The Chiner Games
September 22nd, 2017
Well folks, it’s been an historic week for hockey in China, let alone Shanghai. We here down at the offices of the SHC have been taking on so many calls that the switchboard blew the fuse!
(We really need to move out of Barry Roe’s spare bathroom… AND change the goddam litter)
And, you know, it’s no wonder the fans have been so amped…
Nooooooo, not for THAT, ya friggen’ beaut! I’m talking about the Summer league finals, of course!!!
(The only place in town where the beer never seems to run out)
Friday night saw a max capacity crowd down at “do the Fandango” Feiyang as the fans flooded into the bleachers ready to rock a bottle night and show their support for the SHC boys of summer. As a matter of fact, an article in the Globe and Mail recently pointed out the disappointment many were feeling after the clueless sports community in Shanghai couldn’t muster up the advertising power to fill the Mercedes Benz Arena. But let’s just go ahead and face the facts, folks: the vast majority of hockey lovers in Shanghai were saving their strength for the Friday night SHC summer showcase. The first 7 Diehard fans into the arena even received a limited series of “Legendary Dickheads of the SHC” hockey cards to give out to the young fans who were in attendance!
(Editor’s Note: LOOK CLOSER, YA BLIND BASTARD!)
eager child in the stands #1: “I’ll trade you 2 Mark Simon’s for 4 Connor McDadpants’”
eager child #2: “No friggen’ way, ya duster! He’s getting inducted into the Chiner Beerhall of fame!”
eager child #3: “Shane Gretzky’s the all-toime league leader in chirps, this’ll be worth something some day!”
GAME ACTION
By the time the puck dropped the crowd was roaring in a drunken frenzy as The Nightriders and The Bank came out flying. First half action saw The Bank go up early as “boom shakalaka” Nakata potted a dinger. Soon afterwards the crowd was on their feet as the usually disinterested Kita San seemed to reach an epiphany and decide that playing for the SHC was about winning, not just his lucrative contract. The crowd roared as he drove hard into the corner, liquidated all his material assets, and busted his ass out into the slot for a sweet humdinger of a top corn beaut to extend his team’s lead to 2.
But it wasn’t long before the Nightrider’s Monsieur Magnan, the magnifique dique himself, creeped into the slot with a slow wind up and unleashed a furious Montreal-style tourtiere into the bottom corner past the noticeably distracted netminder, Karl the Kraut. “It was really unfair,” Karl said during the intermission,
“All I could smell was that delicious meat pie that horrible little French Canadian served up. You all know I’m diabetic!”
With the score cut in half, the Bank decided it was time to unleash some home-cookin’ heat of their own. All the players seemed to pick up the pace and start contributing, but the real money shot came at the behest of “Casting Couch” Tim Cocchi, (who is rumoured to have postponed his lucrative film shoot for the evening) who scored a beauty shorty for his first of two goals in the game. “Well yeah, ya know,” Cocchi commented,
“Stuey’s been a pretty lazy bastard all summer long, and I wasn’t expecting much since he just signed that 3-year deal with Whately. Ya know, most players take it easy after somethin’ like that. So it was good to see that that outdoor music festival lit a fire under his ass and got him passing the puck for once.”
Budding business partners, “Burning Man” Stu Chan and “Shapely” Matt Whately, connected on the final play to deposit some more foreign currency into the Nightriders’ net in what would eventually end in a 5-1 victory for the banker boys in black.
(Eh, Nightriders, where’s all your A players?)
The SHC would like to thank every single person who forced themselves to eat at least one slice of the mountain of Melrose’s pizza we ordered – you’re the real MVPs. The P is for Primate, you friggen’ animals. See you all soon… Winter is Coming. In the meantime – Keep your stick on the ice!
(Editor’s Note: Would you look at these two sweethearts. 4 years in a row on the same team, going on 5; I wish I had a relationship like that)
