SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 5

Man Alive… It’s week 5, folks!!

This weekend saw some heavy pushback from a few clubs looking to break away from the lightweight division and gain some ground on the quarter-season heavyweights. We here in the offices down at the Veiny Tiger knew it was going to be a passion-infused battleground over at Feiyang due to a few hyped-up posts we caught while creeping combing through some league members’ social media (more on that later). So to help capture the mood for this one, go ahead and listen to that song below while you take in this week’s intense summary action. (Editor’s Note: It’s a song from Hansy’s playlist at his black metal bar, Inferno, so if you’re easily offended by violence – viewer beware)  

A blood-thirsty anthem from start to end, from the twisted mind of the harvester of carnage himself:

(Thanks, Kitten )

Hokay, time to make the donuts. Let’s get into it, shall we?  


SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 21st

Giants 4 vs. Capitalists 1

The first game of the weekend kicked off with a bang, and by bang I mean a filthy short-handed goal by the Giants’ Ivan “The Tinder Terror” Tchekaskin. This was a good omen, as rumor on the streets said nobody was sure how the Giants would fare without their 2nd and 3rd-round draft picks in the lineup. Aka, the conjoined mutant from Belgianada named Shandermuelen. However, the fans were in for a treat as they learned right quick why the Giants swiped right on “I eat Asschkin” Tchekaskin in the first round. 

After ripping a natttie hattie on a blitzed Barry Roe Jogan, Ivan left the rest of the work to the Giants’ shut-down players, Kohei the Khost-faced Killah, Le Tigre, and Jerry “Goddang” Pang. Aka, the K-pop line:

Pictured Above: Kohei, Tiger and Jerry when they played for the Dongbei Dinos, the Giants’ junior team affiliate

If that wasn’t enough for one for game, the crowd was treated to the cherry on top when Czech newcomer and Jan Velich surrogate, Jan “I don’t think you’re ready for this Jelly” Jelinek unleashed the top cheese beast with a nice snapper from inside the blue line. Whatta tilt!

(Editor’s Note: Jan but not Forgotten)


Fog Devils 1 vs. Eagles 2

As the zamboni flooded the rink in preparation for Saturday night’s second game, the undefeated Fog Devils contemplated what strategy was needed to overcome the intimidating Steven Segales (SR Eagles). In the end they decided on starting the up-and-coming tender sensation, Michael “Angelo” Walsh (no, not the turtle you uncultured savage) in net for the whole game. Insulted yet grateful for the opportunity to have Barry Death Roe Recordsbacking them between the pipes for consecutive periods, the Eagles took to the ice brimming with confidence (while ignoring most bookmaker’s over-under odds for SOG)

“Mich-ael Walsh is a Par-ty Dude”

The illusion of confidence was quickly shattered by the actual confidence inherent in Hans von Beaster‘s moustache when the big man sniped his 4th of the season. However, his offensive prowess wasn’t enough to stop Patrick “who needs a wrist shot anyway?” Yardley from sneaking one in past a screened goaltender on a backhander from the slot. 

(Editor’s Note: If you’re not down with “My Pet Monster” we can’t be friends)

With the game tied at 1, both teams refused to back down. Tempers flared, elbows flew, plugs chirped, all while sticks rose higher and higher. On an ensuing power play, Eagles big-man, Andrea “Pipe and a Crepe-az” seized the moment as he did what he does best and laid down the syrupy goodness, sweet-talking his way past two defensemen to receive a cross-crease pass and banging home the PPG.

The Fog Devils remained steadfast in their efforts but were no match for Roe Jogan and the Eagle’s defensive core. Despite an onslaught of shots until the final whistle, the Eagles held on to the lead for their second win of the season.

“Have you guys ever tried DMT?”


SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 22nd 

Shamrocks 7 vs. Ice 5

In a game that resembled the Average Joe’s vs. the Purple Cobras, the only winners in this dodgeball match were the goalies – as they refused to get hit on a goal-filled Sunday night. 

Pictured Above: Casey, probably

 

The Ice struck first, with no mercy, as Alex “Body of Milk” Gale eagerly tried to justify his sponsorship from the Dairy Farmers of Canada. Gale buried two cow patties top titty as the Ice jumped out to a commanding lead only 30 seconds into the game. Gale suckled the teat 2 more times on the night, milking an impressive 4 goals by the end.  

 

But a 7-5 game wouldn’t be summarized right if we didn’t take the time to beak the goaltenders a lil’ (for the first period at least). 

Just like that saucy minx you were about to ghost, the tenders were a bit late to the period. 

 

On the overly protected and sheltered side of things, Karl “Virgin? I’m not a virgin! You Take That Back1!!” KullerBack finally popped his cherry, tallying his first of the season. It was hard to say if Kully got a little bit carried away with all the raw emotion of his newfound manhood, as he spent the rest of the night zipping up and down the ice faster than a whore’s drawers. 

(Luckily He was Wearing Protection)

 

The “Ace of Basic front man himself, Rikard “Da Man Bun Mammoth” Ivner put on a Swedish pop anthem worthy performance. He was moving through the Ice defenders like a synth-pop queen who could “see the sign” from a mile away.  Ivner serenaded the star struck goaltenders for two, as the Shammies took the Double-ya. 

 

(Editor’s Note: Don’t even pretend for a second you actually needed that reference clip, ya old bastard!)

Rounding out the scoring for the Shamrocks were Walsh and Im. These two assholes combined for 4 goals and 0 class.


Capitalists 7 vs. Manhunters 5

To close out the weekend action, Sunday night lights shone down on two awful teams in the throws of two long-ass losing streaks.

It began with Matt “fuck you for whatever you’re gonna write here, Shane” Whately coughing a pizza up the middle to the Manhunters’ locker room treasure and shining star, Jeff Hritzuk to put the Manhunters up early. 

The Caps blasted back when recently-released-from-his-parole-time-spent-as-a-defenceman, power forward David “Gonzo” Gonzalez muscled straight to the net and greased it across the line. 

Then he did it again! 2-1 Caps! Just kiddin’ folks, lol – the ref lost sight of it and blew it dead! (Editor’s Note: Exciting, right!? We know Rob Leiske was excited, and it takes a LOT to get that man excited)

Look at that face. What does it take to get this man’s engine goin’? Check out a few of his moments and see for yourself!

(Ho Jesus, waitin’ on pins and needles for the next fuckin’ shot of adrenaline I get from this man’s feed)


Back and forth it went as it would between two teams playing with a lot of shame on the line. At the half it was 2-1 Capitalists, with Seb “The Flaaschma” Schaafsma scoring a such a beaut that you just have to go through the mafan of clicking on the video below to see it…

Treasure. That. is. what. you. aaaaaaare. You’re. our. shinin’. staaar” – Graydon Tullis, No. 20

After that fantastic bro-sassination by Tully at the top of the circle, Peter “I Never Sleep” Helenius had the puck for so long that we wondered if he actually fell asleep while playing.

The tit-for-tat game whipped the fans into such a frenzy that The Flaasch had no option but to turn it up a notch. The young buck took a page out of Hritzuk’s book and scored 5 goals, helping the Caps snap their losing streak.


Well folks, that’s all she wrote for week 5. Stay tuned to the Sin Bin and don’t forget to like and follow the official account for instant news and other random shit we’ll be throwing your way every now and again. 

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