Good news, puck heads! The votes are in and your new exec team has finally emerged from the dark crevices of Shanghai’s festering butthole. The sorry lot met up at The Camel Bar™ recently to discuss some ‘squad goals’ for next year. Though there were many high-priority items on the agenda, the majority of the time was spent arguing over what their respective nicknames were going to be. Just to keep you in the loop, and so that you can keep your kids 100 ft. away from these monsters at all times, here are some profiles for you to peruse:
Goalie Rep/Youth Wrestling Enthusiast: Barry “The Body” Roe – As we all know, getting a goalie on the exec committee was pretty important – more important than waiting for a criminal background check, apparently. If you ever need to find Barry, just go to your nearest dive bar and scan the shadows until you find a pair of beady eyes looking back at you from the darkness. Toss a piece of old durian at his feet and wait for him to eat it off the floor like an animal before approaching – dude’s a walking episode of the X-files.
Social/Events: Cole “Zangief” Paterson – A continual front-runner for the “Beer League Bruiser™” award, Coley bullied his way onto the exec committee by simply staring down the rest of the team until they gave him a spot at the table, and then their wallets. Though sometimes mistaken for a Sons of Anarchy cosplayer, don’t be fooled. Pitter-Paterson takes his caramel mocha lattes the same way he wears his jeans – skinny, effeminate, and stiffened with Cialis.
Resident Grouch: Kevin “Yes, that’s my real last name” Martini – Speaking of Cialis, this guy’s bloodstream is so saturated with male enhancement ‘medication’ that just being near him gets you off through osmosis – it’s like walking through a musty cloud of axe body spray that actually works. If you ever need to find him, you can always tell if he’s nearby by observing the male animal behaviour within a 3-mile radius. Conversely, you could just look for the nearest ginger.
Finance: James “T. Kirk/Jim/Bones” Scotti – It’s not normal that you get a guy in a leadership position that looks like the entire cast of the original Star Trek series rolled into one, but lo and behold, we got him. Charismatic, charming, and eager to use his physicality to deal with any situation, Scotti more or less showed up at the first meeting wearing nothing but his padded biking shorts and a Livestrong bracelet™. Yet, when he passionately took our finances into his burly arms, and boldly looked into the camera for his close-up, everyone swooned.
Referee Rep/Possible Highlander: Jean Pierre “It’s pronounced ‘Poo-TIN’, not ‘TEEN’” Grimard – The legend of J.P. is well known around the league. Nobody really knows how old he is, and some say that he’s been bouncing around beer leagues in major cities for the past 50 years in an attempt to conceal his immortal nature. His freakish athleticism is often said to be the result of the powers he gains whenever he cuts the head off of another beer league-lander. When asked about the recent disappearance of another suspected beer league-lander, Brian Wallace, he simply responded by saying “there can be only one” before shredding a mad-wicked air guitar solo.
Tech Guru/Human Air Horn/Marketing: Matt “I might not be attractive enough to steal your wife, but I sure can hack your wechat wallet!” Whately – Waitzy’s effort behind the scenes gives this league the thin veneer it needs in order to appear to be a reputable organization – much like his clothing provides him with the thin layer of camouflage he needs to blend into normal human civilization.
Communications: Shane “Just let me see it” Anderson – The last member on what reasonably ought to be a community watch-list, Anderson usually spends most of his time hanging out in the locker rooms, collecting ‘unpaid league fees’ from players’ wallets while they’re on the ice. He also takes it upon himself to collect ‘unclaimed’ rolls of shin pad tape, other team’s beers, and ‘expensive but lonely’ hockey sticks.
See you at the Draft Party!
