Hoooolly Ravioooooli, folks!
With all the last-minute schedule changes, random weeknight games, and reporters gone AWOL due to a few ecstacy-fueled halloween weekend benders, we’ve had to bust our humps down here at HQ to pump out the gnarly game action for our legions of rabid fans.
“Ho boy… yep… oh ya. Ohhhh ya. Now I’m feelin’ it”
“Really? I still got nothin’ over here …wait… when did we leave my office?”
Lucky for you we’re cranking it out in time for the morning commute, so get a good grip on that metro pole (pole grip runs in your blood, just ask yer ma!) and get ready for a double serving of game action goodness! (yer genetically predispositioned fer that one too – so no need to warm up, lol)
“hmmm… that’s not very nice”
Admittedly, it didn’t help our productivity that everyone was glued to the tv screen, waiting on pins and needles to see how the results of a widely publicized and controversial election would turn out…
The Ivory Coast elections, of course. Crazy stuff, boys! Image 3 cheers for Democracy!!!
No time for shenanigans, though, let’s get into it:
Week 2 Action Oct 31st – Nov 5th
Shamrocks 8 vs. Eagles 2
The trick or treaters of the world weren’t the only ones in for a scare on Halloween night, as the Shamrocks took on the Eagles down at the Sanlin Sports Center
The Shamrocks came out with a vengeance after dropping their week 1 game and gave their loyal fans one hell of a treat. The Shammies tallied 8 goals from 8 different degens, achieving the rare feat known as “the octo-degenerate.”
Pictured Above: A man so inbred he can count to 8 on his left foot
The short-handed Seagulls – likely due to most of their team being off somewhere chasing candy instead of W’s – looked like they were auditioning for roles as a bunch of brainless Zombies in a cheap thriller with no happy ending, as they skated listlessly around the ice looking for brains… which sadly didn’t exist anywhere in the arena.
(Pictured Above: The SHC Exec)
A notable tally came from league legend and Shamrock of the game, ‘Diamond’ Dennis Larcombe. The weight and pressure of missing open nets for the past 40+years was lifted off his shoulders as ‘The Diamond’ came through with what would turn out to be a pivotal goal in a game that no one gave a shit about.
Coal + Pressure + Time = Dennis
As a bonus, the crowd got to witness the SHC’s very own last of the Mo-Sweden’s. This near extinct breed is rarely seen in Shanghai since the recent plague has ravaged their numbers within the SHC. To show they are still here, hidden in the shadows of Midsömmer, Rikard “Man Bun” Ivner tickled the twine in the late ticks of the game to put the final nail in the Eagles coffin.
Karl “Clap-back” Kullerback, led both teams in shot attempts with 37. All of which “clapped back” out of the zone after missing the net high and wide.
Fog Devils 3 vs. Capitalists 1
@Hans von Meister 開幕2連勝中のFog Devilsは初戦勝利のCapitalistsを撃破し3連勝を飾る！Fogsは開始直後パックを霧の中に放り込んで試合は始まった。現在Top スコアラーJared Scotchmerが先制点をあげ、今日のチームMVP Bill Longstreetが自ら道を開きゴールポストを鳴らすスーパーゴールを決めた！更にJared Scotchmerがダメ押しの3点目を決める。又、Fog Devilsディフェンス陣はパーフェクトな仕事でCapitalistの仕事を止め、彼らの投資を失敗させた！もうFog Devilsは誰にも止められない！
Pictured Above – The Japanese DICK responsible for this submission (…don’t even pretend that you don’t get this joke, you Porn-addicted savage)
Shamrocks 4 vs. Manhunters 1
In a reversal of roles, the Manhunters became the hunted as the Shamrocks aimed to seek and destroy during their second appearance of week 2 action.
The Manhunters jumped out to an early lead when Upper Deck top prospect, Jeff “竜巻旋風脚” HruuHaiitSeppuburikyaku, ripped a one-timer from the high slot. On an interesting side note, through some investigative reporting the SHC brass recently discovered that the pronunciation of Jeff’s last name is merely the phonetic equivalent of the hurricane kick from Street Fighter II:
Pictured Above: Hurricane Kick Hritzuk
With the state of affairs being what they were, the Shammies doubled their investments into the safest bet on the market – DIAMONDS. ‘Diamond’ Dennis Lacombe’s stock’s rising steadily this winter. His 2 apples on the night doubled his career point total in just the past two games!
(Editor’s Note: For all of you fantasy leaguers out there needing to dump some of that first round dead weight *Cough*Riley*Cough*, time to go all in on this ‘Diamond’ in the rough)
The Shamrocks’ Canadian line up front proved to be too much on this night as all four of their tallies came from the red and white contingent. Team captain, Michael “Danky ballsh” Walsh dropped trou 3 times in the win with wily veteran Tony “it’s not a toomah” Azuma adding a single, the eventual game winner.
Ice 3 vs. Giants 1
Thursday night brought us the first meeting between the Ice; a group of scrappy, upstanding gentlemen who just love the game of hockey, and the Giants; a group of questionable degenerates lead by 90’s Pantene Pro-V commercial mainstays, Sander Vanmuppet and his partner-4-life, Ivan “where you from, Just askin’?” Tchekashkin.
(Editor’s Note: Prrrretty sure that’s the Namibian flag. Nobody really knows for sure tho)
The scoring was opened on a b-e-a-utiful solo effort by the Ice’s charismatic leader Alex “Spotless Record, Flawless Character” Gale who continues to be a stalwart example of class and sportsmanship to the hockey community at large…
(Pictured Above: The Grating White Trash Nature of Alex Gale Beautifully Symbolized)
The game was tied up rather quickly, however, when the Giants’ Tiger “Le Tigre” Tigersson escaped the zoo and answered with his own solo tally by burying one top cheese Louise.
Some scrappy mid-ice play from the real-life Looney Toon, Wiley-Coyote Krapft and star of the upcoming Chinese iteration of High-School Musical, David Lin prompted momentary indecision by the Giants, which allowed perennial yeller and one of the leagues angriest men, Victor “Leather Shoey” Mui to take a pass from everybody’s weird Auntie’s favourite player, Jimmy “Boudoir” Burgess and break in off the wing where he made no mistake popping his cherry with his first goal of the year.
Special mention to the Ice’s barely Russian-sounding, Ivanionov Orlovazlov who picked up a second-assist and his first point of the year.
“You can’t spell ‘lol’ without Orlov”
The game was put out of reach by Andre Denomme in the second half when he pulled some moves out of his back pocket that had the crowd in awe. It was an all-around solid team win for the Ice who are looking like a force to be reckoned with here in the SHC.
Pictured Above: The Shanghai Ice
Week 3 Action Nov 7th – 8th
Ice 5 vs. Capitalists 2
*what follows is an edited first draft write-up from 17-year old league member and prodigy child, David Lin. The SHC’s retained English teacher gave it a once over, so here’s hoping you learn a thing or two, Davey.*
(Kid’s got potential. Tap and zoom to see more. Leave your own edits in the comments, ya beaut!)
Manhunters 1 vs. Eagles 2
Well well well, the Eagles picked up their first win of the season!
Fog Devils 5 vs. Ice 4
Sunday night witnessed two of the most exciting games in the annals of the Shanghai Hockey Club. In the first match-up of this historic night, the Fog Devils battled fiercly with the Shanghai Ice. A true David vs Goliath match-up pitted seven valiant heroes in red against an innumerable throng of purple jerseys.
(Lol, no actually… But yes.)
Historians have conflicting reports of what exactly transpired, but unanimously agree that ninja warrior Kazuhito “Bushido Blade” Matsuda put the team on his back, firing in a glorious GWG in the waning minutes of the game as hordes of Ice swarmed, clawing for a piece of his samurai essence.
(If I had to choose, I’d say his essence was ‘Lavender’)
Bill “Pointy Elbows” Longstreet kept the enemy at bay with his ferocity while Josef “Wine & Curry” Natour dropped apples like Johnny. In what will surely be a tale passed down for generations, light triumphed against darkness… Also Alex and Sky scored some goals.
Shamrocks 3 vs. Giants 0
The Shamrocks made it 3 in a row Sunday night with their 3-0 shutout victory over the Giants.
In a hard-fought battle, the Shamrocks proved to be too much for the Yeti-folk on the Giants. Chris “Giant Slayer” Im had a hell of a night as he was shimmying his way up and down the ice like an overly excited Jack on a big ol’ blatantly phallic beanstalk:
“I’ve got an addiction to the friction, baybeeehhhhhhh”
Im buried a beautiful tic-tac-toe play from the Last of the Mo-Sweden’s Ivner to give the Shamrocks the stranglehold they needed to cut the Giants down to size.
The hero of the day, however, was Shinji “Ninjesus” Nakatake:
Shinjesus left a bitter taste in the Giants’ mouth as he buried a lemon in a gaping cage to kickstart the scoring in the first frame. The wily veteran’s first goal of the year stood to be the deciding marker on the evening.
Speaking of bitter concoctions – get a load of this asshole’s goalie pants:
Sir Charles Rupert was steadfast behind his seemingly homemade armor as he and his masked compatriot, Sir Barry the Creaseless, stood tall in the combined shutout for the Shamrocks. Thankfully for Sir Charles, his capacity to mind the iron cage is far mightier than his capacity to tuck a shirt…
(Editor’s Note: Brutal. Just gross. If this post gets flagged by the authorities, this hideous tuck will be the reason)
The fairytale ending was capped off by the elemental man, himself, Rock ‘Paper Scissors’ Sun when he received a delicious piping hot pizza up the middle from Giant’s defender, Shane “great fuckin’ speech” Anderson. With his 3rd goal in as many games, the Rock-solid D-man cast the final stone of the night, so to speak.
(Pictured Above: Anderson Ironically Delivering an Inspired Mid-game Speech to his Teammates about how He’s going to Stop Sendin’ the Free Delivery up the Middle and Start Bringin’ the Digiorno)
Well that’s all she wrote, folks. Stay tuned and don’t forget to follow the SinBin for all the juicy notifications you need to get instant access to beer league newz n’ viewz you can surely uze. In the meantime, keep your stick on the ice!
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