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Dec

2020

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 8

Great Ghost of Christmas Past, Folks,

The last few weeks have been chock full of holiday goodness and traditional Shanghai Pastimes, so it goes without saying that the entire staff down here at the Veiny Tiger has been getting a little too “blitzed with Blitzen,” IF… you catch my drift.

Yeaaaaah you catch my drift

Luckily for us – after the smoke settled and the fog lifted – there were some pretty interesting Christmas carols scrawled on the office walls, so we decided to publish some for everyone’s literary appreciation and meditative analysis. And all because we know how much our league members appreciate literature:

Pictured Above: Intelligence

But enough with the preamble – let’s tear open this Christmas bitch

Saturday, December 12th

The first meetup of the weekend was set to be a thriller the likes of which the killer on the Manhunters’ sweater was particularly inclined. The Ladyhunters were desperately searching for their first win of the season – despite acquiring league ‘Fart Ross’ candidate Jeff “Flames Retro Reverse – Gloves Only” Hritzuk, in their line up.

The Giants were on the lookout and playing solid, despite the fact they were missing Ivan “Sleeping beauty” Tchekanskin for the first period of the game due to an overload of tinder activity and lack of sleep. Regardless, the Giants took off like a starship Elon Musk would even be jealous of. Tiger “I’m filling up the stands with my palls so I’m going coast to coast each time” Gaoscored a beaut, ripping the first one past Syer who was clearly still in the locker room. The pressure from the boys and girl in white was clear from the start and the Ladyhunters had no real answer. To top off the first period, Jan “The man in red” Jelinek received a pass up ice from TTTTiger (Who else?) and with the no-look pass of the year, set up Sander “Mister Negative himself” Vermeulen for a perfect break away. Score 2-0 at the break and that all without the NO. 1 Tinder Terror on the ice.

(Yeah The Manhunters lost, but it’s called foreshadowing, ya beaut!)

Luckily for the Giants, after Ivan had his mid-afternoon mother’s milk, he showed up raring and ready to go. The men in white couldn’t have asked for a better opportunity to show off their total dominance over the Ladyhunters when they got a 5-on-3 powerplay to flex their muscles a bit more. With a textbook powerplay demonstration and a Wesley snipe of lethal proportions, Tiger (Really, who else?) Gao finished the perfect 5-on-3 play.

The Giants seemed to be cruising to their easiest victory of the year so far. The Ladyhunters must have sensed the lack of effort on the other side and decided to make this into a hockey game again. The lethal duo of Jefferson Airship Tullis scored the first of the game for the Ladies who, despite not being visible for an entire game, started a late rally. The Hunt sisters also decided it was their time to shine with one of the ugliest goals in SHC history (it was gross) 3-2 with 4 minutes to play and The Ladyhuntes were bringing out the guns. Jeff and Tully had never seen that much ice time in their lives but it was all too little too late. Giants win to go in the Christmas break on a high note.

The Shams came in Saturday night “hot” on a long winning streak and they were looking unbeatable! The Caps came in off a big OT win in week 7 showing they could dance with the Devils, but now they had their biggest test of faith – going up against the Luck of the Irish! The Caps were able to open the scoring on speedy breakaway from their star Sebby, but The Shams were quick to fire back 2 goals and take the lead. The Caps, however, grinded it out and their 3^rd line stepped all the way up to jam one through the keeper! Kevin Mao had tied the game up 2-2 to keep the faith! The goalies were playing exceptional and keeping both teams in it. One massive breakaway stoninig of a floundered Mike Walsh by Barry Bee Gee Roe had everyone screaming bloody robbery.

(Editor’s Note: appropo, considering it’s his birthday and all)

Now, late in the game, The Caps got back-to-back power plays, but were unable to register. Things were looking grim when The Shams got a power play of their own, but The Caps wingers had been staying tight to The Shams star D boys all half and not letting them control the game. With time winding down and under 1:30 left in the game, a miracle took place when “to borrow from Peter to pay Paul” paid off with a goal of biblical proportions! Karam had put The Caps up with a 3-2 game winner! The Caps then got the insurance goal to end the night 4-3, climbing up as a 500 club.

Sunday, December 13th

It finally happened, folks! The Manhunters won a game in regulation. (Editor’s Note: Looks like Sheldon’s Delicious Christmas Season Auspiciousness prediciton in Week 6 actually came true!)

Now, it’s only fitting that we recap the game action using the meme dump the Manhunters submitted instead of a write-up, as nobody on The Manhunters squad is halfway literate anyway, and “meme” seems to be the only language this bunch of troglodytes understands. So enjoy:

Just like Christmas morning, Sunday was a night where anything could happen: David “don’t call me white*” Lin got a point, the Eagles beat the saints, Barry lost his phone, even the f**king Manhunters got a legit win (and it came from people whose names don’t rhyme with ‘chipmunk’ scoring all their goals for once).

*That’s a NOFX reference, ya beaut!

Unfortunately for the Eagles, the Miracle on 34^th street ended around 9 pm and the Ice pulled even at the top of the league by doing what they’ve become best known for, beating teams while short-handed. Player of the night here goes out to Vic “I love fountain pens” Mui and his 4 apples which he miraculously managed to get despite spending a solid ¾ of the game sliding around on the ice pretending there was a sniper trying to take him out. For a guy who just learned how to skate, he showed a lot of heart out there getting the job done.

Santa, can you get Victor’s skates sharpened for Xmas?

“Gentleman” Jim Burgess continued his torrid pace as well, sniping a beauty with a change-up that would have made Trevor Hoffman proud. Sadly, it was one of the cleanest pucks he’s fired all year but who says speed matters. We can’t discuss this game without taking the time to mention “Comrade” Jamil, who managed to pull off one of the most Russian hockey moves in history, showing up 5 minutes into the final period, offering no apologies, and then netting 2 points. This man knows how to be quick and efficient, well quick at least. “Firin’” Fred Lee had a solid game up front and we are confident that if the net ever stops moving, he’s going to be adding his name to that scoresheet soon enough. Oh, and Gale got a hat-trick. Overall, a solid way to head into the Christmas break for the Ice who will be looking to pick that momentum back up in 2021.

We’re going to wrap this Christmas present up on a slightly more serious note by offering a huge thank you to the Execs for everything they do keeping this league running smoothly (well running at least). Merry Christmas you filthy animals! (Editor’s Note: the audacity of this jabroni…)

standings and stats

Well folks, it’s Christmas Day and I’m sure you can only spend so much time staring at your phone instead of your in-laws’ gigantic false smiles. So suck it up, put your goddam phone away, and join the Christmas fray. Merry Christmas, you idiots.

Dec

2020

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 7

Jesus, Mary and Judas, folks – week 7 was a doozy!

Pictured Above: Pizza Christ (R) and Jeff Goldstein (L)

Clearly, the excitement for the Christmas season down at ol’ Feiyang this past weekend was palpable. We were actually inundanted by the hundreds of riveting reports of game action and were even surprised to see a few adorable letters to Santa that somehow got mixed in with the delivery (more on that next week).

Fans and players alike were also happy to start seeing the positive results of some SHC-sponsored referee clinics we ran a few weeks back at the Massé Gastro Lounge:

Pictured Above: The Skärin Method in action

Ah yes, nothing but good calls and good toimes this week, folks. But enough about that. Let’s get into the nitty gritty.

Saturday December 5th

Giants 1 vs. Ice 3

Looks like The Shanghai Ice’s new mantra, “Less is more, unless it’s pubic hair” is serving them well, as they won their second in a row with only 7 skaters. The Ice got the ball rolling when Nakata Poo-Caca unwisely listened to goalie and resident MENSA member, Barry “Mensa-Roestration” who loudly told him to, “pass the puck directly up the middle of the ice, it’s never a bad ideaaaa!”

Pictured Above: A moody egghead you can trust

What they didn’t account for was the lateral mobility and overall athleticism of Brian “Pissed Off” Christoff who came out of nowhere to pick off the pizza and fire it bar down on the irritable and stomach-cramped Barry. Not even a screen on the shot, folks. Just pure ol’ American horsepower.

The Ice continued rolling, rolling, rolling (Limp Bizkit style) when Lithuania’s number one prospect and animal sex offender, Alex “I did it for the Nookie” Gale circled the net a few times before calmly sliding the puck across the crease to the Russian Jamilla “Vanilla” Ice.

Pictured Above: Russian Vanilla Ice (I think)

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it….and so a few minutes later Alex “True Story: I’ve Fucked a Quail” Gale repeated the move before calmly slipping the puck across the crease to the world’s slipperiest Chinese teenager, Sky “that description makes me uncomfortable” Skyerson.

Some credit should be given to the goalies as Barry made up for his earlier mistakes by absolutely robbing Local DJ4U2NV, a.k.a. Sander “The Belgian Bass Blast” Vermeulen on a breakaway that turned out to actually matter after Nakata fired one short side later in the period to get the Giants up on the board. Brett also played well – but let’s be honest – no one cares what he does unless he breaks a stick.

“Saving games. Saving lives. And breaking sticks. It’s all in a day’s work for a beer league goalie.” -Brett Syer

Shoutout here at the end to Brian, as his goal turns out to be his first one EVER in competitive (and we use that term loosely) hockey. Congratulations!

Manhunters 2 vs. Shamrocks 3

Saturday’s second game featured the league-leading Shamrocks and the basement-dwelling Manhunters. Notably absent from the lineups were the league’s top two scorers on the year, the Shamrocks’ Michael “I wanna dance with somebody (Who loves me)” Walsh and the Maneaters’ Jeff “Dancing Queen” Hritzuk – both CHOOSING to miss this (meaningless and frankly pre-determined) game to attend a work-sponsored dance. Admittedly, both were missed, as each brings superior skating skills, hockey sense, and transitional capabilities to a league that often lacks any identifiable qualities or sense of etiquette.

Pictured Above: The Macho Man SHC Savage

Minutes after their 3-2 win, the Shamrocks’ notoriously outspoken and crude, Chris Im could be heard in the media scrum lamenting the lack of Shamrock talent on the night: “I had to put these assholes on my back all night. I mean, learn how to take a pass already, you scrubs.” When asked about the absence of Walsh and how it affected the ‘Rocks, the walking embodiment of locker room cancer continued, “I don’t give a rat’s ass about that guy. Let him dance all fucking season for all I care. Now eat a dick, all of you. Oh? Not sure how that works – here, read up!”

(Editor’s Note: I’ve heard some foul-mouthed braggarts in the locker room over the years, but this Im character takes the cake)

Im led the Shammies with two goals and was literally the only player in green to touch the puck all night. Their other goal was notched when the rebound of an Im clapper went in off of Diamond Dennis “Large One” Larcombe’s diamond-studded cup:

The Maneaters answered with goals by Sheldon and Graydo to make it close for a hot minute there.

Sunday December 6th

Giants 6 vs. Eagles 2

For their second game of the weekend The Giants faced The Eagles in their first showdown of the season. Coming off a tough loss the night before, every Giant was looking for redemption. Nobody knew that The Eagles had a surprise up their sleeve with Alex “The Meatcleaver” Cleveland, who stepped up to reinforce the already wounded Eagles.

However, This wasn’t enough to slow the Giants’ fast start, as they scored two quick ones out of the gate to take the early lead. First up was Ninja Nakatawith a hacky wacky (the correct term for when a player just whacks the shit out of a goalie till the loose puck goes in). Soon after, the Japanese contingent of Fumin‘ Fumiaki and Yoko “Yahs Queen” Mitani connected on the back-end, feeding team captain Sander for his patented Belgian Boomer over Casey’s shoulder. Early reports say that had it not been for all the sustained damage to Westergaard’s eardrums from the repeated shellackings he’s sustained this season, he might’ve suffered even more hearing damage from that bar down zinger.

“The cold beers also help keep the swelling down” – Casey, probably

In the 2nd, Tiger the beast Gao clearly had had enough of the mediocre shit we pass off as hockey. He railed two beauty coast-to-coasters that singlehandedly pulled the rug out from underneath anything that was coloured yellow. Ivan the Terrible tallied two of his own to add to his legendary kill count, and put the final nails in the coffin.

Penalties were shared on both ends, although we might need to hire Martin Skärin for some more advanced training. Luckily, the volunteer ref core in the SHC is working with local agencies to establish a multi-disciplinary training regimen:

Pictured Above: Next Level Art of Seduction for SHC Refs

Fog Devils 5 vs. Capitalists 6 (SO)

Sunday night was an epic showdown of understaffed teams as the Fog Devils took on the Capitalists. The game started off just the way everyone expected with the Fog Devils dominating the Capitalists with their Harlem Globetrotter razzle dazzle passing and shooting. Were it not for the heroics of Karl ze German, the score would have been much higher than 1-0 for the Devils, who finally opened the scoring after basically their whole team touched the puck at least once before good ol’ nondescript Liam (wearing 88 as a tribute to his favourite cartoon bear) scored.

“Of course he wears it as a tribute to meeee, hee hee. The only other meaning of 88 is now inextricably related to White Supremacyyyyy, hee hee”

Then, owner of said bear, Trev “prooobably not a white supremacist” BOOMi decided to pay tribute of his own by skating down the wing and surprising the goalie (and himself) by scoring his first goal since Trump lost the election. His team, like the rest of the world, was relieved, but also like the US, the relief was only temporary as the Devils answered right back and carried the lead into the second half.

I mean, get a load of this game action, folks – riveting stuff!!!!

(Editor’s Note: I’ve seen curling players walk up the ice quicker than this shit show of a play)

Speaking of supremacy, all hands were on deck in the second period — and by hands, we mean Fog Devils players’ sticks, and by deck, we mean Sebastien, as the lady killers in red used every trick in the book to try to slow him down. Alas, Kid Flaasch could not be stopped and he blazed down the wing and roofed a shot over Karl’s shoulder. The teams traded a flurry of goals, including a beauty deke by JOFA and a blueline howitzer from BOOMi. The Devils looked to have the game in the bag, but the Capitalists suddenly discovered their team passing game after reviewing some first half video and worked together to tie it up at 5 and send the game to OT. In the shootout, the Devils learned that they simply had no solution for Kryptonite Karl and Casey Casem, while BOOMi continued his best impression of a Schaafsmaa by netting his 4th goal of the game before the real Schaafsmaa stood up and scored a beauty winner.

(Editor’s Note: appropo)

Well that’s all she wrote for week 7, folks! Stay tuned in the upcoming days as we’re looking forward to hammering out some good news just in time for the Christmas break!

Dec

2020

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 6

December already? WTF, folks!

With the holiday season right around the corner, and with it the sad realization that our 2020 New Year’s Resolution fitness goals are officially shot to shit, one would think that having an HQ in a shopping mall would greatly benefit the SHC news team in its search for some cathartic retail therapy. Unfortunately, we spent the entire day walking around and didn’t pick up anything apart from some serious schizoprhenic Liam Vibes:

(Pictured Above: Sneak Preview Footage from the SHC’s very own Episode of “Making a Murderer: Stalkin’ Austin, the Minhang Menace”)

Luckily for us there was a constant flow of reports to keep us distracted with all the extraordinary extracurricular action happening around town. The most intriguing of which involved our newest King and SHC member of the year, Yuzo Yamada:

If you didn’t already hear about it, this absolüt beaüt found a way to gift the SHC 50 Cases of Pilsner Urquell, a premium Czech beer. Behold:

(Editor’s Note: Just don’t look too closely at the expiration date, buoys n’ gulls, and we’ll be drinking from now till January 17th like a Euro-trash Kings! Kings I tells ya!!!)

(This 3rd-tier shopping mall store’s for you, Yuzo)

But enough about all that. Let’s see what the cat dragged in.

Saturday November 28th

Ice 4 vs. Fog Devils 2

An oustanding performance from the Shanghai Ice’s youngling, Skywalker Hou resulted in a hattie that left the Foggy D’s wondering what happened to their force on Saturday night. It’s worth mentioning that Skywalker’s linemates, “Jedi” Jim Burgess (1 g and 2A) and “Viceroy” Victor Mui (2A) did their part, pitching some cosmic apples into the beskar bushel en route to the convincing victory.

(Pictured Above: A Cosmic Apple, clearly)

Giants 3 vs. Capitalists 2 (OT)

For the second weekend in a row The Capitalists and The Giants took to the ice for a romantic weekend dalliance. After last week’s heated embrace in the dying seconds of the game between Ivan “The Tinder Terror” and Matt “Hell hath no fury like that of a Whately scorned”, nobody really knew what to expect in this week’s serialized soap opera.

Not to worry if you missed it. As a special treat to our fans, we had our IT department edit together the lover’s quarrel for your viewing pleasure (editor’s note: if high velocity impacts make you squeamish…. or horribly inconsistent volume levels…. viewer beware):

“MAh. NAME. IhS. SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID. SKID ROCK!”

Opening the scoring for the Caps with a muffin of catastrophic proportions was Paul “Dicks out” Karam-be. After somehow losing the draw, he still found a way to squeeze it past Syer’s inflated pads. Surprised but not deflated, the Giants woke up when Ivan “But I deleted Tinder after ‘the incident’” Tchekaskin rushed up the ice from his own zone and dished the sauce tape to tape to Sander “I’m only here for the beer” Vermeulen for the equaliser and his first of the season.

The game was slow as shit usual for the SHC until Ivan and goaltender, Eric “I can skate better than you, just let me break it out” Rupert came up with the genius idea of gift-wrapping a wrap-around for the Caps’ Seb Flaaschma just in time for the holidays. 2-1 for the money makers.

Eventually, Hiro “おつかれ” Otake got tired of sharing the ice with his Euro-trash captain and sent Sander “get-the-fuck-off-the-ice” Vermeulen wide down the left wing. The resulting clap-bomb surprised everybody, including Brett “Welcome to the Gap…between my fucking pads” Syer to equalise once again.

(Pictured Above: Sander speaking to Brett after tying the game)

The final minutes were ticking away and everybody was preparing for OT until Fumiaki “knock-kneed n’ greasy” Nakanishi took a penalty with 1:20 remaining in regulation.

The Caps clearly ignored this golden opportunity, allowing a missed short-handed breakaway by Susumu “I crack brews for breakfast” Nakata, and were lucky to stretch it into overtime. To quote Jan “Yeah but you should see me play Floorball” Jelinek, “This was the shittiest OT I have ever seen: 2 penalties, 32 seconds of play and the ugliest OT goal of all time by Ivan, but we won so I can’t complain!”

Sunday November 29th

Fog Devils (L) vs. Manhunters (W) (forfeit)

It has been said that there are only 2 things we know with absolute certainty:

1) That a broken watch is right twice a day

2) That The Manhunters were overdue

4) That Math isn’t our strong suit

“Any fool can see this is true. ANY FOOL” -Sheldon Hunt

The forfeit loss capped off a bummer weekend for the Fog Devils, who were trying to rebound from their first loss of the year in week 5 and a thumping on Saturday.

In related news, Manhunters’ Team Captain, Sheldon “I believe in Miracles” Hunt shared an image he believed was “a sign” that proved he was in for a week of, “delicious Christmas-season auspiciousness”:

(Weird word choice, we know)

Shamrocks 8 – Eagles 2

The final game of the weekend got underway after a bunch of toolbags finished running some Pee-Wee level breakout drills for an hour because another BIGGER bunch of toolbags forfeited the early game. And honestly folks, we saw a better display of team chemistry in the group of dancing Aiyis outside the rink.

(Editor’s Note: They also knit us some pretty sweet homemade face masks for the winter – sweethearts, every one of them)

The only saving grace for the crowd was the chance to see Hritzik’s magnificent salad flowing out of the back of his bucket. But the roars of fury when the spectators saw he’d cut it clean off almost caused a riot. At that point the surly crowd was ready to go home and watch The Queen’s Gambit with their wives and pretend to be interested in the refreshingly original cinematography and breathtaking quality of production… But alas, the Shammies hit the ice looking to make it 6 in a row.

The Eagles opened the scoring when Nick “The Gorilla Korilla-son” went bar-down on a pretty little number from just inside the blue line. Taka-san also scored for the Shit Birds on a garbage-time goal that no one gave a shit about, really.

Sandwiched between these two irrelevant goals were eight Shamrock tallies. Speaking of being sandwiched…:

TK “The Taint Kisser” Takahara notched two goals in tight for the Shamrocks. Brian (or Bryan?? With an I? a Y? Ugh, this guy) Sternburger also had two for the Shammies after going with the half-visor for the first time this year. Dude can finally see the friggin’ net!

A few other knobs also scored for the Clovers, including Karl I ain’t no Kullerback girl (see picture above) on one of the prettiest one-timers of the year. And of course Walshy blah blah and Chris Im yadda yadda whatever whatever….the two biggest taint kissers of all:

The Eagles were stifled most of the game by the Great Green Wall of Defense, anchored by I wanna rock! (Rock!) Sun and I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and Miles Liu.

Well that’s all she wrote for Week 6, folks! But if you’re still perturbed that Liam still hasn’t been brought in by the police, come down to the Veiny Tiger and buy your loved ones a winter coat with a clear message the dark voices in his head can’t possibly misinterpret:

Hahha, oh Liam. Your path out of the Friendzone is a very dark one indeed, old friend.

Dec

2020

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 5

Man Alive… It’s week 5, folks!!

This weekend saw some heavy pushback from a few clubs looking to break away from the lightweight division and gain some ground on the quarter-season heavyweights. We here in the offices down at the Veiny Tiger knew it was going to be a passion-infused battleground over at Feiyang due to a few hyped-up posts we caught while creeping combing through some league members’ social media (more on that later). So to help capture the mood for this one, go ahead and listen to that song below while you take in this week’s intense summary action. (Editor’s Note: It’s a song from Hansy’s playlist at his black metal bar, Inferno, so if you’re easily offended by violence – viewer beware)

A blood-thirsty anthem from start to end, from the twisted mind of the harvester of carnage himself:

(Thanks, Kitten )

Hokay, time to make the donuts. Let’s get into it, shall we?

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 21st

Giants 4 vs. Capitalists 1

The first game of the weekend kicked off with a bang, and by bang I mean a filthy short-handed goal by the Giants’ Ivan “The Tinder Terror” Tchekaskin. This was a good omen, as rumor on the streets said nobody was sure how the Giants would fare without their 2nd and 3rd-round draft picks in the lineup. Aka, the conjoined mutant from Belgianada named Shandermuelen. However, the fans were in for a treat as they learned right quick why the Giants swiped right on “I eat Asschkin” Tchekaskin in the first round.

After ripping a natttie hattie on a blitzed Barry Roe Jogan, Ivan left the rest of the work to the Giants’ shut-down players, Kohei the Khost-faced Killah, Le Tigre, and Jerry “Goddang” Pang. Aka, the K-pop line:

Pictured Above: Kohei, Tiger and Jerry when they played for the Dongbei Dinos, the Giants’ junior team affiliate

If that wasn’t enough for one for game, the crowd was treated to the cherry on top when Czech newcomer and Jan Velich surrogate, Jan “I don’t think you’re ready for this Jelly” Jelinek unleashed the top cheese beast with a nice snapper from inside the blue line. Whatta tilt!

(Editor’s Note: Jan but not Forgotten)

Fog Devils 1 vs. Eagles 2

As the zamboni flooded the rink in preparation for Saturday night’s second game, the undefeated Fog Devils contemplated what strategy was needed to overcome the intimidating Steven Segales (SR Eagles). In the end they decided on starting the up-and-coming tender sensation, Michael “Angelo” Walsh (no, not the turtle you uncultured savage) in net for the whole game. Insulted yet grateful for the opportunity to have Barry Death Roe Recordsbacking them between the pipes for consecutive periods, the Eagles took to the ice brimming with confidence (while ignoring most bookmaker’s over-under odds for SOG).

“Mich-ael Walsh is a Par-ty Dude”

The illusion of confidence was quickly shattered by the actual confidence inherent in Hans von Beaster‘s moustache when the big man sniped his 4th of the season. However, his offensive prowess wasn’t enough to stop Patrick “who needs a wrist shot anyway?” Yardley from sneaking one in past a screened goaltender on a backhander from the slot.

(Editor’s Note: If you’re not down with “My Pet Monster” we can’t be friends)

With the game tied at 1, both teams refused to back down. Tempers flared, elbows flew, plugs chirped, all while sticks rose higher and higher. On an ensuing power play, Eagles big-man, Andrea “Pipe and a Crepe-az” seized the moment as he did what he does best and laid down the syrupy goodness, sweet-talking his way past two defensemen to receive a cross-crease pass and banging home the PPG.

The Fog Devils remained steadfast in their efforts but were no match for Roe Jogan and the Eagle’s defensive core. Despite an onslaught of shots until the final whistle, the Eagles held on to the lead for their second win of the season.

“Have you guys ever tried DMT?”

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 22nd

Shamrocks 7 vs. Ice 5

In a game that resembled the Average Joe’s vs. the Purple Cobras, the only winners in this dodgeball match were the goalies – as they refused to get hit on a goal-filled Sunday night.

Pictured Above: Casey, probably

The Ice struck first, with no mercy, as Alex “Body of Milk” Gale eagerly tried to justify his sponsorship from the Dairy Farmers of Canada. Gale buried two cow patties top titty as the Ice jumped out to a commanding lead only 30 seconds into the game. Gale suckled the teat 2 more times on the night, milking an impressive 4 goals by the end.

But a 7-5 game wouldn’t be summarized right if we didn’t take the time to beak the goaltenders a lil’ (for the first period at least).

Just like that saucy minx you were about to ghost, the tenders were a bit late to the period.

On the overly protected and sheltered side of things, Karl “Virgin? I’m not a virgin! You Take That Back1!!” KullerBack finally popped his cherry, tallying his first of the season. It was hard to say if Kully got a little bit carried away with all the raw emotion of his newfound manhood, as he spent the rest of the night zipping up and down the ice faster than a whore’s drawers.

(Luckily He was Wearing Protection)

The “Ace of Basic“ front man himself, Rikard “Da Man Bun Mammoth” Ivner put on a Swedish pop anthem worthy performance. He was moving through the Ice defenders like a synth-pop queen who could “see the sign” from a mile away. Ivner serenaded the star struck goaltenders for two, as the Shammies took the Double-ya.

(Editor’s Note: Don’t even pretend for a second you actually needed that reference clip, ya old bastard!)

Rounding out the scoring for the Shamrocks were Walsh and Im. These two assholes combined for 4 goals and 0 class.

Capitalists 7 vs. Manhunters 5

To close out the weekend action, Sunday night lights shone down on two awful teams in the throws of two long-ass losing streaks.

It began with Matt “fuck you for whatever you’re gonna write here, Shane” Whately coughing a pizza up the middle to the Manhunters’ locker room treasure and shining star, Jeff Hritzuk to put the Manhunters up early.

The Caps blasted back when recently-released-from-his-parole-time-spent-as-a-defenceman, power forward David “Gonzo” Gonzalez muscled straight to the net and greased it across the line.

Then he did it again! 2-1 Caps! Just kiddin’ folks, lol – the ref lost sight of it and blew it dead! (Editor’s Note: Exciting, right!? We know Rob Leiske was excited, and it takes a LOT to get that man excited)

Look at that face. What does it take to get this man’s engine goin’? Check out a few of his moments and see for yourself!

(Ho Jesus, waitin’ on pins and needles for the next fuckin’ shot of adrenaline I get from this man’s feed)

Back and forth it went as it would between two teams playing with a lot of shame on the line. At the half it was 2-1 Capitalists, with Seb “The Flaaschma” Schaafsma scoring a such a beaut that you just have to go through the mafan of clicking on the video below to see it…

“Treasure. That. is. what. you. aaaaaaare. You’re. our. shinin’. staaar” – Graydon Tullis, No. 20

After that fantastic bro-sassination by Tully at the top of the circle, Peter “I Never Sleep” Helenius had the puck for so long that we wondered if he actually fell asleep while playing.

The tit-for-tat game whipped the fans into such a frenzy that The Flaasch had no option but to turn it up a notch. The young buck took a page out of Hritzuk’s book and scored 5 goals, helping the Caps snap their losing streak.

Well folks, that’s all she wrote for week 5. Stay tuned to the Sin Bin and don’t forget to like and follow the official account for instant news and other random shit we’ll be throwing your way every now and again.

Dec

2020

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 4

Cheese and crackers, folks!

With the ungodly amount of 11/11 online shopping clogging up our bandwidth this week, it’s a miracle we managed to post anything at all! You see, the SHC’s very own “Newly Cushion” hit the digital marketplace just in time for the annual online shopping frenzy. And I’m here to tell you, buds – these bad boys sold like hotcakes:

(Editor’s Note: When you join the SHC we own the trademark to your likeness and nicknames till the end of time. It’s in the T&C’s when you sign up for shinny. Don’t believe me? Go look it up – we own you!)

After delivering all 230,000 newly units across the greater Jiangsu province, it was back to the phones for the SHC team, as reports rolled in to give us the skinny on week 4 action. And we’ll get to that in good time, but first let’s take this opportunity to plug another one of our hottest selling Newly line of products. We call it, “The Family Newells” apron:

Pictured Above: Anatomical Correctness

Without any further ado, let’s pop the lid off this can of shriveled little worms, shall we?

Saturday November 14th

Fog Devils 5 vs. Manhunters 4 (OT)

Saturday night opened up with a fierce battle as the undefeated Fog Devils quickly fell behind due to a sneaky play that saw Jeff “The Nightman” Hritzuk karate chop a high-and-wide point shot out of midair right down to his stick. He then buried the biscuit with a blur of cat-quick reflexes so quick you’d have sworn he was a black belt.

“HSssssssssssss” – Jeff Hritzuk

Lo and behold, the game’s antagonist scored another one by slithering up centre ice like a nimble burglar in the middle of the night, sliding his second right through a helpless Barry Roe’s no-no zone.

Not one to be disheartened, Newly fired back up center ice like a bitch in heat and ripped a wrister on the short side, making it 2 – 1 Manhunters at the end of the first period.

Pictured Above: A dramatic reenactment of Newly’s (L) heroics

The SHC’s resident camera woman and 2020’s award winner for “most tickled profile picture in the SHC group chats,” Amy Bruce, inched closer to the edge of her seat for some second-half action. Unfortunately, it was just in time to see her husband, Loosey Brucey, get lit up as the ever-venomous Hritizuk struck out at an errant pass like a snake and turned into the FD’s zone to complete a natural hattrick.

Pictured Above: Gluteus Correctness

(Editor’s Note: this post’s late and I’ve decided to let the rest of this summary play out as originally intended – enjoy!)

Nimble Newly quickly returns with a headfirst into the net goal (no one is sure what part of his iron man body put it in). Witch now puts the Devils back into the battle. The Devils team Caption “Soft Hands Hans” gallops all the way down the ice with elegance around all defenders and sticks one in the upper deck making it a tie game. (What a beauty).

Pictured Above: Newly evening the score

“That Darn Guy” on the Hunters once again shows his talent with a, nobody knows where the puck is but him scramble in front of the net goal. Again “who is this guy” That’s 4 G’s. Once again, the Hunters are up 4-3. Not to be out done Nimble Newly with a beautiful pass from Yodelin’ Yofa five holes a goal making it 4-4 and entering O.T.

You can cut the tension with a knife as the final battle of the Titians begins. The unstoppable forward line up of Yosef, Newly and Hans pass the puck around like all-stars and win the game 5-4 Fog Devils. Maintaining an undefeated record. – Adrian Bruce Jr., age 9

Shamrocks 4 vs. Capitalists 1

The Capitalists weren’t the only ones smelling what the ‘ROCKS were cooking Saturday night as onlookers were dazzled by amazing feats of puck possession and refereeing provided by the Chinese Institute for the Blind.

In a surprise feat, Ben “Will it in” Williston managed to register his first SOG (and tally) of the year. Fantasy leaguers are expecting big production now that Ben has begun to experience the hormonal advantages of puberty. Though it’s been widely reported that he’s in a weird phase as a result:

Pictured Above: Williston’s Version of the Newly Pillow

Coming up clutch with the GWG was none other than the wandering ronin, Tetsu Kitahara. This masterless Shammaurai banged home his second of the year, giving the boys in green a crucial 2-goal lead.

Game-time decision, Michael “there’s worse diseases to have than COVID” Walsh may have been under the weather, but the only thing he was transmitting out there was some disgusting sauce. At one point he hocked a beauty across 2 international airspaces to… his own D partner?!? Now, it’s not often that you can say that a D-to-D pass ends up in a breakaway goal, but we can only guess that Rock “The Dwayne” Sun was on the receiving end of some delicious lung butter while he was doing his best to socially distance himself from Walshy.

We were going to mention how Brian “Fur-burger” Sternberger tallied his first of the year, but we are expecting more opportunities to acknowledge him later as he has reminded us in many a drunken stupor that “I’m putting up 15 this year boys”. Only 14 more to go Sterny. Jiayou, ya duster.

Sunday November 15th

Manhunters 5 vs. Giants 6

Ho jesus, folks. It didn’t take very long for the Manhunters’ secret weapon, Jazzy Jeff Hritzuk to unleash the grease on the Giants’ D-core (scoring his second natural hattie of the weekend, I might add). The Giants found themselves in a hole before rising star Giants defender, “Tiger King“ Gao decided to singlehandedly even the score by hunting down a couple of “Carole Baskins” for his mantle. (editor’s note: …That Bitch)

With the score pretty much even at half, the Giants’ secondary scoring unit were forced to sit back and listen to a terrifying tirade from 5’4″ Yoko Ono Mitani to get their asses in gear:

“…now… if any of you son’s of bitches got anything else to say, nnNNOWs’s the fuckin’ tiiiime!” – Yoko Hitani

Sparked by fears of imminent castration, Shane “Anatomically Correct” Anderson fed Yoko for a beauty in the slot that helped put the Giants up for a spell. Another PP tally late in the game from the Sandertchekaskerson line helped keep the Giants ahead for good, despite a limp-dicked comback attempt.

Eagles 2 vs. Ice 6

In the final game action of the weekend, the Shanghai Ice matched up against the Sr. Eagles.

“Was it a close game….who knows,

Was it a fun game….seemed so;

Can any of you pylons nodding your heads on the subway pretending you understand this actually read?

Of course not.”

-Alexis Gale

As for the actual game, the Ice converted a ridiculous number of chances into 6 goals and the victory. They were led by a 4-point night from Victor “ask me about my watch” Mui, who scored his first hat-trick of the season and added a helper on a goal by the man who is without a doubt the most attractive Swede in the history of the SHC, Martin “Ladies Love RC Racing, Just Ask My Wife” Skäriin.

Pictured Above: Waistband Correctness

Sky “High” Hou and Alex “Why the fuck don’t your gloves match?” Galeeach had 3-point nights with a goal and 2 assists to their names.

It is with great pleasure that we take this moment to mention that David “Why is Victor still yelling at me?” Lin picked up his first point of the season on a beauty of an apple behind the net.

The Eagles managed 2 goals to keep it respectable, both on local brewer, Casey “Lanehouse” Westergaard, whose beer bottles better have fewer holes in them than HE did in that crease, or else the man’s business is going belly up. Andrea “Pipe and a Crepe-az” and Patrick “My personality makes up for my lack of a wrist shot” Yardley were the lonely goal scorers.

Well that’s all she wrote for Week 4, folks! Stay tuned for some top-tier game action this weekend. Also, let us know if you’re interested in a Sanya hockey tournament taking place on December 28-31. Beach, Beers, and New Year’s. Click yes or no, please and thx!

Dec

2020

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 2 + 3

Hoooolly Ravioooooli, folks!

With all the last-minute schedule changes, random weeknight games, and reporters gone AWOL due to a few ecstacy-fueled halloween weekend benders, we’ve had to bust our humps down here at HQ to pump out the gnarly game action for our legions of rabid fans.

“Ho boy… yep… oh ya. Ohhhh ya. Now I’m feelin’ it”
“Really? I still got nothin’ over here …wait… when did we leave my office?”

Lucky for you we’re cranking it out in time for the morning commute, so get a good grip on that metro pole (pole grip runs in your blood, just ask yer ma!) and get ready for a double serving of game action goodness! (yer genetically predispositioned fer that one too – so no need to warm up, lol)

“hmmm… that’s not very nice”

Admittedly, it didn’t help our productivity that everyone was glued to the tv screen, waiting on pins and needles to see how the results of a widely publicized and controversial election would turn out…

The Ivory Coast elections, of course. Crazy stuff, boys! Image 3 cheers for Democracy!!!

No time for shenanigans, though, let’s get into it:

Week 2 Action Oct 31st – Nov 5th

Shamrocks 8 vs. Eagles 2

The trick or treaters of the world weren’t the only ones in for a scare on Halloween night, as the Shamrocks took on the Eagles down at the Sanlin Sports Center

The Shamrocks came out with a vengeance after dropping their week 1 game and gave their loyal fans one hell of a treat. The Shammies tallied 8 goals from 8 different degens, achieving the rare feat known as “the octo-degenerate.”

Pictured Above: A man so inbred he can count to 8 on his left foot

The short-handed Seagulls – likely due to most of their team being off somewhere chasing candy instead of W’s – looked like they were auditioning for roles as a bunch of brainless Zombies in a cheap thriller with no happy ending, as they skated listlessly around the ice looking for brains… which sadly didn’t exist anywhere in the arena.

(Pictured Above: The SHC Exec)

A notable tally came from league legend and Shamrock of the game, ‘Diamond’ Dennis Larcombe. The weight and pressure of missing open nets for the past 40+years was lifted off his shoulders as ‘The Diamond’ came through with what would turn out to be a pivotal goal in a game that no one gave a shit about.

Coal + Pressure + Time = Dennis

As a bonus, the crowd got to witness the SHC’s very own last of the Mo-Sweden’s. This near extinct breed is rarely seen in Shanghai since the recent plague has ravaged their numbers within the SHC. To show they are still here, hidden in the shadows of Midsömmer, Rikard “Man Bun” Ivner tickled the twine in the late ticks of the game to put the final nail in the Eagles coffin.

Karl “Clap-back” Kullerback, led both teams in shot attempts with 37. All of which “clapped back” out of the zone after missing the net high and wide.

Fog Devils 3 vs. Capitalists 1

@Hans von Meister 開幕2連勝中のFog Devilsは初戦勝利のCapitalistsを撃破し3連勝を飾る！Fogsは開始直後パックを霧の中に放り込んで試合は始まった。現在Top スコアラーJared Scotchmerが先制点をあげ、今日のチームMVP Bill Longstreetが自ら道を開きゴールポストを鳴らすスーパーゴールを決めた！更にJared Scotchmerがダメ押しの3点目を決める。又、Fog Devilsディフェンス陣はパーフェクトな仕事でCapitalistの仕事を止め、彼らの投資を失敗させた！もうFog Devilsは誰にも止められない！

Pictured Above – The Japanese DICK responsible for this submission (…don’t even pretend that you don’t get this joke, you Porn-addicted savage)

Shamrocks 4 vs. Manhunters 1

In a reversal of roles, the Manhunters became the hunted as the Shamrocks aimed to seek and destroy during their second appearance of week 2 action.

The Manhunters jumped out to an early lead when Upper Deck top prospect, Jeff “竜巻旋風脚” HruuHaiitSeppuburikyaku, ripped a one-timer from the high slot. On an interesting side note, through some investigative reporting the SHC brass recently discovered that the pronunciation of Jeff’s last name is merely the phonetic equivalent of the hurricane kick from Street Fighter II:

Pictured Above: Hurricane Kick Hritzuk

With the state of affairs being what they were, the Shammies doubled their investments into the safest bet on the market – DIAMONDS. ‘Diamond’ Dennis Lacombe’s stock’s rising steadily this winter. His 2 apples on the night doubled his career point total in just the past two games!

(Editor’s Note: For all of you fantasy leaguers out there needing to dump some of that first round dead weight *Cough*Riley*Cough*, time to go all in on this ‘Diamond’ in the rough)

The Shamrocks’ Canadian line up front proved to be too much on this night as all four of their tallies came from the red and white contingent. Team captain, Michael “Danky ballsh” Walsh dropped trou 3 times in the win with wily veteran Tony “it’s not a toomah” Azuma adding a single, the eventual game winner.

Ice 3 vs. Giants 1

Thursday night brought us the first meeting between the Ice; a group of scrappy, upstanding gentlemen who just love the game of hockey, and the Giants; a group of questionable degenerates lead by 90’s Pantene Pro-V commercial mainstays, Sander Vanmuppet and his partner-4-life, Ivan “where you from, Just askin’?” Tchekashkin.

(Editor’s Note: Prrrretty sure that’s the Namibian flag. Nobody really knows for sure tho)

The scoring was opened on a b-e-a-utiful solo effort by the Ice’s charismatic leader Alex “Spotless Record, Flawless Character” Gale who continues to be a stalwart example of class and sportsmanship to the hockey community at large…

(Pictured Above: The Grating White Trash Nature of Alex Gale Beautifully Symbolized)

The game was tied up rather quickly, however, when the Giants’ Tiger “Le Tigre” Tigersson escaped the zoo and answered with his own solo tally by burying one top cheese Louise.

Some scrappy mid-ice play from the real-life Looney Toon, Wiley-Coyote Krapft and star of the upcoming Chinese iteration of High-School Musical, David Lin prompted momentary indecision by the Giants, which allowed perennial yeller and one of the leagues angriest men, Victor “Leather Shoey” Mui to take a pass from everybody’s weird Auntie’s favourite player, Jimmy “Boudoir” Burgess and break in off the wing where he made no mistake popping his cherry with his first goal of the year.

Special mention to the Ice’s barely Russian-sounding, Ivanionov Orlovazlov who picked up a second-assist and his first point of the year.

“You can’t spell ‘lol’ without Orlov”

The game was put out of reach by Andre Denomme in the second half when he pulled some moves out of his back pocket that had the crowd in awe. It was an all-around solid team win for the Ice who are looking like a force to be reckoned with here in the SHC.

Pictured Above: The Shanghai Ice

Week 3 Action Nov 7th – 8th

Ice 5 vs. Capitalists 2

*what follows is an edited first draft write-up from 17-year old league member and prodigy child, David Lin. The SHC’s retained English teacher gave it a once over, so here’s hoping you learn a thing or two, Davey.*

(Kid’s got potential. Tap and zoom to see more. Leave your own edits in the comments, ya beaut!)

Manhunters 1 vs. Eagles 2
Well well well, the Eagles picked up their first win of the season!

Fog Devils 5 vs. Ice 4

Sunday night witnessed two of the most exciting games in the annals of the Shanghai Hockey Club. In the first match-up of this historic night, the Fog Devils battled fiercly with the Shanghai Ice. A true David vs Goliath match-up pitted seven valiant heroes in red against an innumerable throng of purple jerseys.

(Lol, no actually… But yes.)

Historians have conflicting reports of what exactly transpired, but unanimously agree that ninja warrior Kazuhito “Bushido Blade” Matsuda put the team on his back, firing in a glorious GWG in the waning minutes of the game as hordes of Ice swarmed, clawing for a piece of his samurai essence.

(If I had to choose, I’d say his essence was ‘Lavender’)

Bill “Pointy Elbows” Longstreet kept the enemy at bay with his ferocity while Josef “Wine & Curry” Natour dropped apples like Johnny. In what will surely be a tale passed down for generations, light triumphed against darkness… Also Alex and Sky scored some goals.

Shamrocks 3 vs. Giants 0

The Shamrocks made it 3 in a row Sunday night with their 3-0 shutout victory over the Giants.

In a hard-fought battle, the Shamrocks proved to be too much for the Yeti-folk on the Giants. Chris “Giant Slayer” Im had a hell of a night as he was shimmying his way up and down the ice like an overly excited Jack on a big ol’ blatantly phallic beanstalk:

“I’ve got an addiction to the friction, baybeeehhhhhhh”

Im buried a beautiful tic-tac-toe play from the Last of the Mo-Sweden’s Ivner to give the Shamrocks the stranglehold they needed to cut the Giants down to size.

The hero of the day, however, was Shinji “Ninjesus” Nakatake:

Shinjesus left a bitter taste in the Giants’ mouth as he buried a lemon in a gaping cage to kickstart the scoring in the first frame. The wily veteran’s first goal of the year stood to be the deciding marker on the evening.

Speaking of bitter concoctions – get a load of this asshole’s goalie pants:

Sir Charles Rupert was steadfast behind his seemingly homemade armor as he and his masked compatriot, Sir Barry the Creaseless, stood tall in the combined shutout for the Shamrocks. Thankfully for Sir Charles, his capacity to mind the iron cage is far mightier than his capacity to tuck a shirt…

(Editor’s Note: Brutal. Just gross. If this post gets flagged by the authorities, this hideous tuck will be the reason)

The fairytale ending was capped off by the elemental man, himself, Rock ‘Paper Scissors’ Sun when he received a delicious piping hot pizza up the middle from Giant’s defender, Shane “great fuckin’ speech” Anderson. With his 3rd goal in as many games, the Rock-solid D-man cast the final stone of the night, so to speak.

(Pictured Above: Anderson Ironically Delivering an Inspired Mid-game Speech to his Teammates about how He’s going to Stop Sendin’ the Free Delivery up the Middle and Start Bringin’ the Digiorno)

Well that’s all she wrote, folks. Stay tuned and don’t forget to follow the SinBin for all the juicy notifications you need to get instant access to beer league newz n’ viewz you can surely uze. In the meantime, keep your stick on the ice!

Like, Share, and just Ssssend it bud.

Dec

2020

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 1

Man Alive! Whatta Barn-burner, Folks!

You probably had to be down at ol’ faithful Feiyang to believe it, but this weekend’s games had so many broken plays, stupid penalties, and unprovoked instances of teammate bashing that everyone in the rink just started crying tears of happy joy now that everything was seemingly back to normal in the SHC – it really was a sentimental affair. We even got swept up in the positive emotions and decided to join forces with Kevin “Teeny Weenie” Martini’s beloved clothing franchise to share some space at his flagship store.

“I can’t see this coming back to haunt us whatsoever!”
“nah, me either!”

It should be noted, however, that die-hard fans noticed immediately that something seemed… well… less Swedish… about the level of talent in the SHC this year, and they had all kinds of theories as to why. Some pointed to Covid as the main reason we’re fresh out of blonde beauties on the top lines, so we did some testing just to be sure:

“Nah, this is all totally normal, you guys”

Admittedly, the most intriguing theory as to why so many of our beautiful Swedish man-rockets disappeared during the 8-month off-season was hinted to us via an anonymous photo we received in the mail room:

But all joking aside, folks, we haven’t seen that strong of a season opener since Stephen “The Faux Fashionista” Dyer decided to kick off his fall line of signature knock-off luxury goods last month down here at the Veiny Tiger shopping mall.

“DYOR… for men of sophistication… who also have no money”

But enough with the capitalist mumbo jumbo (more on that later, coincidentally). Let’s get into it, shall we?

Shamrocks 3 vs. Fog Devils 5

*directly translated from the original Spanish*

The Fog Devils came out of the gates firmly, which promises to be a season of good Hockey. They delivering on the court intensity, creativity and sense of equipment matching strongly. Jarard Scotchmerssön opened the scoring, and soon after 3rd round pick, Yosef, scored the second point; Shamrocks was beginning to understand why the grass withered before the fire! They say “more does the Devil know by old man, than by Diablo,” and Fog Devils understands it very well (editor’s note: whatever the heaven-sent fuck that means).

The accumulated experience of mature players served as a lusty catapult for completely new players like “Hellfire” Styrefors to score on their first night on the ice, and for “Total Recall” Rico to fulfill his dream of participating in his first organized hockey game of his life.

In the second half, the great Newly the Prey Animal decided it was time to graze and closed the night with two goals that made Shamrocks leave the rink with nothing but foggy mist between his gloves.

(He does look like a bit of a lamb, if lambs had 2% body fat)

Shanghai Ice 3 vs. Manhunters 1

The opening night of the SHC 2020 season also saw an exciting game between the Ice and the Manhunters. Rocking a ten that was tighter than your average European man’s pants, the Ice came out flying with delicious Russian heartthrob “Peanut Butter n’ Jam-il” and ice-cold, French-Canadian snowball, Andre Denomme “Déneigé” picking up some frosty scoring chances.

Pictured above: the losing team

There were good opportunities at both ends of the rink, but some amazing saves from Brett “The Hitless” Syer and Barry Roe – a man whose head looks oddly similar to the fish eggs he is so aptly named after – kept the game scoreless throughout the first.

“I dare you to say that again”

The Ice jumped out to a quick lead in the second period, however, when new captain and established douchebag, Alex Gale, ripped a slapshot from the point harder than the crotch seams of the euro-cut skinny jeans he wears under his gear. Gale’s second goal of the evening came shortly after on another beautifully placed slapshot that whipped over Syer’s shoulder so fast he is now permanently bald.

The Manhunters did not go down without a fight, though. Keeping the slapshot theme alive, Jeffrey Alladin Hritzuk (not a nickname – his mother just loves Disney movies, people) let one loose from just inside the blueline. The game could have gone either way at this point as players from both teams were whipping around the rink trying to score like it was 4am at Found. Luckily for the Ice, Sky “High” Hou, the youngest man legally allowed to join the league thanks to Shane’s checkered background, broke free on a breakaway and executed it perfectly, potting the 3rd and final goal for the team in purple. Game… Blouses.

Giants 2 vs. Fog Devils 3

*directly translated from the original Swedish*

The Fog Devils played the second game of their season-opening back-to-back on Sunday night. With only 9 men, the FDs took an early lead and managed to keep the opponents away. Though nobody knows how, exactly…

History doesn’t remember the losers, but they were definitely the whites on this night… The Red team’s certified stud was Newly, who did everything right on the ice and was rewarded with eternal youth. The red machine continues to trundle into the mine. So, put on a headlamp and join the devil’s Shangley train.

*From Hans – insert reference to heavy metal band Slayer*

Capitalists 6 vs. Eagles 3

The stars shone bright in the usually acidic skies of Pudong Sunday night as the game everyone was actually waiting for on opening weekend kicked off. The Capitalists and Eagles made their season debuts with easily the most screaming fans in attendance. Never mind that they were paid, no one minds paying for fake screams in the SHC…

“Wait… I don’t get it. Is he alluding to paid professional wailers at traditional Chinese funerals?”

“Yeah… I think so”

The score opened half way through the first with the Eagles bouncing one in past Casey “I’m here to drink Beer” Westeryeast, who otherwise played pretty solid for having such a liquid diet. Not to be outdone, the Caps decided to give offense a try, cycling the puck back to forwards learning how to play D when Swedish All-Star and “Sexiest Man in Asia 2017” Freddy Nyquist pulled himself out of the game after the first shift due to a nagging injury. David “I Actually Have 3 names” Gonzalez let one go from the point, a new position for the man who usually parks himself in front of the net, that was tipped by Super Boomi himself to tie the game. Though initially the goal was credited to Gonzalez, luckily Boomi has more cameras at the game than the NHL hockey ops centre on HNIC, and he picked up the gino.

The boys struck again when Yuzo “Yakuzo” Yamada let one go from the point. During the second half, Sebasstian “Whoo Needs aa Shiirt” Schaafsma realized he too was on camera and was finally going to play. After going coast to coast not once, not twice, but 3 fuggin’ toimes, burying a hat trick of beauty goals each more so than the last, the kid was tuckered out from all the embellished celly’s .

(not a mistake that this is in here twice, folks)

The Eagles were not done, though. They mounted a pretty decent counter attack, notching a goal to make it 5-2. But the Caps poured it on with a late goal by Super Boomi, his second of the game. Then, as the final seconds ticked down, the Eagles made it respectable with a rebound goal off against a set of stacked pads constructed by Vitalli to end the game on a positive note.

Well, that’s all she wrote folks. See you animals next week. Get out there and vote in the meantime, you anti-maskin’ Yanks!

(The original anti-masker, for reference)

And can we all just take a quick second to acknowledge the fact that we had jerseys for the season opener puck drop in… well… since Faye took over Boar sports?

Sep

2017

SHC Extra: The Chiner Games (Summer League Finale)

The Chiner Games

September 22nd, 2017

Well folks, it’s been an historic week for hockey in China, let alone Shanghai. We here down at the offices of the SHC have been taking on so many calls that the switchboard blew the fuse!

(We really need to move out of Barry Roe’s spare bathroom… AND change the goddam litter)

And, you know, it’s no wonder the fans have been so amped…

Nooooooo, not for THAT, ya friggen’ beaut! I’m talking about the Summer league finals, of course!!!

(The only place in town where the beer never seems to run out)

Friday night saw a max capacity crowd down at “do the Fandango” Feiyang as the fans flooded into the bleachers ready to rock a bottle night and show their support for the SHC boys of summer. As a matter of fact, an article in the Globe and Mail recently pointed out the disappointment many were feeling after the clueless sports community in Shanghai couldn’t muster up the advertising power to fill the Mercedes Benz Arena. But let’s just go ahead and face the facts, folks: the vast majority of hockey lovers in Shanghai were saving their strength for the Friday night SHC summer showcase. The first 7 Diehard fans into the arena even received a limited series of “Legendary Dickheads of the SHC” hockey cards to give out to the young fans who were in attendance!

(Editor’s Note: LOOK CLOSER, YA BLIND BASTARD!)

eager child in the stands #1: “I’ll trade you 2 Mark Simon’s for 4 Connor McDadpants’”

eager child #2: “No friggen’ way, ya duster! He’s getting inducted into the Chiner Beerhall of fame!”

eager child #3: “Shane Gretzky’s the all-toime league leader in chirps, this’ll be worth something some day!”

GAME ACTION

By the time the puck dropped the crowd was roaring in a drunken frenzy as The Nightriders and The Bank came out flying. First half action saw The Bank go up early as “boom shakalaka” Nakata potted a dinger. Soon afterwards the crowd was on their feet as the usually disinterested Kita San seemed to reach an epiphany and decide that playing for the SHC was about winning, not just his lucrative contract. The crowd roared as he drove hard into the corner, liquidated all his material assets, and busted his ass out into the slot for a sweet humdinger of a top corn beaut to extend his team’s lead to 2.

But it wasn’t long before the Nightrider’s Monsieur Magnan, the magnifique dique himself, creeped into the slot with a slow wind up and unleashed a furious Montreal-style tourtiere into the bottom corner past the noticeably distracted netminder, Karl the Kraut. “It was really unfair,” Karl said during the intermission,

“All I could smell was that delicious meat pie that horrible little French Canadian served up. You all know I’m diabetic!”

With the score cut in half, the Bank decided it was time to unleash some home-cookin’ heat of their own. All the players seemed to pick up the pace and start contributing, but the real money shot came at the behest of “Casting Couch” Tim Cocchi, (who is rumoured to have postponed his lucrative film shoot for the evening) who scored a beauty shorty for his first of two goals in the game. “Well yeah, ya know,” Cocchi commented,

“Stuey’s been a pretty lazy bastard all summer long, and I wasn’t expecting much since he just signed that 3-year deal with Whately. Ya know, most players take it easy after somethin’ like that. So it was good to see that that outdoor music festival lit a fire under his ass and got him passing the puck for once.”

Budding business partners, “Burning Man” Stu Chan and “Shapely” Matt Whately, connected on the final play to deposit some more foreign currency into the Nightriders’ net in what would eventually end in a 5-1 victory for the banker boys in black.

(Eh, Nightriders, where’s all your A players?)

The SHC would like to thank every single person who forced themselves to eat at least one slice of the mountain of Melrose’s pizza we ordered – you’re the real MVPs. The P is for Primate, you friggen’ animals. See you all soon… Winter is Coming. In the meantime – Keep your stick on the ice!

(Editor’s Note: Would you look at these two sweethearts. 4 years in a row on the same team, going on 5; I wish I had a relationship like that)

Sep

2017

SHC Extra: Season Primer

Here we go again, Folks!

Playoffs Recap

Last season we spent the whole year down at ol’ Feiyang reporting on the game action as it unfolded, and there were a few doozies – that goes without saying. But the road to the 2017 Shangley Cup? I don’t think we here at the offices of the SHC have ever seen anything quite as intense.

Except for that time Brett “The Hitman Shart” Syer broke two goalie sticks in a row over the crossbar at a Monday shinny

Let’s do a quick recap of the playoff action for those of you who might’ve missed it: on April 8th, the year of our Lord, 2017, Both semi-final B League games went to OT, with both being decided in a shootout. And if that wasn’t enough excitement for one night, both semi-final A League games were 2-1 battles that could’ve gone either way.

So when the dust settled and Big Bad Barry Duke’s Ice Cocks squad squared up against Swizzle dick Fitz’s Bureau Chiefs for the B League battle royale, and the Slovakian-led Dirty Blues boys faced off against Boston Dan’s Binqiu Beardogs for the A League Melee, we already knew we’d be in for two historic epics that would make for one hell of a Shangley Cup Final.

We waited with bated breath for another week to see how things would unfold, and on April 15th We. Weren’t. Disappointed.

(Editor’s Note: This photo will never not make me smile)

Nobody in either locker room was ready for the electric atmosphere that was buzzing through the arena before the first matchup up the evening. Admittedly, most of the players were probably accustomed to the sparse crowds of the regular season and had likely resigned themselves to the usual cluster of passive-aggressive wives and girlfriends.

“No worries, babe, it’s soooo totally cool that I’m still here at 3:45am. No! Serrrriously, keep crushing Budweisers with your little hockey friends. I’ll waaaaiiiiiiiit” *smiles, tilts head*

What followed were two back-to-back finals that went deep into OT, proving once and for all that winning the Shangley might be one of the most difficult feats in beer league history. A special shout out goes to “Rowdy” Rikard Ivner from the Dirty Blues and Stevie “Yer Preachin’ to the Choir” Dyer from the Ice Cocks for potting the greasy double-OT dingers that ended two beautiful clashes for the A and B finals, respectively.

And with that quick recap of the days of yesteryear, we turn the page to the newest chapter in SHC history – The kickoff of the 2017-2018 season.

The Draft Party

Wow, I mean just wow, folks. When the organizers of this event called us in at the last minute to report on the party, we never would’ve imagined that the boys from the caverns underneath Feiyang could clean up so well.

Well, everyone except for this mouth-breathing prey animal

The night kicked off with a roast of the captain and exec squad from returning MC, Shane “if the women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy” Anderson. But the REAL entertainment began when the Kunlun Red Star Cheerleader squad hit the stage to spice things up a bit.

Editor’s Note: Look, I’m not sayin’ there’s a special category of videos out there that use these same generic cheerleader uniforms, I’m just sayin’ mayyyybe I’ve hovered over a few thumbnail previews that start just like this. Not sayin’, just sayin’.

After a seemingly endless onslaught of doughy beer leaguers trying – and failing – to get these beauties’ Wechats, the frustrated cluster of human cheer transformed into a giant, interlocking cartwheel and just rolled the hell on outta the place.

(Pictured Above: Tim “Casting Couch” Cocchi looks on, dumbfounded at the cheerleader mega-cartwheel)

(Also Pictured Above: Tim learning what it means to wear a green hat in China)

When it was all said and done, and after the siren song of the cheerleaders had worn off, events played out the way they usually do at the draft party:

(No context required)

All told, the evening was a magical confluence of budding rivalries and creepy advances on disinterested Chinese models – so we’ll chalk that up to yet another win in the annals of SHC history!

Stay safe out there, see you in October, and keep your stick on the ice!

May

2017

SHC Extra: “Da Beer League Beauty” Awards

Well folks,

It’s that time of year again! Yep, you guessed it – time to reveal your favourite beer league legends who will be takin’ home the hardware for this year’s annual “Da Beer League Beauty Awards“. You see, every year we try our best to keep track of the half-in-the-bag madness that transpires down at fantastic ol’ Feiyang figure skating arena. And since this year played witness to one of the most competitive leagues we’ve had in well… to borrow the words from league historian, Brian ‘Da Prick’ Olrich, “Forever,” keeping track of all the great games and on-ice heroics was difficult, to say the least.

But, and this is a BIG BUTT, Da Beer League Beauty Awards are about something more than the scoresheets and championship trophy winners. That’s right, folks, these awards aren’t about talent. No no – these awards are about what happens between the (game) sheets, so to speak.

Read on to learn more about “Da Beer League Beauty Awards“ and to meet this year’s recipients!

“The Limp Stick Award”

Introduction: Awarded annually to the player with the worst shot in the league. This player can barely get it up on the best of nights, let alone after a few Tsingtaos.

颁发给每年在比赛中打得最糟糕的球员。他甚至不能够在最精彩的夜晚兴奋起来有所表现，只是几瓶啤酒下肚独自待在一边。

This year’s recipient: Joe Seavey, EC (a two-way tie for the limpest of them all)

“The Drunken Philosopher Award”

a.k.a. The “Aristotelian Asshole”

Introduction: Awarded annually to the player who spends more time arguing about missed calls/undeserved penalties than he does playing the actual game. This player usually runs out the clock in a straight-time scenario in pursuit of moral justice, often with tragic outcomes.

颁发给每年花在争论漏罚错罚上的时间，比他真正自己打球时间还多的球员。他通常带着一身正义去与别人理论，最后却无功而返。

This year’s recipient: Max Wendelin, Brian Pippard, or Mike Custard (The Fever)

“The James Bond Award”

Introduction: Awarded annually to the player who wears way too much f@&$in’ Gucci gear on the ice (white skates/gloves, helmet cams, patterned stick tape, darkened visors, reflective helmet, etc.). This player is ready for anything: sophisticated dangles, precision sniping, stopping terrorist plots, or using his intrigue to beguile your wife up in the stands.

颁发给每年最爱穿Gucci套装的球员（白色的冰鞋／手套／头盔，球杆上花色的胶带，深色的面罩，闪瞎眼的头盔等等）。他已经为将来发生的任何事情做好准备了：深谋远虑地控球，精准地射门，阻止恐怖袭击，或者，运用他的“阴谋诡计”勾搭你家的娇妻。

This year’s recipient: Hide (silent but deadly/sexy)

“The Drunken Zamboni Award”

Introduction: Awarded annually to the player that spends more time floundering on the ice than they do standing. This could be due to skill level or alcoholism, nobody can ever tell.

颁发给年度最“勤奋”球员。他在冰上趴着的时间比站着的时间还长，也许是因为水平问题或者醉酒吧……谁也不知道到底他为什么会这样。

This year’s recipient(s): Fran, EC, Midori

“The Beer League Bruiser Award”

a.k.a. The “Gongshow Gladiator”

Introduction: Awarded annually to the idiot with the most penalty minutes (anger issues) in a f@&king beer league.

颁发给每年在非正式比赛中获得判罚次数最多的笨蛋

This year’s recipient: Billy “Shortbus” Longstreet

“The Beer Grinch Award”

a.k.a. The “Buddy F@&ker”

Introduction: Awarded annually to the player who openly and shamelessly snags 3-4 ice-cold beers out of the team bin, but never has the fu*#ing camaraderie to refill it. This is also the same person who always asks “hey, got any tape?” then goes on to use half your roll. This piece of trash can also be found on the bench between shifts, drinking everybody else’s water because he “forgot his at home.” F@*k you, buddy f@#ker!

颁给每年正大光明厚颜无耻地从球队的冰桶里拿走三四支冰啤，却从来没有半点儿友爱之心在那之后将冰桶重新装满。同时，他也会向你借烟，然后吸掉你大半支才还回来。这种渣渣也通常出现在休息区的长凳之间，以自己忘记带水为借口肆无忌惮地喝别人瓶子里的水。滚吧，混蛋！

This year’s recipient: Mark Cobbet (we know your beer fridge up in Beijing is full of SHC goodness, you duster!)

“The FYL Award”

Introduction: Given annually to the player who regales the locker room with stories of sexual conquest and general debauchery. This could also be somebody who has a perfectly chiseled set of washboard abs, or somebody who’s constantly talking about their sweet job, or even their happy home life and beautiful children. Irrespective of their intentions, this piece of shit unwittingly sends his or her married teammates into a sombre downward spiral of envy, self-pity, and life regrets. There’s nothing wrong with this player on a personal level, but his lifestyle prompts hatred for living a life his teammates simply cannot… or do not.
颁发给每年在更衣室里制造香艳事件，使得那些已婚队友产生嫉妒之心，并使他们对自我人生产生怀疑的球员。在个人角度看来，这位球员并无过错，但他的生活方式在那些无法象他一样风流的队员之间激起了“公愤”。

This year’s recipient: J-Fit

“The Legacy Award”

Every once in a while we here in the SHC are blessed with the presence of a ‘character’ who, rightly or wrongly, leaves an impression on the community that will never be forgotten. This could be through locker room talk, on-ice antics, or even leading the charge late into the night at everyone’s favourite KTV. In some cases this award can be given to players who go above and beyond what is reasonably expected of them in order to help the league operate smoothly through the fall and summer seasons. This year’s newest award comes in the form of a trophy that will honour members of the SHC who are leaving China (for any of a myriad of reasons) and will undoubtedly leave us with a slew of painful, stinging memories that burn our collective urethras every time we think of them. Thank you for making this league what it is, you glorious bastards.

Slaney – Straight off the bat we got this prick. One of the longest-serving members of the Club today, “Dimebag” Darryl Slaney came to us fresh out of a Toronto reform school for “gifted” children. In a twist of irony, Devious Darryl landed a job teaching children how to read and write (back when teaching English in China wasn’t something you were ashamed to admit was your occupation). Lo and behold, this troglodyte’s propensity for eating his students’ glue sticks was matched by his propensity for scoring clutch goals and face-washing the hell outta anybody who had the nerve to stand in front of his net after the whistle.

A renowned character and top pick for every rep team or social event in the works, the Disreputable Darryl was usually there to stand up for his boys whenever they were in a jam on the ice, but was always there to connect the wider community after he settled down and raised a family. His efforts behind the scenes helping to organize family events and bringing everyone together will be greatly missed. Anybody who played with him will always remember him as the guy who reminds you why being on a team is so fun, and as the guy who loves his family more than anything. This league will be a hell of a lot quieter without him – and that’s not a good thing – we’ll miss your voice, Slane-dawg millionaire.

JP – Let’s talk about this goddam beauty for a couple of minutes. Question #1, does anybody even know how old JP is? Probably not. Why? Because once you find out he kills you and drains your life force in order to maintain his youthful appearance. As nobody truly knows how long JP’s been in the league, one can only assume that he’s moving on to greener pastures and a new beer league in some obscure country where nobody will recognize his angular features.

All highlander jokes aside, JP has been involved in this league for longer than we can even remember. He’s been a captain, ref, scorekeeper, exec, and even a puck bunny when the KHL came to town. When you add it all up, you’re left with the sum of a great career and a tremendous impact on the SHC that many of us will never even have a chance to emulate. We’re going to miss your poutine musk, you age-defying beauty.

BO – It’s hard to know where to begin with this bastard. If you don’t already know who Brian Olrich is, then you probably don’t play beer league in China. This guy is more than just a cornerstone of the Shanghai hockey community, he’s one of the original founders of the league itself. He’s seen more seasons of hockey than Don Cherry, and coincidentally is one of the only people alive who could don a ridiculously patterned suit and continue the Coaches Corner segment on CBC without anybody ever knowing the difference between the two.

He’s the master of the skate sharpening machine, the crafter of the Shangley cup, and the creator of more off-ice parties than any other three players combined. This gnarly old ginger has done more for this league than can be written about in a single article – you can’t really do him justice with the written word.

Just know that this sonofabitch gave everything he could to this league and never asked for a damn thing in return. He established the spirit of the SHC, and it’s the least we can do to continue to do what we can, when we can, without expecting anything other than good party attendance at a backyard BBQ.

You set a good example for the next generation of miscreants, BO. Good luck back home, and thank you for everything you’ve given – because it was a lot.

Hans – Choo CHOOOOOOO, all aboard the feelings train, folks! This grinning sonofabitch’s laugh is something that will stay with the lucky few of us for the rest of our lives. If you didn’t have the pleasure of meeting Hansel (so hot right now), then you missed out on the best part of being a member of the SHC. Hans’ self-styled jock haute couture ensemble is something of legend around the locker room. A petty few have tried to copy his look of hacking’ darts in the bathroom with nothing else but a cold beer and a yellow jockstrap, but it’s always fallen short of the original trend setter.

Hansy’s genuinely welcoming demeanour made the SHC a place where anybody could come to play and feel at home. He was a regular at shinnies and constantly bridged the gap between the Chinese players and the English. He captained the longest running franchise, The Fog Devils, and did more for the league as a non-exec than most of us on the exec care to admit. You know, when you go abroad and play hockey in random places around the world, you can only hope you run into somebody who reminds you of your best friends back home, somebody who you know full on well understands what it means to immerse yourself in the afterglow of a well-fought game by spending three hours crushing beers and chirping the weirdo foreign guys. And in Hans, we had just that. He was a communicator, a mentor, a captain, a coach, and an irreplaceable figure in this community’s ever-shifting landscape. We’re going to miss you Hans – you’ll always be the cup to our strap.

Martini – Ho Jesus, folks. Kevin Martini, a.k.a. Teeny Weeny Martini, is one of the unspoken heroes of this league. For years this beauty sported a ginger mullet that was nothing short of extraordinary, and it was all we could do not to just marvel and revel in its shadow – its majesty. Kev stepped into an exec role when the chips were down and pulled off something only a man with a the confidence to pull of that hairdo could – a complete turn around with our public relations. Some say it was his service in the American Army that trained him to be so gosh darn efficient, others maintain that it was his aloofness and inability to give a damn about anything beyond the next pay check. At any rate, his cheerfulness and camaraderie was something you can’t buy, something that we’re going to lack without him. Kev made this league better for everybody, both on and off the ice. We wish you luck, Martini. And keep those campfires burning brightly.