Jurassic Vape” has been inked with the SHC. Rest assured we’re keeping our robotic appendages crossed).

After all the penalties and high emotions were killed off, the game itself ended in a tie, 3-3. Sweet snipes by Aaron ‘you merely adopted your hockey hair; I was born into it, molded by it’ Liu, Franck ‘Le Petanque’, and Shane ‘somebody call the WAHmbulance’ Anderson ensured the game would go to Overtoime. A solid performance by 13-year-old child prodigy, Joey ‘barely legal’ Barnaby, helped stop the Fever from capitalizing on some good chances late in the game. Nobody really knows for sure who scored for the Fever, as some irresponsible clutz, probably suffering the after-effects of a concussion (Isaac ‘life’s a fickle bitch’ McKitrick *cough cough*), spilled his beer all over the game sheets. However, rumor has it that Captain Custer keeps very detailed Corgi, Fenwick, and PDO stats from all the games.

The shootout was nothing short of ugly, as Barry ‘Bubs’ Roe was quick to point out, “That was just greasy boys, greasy. Greee-heeee-HEASY!” Fellow netminder, Brett ‘Super-Saiyan’ Syer, agreed: “Watching you idiots run each other out there was far more elegant than any… single… one… of those shoot-out attempts.” Aaron ‘Fu-Man-Liu’ was too busy combing his sparse facial hair to listen.

 

Pictured above: Brett Syer

Binqiu Beardogs 8 vs. Fog Devils 1

The second game of the evening got off to a quick start when ‘Boston’ Dan’s Beardogs hit the ice with a full squad of hungry hungry hipp-beauties. Unfortunately for the Fog Devils, a lack of attendance and general sense of apathy emanating from their locker room before the game was a sign of the dog’s breakfast (pun fully intended) of a match that was soon to follow. It was peculiar that even returning SHC veteran, ‘Joaquin’ Jared Kubas, couldn’t seem to concentrate on anything other than the Siri function on his phone, which he unabashedly held conversations with instead of focusing on the upcoming game.

It was as though the Bear-bastards could smell the apprehension on the Devil’s bench before the puck drop. It wasn’t long before the (up until this point win-less) Binqiu Beauts started lighting up a grossly unprepared, and generally gross, Karl the Kraut. To be fair, he wasn’t getting much help from Devil’s top defensive pair of ‘Ruby Ruby Ruby’ Truby and a feathery-moustachioed Kubas. The Bad News Beardicks sent a strong message, lighting the lamp 3 times in the first 6 minutes of the game.

 

An intoxicated Soggy D’s forward, Albert ‘what an odd first name for a Russian’ Almukhametov, had this to say at the half: “Vat, jus becauwz you Sink I do nat know vat is going on right now, you sink zat I cannot drink more? Unh — UNH??!!” There was no official measurement of how much Russian Standard vodka was consumed during the break, but folks, if you could’ve seen his breakaway attempt in the second half, you’d understand that it must’ve been a lot.

All credit to the Bearrrrrjewwwwwws, whose 1st round pick, Handsome McHandsome Face, sniped a hat-trick and added two helpers; 2nd round pick, Cutie McBlue Eyes, got one of his own with three helpers; and 3rd round pick, Chiseled McAbsfordays, picked up a Tim Horton’s double-double.

Saturday Night Action:

Gingerbeards 3 vs. Ice Cocks 2

In what would ultimately prove to be a test of Stamina, and preteen innuendo, the Gingerbeards stayed firm and outlasted the somewhat flaccid Ice Cocks in their first rendezvous of the season. The return of the G’beards #1 pick, Martin “The Trojan” Magnum, provided the staying power needed to keep the beards in the lead throughout the contest, pounding his way in and out of the crease repeatedly early in the first half and depositing the 1st of his two goals.

Pictured above: Midori, with the clapper from the point!

 

The Beards defense kept stiff, and with some solid backchecking by the rest of the team, blocked everything they could, only allowing one cock tally to split the pipes in the first half of the game. That was enough to get the beards back on the offensive thrust prompting Dennis aka “large-one” Larcombe to pound one home from the point to put the beards back on top early in the second.

Through the fog

A brief spurt by the cocks in the second half to tie it up proved unsatisfying to the crowd and was followed up shortly with Magnum jamming yet another “Biscuit in the Basket” for the go ahead goal, consummating the beards’ first win of the season. Several cocks were later seen after the game in the pharmacy trying to load up on some “little blues” using fake scripts. When asked for a comment on the game they flipped up their collars and pretended they didn’t know us.

Above: The ‘Manimal’ Manfred, breakin’ it out

Chiefs 2 vs. Night Splash 0
Ice Cocks 4 vs. Night Splash 3 [OT]

The Night Splash dropped a pair on the night to the Cocks and Chiefs, in what was supposedly a hilarious affair. Apparently, it took J. McKelvey all night to capitalize on an absurd number of perfect feeds from fellow splasher Angel ‘I can’t believe he missed… again’ Wang.

 

No word yet on whether any members of the Chiefs club are literate – I think they were too busy trying to vote for Trump. Maybe next week, folks!

TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!*

Stay safe out there and keep your stick on the ice!

*The SHC WHOLEHEARTEDLY condones giving a damn about politics. But REGARDLESS of how this thing turned out, we’re excited for the new influx of American players that should be moving to Shanghai any moment now…

Good Golly Miss Molly, Folks! You won’t believe the excitement that transpired down at dirty ol’ Fanny-Feiyang Arena this past weekend. We had fans throwing tear gas onto the ice, drunken Czechs pouring beer onto the scoreboard console, and we even had an incident involving a visibly unnerved, bleary-eyed Kunlun cheerleader squad, a pants-less Peter Helenius, and an armed swat team. No word yet on when Helenius will be out of jail, by the way.

Friday night was a doozy. And I do mean a ‘doozy’ – Two games! get it? Ahhhhhhh, Deux… no? That’s okay, our Frenchy contingent fully understands. They’re just too busy eating baguettes and checking their delicate jawlines in the mirror to take notice.

First up it was the “Get Lo wit ur Ex” crew (Lowered Expectations), who managed to shave the G Beards despite losing many players to injuries like, “Beaver Knee”, “Fondued Nerves” and “Bang Cock Itch” (which has ‘spread’ through the SHC like wildfire this week). It’s worth noting that the Gingah Beards were missing their top pick, Martin Magnan, who is reportedly suffering from “an undisclosed lower body injury” after he apparently fainted while looking at his handsome French face in the mirror for too long. The Magnan-less found the net in both periods but it wasn’t enough against Harvey “He Man’s” goal and Simon Pinard’s well-supported hat trick.

Next up was the Ice Cocks, who moved to 2-0 with a decisive win over the now 0-2 Night Splash with a 6-1 well-lubricated pounding. The Splashers got on the board early with a shot from outside the blue line that seemed to change direction on the way to the net… as pucks rolling on their side tend to do. Continued pressure from the Splashers created some panic on the IC bench, but it was short lived as the tying goal was tucked in before the first period ended. The floodgates opened in the 2nd frame with 5 unanswered goals. Cobbett and Thompson each had 2, while Dyer got his 2nd of the season. Strong play on the wings helped move the puck up ice with great games from Matt Zhang, Midori and Cason Li, while work in process, d-man Manfred Man Ortmaier, made solid plays. No word yet on when that new mountain of salt building up underneath Darry Buke’s equipment rack will be cleaned up. It’s just too bitter to deal with, according to the usually amenable arena staff.

Then there was Saturday… a night of surprise, a night of demise, a night to remember… for the Dirty Blues, anyway.

In the first game of the evening, a severely short-benched Dirty Blues squad (6 skaters!) rallied to defeat the Fever in a shootout thriller that will haunt Fever Captain Custer’s dreams for at least another 3 seasons. The final score was 4 -3 on the board for 2 points in the standings, but it was 100 – 0 on the ego and 10 Hail Mary’s for the Fever’s team spirit. In their second game of the evening, the boys in Dirty Blue continued to shock and awe by coming back from yet another deficit and defeating the Hamburglars in a shootout, 5-4. With only 6 greasy grinders pumping on all cylinders, Andy “I’ve got sick abs” SigmundFreudz showed up big toime with 4 ginos and an apple on the night. Perpetual beauty, Janzy D-Lick Velich, sniped a fawkin’ beaut in the shootout – on Barry doe-eyed Roe, no less!!! Props, gentlemen. Props.

Luckily for balance in the universe, both the Fever and Hamburglars got their collective shit together after their mind-numbing initial losses to the devious Dirt-bag Blues. They both went on to smash a mystified Fog Devils squad who dropped two games to two VERY ANGRY teams who had a lot to prove.

The fever dominated the first half and got on the board first when Hugo ‘the biebs’ Thalen made his way to the front of the net and outmuscled two hapless Fog Devil defenders for the puck and scored off a rebound. It wasn’t long before the FDs called upon their satanic magic to temporarily bedevil the Fever netminder and score a goal shortly before the intermission.

The fever took the lead early in the second half when Thalstin Sweiber scored on a slick backhand snipe. The goal had the near capacity crowd beliebing another Fever victory was inevitable. However, the FDs fought back admirably as Nakata crashed the net and picked up the trash, like any respectable Japanese citizen would.

The game remained tied at 2 until, with 30 seconds left, Brad ‘fitness is an addiction’ Newly scored the game-winning goal the same way he responds to his students – with a well-placed backhand.

The Burglars also took out their frustration on the Devs, who by this point in a night of double-headers probably just wanted to be doing something else. A relentless storm of brotherly Liu love lit the lamp for a combined 14 points on the evening. Fog D’s captain, Hans-suck ass, could be heard lamenting from the bench, “If only I’d drafted more hybriiiiids! IF OONLLLYYYYYY!!!!! PPPPIIIIIIIIIII——-ZZZAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

A special shout-out to the gloriously handsome Swedes on their win in the Bangkok tourney! It should be noted that many of these male-models play for the Dirty Blues regularly, so the rest of the SHC needs to stop assuming Justin ‘Brown-Town’ and Daryl ‘Dime-bag’ Slaney are too intoxicated to flip the fawwwkin’ switch.