Week 6: Intrigue Behind the Scenes with the KHL!
Sufferin’ Succotash, folks! With all the rescheduling and strong-arming by the KHL Executive goon-squad, it’s kind of hard to tell where ‘Week 5’ ended and ‘Week 6’ began. Many sources have reported that a major breakdown in communications happened when the KHL management team noticed that Kevin ‘Gin Blossom’ Martini had cut off his mullet, a heavily favoured and prevalent symbol of virility and business acumen in Russian culture. Needless to say, as a result it’s been a tough week of negotiations with our new KHL landlords.
SHC Exec
“Brother! Every time we think we’ve got this ssssufferin’ schedule fixed…”
KHL Exec
*Haughty Laughter* “Ah yes, comrade, halp me light these expeseeve cigar. Tell me, Igor, Iz there anything better than deciding vhere and vhen ve can play profahsional hockey, at the drop of a hat?” *Haughty Laughter*
The Skinny:
Although lines of communication appear to be stable for the time being, it took a lot to re-convince the KHL exec that our mullet-less SHC fun-boys were in fact ‘men’ worth talking to. The two sides sat down for a meeting on Wednesday night to suss it out. It didn’t help matters that Matt ‘Why does everyone hate me?’ Whatley and ‘Sugar Shanerz’ Anderson were reportedly bickering over who was better at Candy Crush.
The breakthrough happened when SHC resident beauty, Cole Paterson put forward the idea for a 7-on-7 exec squad brawl. The idea was that both exec teams would fight it out to see who would own the rink – once and for all.
Pictured above: An actual thing that actually exists
The proposal was apparently well-received until the KHLers suggested the brawl be ‘Russian Style’, which, if you’re unaware, is exactly what it sounds like: a shirtless melee while wrecked on a twixer of Smirnoff, immediately after eating a pound of pickled Vobla as fast as possible.
Pictured above: ‘Russian Style’
Mostly everyone in the room was reportedly in favour of the agreement until Barry ‘Doe-eyed’ Roe’s crippling body image issues forced the SHC boys to back down at the last minute. We caught up with him later for a comment: “Okay, everybody knows I never change out of my jammies after we play, so none of this should come as a surprise to anyone. Plus, my suggestion of playing a team round of Tetris to determine the outcome wasn’t taken nearly as seriously as it should’ve been. Besides, I’m allergic to fish.”
“So then I says, I goes, ‘Hey, what gives! I grew up hockey fightin’. If I can’t jersey a guy, I’m useless anyways, ya know?”
“Okay, so that’s when you suggested Tetris?”
“Oh you betcha, bud! That’s the only other thing I grew up doin’… We had a lotta snow days where I’m from, ya know?”
Rest assured, we’ll be giving you the latest as the situation develops. For now, here’s your roundup:
Friday Night
Lowered Expectations 4 vs. Chiefs 1
‘The ‘Vape-bandit’ Briandet, out of breath on the back-check
The ‘Friday Night Lights’ were turned up to blinding intensity at the Feiyang Beer League Mecca on Friday night (Of course we mean that entirely figuratively, most nights we’re lucky if they turn on half the lights, let alone flood the ice). The evening opened with Lowered Expectations finally getting a chance to play somebody else other than the Tinder-weirds, which clearly gave the black squad a much needed boost. The boys in blue were missing their top scorer Aaron Bergman, and were woefully one stride behind throughout the game. Regardless, it goes without saying that hot guns like Leon “ Wuggi “ Li and Captain Fitz Desmet caused occasional trouble in Black’s defensive zone; however, with tallies from Billabong Street, Tony Soprano, Simon Garfunkulus, and Harvey Birdman, by the end it was pretty clear who would be enjoying the cool, clean, crisp taste of free Bud after the game.
Fitzy, doing what he does best – gettin’ low down on that flo
After the 50-minute beatdown by the bastardly black beauties, the scoreboard displayed a 4-1 victory for the Lowered Expectations. Official post-game interviews on CCTV5 showed a relaxed and confident bunch of Low Exers, many of whom were just happy to have survived another hard but clean battle without any further injuries. Rumours circulating after the game suggested that Chiefs player, ‘Rowdy Robbie Peeper’, somehow managed to shotgun three aluminum bottles of Bud before punching a hole in the wall. It should be noted, however, that nobody could verify the whispers as the entire Chiefs squad had relocated to Suzuki’s favorite KTV in the Japanese quarter of Shanghai for a team discussion and couple of oldies from Pat Boone.
A curiously tame Billy ‘shortbus’ Longstreet watches the play unfold, like the gentleman scholar he has become
Gingerbeards 3 vs. Night Splash 2
The Gingerbeards and Splashers went head-to-head on Friday night in a tight battle of checking and puck luck. As most members of the Gingerbeards are in fact suffering from every degenerative eyesight disorder known to man, the details that came in were a bit sketchy, to say the least. Captain ‘Braveheart’ Brian Olrich had this to say: “Well, ya know. We went out there and gave it our all, so, you know, we didn’t leave anything out there on the ice. I mean, Yeah, We brought it all out there. And then we… spent it up and… whatever Anderson just write the stupid thing and make it sound friggen’… schooly and wordsy. Stop Wechatting me, I’m trying to eat dinner and the wife thinks you’re another woman, which you basically are. Go to Hell.”
Marty McSorepinky of the Fingerbarbs was good for a pair on the night, while Kevin ‘Sweety’ Martini drove the dagger home late with a clapper from hell. “Yeah that was me,” he commented. “I just did what I do best and closed my eyes and let the ol’ stick do the work. You young guys are idiots for skating around so much. Just shoot the damn thing! It works for me!”
Apparently, Angel ‘Fine I’ll do it myself’ Wang potted a pair for herself with some help from Jay-Jay McLovin’ for the Splash nation.
Saturday Night
The Hamburglars 6 vs. Binqiu Beardogs 3
In what was expected to be a repeat of last weekend’s matchup, when the Beardogs handily defeated the ‘burglin’ bunch (go read the roundup, you friggen’ beauty), the max capacity crowd was delightfully surprised to witness a textbook display of retribution.
Early play was fast-paced and packed with crisp passes at both ends of the ice. Especially in the Hamburglars end, where Shane ‘The Humanitarian’ Anderson decided to get into the holiday spirit a bit early, sending over a perfectly placed puck to opposing player, Thomas ‘the Tank Engine’ Yulzari, who was standing all alone in the slot. In a post-game interview, Yulzari had this to say: “I… couldn’t believe it. I’m not used to getting passes that nice, even from my own teammates. The only thing that ruined it was somebody yelling ‘PIZZAAAHHH’ right as I sniped top cheddar.”
Actual still shot from the game. Pictured above: Anderson after his atrocious giveaway. Definitely not coach Bombay
Luckily for the ‘burglin’ bros, twin beauts Adam and A-Aron Liu dismantled the play in the neutral zone and turned the game into an absurd number of odd-man rushes, sparking a pattern that would keep the Beardogs on their haunches for the rest of the game. Each of the Liu’s skated away with a pair of goals. ‘The ShawFranck Redemption’ and Isaac McTrickledick also potted one each. Handy Anderson also walked away with an assist on the scoresheet, even though he didn’t assist on any of his own team’s goals…
Team Iceland from D2: The Mighty Ducks? No. That’s Aaron Liu right there in the middle, you friggen’ beaut
There might have been a chance for the Binqiu Bastards to turn the tide late in the game, but most players were just too exhausted. You see, before the game – in a ‘This is China’ moment – a section of glass shattered when Adam ‘you’re my boy, Liu’ skated as hard as he could at the boards before he realized he didn’t know how to stop. Then, to make matters worse, a replacement pane exploded when Popeye Pipski decided he would lend his strength to the struggling rink crew by deadlifting the entire rear section of the end boards. Regardless, Binqiu beauties Dan ‘YOLO’ Wolo and Franklin D. Frankincense had enough left in the tank to snipe one each.
Luis Mendoza from D2: The Mighty Ducks? Wrong again, idiot. That’s Adam Liu. Crashing into the goddam glass
The Dirty Blues 1 vs. Binqiu Beardogs 0
Jofa scored one and everybody else got a bunch of penalties. Everybody else was too focused on the Bud. Larcombe was the real hero.
“There’s a game going on? Screw it – it took too long to replace the glass”
Pictured above: Dennis “Large One” Larcombe. Always smiling’ for reasons we hope his nickname has made abundantly clear
The Hamburglars 8 vs. Fever 1
In the final game of the evening, both sides had a lot to prove. The Fever were out to prove last week’s loss in regulation against the Bearpups was a fluke, while the hard workin’ Hamburglars were out to prove they don’t mind being taken too lightly. Lo and behold, the Liu tandem turned up the heat and wound up proving more than anybody else – they combined for 11 points in the game (7 ginos and 4 apples).
Stalwart defensive performances from ‘Stonewall’ Jackson and Kemp ‘Straight outta Compton’ Collins helped smack down a talented, aggressive, and offensively-minded top line of Brad ‘Da Beauty’ Newly, ‘Mad’ Max Wendelin, and Hugo ‘Chavez’ Thalen. ‘The Humanitarian’ Anderson was at it once again, generously misplaying the one-on-one between him and opposing D-man ‘Soda PoPipski’. After Peppermint Pipsy struck gold in the five-hole, he gave a quick interview during the commercial break: “yeah, you know *pulls a thick rip on his vape* I wasn’t sure what he was doing out there, but eh, I deked him right out and that’s embarrassing for him. He’ll be livin’ that down for weeks. We were shorthanded, too – hahahaha. It’s okay though. Shaner doesn’t get mad at me for anything I do. Not a single thing.”
Pictured above: Brian PoPipski. We have photoshopped his vape device with a soda bottle because ‘Jurassic Vape’ declined our deal to sponsor the league.
The game continued to trudge onward as both sides started taking a few liberties, and huge hits! That’s right, folks – Old Time Hockey (OFYB). Luckily for the ‘burglin’ beauts, Pipski’s arms were too tired by the end of the game to continue pummeling the ‘burlars’ 16-year-old Chinese kid who had to learn a few lessons about heads-up hockey the hard way.
“Ni Gan Ma? Wei Shenme?”
Post game Bevvviesssss
