Article

Dec

2020

SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 5

Man Alive… It’s week 5, folks!!

This weekend saw some heavy pushback from a few clubs looking to break away from the lightweight division and gain some ground on the quarter-season heavyweights. We here in the offices down at the Veiny Tiger knew it was going to be a passion-infused battleground over at Feiyang due to a few hyped-up posts we caught while creeping combing through some league members’ social media (more on that later). So to help capture the mood for this one, go ahead and listen to that song below while you take in this week’s intense summary action. (Editor’s Note: It’s a song from Hansy’s playlist at his black metal bar, Inferno, so if you’re easily offended by violence – viewer beware)

A blood-thirsty anthem from start to end, from the twisted mind of the harvester of carnage himself:

(Thanks, Kitten )

Hokay, time to make the donuts. Let’s get into it, shall we?

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 21st

Giants 4 vs. Capitalists 1

The first game of the weekend kicked off with a bang, and by bang I mean a filthy short-handed goal by the Giants’ Ivan “The Tinder Terror” Tchekaskin. This was a good omen, as rumor on the streets said nobody was sure how the Giants would fare without their 2nd and 3rd-round draft picks in the lineup. Aka, the conjoined mutant from Belgianada named Shandermuelen. However, the fans were in for a treat as they learned right quick why the Giants swiped right on “I eat Asschkin” Tchekaskin in the first round.

After ripping a natttie hattie on a blitzed Barry Roe Jogan, Ivan left the rest of the work to the Giants’ shut-down players, Kohei the Khost-faced Killah, Le Tigre, and Jerry “Goddang” Pang. Aka, the K-pop line:

Pictured Above: Kohei, Tiger and Jerry when they played for the Dongbei Dinos, the Giants’ junior team affiliate

If that wasn’t enough for one for game, the crowd was treated to the cherry on top when Czech newcomer and Jan Velich surrogate, Jan “I don’t think you’re ready for this Jelly” Jelinek unleashed the top cheese beast with a nice snapper from inside the blue line. Whatta tilt!

(Editor’s Note: Jan but not Forgotten)

Fog Devils 1 vs. Eagles 2

As the zamboni flooded the rink in preparation for Saturday night’s second game, the undefeated Fog Devils contemplated what strategy was needed to overcome the intimidating Steven Segales (SR Eagles). In the end they decided on starting the up-and-coming tender sensation, Michael “Angelo” Walsh (no, not the turtle you uncultured savage) in net for the whole game. Insulted yet grateful for the opportunity to have Barry Death Roe Recordsbacking them between the pipes for consecutive periods, the Eagles took to the ice brimming with confidence (while ignoring most bookmaker’s over-under odds for SOG).

“Mich-ael Walsh is a Par-ty Dude”

The illusion of confidence was quickly shattered by the actual confidence inherent in Hans von Beaster‘s moustache when the big man sniped his 4th of the season. However, his offensive prowess wasn’t enough to stop Patrick “who needs a wrist shot anyway?” Yardley from sneaking one in past a screened goaltender on a backhander from the slot.

(Editor’s Note: If you’re not down with “My Pet Monster” we can’t be friends)

With the game tied at 1, both teams refused to back down. Tempers flared, elbows flew, plugs chirped, all while sticks rose higher and higher. On an ensuing power play, Eagles big-man, Andrea “Pipe and a Crepe-az” seized the moment as he did what he does best and laid down the syrupy goodness, sweet-talking his way past two defensemen to receive a cross-crease pass and banging home the PPG.

The Fog Devils remained steadfast in their efforts but were no match for Roe Jogan and the Eagle’s defensive core. Despite an onslaught of shots until the final whistle, the Eagles held on to the lead for their second win of the season.

“Have you guys ever tried DMT?”

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 22nd

Shamrocks 7 vs. Ice 5

In a game that resembled the Average Joe’s vs. the Purple Cobras, the only winners in this dodgeball match were the goalies – as they refused to get hit on a goal-filled Sunday night.

Pictured Above: Casey, probably

The Ice struck first, with no mercy, as Alex “Body of Milk” Gale eagerly tried to justify his sponsorship from the Dairy Farmers of Canada. Gale buried two cow patties top titty as the Ice jumped out to a commanding lead only 30 seconds into the game. Gale suckled the teat 2 more times on the night, milking an impressive 4 goals by the end.

But a 7-5 game wouldn’t be summarized right if we didn’t take the time to beak the goaltenders a lil’ (for the first period at least).

Just like that saucy minx you were about to ghost, the tenders were a bit late to the period.

On the overly protected and sheltered side of things, Karl “Virgin? I’m not a virgin! You Take That Back1!!” KullerBack finally popped his cherry, tallying his first of the season. It was hard to say if Kully got a little bit carried away with all the raw emotion of his newfound manhood, as he spent the rest of the night zipping up and down the ice faster than a whore’s drawers.

(Luckily He was Wearing Protection)

The “Ace of Basic“ front man himself, Rikard “Da Man Bun Mammoth” Ivner put on a Swedish pop anthem worthy performance. He was moving through the Ice defenders like a synth-pop queen who could “see the sign” from a mile away. Ivner serenaded the star struck goaltenders for two, as the Shammies took the Double-ya.

(Editor’s Note: Don’t even pretend for a second you actually needed that reference clip, ya old bastard!)

Rounding out the scoring for the Shamrocks were Walsh and Im. These two assholes combined for 4 goals and 0 class.

Capitalists 7 vs. Manhunters 5

To close out the weekend action, Sunday night lights shone down on two awful teams in the throws of two long-ass losing streaks.

It began with Matt “fuck you for whatever you’re gonna write here, Shane” Whately coughing a pizza up the middle to the Manhunters’ locker room treasure and shining star, Jeff Hritzuk to put the Manhunters up early.

The Caps blasted back when recently-released-from-his-parole-time-spent-as-a-defenceman, power forward David “Gonzo” Gonzalez muscled straight to the net and greased it across the line.

Then he did it again! 2-1 Caps! Just kiddin’ folks, lol – the ref lost sight of it and blew it dead! (Editor’s Note: Exciting, right!? We know Rob Leiske was excited, and it takes a LOT to get that man excited)

Look at that face. What does it take to get this man’s engine goin’? Check out a few of his moments and see for yourself!

(Ho Jesus, waitin’ on pins and needles for the next fuckin’ shot of adrenaline I get from this man’s feed)

Back and forth it went as it would between two teams playing with a lot of shame on the line. At the half it was 2-1 Capitalists, with Seb “The Flaaschma” Schaafsma scoring a such a beaut that you just have to go through the mafan of clicking on the video below to see it…

“Treasure. That. is. what. you. aaaaaaare. You’re. our. shinin’. staaar” – Graydon Tullis, No. 20

After that fantastic bro-sassination by Tully at the top of the circle, Peter “I Never Sleep” Helenius had the puck for so long that we wondered if he actually fell asleep while playing.

The tit-for-tat game whipped the fans into such a frenzy that The Flaasch had no option but to turn it up a notch. The young buck took a page out of Hritzuk’s book and scored 5 goals, helping the Caps snap their losing streak.

Well folks, that’s all she wrote for week 5. Stay tuned to the Sin Bin and don’t forget to like and follow the official account for instant news and other random shit we’ll be throwing your way every now and again.

Jul

2016

SHC Exec Committee Elected – Immediately Regrets Life Decisions

Good news, puck heads! The votes are in and your new exec team has finally emerged from the dark crevices of Shanghai’s festering butthole. The sorry lot met up at The Camel Bar™ recently to discuss some ‘squad goals’ for next year. Though there were many high-priority items on the agenda, the majority of the time was spent arguing over what their respective nicknames were going to be. Just to keep you in the loop, and so that you can keep your kids 100 ft. away from these monsters at all times, here are some profiles for you to peruse:

Goalie Rep/Youth Wrestling Enthusiast: Barry “The Body” Roe – As we all know, getting a goalie on the exec committee was pretty important – more important than waiting for a criminal background check, apparently. If you ever need to find Barry, just go to your nearest dive bar and scan the shadows until you find a pair of beady eyes looking back at you from the darkness. Toss a piece of old durian at his feet and wait for him to eat it off the floor like an animal before approaching – dude’s a walking episode of the X-files.

Social/Events: Cole “Zangief” Paterson – A continual front-runner for the “Beer League Bruiser™” award, Coley bullied his way onto the exec committee by simply staring down the rest of the team until they gave him a spot at the table, and then their wallets. Though sometimes mistaken for a Sons of Anarchy cosplayer, don’t be fooled. Pitter-Paterson takes his caramel mocha lattes the same way he wears his jeans – skinny, effeminate, and stiffened with Cialis.

Resident Grouch: Kevin “Yes, that’s my real last name” Martini – Speaking of Cialis, this guy’s bloodstream is so saturated with male enhancement ‘medication’ that just being near him gets you off through osmosis – it’s like walking through a musty cloud of axe body spray that actually works. If you ever need to find him, you can always tell if he’s nearby by observing the male animal behaviour within a 3-mile radius. Conversely, you could just look for the nearest ginger.

Finance: James “T. Kirk/Jim/Bones” Scotti – It’s not normal that you get a guy in a leadership position that looks like the entire cast of the original Star Trek series rolled into one, but lo and behold, we got him. Charismatic, charming, and eager to use his physicality to deal with any situation, Scotti more or less showed up at the first meeting wearing nothing but his padded biking shorts and a Livestrong bracelet™. Yet, when he passionately took our finances into his burly arms, and boldly looked into the camera for his close-up, everyone swooned.

Referee Rep/Possible Highlander: Jean Pierre “It’s pronounced ‘Poo-TIN’, not ‘TEEN’” Grimard – The legend of J.P. is well known around the league. Nobody really knows how old he is, and some say that he’s been bouncing around beer leagues in major cities for the past 50 years in an attempt to conceal his immortal nature. His freakish athleticism is often said to be the result of the powers he gains whenever he cuts the head off of another beer league-lander. When asked about the recent disappearance of another suspected beer league-lander, Brian Wallace, he simply responded by saying “there can be only one” before shredding a mad-wicked air guitar solo.

Tech Guru/Human Air Horn/Marketing: Matt “I might not be attractive enough to steal your wife, but I sure can hack your wechat wallet!” Whately – Waitzy’s effort behind the scenes gives this league the thin veneer it needs in order to appear to be a reputable organization – much like his clothing provides him with the thin layer of camouflage he needs to blend into normal human civilization.

Communications: Shane “Just let me see it” Anderson – The last member on what reasonably ought to be a community watch-list, Anderson usually spends most of his time hanging out in the locker rooms, collecting ‘unpaid league fees’ from players’ wallets while they’re on the ice. He also takes it upon himself to collect ‘unclaimed’ rolls of shin pad tape, other team’s beers, and ‘expensive but lonely’ hockey sticks.

See you at the Draft Party!

May

2016

Summer League Kicks Off

As you may have guessed from the general lack of updates after Finals Night, the SHC was busy getting just utterly toasted over the last few weeks. The Champion Ice Cocks (B Div) and Bulldogs (A Div) had especially long benders, and we still haven’t heard from Cocks Captain Barry Duke after he was last seen belting out ‘We Are The Champions’ on the roof of the Shanghai Tower. Not to be outdone, Bulldogs Captain Tyler Perro was at a loss when asked where the Shangley Cup was. Vegas odds currently place it at the bottom of the Huangpu River.

Despite all this, the SHC got its collective shit together and is kicking off Summer 2016 this weekend! May is summer, right? Sure. Why not.

This Summer will see 4 teams battle it out for the Shangley Chalice (Mini-Shangley was also in contention for the new Summer Trophy name). The long-standing Mixers are joined by the new franchises the Night Riders, Deadheads, and Bingqiu Bandits in a summer long battle to end the first week of September.

Ready for more? Grab a Tsingtao and get ready. Summer’s here, baby!

Oct

2015

SHC Kicks-Off Winter Season

The SHC launched into its 11th season with a new format, new enthusiasm and new excitement! All 6 Franchises took to the ice last Friday and Saturday nights with each one dispatching an A and a B team. Friday’s White vs. Yellow series got the weekend off to a rocking start with White’s Paper Tigers and APL sweeping the night against the Bulldogs and Puckhounds, inspiring many to come up with white-dominant nicknames for the Franchise. Some were funny and some weren’t. The other two Franchise battles ended in a split with Black’s Killer Pandas winning against the Dirty Blues while the (cleaner) Ducks got one back for their A brethren by defeating the Foo Dogs in B. The ‘Christmas Derby’ of Red vs. Green had B’s Hairy Crabs edging the IceCocks in the new 3-3 Overtime format while the Fog Devils crushed the Vikings to get one back for Red.

In the pee in the snow Franchise match-up, White got the better of Yellow in both the A and B games. First, the Paper Tigers toyed with the Bulldogs and snuck away with a 4-2 win getting, never letting the game get too dangerous until late in the 3rd period. In the B game, Always Picked Last
convincingly got past the Puckhounds 8-4 in a wild game of all-offense hockey.

Kicking off Saturday night, the Blue Franchise faced off with the Black Franchise. Dropping the puck at the new 7:45pm Saturday timeslot, the Killer Pandas capitalized on some Dirty Blues mistakes early and notched their first win of the season 7-4. On the B side of the Franchise matchup, Captain Ken powered his team to victory with a hard fought 4-2 win over the Foo Dogs.

Taking the late shift at bottle night, the Green Franchise faced off with the Red Franchise. The first game saw the defending Champion Fog Devils start their 11th season with a convincing 7-1 win over the Vikings. Despite the score, Vikings goaltender Rob Gray played phenomenally. In B, the spiffy Ice Cocks looked to rid themselves of Hairy Crabs, scoring a late tying goal to send the game to OT. However in overtime, 2014 MVP Mark Cobbett found the back of the net, giving the Crabs a 2-1 win.

The action, bottles, and babes continue this coming Friday and Saturday night!