Jesus, Mary and Judas, folks – week 7 was a doozy!
Pictured Above: Pizza Christ (R) and Jeff Goldstein (L)
Clearly, the excitement for the Christmas season down at ol’ Feiyang this past weekend was palpable. We were actually inundanted by the hundreds of riveting reports of game action and were even surprised to see a few adorable letters to Santa that somehow got mixed in with the delivery (more on that next week).
Fans and players alike were also happy to start seeing the positive results of some SHC-sponsored referee clinics we ran a few weeks back at the Massé Gastro Lounge:
Pictured Above: The Skärin Method in action
Ah yes, nothing but good calls and good toimes this week, folks. But enough about that. Let’s get into the nitty gritty.
Saturday December 5th
Giants 1 vs. Ice 3
Looks like The Shanghai Ice’s new mantra, “Less is more, unless it’s pubic hair” is serving them well, as they won their second in a row with only 7 skaters. The Ice got the ball rolling when Nakata Poo-Caca unwisely listened to goalie and resident MENSA member, Barry “Mensa-Roestration” who loudly told him to, “pass the puck directly up the middle of the ice, it’s never a bad ideaaaa!”
Pictured Above: A moody egghead you can trust
What they didn’t account for was the lateral mobility and overall athleticism of Brian “Pissed Off” Christoff who came out of nowhere to pick off the pizza and fire it bar down on the irritable and stomach-cramped Barry. Not even a screen on the shot, folks. Just pure ol’ American horsepower.
The Ice continued rolling, rolling, rolling (Limp Bizkit style) when Lithuania’s number one prospect and animal sex offender, Alex “I did it for the Nookie” Gale circled the net a few times before calmly sliding the puck across the crease to the Russian Jamilla “Vanilla” Ice.
Pictured Above: Russian Vanilla Ice (I think)
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it….and so a few minutes later Alex “True Story: I’ve Fucked a Quail” Gale repeated the move before calmly slipping the puck across the crease to the world’s slipperiest Chinese teenager, Sky “that description makes me uncomfortable” Skyerson.
Some credit should be given to the goalies as Barry made up for his earlier mistakes by absolutely robbing Local DJ4U2NV, a.k.a. Sander “The Belgian Bass Blast” Vermeulen on a breakaway that turned out to actually matter after Nakata fired one short side later in the period to get the Giants up on the board. Brett also played well – but let’s be honest – no one cares what he does unless he breaks a stick.
“Saving games. Saving lives. And breaking sticks. It’s all in a day’s work for a beer league goalie.” -Brett Syer
Shoutout here at the end to Brian, as his goal turns out to be his first one EVER in competitive (and we use that term loosely) hockey. Congratulations!
Manhunters 2 vs. Shamrocks 3
Saturday’s second game featured the league-leading Shamrocks and the basement-dwelling Manhunters. Notably absent from the lineups were the league’s top two scorers on the year, the Shamrocks’ Michael “I wanna dance with somebody (Who loves me)” Walsh and the Maneaters’ Jeff “Dancing Queen” Hritzuk – both CHOOSING to miss this (meaningless and frankly pre-determined) game to attend a work-sponsored dance. Admittedly, both were missed, as each brings superior skating skills, hockey sense, and transitional capabilities to a league that often lacks any identifiable qualities or sense of etiquette.
Pictured Above: The Macho Man SHC Savage
Minutes after their 3-2 win, the Shamrocks’ notoriously outspoken and crude, Chris Im could be heard in the media scrum lamenting the lack of Shamrock talent on the night: “I had to put these assholes on my back all night. I mean, learn how to take a pass already, you scrubs.” When asked about the absence of Walsh and how it affected the ‘Rocks, the walking embodiment of locker room cancer continued, “I don’t give a rat’s ass about that guy. Let him dance all fucking season for all I care. Now eat a dick, all of you. Oh? Not sure how that works – here, read up!”
(Editor’s Note: I’ve heard some foul-mouthed braggarts in the locker room over the years, but this Im character takes the cake)
Im led the Shammies with two goals and was literally the only player in green to touch the puck all night. Their other goal was notched when the rebound of an Im clapper went in off of Diamond Dennis “Large One” Larcombe’s diamond-studded cup:
The Maneaters answered with goals by Sheldon and Graydo to make it close for a hot minute there.
Sunday December 6th
Giants 6 vs. Eagles 2
For their second game of the weekend The Giants faced The Eagles in their first showdown of the season. Coming off a tough loss the night before, every Giant was looking for redemption. Nobody knew that The Eagles had a surprise up their sleeve with Alex “The Meatcleaver” Cleveland, who stepped up to reinforce the already wounded Eagles.
However, This wasn’t enough to slow the Giants’ fast start, as they scored two quick ones out of the gate to take the early lead. First up was Ninja Nakatawith a hacky wacky (the correct term for when a player just whacks the shit out of a goalie till the loose puck goes in). Soon after, the Japanese contingent of Fumin‘ Fumiaki and Yoko “Yahs Queen” Mitani connected on the back-end, feeding team captain Sander for his patented Belgian Boomer over Casey’s shoulder. Early reports say that had it not been for all the sustained damage to Westergaard’s eardrums from the repeated shellackings he’s sustained this season, he might’ve suffered even more hearing damage from that bar down zinger.
“The cold beers also help keep the swelling down” – Casey, probably
In the 2nd, Tiger the beast Gao clearly had had enough of the mediocre shit we pass off as hockey. He railed two beauty coast-to-coasters that singlehandedly pulled the rug out from underneath anything that was coloured yellow. Ivan the Terrible tallied two of his own to add to his legendary kill count, and put the final nails in the coffin.
Penalties were shared on both ends, although we might need to hire Martin Skärin for some more advanced training. Luckily, the volunteer ref core in the SHC is working with local agencies to establish a multi-disciplinary training regimen:
Pictured Above: Next Level Art of Seduction for SHC Refs
Fog Devils 5 vs. Capitalists 6 (SO)
Sunday night was an epic showdown of understaffed teams as the Fog Devils took on the Capitalists. The game started off just the way everyone expected with the Fog Devils dominating the Capitalists with their Harlem Globetrotter razzle dazzle passing and shooting. Were it not for the heroics of Karl ze German, the score would have been much higher than 1-0 for the Devils, who finally opened the scoring after basically their whole team touched the puck at least once before good ol’ nondescript Liam (wearing 88 as a tribute to his favourite cartoon bear) scored.
“Of course he wears it as a tribute to meeee, hee hee. The only other meaning of 88 is now inextricably related to White Supremacyyyyy, hee hee”
Then, owner of said bear, Trev “prooobably not a white supremacist” BOOMi decided to pay tribute of his own by skating down the wing and surprising the goalie (and himself) by scoring his first goal since Trump lost the election. His team, like the rest of the world, was relieved, but also like the US, the relief was only temporary as the Devils answered right back and carried the lead into the second half.
I mean, get a load of this game action, folks – riveting stuff!!!!
(Editor’s Note: I’ve seen curling players walk up the ice quicker than this shit show of a play)
Speaking of supremacy, all hands were on deck in the second period — and by hands, we mean Fog Devils players’ sticks, and by deck, we mean Sebastien, as the lady killers in red used every trick in the book to try to slow him down. Alas, Kid Flaasch could not be stopped and he blazed down the wing and roofed a shot over Karl’s shoulder. The teams traded a flurry of goals, including a beauty deke by JOFA and a blueline howitzer from BOOMi. The Devils looked to have the game in the bag, but the Capitalists suddenly discovered their team passing game after reviewing some first half video and worked together to tie it up at 5 and send the game to OT. In the shootout, the Devils learned that they simply had no solution for Kryptonite Karl and Casey Casem, while BOOMi continued his best impression of a Schaafsmaa by netting his 4th goal of the game before the real Schaafsmaa stood up and scored a beauty winner.
(Editor’s Note: appropo)
Well that’s all she wrote for week 7, folks! Stay tuned in the upcoming days as we’re looking forward to hammering out some good news just in time for the Christmas break!
