Man Alive! Whatta Barn-burner, Folks!
You probably had to be down at ol’ faithful Feiyang to believe it, but this weekend’s games had so many broken plays, stupid penalties, and unprovoked instances of teammate bashing that everyone in the rink just started crying tears of happy joy now that everything was seemingly back to normal in the SHC – it really was a sentimental affair. We even got swept up in the positive emotions and decided to join forces with Kevin “Teeny Weenie” Martini’s beloved clothing franchise to share some space at his flagship store.
“I can’t see this coming back to haunt us whatsoever!”
“nah, me either!”
It should be noted, however, that die-hard fans noticed immediately that something seemed… well… less Swedish… about the level of talent in the SHC this year, and they had all kinds of theories as to why. Some pointed to Covid as the main reason we’re fresh out of blonde beauties on the top lines, so we did some testing just to be sure:
“Nah, this is all totally normal, you guys”
Admittedly, the most intriguing theory as to why so many of our beautiful Swedish man-rockets disappeared during the 8-month off-season was hinted to us via an anonymous photo we received in the mail room:
But all joking aside, folks, we haven’t seen that strong of a season opener since Stephen “The Faux Fashionista” Dyer decided to kick off his fall line of signature knock-off luxury goods last month down here at the Veiny Tiger shopping mall.
“DYOR… for men of sophistication… who also have no money”
But enough with the capitalist mumbo jumbo (more on that later, coincidentally). Let’s get into it, shall we?
Shamrocks 3 vs. Fog Devils 5
*directly translated from the original Spanish*
The Fog Devils came out of the gates firmly, which promises to be a season of good Hockey. They delivering on the court intensity, creativity and sense of equipment matching strongly. Jarard Scotchmerssön opened the scoring, and soon after 3rd round pick, Yosef, scored the second point; Shamrocks was beginning to understand why the grass withered before the fire! They say “more does the Devil know by old man, than by Diablo,” and Fog Devils understands it very well (editor’s note: whatever the heaven-sent fuck that means).
The accumulated experience of mature players served as a lusty catapult for completely new players like “Hellfire” Styrefors to score on their first night on the ice, and for “Total Recall” Rico to fulfill his dream of participating in his first organized hockey game of his life.
In the second half, the great Newly the Prey Animal decided it was time to graze and closed the night with two goals that made Shamrocks leave the rink with nothing but foggy mist between his gloves.
(He does look like a bit of a lamb, if lambs had 2% body fat)
Shanghai Ice 3 vs. Manhunters 1
The opening night of the SHC 2020 season also saw an exciting game between the Ice and the Manhunters. Rocking a ten that was tighter than your average European man’s pants, the Ice came out flying with delicious Russian heartthrob “Peanut Butter n’ Jam-il” and ice-cold, French-Canadian snowball, Andre Denomme “Déneigé” picking up some frosty scoring chances.
Pictured above: the losing team
There were good opportunities at both ends of the rink, but some amazing saves from Brett “The Hitless” Syer and Barry Roe – a man whose head looks oddly similar to the fish eggs he is so aptly named after – kept the game scoreless throughout the first.
“I dare you to say that again”
The Ice jumped out to a quick lead in the second period, however, when new captain and established douchebag, Alex Gale, ripped a slapshot from the point harder than the crotch seams of the euro-cut skinny jeans he wears under his gear. Gale’s second goal of the evening came shortly after on another beautifully placed slapshot that whipped over Syer’s shoulder so fast he is now permanently bald.
The Manhunters did not go down without a fight, though. Keeping the slapshot theme alive, Jeffrey Alladin Hritzuk (not a nickname – his mother just loves Disney movies, people) let one loose from just inside the blueline. The game could have gone either way at this point as players from both teams were whipping around the rink trying to score like it was 4am at Found. Luckily for the Ice, Sky “High” Hou, the youngest man legally allowed to join the league thanks to Shane’s checkered background, broke free on a breakaway and executed it perfectly, potting the 3rd and final goal for the team in purple. Game… Blouses.
Giants 2 vs. Fog Devils 3
*directly translated from the original Swedish*
The Fog Devils played the second game of their season-opening back-to-back on Sunday night. With only 9 men, the FDs took an early lead and managed to keep the opponents away. Though nobody knows how, exactly…
History doesn’t remember the losers, but they were definitely the whites on this night… The Red team’s certified stud was Newly, who did everything right on the ice and was rewarded with eternal youth. The red machine continues to trundle into the mine. So, put on a headlamp and join the devil’s Shangley train.
*From Hans – insert reference to heavy metal band Slayer*
Capitalists 6 vs. Eagles 3
The stars shone bright in the usually acidic skies of Pudong Sunday night as the game everyone was actually waiting for on opening weekend kicked off. The Capitalists and Eagles made their season debuts with easily the most screaming fans in attendance. Never mind that they were paid, no one minds paying for fake screams in the SHC…
“Wait… I don’t get it. Is he alluding to paid professional wailers at traditional Chinese funerals?”
“Yeah… I think so”
The score opened half way through the first with the Eagles bouncing one in past Casey “I’m here to drink Beer” Westeryeast, who otherwise played pretty solid for having such a liquid diet. Not to be outdone, the Caps decided to give offense a try, cycling the puck back to forwards learning how to play D when Swedish All-Star and “Sexiest Man in Asia 2017” Freddy Nyquist pulled himself out of the game after the first shift due to a nagging injury. David “I Actually Have 3 names” Gonzalez let one go from the point, a new position for the man who usually parks himself in front of the net, that was tipped by Super Boomi himself to tie the game. Though initially the goal was credited to Gonzalez, luckily Boomi has more cameras at the game than the NHL hockey ops centre on HNIC, and he picked up the gino.
The boys struck again when Yuzo “Yakuzo” Yamada let one go from the point. During the second half, Sebasstian “Whoo Needs aa Shiirt” Schaafsma realized he too was on camera and was finally going to play. After going coast to coast not once, not twice, but 3 fuggin’ toimes, burying a hat trick of beauty goals each more so than the last, the kid was tuckered out from all the embellished celly’s .
(not a mistake that this is in here twice, folks)
The Eagles were not done, though. They mounted a pretty decent counter attack, notching a goal to make it 5-2. But the Caps poured it on with a late goal by Super Boomi, his second of the game. Then, as the final seconds ticked down, the Eagles made it respectable with a rebound goal off against a set of stacked pads constructed by Vitalli to end the game on a positive note.
Well, that’s all she wrote folks. See you animals next week. Get out there and vote in the meantime, you anti-maskin’ Yanks!
(The original anti-masker, for reference)
And can we all just take a quick second to acknowledge the fact that we had jerseys for the season opener puck drop in… well… since Faye took over Boar sports?
