Eh! Merry Christmas, ya friggen’ beauts!
The SHC has been active this holiday season, going out of its way to ensure all of its surplus beer somehow translated into holiday cheer. We had the Ugly Sweater Christmas Classic (USCC), a very special appearance by a Sober Santa Claus at the annual Xmas party, and somehow in between, the Waitans managed to send off some high-calibre beauts in true SHC style.
In the Christmas spirit of giving and holiday compassion, we’re also genuinely happy to report that the Hockey Hands crew has made some major headway in their volunteer program that involves many of our resident SHC legends – more on that shortly.
But first, we should share with you a submission that was made by the Feiyang zamboni driver. According to him, every year around this time, this poem (in its many iterations) is read aloud by the arena elders to help teach budding young hockey players about the true Christmas spirit:
Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the rink:
Not a tap had hot water,
Not even the sink.
But in the darkness of the halls,
And much to our chagrin,
There lurked some Ruskies –
Trying to steal our ice time again.
“Come, Igor,”
Said the KHLer,
“let us plan, and connive.
If we pull this off,
The SHC shan’t survive!”
But beneath the catacombs,
Where none dared to tread,
There lived an SHC legend –
Or so it is said.
Someone so bitter,
That he had to remain,
Locked in the darkest cellar,
Adorned with crusty chains.
He spoke in short bursts,
And targeted most execs.
That he was in the SHC ‘first’,
He never let them forget.
But the legend was enraged,
You could tell by his patented scowl.
Through the dark halls he shuffled,
Wearing nothing but a towel.
That’s when the secretive Ruskies,
Caught completely unaware,
Overheard some salty complaints –
About how Christmas is unfair:
“Why do I work my ass off,
all through the year,
just to spend Christmas Eve,
Drinking piss-warm beer?”
“Who’s the damn exec in charge!”
The visage howled with a sneer.
The Ruskies exchanged glances,
Shaking with fear.
“Who the hell are you!”
They queried,
“Is this some kind of fluke?”
“No, you idiots:
I’m Barry F@$%ing Duke!
Now, you’re gonna sit there,
And you’re gonna listen,
To every gripe, grumble and bellyache
That I can envision!”
As it turns out,
They wouldn’t dare.
Because listening to ol’ Duke,
Was their worst nightmare.
So then it was just BD,
Alone with his beer,
Doing his best to ingest,
Some holiday cheer.
And what happened then?
Well… in Shanghai they say,
Duke’s small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
So he jumped and cheered,
And ran through the halls,
Ready to spread the love –
Flip-flops, towel and all.
“You know, sometimes he brings up some good points.”
The Ugly Sweater Christmas Classic
The seasonal festivities kicked off some time in early December as SHC alumni gathered for the 4th annual USCC. Players on both sides were definitely feeling festive as the bottles of suds and an appropriately Christmas-coloured bottle of Jagermeister greased the wheels for some all-round good toimes. The breakaway competition resulted in an early Xmas gift of a half bottle for the loser, which had to be chugged as a penalty.
Pictured above: Drunks on ice, the musical
The Annual SHC Christmas Party
One of our gracious sponsors, Cages, pulled out all the stops for us this year and hosted our Xmas party. It took a lot of hard work on behalf of the black franchise, but in the end it was a wonderful treat for those of us with families. Actually, word on the street was that many other organizations’ around town were Santa-less, and openly jealous of our long list of players who had the ideal body type for the role. Good, clean, family-friendly fun? SHC? Who’d’ve thunk it?
“I’m only sober till 7pm, if you’re lucky. Better get ur pics fast, folks. Otherwise your lil’ angels are gonna wind up hearing all about my ex again.”
Hockey Hands Charity Work
Get a load of these beauts. The SHC is pleased to announce that the Hockey Hands group is making some great headway with their program designed to help orphans around Shanghai get involved in hockey. The project has been underway for over a year, with many key figures in the SHC stepping up big toime to volunteer their time and energy for this amazing cause. If you’re at all interested in helping out or volunteering your time and energy, get a hold of Cole Paterson or Mark Simon for more info.
“More people should know about this”
The Waitans Send Off Wada
Wada’s going away game was put on by the Waitans, and involved a bunch of Ice Cocks – both past and present. The Ice Cocks won 4-2 yet Wada scored all 6 goals….. he played half the game as a Cock and half as a Waitan. After the game, a video montage was put up on the scoreboard, highlighting Wada’s beauty plays over the years. Curiously, the other Waitans had no interst in watching the clips, or drinking the ice cold beers…
They all got dressed very quickly – even avoiding showers – because everyone knew where they were going, showers would be supplied. It was, after all, a Night Splash activity that was planned to close out the night. The ringleader for this jovial Japanese festivity was Shin, who hustled out of his gear in record time and got the waitans onto the perv-bus to the land of daubauchery. The Ice cocks hung out drinking all the beer that the waitans didn’t drink until 1am, probably listening to Duke talk about the good ol’ days up at Songjiang.
You stay beautiful, puck-heads! Have a great holiday from all of us here at the offices of the SHC, and Happy New Year – looking forward to seeing you all in 2017!
